I'll review first chapters... ?

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Alright, hon, I'll take a look at yours today too.

'Words should flow like river without breaks.' I remembered that, thanks for ur help

 

[LeilaniOtter]

'Words should flow like river without breaks.' I remembered that, thanks for ur help

Hehe, one of my favorite lessons I'd teach writers. *^^*
By the way, could you please re-do your formatting? it's still very garbled.

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Hehe, one of my favorite lessons I'd teach writers. *^^*
By the way, could you please re-do your formatting? it's still very garbled.

I can't right now, bcz I'm out of my home.
Itll take 2 days for me to go my house...

Before that tell me what to redo, I will prepare for that.?

Edit- This is link to original file, if this can help... Sorry ?--

The scene practice- A life

The scene practice- A man's life. The dense forest of tall, dark trees stood straight. The shadows they cast reached the ground. Light couldn't creep through them. The soil was wet, as if it had recently received rain. Crunch—sticks snapped in the abyss of this forest. A lone man walked like a s...

docs.google.com

 

[mythosandmagic]

I would greatly appreciate it if you could review my first chapter and let me know what you think.
Thank you!

 

[LeilaniOtter]

I can't right now, bcz I'm out of my home.
Itll take 2 days for me to go my house...

Before that tell me what to redo, I will prepare for that.?

Edit- This is link to original file, if this can help... Sorry ?--

The scene practice- A life

The scene practice- A man's life. The dense forest of tall, dark trees stood straight. The shadows they cast reached the ground. Light couldn't creep through them. The soil was wet, as if it had recently received rain. Crunch—sticks snapped in the abyss of this forest. A lone man walked like a s...

docs.google.com

Umm, some confusion here, sweetie, I'm reviewing this:

- Chapter one: Closed eyes | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I don't have a lot of time to commit to a full read of the other project. I'll wait until you can get this formatted correctly, okay?

I would greatly appreciate it if you could review my first chapter and let me know what you think.
Thank you!

Sure, I'll add you in. I don't think I'm quite to 20 yet. *^^*

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Umm, some confusion here, sweetie, I'm reviewing this:

Man ur reading my lackluster writing there...

Sigh, that chapter was my first 'try' in writing. But okay.
I was going rewrite it after the arcs end with my new style.

Hey, but I got better each chapter. (I know yll drop it after the first chapter...)
?

 

[PrimeCo35]

Hello! Are you still reviewing? I'd love for that private consultation :) I'm very new, and very scared lol.

Soluna – The Baptism of the Stars –

Lunabelle fumbles into the dangers of a broken world, searching for old-world treasures and recognition. Solangel faces an uphill struggle in an attempt to leave her father's shadow and become her own master. Bound by the mysterious circumstances of their meeting, they yearn for independence in...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Man ur reading my lackluster writing there...

Sigh, that chapter was my first 'try' in writing. But okay.
I was going rewrite it after the arcs end with my new style.

Hey, but I got better each chapter. (I know yll drop it after the first chapter...)
?

It's okay. It's just a little unfair for me to have to go through a 26-page document when I'm only reviewing first chapters to make sure you're on the right track. But, tell you what, let me know where in this 26-page document the first chapter starts and ends, and we'll see what I can work out. *^^*

Hello! Are you still reviewing? I'd love for that private consultation :) I'm very new, and very scared lol.

Soluna – The Baptism of the Stars –

Lunabelle fumbles into the dangers of a broken world, searching for old-world treasures and recognition. Solangel faces an uphill struggle in an attempt to leave her father's shadow and become her own master. Bound by the mysterious circumstances of their meeting, they yearn for independence in...

www.scribblehub.com

Yes, I can do that. I'll just need some time. Still have about 5 other writers to tend to. *^^*

 

[Reinventor]

I'm not going to post anything until the series bugs work themselves out and I'm back in good standing again, so I'll read for a bit here.
I'll look at your first chapters and give completely honest, professional evaluations on:

1. Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading? Are the characters standing out? Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next". (I'll add works to my reading list in that instance so I can keep reading.) How is the pacing? How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?
2. Grammar/Spelling: I'm nuts about proper grammar/spelling, but I realize there are exceptions to every rule. For example, your book might be a narrative and "speaking" is always different with different people. Like "kinda" instead of "kind of", etc., which is fine. I won't point out everything; just give you examples on something that glared at me, and how to fix it.
3. Strengths/Weaknesses: Is there something you can improve upon? Is there something you could add to a character, or a scene, or your world that might make the chapter flow better? What was it I really liked/disliked about the chapter?

