A_veil_of_red_ink
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Ay, don't worry, take as much time as you need.
No, rush.
I'm happy to be here, like you helped me before and again. So, thank you.
I'll review first chapters... ?
- Thread starter LeilaniOtter
- Start date
No, rush.
I'm happy to be here, like you helped me before and again. So, thank you.
Roney
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0 rush. Just getting the opinion of someone that has so many books under their belt is gonna be worth the wait I know it.
LeilaniOtter
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Who We Once Were
Hunted for a sealed power deep inside them, two sisters flee from a powerful and ruthless Church across a vast and beautiful world that has no mercy for the weak and unknown. Bound by blood and shadowed by Death at every turn, they must face many an enemy, survive deadly...
Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading?
Dream sequences are always dazzling when there’s description laced throughout, and it’s done well here. I get a sense of darkness, grim reality, death, and determination when I read this. The present-tense format with smooth narrative seems to make all the difference – it kicks this obvious fear and worry and apprehension up a notch and the reader feels what she does. Brilliant choice here.
Are the characters standing out?
Certainly. Already, I feel sorry for Nyla and her sister (would have been nice to know her name here, though). But there’s true grit here, the survivability, the unpredictable and the unknown that all those being hunted must know far too well. It really cooks! It’s exciting!
Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next".
Dumb question! It does! I want to know what happens next and I am tempted to add this one to my reading list!
How is the pacing?
We segue from the dream sequence to cold, harsh reality very well, with no breaks or bends in the flowing river. I can’t fault that. If I was to nitpick, things happen so quickly. We barely let the girls breathe before they’re suddenly on the run again. I would have liked to see more interaction between the two.
How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?
This might seem premature but…I suppose a little bit more could have been added to explain where we are here. What time, what place, what is going on? We know the girls are being hunted down but why? I know you don’t want to give away too much too soon though, so maybe just a few subtle hints would suffice here. I just like to see the world that the writer does.
Grammar/Spelling:
Nothing glaring at all. Everything looked spot on.
Strengths/Weaknesses:
Strengths:
Beautiful work overall. A firm grasp on story, prose, characters. A fine read!
Weaknesses:
I just felt everything happened too fast. I think a bit more interaction could have been done before the discussion of medicine and apothecary. This interaction could explain what town they’re in now, and give us more hints as to what is going on. if the dream is part of it, that will make a difference.
Overall, a solid B+
Can you review my novel? Id love to revceive feedbacks for you
here’s the link to my novel if you wanna check out https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1759908/finding-the-light/
LeilaniOtter
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I can take a look. It will be a few days, alright? *^^* Thanks for the trust.
Btw I’ll explain smth about the novel first so
The novel is smth like read to understand which is the more you read the more u understand about the world so.. i dunno what to explain but sure its about psychology but more action in future chapters
LeilaniOtter
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Okay, finally starting yours today. Look for a private message with analysis. *^^*
Well, my job is to review your first chapter and see if I'm liking it enough to continue reading, same as I would when I was a literary agent. *^^* So...if I like it, I might add it to my reading list, I don't know.
LeilaniOtter
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The Twelve - Chapter 1: The Last Light of Nature | Scribble Hub
Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading?
There really hasn’t been much to this chapter. It’s basically a few participants, Zai, Shi’I, Lai, and Zeke talking up their games and throwing the reader some exposition – and if this was an anime series with dubbed dialogue, this is EXACTLY how I’d envision everything – just with a lot of wild gesticulations and perhaps some fighting stances and chibi-arguing.
So, kudos on making me feel like I was watching an anime series, at least.
I love the narrative idea, and I’m letting you get away with a few grammar kinks because this is being told by a 15-year-old kid and rules are allowed to be broken. But what bothers me is the lack of tense cohesion. If Zai is the narrator, and it looks like we’re going with present tense here, then everything must stay in the present tense. There were a lot of “saids” and other past-tense words, (Very well done on dialogue, however. I was smiling), so you’ll want to re-read this and smoothly transition things either back to present tense, OR use my favorite method, and go with a narrative past-person. Then you’ll get away with all those “saids”.
Are the characters standing out?
Yes, we get some information about each one, their gifts, a little about their attitudes and ideals. I’m of course curious how Zai is going to fit in with the academy, and how he’ll learn to use his own inner gifts.
Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next"?
I suppose so. The tense differences put me off but I’d like to know what happens when these four head off to the academy. And I’m really curious about all these powers and what they can do, and how they are acquired, etc.
How is the pacing?
Pacing was alright. As I said from the start, I wasn’t too on board with everyone just talking, and displaying their gifts, and giving off exposition. I want to point out one instance where Lai admonishes Ezzy:
"Excuses are not going to cut it for the next stage of your life. You are officially about to become part of the 12 - the elite - the protectors of our land, individual cultures and the outside world - we ensure balance. You will learn to use your element for the greater good just as our forefathers were told to. While we are the 12 elemental branches, we're also part of the 353 - a special species of beings unlike anything the rest of the world has ever seen and will never see. Not everybody from the 353 becomes a 12, it takes a very discreet and disciplined individual. Which is why governments and leaders from across the world come to us for protection from creatures their people know nothing about - not to mention the conspirators who try to disrupt world balance because of greed of gain."