Before I began writing full-time, my partner and I were in literary representation. We were doing okay until the economy took a nose-dive in the 2000s and we couldn't stay in that industry, and turned to freelance work again. But I still love to read and have a firm grasp on what's hot.

So, let me know if I can help, and if you feel so inclined, happily read my work as well. (just be mindful it's mostly NSFW) ?

Would prefer private consultations only; however if you'd like a glowing review shared here in this post, (because you did such a great job), I don't mind posting my review here too.

UPDATE: I'm going to limit this service to 20 people. I'm already getting swamped. ?

I'd love a review. My newest ongoing story is Whispers of the Silent Age about a minotaur and his Tanuki savior. https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1776680-whispers-of-the-silent-age/chapter/1776689/

 

[LeilaniOtter]

haihai ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡ if you still have room, then here's mine https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1655959/shadow-of-the-phantom-curse-bl/

Shadow of the Phantom Curse [BL]

Weewooweewoo! As a rookie paranormal investigator, Catheris Orial–suffice to say–was NOT having a swell time being dragged around. Catheris had to wake up way too early, his mentor was a deadbeat, it obviously wasn't fun getting jumped on the job—and oh… oh that damned partner of his…!...

www.scribblehub.com

Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading?


Right away, with the prologue, I felt such a sense of peace reading this quick interlude with a child and his grandmother, and then it changed. The boy’s experiences with the ominous cathedral later on, a sense pf foreboding foreshadowing, as if leaving innocence behind. Then I read the first chapter, and what caught my fancy immediately was the concept of demon possession. I studied the subject decades ago in college, so imagine my excitement reading about the idea that it happens quite frequently in your world, and that it’s seen as a cause for mental dysfunction. And then, yay, we learn Catheris has a demonic roommate! You bet I enjoyed it. (I’m just not a BL fan *^^*)


Are the characters standing out?


We’ve really only been introduced to Catheris so far and some supporting players who obviously will be expanded upon in later chapters, I’m sure. I couldn’t find anything that didn’t stand out, no. His dialogue is punchy and direct, his mannerisms certainly illustrate his job as a tailor, conservative, precise, matter-of-fact. Well done with him.

Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next"?

I’m curious about this new roommate Catheris is stuck with, yes, and were I a fan of BL, I’m sure I’d want to find out a lot more. That is no slight at all on your writing skills; they’re very good.


How is the pacing?


Loved the pacing between the prologue and the first chapter. Starting the story out with Catheris as a youth, you get a real sense of how he’s going to turn out. Our childhoods dictate the people we CAN become – not necessarily what we WILL become. So, this is a great illustration of that. Likewise when we get through the first chapter, Catheris meets with a few associates and then heads home, and we get just enough exposition to bring it all together. (HOWEVER...refer to my Weekness section later on. I have an idea. *^^*)

How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?

I loved the world-building the most. You painted beautiful scenes and settings with your words, from the picturesque island Deliamois, to the foreboding cathedral, and the mega city of Saintess Ovis. They were all wonderfully described. I felt like I was in real locations; and I suppose in a way, we could relate to any real destinations with your choice of descriptions. So, well done here too.

Grammar/Spelling:
Nothing glaring save for a tense-shift in the prologue. I was a bit put off by the odd spaces between sentences/paragraphs. I feel you could have saved a bunch of space by just re-formatting with single lines.


Strengths:

World-building; descriptions; character development; dialogue; pacing


Weaknesses:

While the Prologue is fantastic, I wonder if this could have been a brief exposition section in your first chapter. It felt slightly out of place, but that might just be my personal observation. For instance, you have Catheris faraway from the altar in (I assume) the Cathedral in Chapter One.