Alright, now, why is Lai saying this when Zai could have used a lot of this in his narrative from the beginning…?
It’s just little things like this that really make my point. This needs a bit of a re-write and re-think. If this is a narrative, stick with it. If exposition needs to be done, let the narrator do it, and don’t tell so much without showing. This will definitely improve your pacing.
How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?
There’s really not too much needed at this stage. A glacier area of Earth. But the concept of the 12 branches of powers deeply interests me, and it looks like it’s been well thought out.
Grammar/Spelling:
A few bits here and there to address. Remember your tenses, most importantly.
Strengths/Weaknesses:
Strengths:
Very nice concept; intriguing characters; fun dialogue, (seriously, write a script for anime!); good story telling.
Weaknesses:
Lack of cohesive tense; too much exposition; few world-building details (a lot more about the world around them would have been great to see)
Overall, a solid C
LeilaniOtter
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Truth Beyond the veil
Three close friends find their lives turned upside down after awakening from a strange event, and they receive powers they can’t explain. With these newfound abilities, they begin exploring the world, visiting places they never thought they would see. But the more they venture, the more they...
Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading?
I was really digging the Prologue! That was really a masterful stroke of writing, with the exposition coming out of nowhere like that, and we see someone actually typing everything down. It was the psychological aspects that really appealed to me. Here, we have a teenager writing down some of the most hopeless, grim, deep thoughts a teen can have, and the next he’s ready to bounce up and play video games with his friends. That’s an outstanding display of character development.
Unfortunately, the troubles begin with the next chapter, when they’re all three playing their video game together, and then once finished, we’re put inside each of their worlds, and it gets a bit puzzling and hard to follow. Moreover, the tense changes many times from past to present, to narrative to third-person. I’d like things to have a more seamless flow between characters, if possible. There was a huge amount of grammar, ineffectual writing, and pacing concerns – although reading the video game banter between the trio was enjoyable.
Are the characters standing out?
I would say so. Victor, Leo, and Theo each have their own lives to deal with; but together they are obviously good friends and it shows. Like any teen, they want to have fun. It’s a bit too early, but from the chapter, we can see that each is facing certain situations which will soon prove to be more than they seem, and foreshadow how much their lives are about to change. (no spoilers!)
Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next"?
I really want to know what’s going to happen to these three kids, of course, now that we’re seeing bits and pieces that suggest something extraordinary is happening to them. What happens next? *^^*
How is the pacing?
This needs some work. While I’m happy to see you switching between characters, you need to remember your tenses. Like I said, you switched back and forth often. That, mixed with dragging unnecessary verbiage, really hurt the pacing a lot. Your river had a few breaks and bends.
How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?
I believe, yes, you do, a little. I would like you to tell readers more about the game the kids are playing, just since it’s the year 2377 and I, for one, would love to see your vision of what online games seem like now. The real problem with writing in a post-apoc future is how to convey to the reader the hows and whys. How did Earth get screwed up and why did it have the effects it does on society now? You touched on it a little bit; I would like to see more. Your readers will really want to know too.
Grammar/Spelling:
Quite a few. Please review my earlier notes about these. Especially focus on fixing tenses and sticking to them.
Strengths/Weaknesses:
Strengths:
Good character building; great dialogue; good story concept from the synopsis.
Weaknesses:
The pacing is not there. The transitions between characters needs better flow. We need a bit more about the Earth you’re taking us to. Work on fixing grammar also.
Overall, a solid C+
Loreweaver2012
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Demon King Of Liberation
Demon King of Liberation Beneath the eternal crimson sky and the watchful gaze of twin suns, the demon realm stands on the edge of annihilation. The ancient barrier—a core of mythic power—weakens as nightmare beasts gather, and the fate of the Western Kingdom teeters on a knife’s...
LeilaniOtter
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Sure, I'll need a few days. There's about 5-6 people ahead of you, okay? *^^*If you can please do try my storyDemon King Of Liberation
Demon King of Liberation Beneath the eternal crimson sky and the watchful gaze of twin suns, the demon realm stands on the edge of annihilation. The ancient barrier—a core of mythic power—weakens as nightmare beasts gather, and the fate of the Western Kingdom teeters on a knife’s...www.scribblehub.com
Loreweaver2012
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Sure sir it would be my pleasure
Heyo, Would you mind checking my pilot chapter out if you have time? Its a personal novel I've decided to publish and want to know if it would intrest some? Thanks
Last edited:
LeilaniOtter
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Cursed Destiny
Bound by ancient bloodlines and forgotten magic, Silveral and Leonardo are cursed and blessed by powers they never asked. One is a hardened crime boss slipping further into a monstrous, devilish form with each passing day. The other, a runaway prince, holds the power to save him, but only if...
Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading?