We know earlier on in your prologue, that as a boy, he didn’t really like the place too much and it gave him splitting headaches. So, this could have been an ideal “flashback”, briefly, to talk about that. Just something to think about. Something triggers us back to our childhoods ALL the time, and at the craziest times and places. So, it could be the same for Catheris too. In fact, the Prologue could just be Catheris speaking with his grandmother – BOOM, immediately to Chapter One, without mentioning the cathedral in the prologue, and bringing it up in its full glory in Chapter One. *^^*


Overall, a solid B+ (I’m just not a BL fan. I’d strongly recommend this one to anyone who is though!)*^^*

I'd love a review. My newest ongoing story is Whispers of the Silent Age about a minotaur and his Tanuki savior. https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1776680-whispers-of-the-silent-age/chapter/1776689/

You had me at "Tanuki" lol

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

It's okay. It's just a little unfair for me to have to go through a 26-page document when I'm only reviewing first chapters to make sure you're on the right track. But, tell you what, let me know where in this 26-page document the first chapter starts and ends, and we'll see what I can work out. *^^*

Okay, uhhh. Read 7th chapter of the pristine(my novel) that's the newest one and in it i wrote in my style...

- Chapter Seven: For the Gap Between Us | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

This one is better that my first chapter or i think... Sorry for asking you read 26 page long document, i thought u would read the first act and then give me points.
But the 7th chapter is in the new style...
Can't wait for the feedback ?

 

[Kager0u]

Wow! That is a generous offer and I would be thrilled to have an opinion on my first chapter! I hope you're not full yet ;)

This is my story right here: Somewhere we Belong
It's about two brothers trying to find their way in a hostile world, but I'll let you discover it for yourself, if you want to.

Kind regards
Kagerou

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Okay, uhhh. Read 7th chapter of the pristine(my novel) that's the newest one and in it i wrote in my style...

- Chapter Seven: For the Gap Between Us | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

This one is better that my first chapter or i think... Sorry for asking you read 26 page long document, i thought u would read the first act and then give me points.
But the 7th chapter is in the new style...
Can't wait for the feedback ?

Okayyyy, missing my goal here. I'm reading the FIRST chapter of authors' projects to check for pacing, character development, story flow, etc. So, I'd like to read chapter one, if possible, because Chapter 7 would be confusing to me without reading the other 6, and I'm not doing that. So, if you could please re-format just the first chapter of "Pristine", and I'd be very grateful. *^^*

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Okayyyy, missing my goal here. I'm reading the FIRST chapter of authors' projects to check for pacing, character development, story flow, etc. So, I'd like to read chapter one, if possible, because Chapter 7 would be confusing to me without reading the other 6, and I'm not doing that. So, if you could please re-format just the first chapter of "Pristine", and I'd be very grateful. *^^*

Okay... sorry, man, this shouldn't be this complicated.

That's why I told you to read the doc file...
It's written recently, there r 9 acts. Read the first act.

And it's canon too, like a backstory of the main character.

Spoiler: A man's life, 1st act

The scene practice- A life.

The dense forest of tall, dark trees stood straight. The shadows they cast reached the ground. Light couldn't creep through them. The soil was wet, as if it had recently received rain.

Crunch—sticks snapped in the abyss of this forest. A lone man walked like a soldier, marching through the obstacles: heavy breaths and slow steps.

'Man, that old geezer actually wants me to climb this big-ass mountain. What the fuck is wrong with him?'

"Sigh, this is hard. I can't even see the sun, but the smell is amazing. There was rain an hour ago." He muttered, gasping for air, and slowed down.

Arkam stopped below a long tree like a Titan. His back supported by the bark, he gulped some water down.

"Phew, that hit the spot." His mind lingered, then he started his march.

'How am I supposed to climb this shit? I just asked him one question... and now this—how am I supposed to find the answer here?'

The air was smooth and calm. Goosebumps rose as broken memories returned to his mind...

...A small cabin in the middle of golden fields. The air is smooth and cold, like a melody.

In the cabin's backyard, there were fences. Many cows, sheep, and chickens strolled the area.