Oh, I really am! Your writing is spectacular! It flows wonderfully, like a river should, no bends or breaks. Immediately enchanted with the story! What if opposites fell in love? How many times have we seen a plot like that, in anime, in moves, in other books...and yet, this is interesting because what it's not - there's no sweet roses and rainbows here; there's power and emotions and heartbreak already in the first two sections. We immediately feel for a couple obviously making an attempt at undying love and devotion - when it would be incredibly taboo to do so. Yes, hooked, and have added it to my reading list!
Are the characters standing out?
Yes! Silveral and Leonardo seem like the ultimate mismatched lovers, and the banter between them; it's romantic and yet sends a message to the reader that they're going to go through a lot if they're going to make this work. From chapter 1, we meet other characters, Hades, and Ashes, and are introduced to other species, half-drows, Dragonborn, etc., who gives us just enough exposition, while adding new "character" to our main characters. The fighting sequence is really well executed, not lasting too long needlessly. Just right.
Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next"?
Sorry, what was that? I was too busy clicking "Next". *^^*
How is the pacing?
I honestly thought the chapters were running long at first, and was afraid things might be dragging too much in areas, but that's not the case. This is slow-burn, the way I like adventures like this. Readers must be patient but there is a great payoff. *^^*
How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?
Well...there had to be something I could point out, because no one's perfect. *^^* I had a sense of a very desolate cemetery in the prologue, and then we're in Silveral's estate. We're not really delving too much into the outside world. There's really no sense of time, place, etc. I would have really liked to see in the Prologue maybe a little bit about the world around your characters. You've made such fantastic characters and dialogue and exposition here.
Grammar/Spelling:
Nothing wrong that I could see. Again, some of the best writing I've come across. *^^*
Strengths/Weaknesses:
Strengths:
Writing, pacing, characters, plotting, dialogue.
Weaknesses:
Just some world-building to bring this all together!
Overall, a solid A-
GreenLemonShark
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Just wanted to give a big thank you for the incredibly thoughtful and generous A- review on Cursed Destiny! ?Cursed Destiny
Bound by ancient bloodlines and forgotten magic, Silveral and Leonardo are cursed and blessed by powers they never asked. One is a hardened crime boss slipping further into a monstrous, devilish form with each passing day. The other, a runaway prince, holds the power to save him, but only if...
Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading?
Oh, I really am! Your writing is spectacular! It flows wonderfully, like a river should, no bends or breaks. Immediately enchanted with the story! What if opposites fell in love? How many times have we seen a plot like that, in anime, in moves, in other books...and yet, this is interesting because what it's not - there's no sweet roses and rainbows here; there's power and emotions and heartbreak already in the first two sections. We immediately feel for a couple obviously making an attempt at undying love and devotion - when it would be incredibly taboo to do so. Yes, hooked, and have added it to my reading list!
Are the characters standing out?
Yes! Silveral and Leonardo seem like the ultimate mismatched lovers, and the banter between them; it's romantic and yet sends a message to the reader that they're going to go through a lot if they're going to make this work. From chapter 1, we meet other characters, Hades, and Ashes, and are introduced to other species, half-drows, Dragonborn, etc., who gives us just enough exposition, while adding new "character" to our main characters. The fighting sequence is really well executed, not lasting too long needlessly. Just right.
Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next"?
Sorry, what was that? I was too busy clicking "Next". *^^*
How is the pacing?
I honestly thought the chapters were running long at first, and was afraid things might be dragging too much in areas, but that's not the case. This is slow-burn, the way I like adventures like this. Readers must be patient but there is a great payoff. *^^*
How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?
Well...there had to be something I could point out, because no one's perfect. *^^* I had a sense of a very desolate cemetery in the prologue, and then we're in Silveral's estate. We're not really delving too much into the outside world. There's really no sense of time, place, etc. I would have really liked to see in the Prologue maybe a little bit about the world around your characters. You've made such fantastic characters and dialogue and exposition here.
Grammar/Spelling:
Nothing wrong that I could see. Again, some of the best writing I've come across. *^^*
Strengths/Weaknesses:
Strengths:
Writing, pacing, characters, plotting, dialogue.
Weaknesses:
Just some world-building to bring this all together!
Overall, a solid A-
I’m really grateful you took the time to not only read both the prologue and Chapter 1, but also to share your thoughts so clearly and kindly, both privately and now publicly! Your feedback means a lot, and I’m beyond flattered by the high grade.
I’ll definitely keep your notes in mind as I continue writing, and thank you again for supporting a newbie writer like me. ?
MariaAurora
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Hi, I saw that you're offering to rate the first chapter, do you mind giving me an honest review of my newly-written story?
You can read the chapter 00, thank you
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1772330/to-break-the-cage-of-a-lovely-bird/
You can read the chapter 00, thank you
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1772330/to-break-the-cage-of-a-lovely-bird/
LeilaniOtter
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Sure, there's about four people in front of you, but I can take a look when I have time. *^^*
imperior.....
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Can I see the beginning of my story to develop it?"moiz curse"
LeilaniOtter
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I'm so sorry. Could you explain that again please?