"Oi, Arkam!" A grimy and jagged voice called-

"Yeah!" Arkam replied. He was feeding the cow wheat.

"Come, I need you here." Arkam's eyes twitched.

"Come where? I don't know where the hell you are." He stood up. fed the cow all the wheat straw.

"Oh, okay... I'm at the entrance. Come fast."

Arkam opened the back door to the backyard, going through the kitchen. He saw many things scattered around, as if a tornado had wreaked havoc everywhere. "What the fuck is this mess?"

"Oi, old man, who made this mess?" He inquired. Picking things up as he got closer to the front door.

"Reshe." The voice came from outside the door.

"Then tell her to clean it up, or I'll smack her." He dropped the things on the floor.

"Spank her? What the hell is wrong with you? She is 12," the man shouted.

Arkam opened the door. He squinted his eyes as the golden glare of the dawn blinded him. The golden-wheat field, with the small town's buzz. The birds were chirping, and the bell rang from the church above the hill.

As his vision returned to normal, an old man gasping for air with a lumbering axe in his hand. Many pieces of wood were lying at his feet.

"No, you old fart. I said smacking, not spanking. Get your hearing surgery already!"

"Hey, help me here. This is a young man's work; use those muscles." The man smiled, still gasping for air.

"Yeah, yeah, who told you to do this? I always do it, right?"

He stepped towards the old man. 'Hmph, he didn't even listen to me... Hey, how did you hear me across the backyard and entrance?'

"Yeah, but seeing you happy made me do this." The old man answered.

'Damn, old bastard. Every time he says something like that, he saves himself.' A smile crept across Arkam's face as he took the axe.

"Now, let me do this while you make dinner." And he chopped the woods, thud-thud, the wood piled up fast.

Pop-Arkam cracked his neck. "Phew, that took a while."

"Ay, big bro, Arkam..." A sweet voice called from the back as someone was pushing Arkam. "...Shitttt!" The little girl jumped on him as he fell on his butt.

The girl hugged him. "Wow, you are sweaty."

"Yeah, I was cutting wood before you jumped on me, you idiot." Arkam snapped, pushing her aside; he stood up. Then he dusted his clothes off.

"What the hell is wrong with you? What if the axe in my hand injured you, Reshe?" He inquired; the girl's head was down, and her silence, having no answer, made her quiet.

"It was me; if this were someone else, it would've been bad." Arkam walked past Reshe, picking up the axe he had thrown before Reshe could jump on him.

"Hey-hey, don't shout at her; she is just a kid." The old man heard the ruckus and came out of the kitchen.

"Tsk, it is not okay to go easy every time, old man. Let her feel the consequences of her mistakes."

"I am sorry..." the girl muttered.

"Hmph, okay, but be cautious next time. You're the only one besides this old geezer, okay?"

"Hey..." the man snapped.

"But what about you, big bro? You are also with us, right?" Her eyes were teary.

'No, I am not, even though I want to say that I am with you; it'll be a lie.' The thoughts lingered in his mind.

With a smile. "Yes, I'm with you, but I'm not here forever. I have to go when the holidays are over. Then you are the only one here with him." He patted her back.

Nodding up and down. "Yes, big bro."

His lips curled into a smile. His eyes were at ease.

The old man gestured for Arkam to come close. "You would've dodged her." He whispered in Arkam's ear.

"Yes, but she would've fallen on her face." A small chuckle escaped from the old man's mouth.

_____

End of Act 1.

Even now u can't do it, then wait for 2 days bcz im on a trip... Hope u don't hate.

 

[PrimeCo35]

It's okay. It's just a little unfair for me to have to go through a 26-page document when I'm only reviewing first chapters to make sure you're on the right track. But, tell you what, let me know where in this 26-page document the first chapter starts and ends, and we'll see what I can work out. *^^*

Yes, I can do that. I'll just need some time. Still have about 5 other writers to tend to. *^^*

No problem! I'll wait. And thank you very much.

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Okay... sorry, man, this shouldn't be this complicated.

Even now u can't do it, then wait for 2 days bcz im on a trip... Hope u don't hate.

You're right. It's not that complicated.
This is what I want to read:

- Chapter one: Closed eyes | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Someone told you in comments that your formatting and spacing was off back last month and you didn't correct it. So, I'm asking you again, please correct your spacing and formatting when you return from your vacation, and then I'll give you a review. *^^* I don't want to read anything apart from what you originally asked about.

 

[Angryange]

Hi if you got time my story is inside the Mind of a Serial Killer it's a short story would appreciate any feedback

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Hi if you got time my story is inside the Mind of a Serial Killer it's a short story would appreciate any feedback

I'm really not looking at short stories, I'd afraid. If you have a book/novella project, I can look at Prologues and first chapter. *^^*

But I think I'm going to start offering some writing tips on my profile page. People who want some really cool advice time to time, follow my account and I'll indulge best I can with the rules/tips/tricks I've learned after 40 years writing, being a literary agent, and a publisher. ?

LeilaniOtter's Profile | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Someone told you in comments that your formatting and spacing was off back last month and you didn't correct it. So, I'm asking you again, please correct your spacing and formatting when you return from your vacation, and then I'll give you a review. *^^* I don't want to read anything apart from what you originally asked about.

Yes... And Im sorry that didn't rewrite, as I told after the arcs end I'll rewrite it.

But only for this feedback, I wrote this on my trip...
On my phone, pls if this one also garbled, then...

Spoiler: The pristine chapter one-- closed eye

Chapter One—Closed Eyes

'If a human has lost their humanity, are they still human?'

In a flying car, a man sat in the passenger seat. His hand rested on the armrest as he slept. The white-matted car pierced above the forest blanket by thick mist.

The car floated above the clouds. Light rays shone through the window, annoying the man in the passenger seat.

He shielded his eyes. "Oi, old man, please let me sleep... I'm already tired of the last mission." He grumbled while turning his head away from the window.

The old man turned his head and replied, "Young master, we have almost reached our destination. Please wake up."

He frowned, noticing the young man napping in the seat. "The master said to wake you when it's about the missions, but I still let you rest."

He turned toward the wheel to see the digital clock on its back.

The young man smirked. "10 minutes more, Mom."

The driver narrowed his eyes and issued a command to the car, “Call the master.”

The young man jumped in his seat. “Come on! Old man. I was just trying to get some rest. And why are you calling Rond?”

He wiped his drool from his cheek. "Did Rond ask to drive me here… no, better question: why are you even driving in the age of A.I.?" he asked while staring at him.

The driver tapped a button on the wheel, opening the passenger's door. "Sir, you're getting late."

The young man got out of the car. "Never answering straight, huh?" He smirked.

The old driver chuckled a bit and said, "Good luck, Sir Arkam." His smile faded.

The car elevated above as it moved far away and slowly vanished into the air.

Arkam chuckled as he searched around.

He stood in the middle of the forest, barely ten steps away from a rusted bunker.

The misty forest whispered like a stream of water through leaves, while the soil smelled like the first rain of the season.

The shoes sank into the earth, heavy with moisture.

Crunch—The stick snapped, and Arkam marched towards the bunker.

'Sigh… Why were they still leaving these bunkers and ruins of the past untouched? Destroy them already.' Arkam's nose wrinkled.

He scanned the shadowed forest; nothing but silence.

"I should have taken my car… I need White here." He mumbled, but he couldn’t do anything about it.

Arkam slipped a hand into the secret pocket of his coat.

He pulled out a small case and clicked it open.

Inside lay a pair of clear specs, square-framed in black. He wore them.

Tapping two times at the left side of the specs, “Vice Captain Arkam, code name 0078-1, online for the mission.”

He waited for a reply for a few seconds, but dead silence—

A voice came with a high pitch, “Finally! Vice Captain, how long does it take you to go online?”

Worried and frustrated, the voice waited for a reply.

Arkam was silent. 'I need some sleep.'

“Sigh… Okay, there will be a drone coming your way in a few seconds. Connect with it, and it will provide information about the mission.”

The voice went shut.

A robot drifted from the sky. Slowly declined and stopped in front of Arkam's face.

It asked in a robotic whir for the code to connect.

Arkam said, “1-3-9G, now connect and give the fucking info of the mission.”

“This is an inspection mission. There are EMP [electromagnetic pulse] jammers here. Try to rely on the drone.” In a robotic whir, it gave the info.

His eyes twitched. 'Annoying piece of shit.' He expressed frustration at the process that was going on.

The branches and leaves cracked as he marched calmly toward the entrance of the bunker.

Arkam saw a keypad lock on the right of the big rusty door. He tried to use the keypad to enter the passcode, but the keypad didn't work.

The big doors were covered with moss and plants. The vines were all over the bunker entrance.

'Time and nature didn't go easy on you fucking junk. But I can’t go inside because of this stupid old door.' He kicked the door.

Then, he tapped on the left of the frame and commanded, “Protocol 2 online, connect code 1-3-9G.”

The specs powered on and replied, “Connect is secure,” in a ladylike voice.

The text appeared on the left side of the specs: “The connection is completed to the drone.”

"Yo… White (drone)." He smirked.

The drone slowly drifted towards Arkam.

"Yes sir, how can I help… like usually?"

He tapped two times on the left side of the frame. “Open the door.”

The robot levitated and transformed to open its backside.

Two small wires came out from the back as it got close to the keypad and opened it. Inserted both wires.

It took a few seconds, as the keypad had scratches and a broken screen.

The shown text with a broken robotic voice said, ‘Correct code, entry allowed.”

The rusty door trembled; vines snapped like fragile threads.

The dust swept away the past, revealing scars and “God is watching everything.”

The area was shrouded in a thick mist of dust.

Arkam backed off, pulling a black handkerchief to cover his mouth and nose.

The door opened with a metallic scraping that screamed, creaking like loud cries.

A whir echoed through the dense, dark forest.

Now revealed, the door hid nothing but tense darkness. A void far denser than the dark that forest showed.

The silence that screamed. The Mute whispered, Nothing but dread.

He narrowed his eyes, folding the handkerchief. He put it in his pocket.

Arkam turned around to see where the White was, dusting off his clothes and cleaning the specs.

Arkam ordered, “Explore the bunker, detect any life form... While making the map, send it to me.”

White hovered inside as it scanned the area.

Arkam activated night vision and entered the bunker.

He stepped into absolute darkness, with shrunken eyes and heavy breaths. His footsteps echoed, slowly fading into ‘nothing.’

Underground structure. A silhouette slowly strolled as he scanned the area.

He analyzed the map displayed on the left side of the specs.

'This place is bigger than I thought.'

He looked at the ceiling. 'Higher than a normal bunker.'

The further Arkam went, the more lost he became. A sudden message popped up on the specs:

“Detection of life, four individuals, at the second level, the storage room.”

He stopped, his eyes widened.

The shock accelerated Arkam’s thought process. “Four individuals,” he muttered.

“On the second level, how long will it take me to get there?” The map opened in the specs to answer his question.

"13 minutes."

"Well, better than nothing."

The intricate pattern formed on his skin across his shoulder blades, glowing with a blue tint.
They transformed into nano-tech, creating two hinged rods that protruded from his back. Extending down to his legs and draping over his trousers.

They attached to his knees and ankles, allowing for free movement. The shoes were enhanced with an additional layer of nano-tech.

The black matted GEAR enveloped the trousers, connecting to the knees and ankles.

The entire shoe was pulsating with blue veins that showed energy surging through it.

He started running and turned to the left. As he sped up, energy began to release. He moved so quickly that the naked eye couldn’t even see him.

He ran straight and saw a barricade that closed the entry to the second level.

The energy glowed from his shoe. And it was released as he jumped over the barricade.

He landed on the other side. Stopped as he saw a door, his gaze rising. ‘Second level.’

End---

All complete... Sigh

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Yes... And Im sorry that didn't rewrite, as I told after the arcs end I'll rewrite it.

But only for this feedback, I wrote this on my trip...
On my phone, pls if this one also garbled, then...

Well, it's a little better here. I'll give this a read when I have some time. *^^*