I'll review first chapters... ?

[LeilaniOtter]

Why did you do this to me?
Just whY?

*grins widely*

Because I'm that good.

 

[Rookieqw]

I wish you had maybe taken some time to tell the reader about all this incredible, well-written prose (although I had a few concerns that perhaps AI had lent a hand slightly)

Thank you for your input! About AI. I've first written the story in my native language, then used Google Translate to bring it into English (instead of writing the story in English right away, as I've done with every other novel so far.). Then I've changed a word here and there (replaced killed with slaughtered, as an example) and fixed overall grammar (it was and still is an agonizing experience to replace — with " " for dialogues. Google very selectively translates this part of the dialogues into English).

Latif is never mentioned again, not once, for the remainder of the chapter once we’re introduced to Rustam.

Latif appears in the second chapter. Sorry about the confusion. It was no dream sequence; Rustam hallucinated at the end because of the gas used by the crusaders. It, too, is explained a bit in the second chapter. Basically, they don't want to cause needless casualties among minors, so they used it.


The long exposition about Latif was meant to serve as a hint that he should've never lived for as long as he did. I crudely tried to point out the unnatural luck involved and give a hint that there may be a reason why it failed now. That and give the idea of why the locals would side with the crusaders over Latif, despite them both formally being loyal to Paikan.

 

[LeilaniOtter]

The long exposition about Latif was meant to serve as a hint that he should've never lived for as long as he did. I crudely tried to point out the unnatural luck involved and give a hint that there may be a reason why it failed now. That and give the idea of why the locals would side with the crusaders over Latif, despite them both formally being loyal to Paikan.

Ah, that does clear up a few matters - but I'm still a bit iffy on that long exposition with no substance. This still needs a serious trimming to me. You saw what I mean about the first part of your chapter vs. the second part, right? it felt like you were another writer entirely. *^^* it's STILL very brilliantly written, I'm not taking that away from you. Your writing is among some of the best I've seen in SH so far.

 

[SkaraVaden]

Hi! If you still have room, I would love some feedback on my story! Thank you very much, either way!

Respawned, My Last Chance

Luna wakes up trapped in her character's body in her favorite MMO: an adventurer in the magical and monstrous world of Elaria. It seems like a dream come true... until the nightmares outside and inside her head begin to haunt her. Elaria is no longer just a game. It's real,...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Hi! If you still have room, I would love some feedback on my story! Thank you very much, either way!

Respawned, My Last Chance

Luna wakes up trapped in her character's body in her favorite MMO: an adventurer in the magical and monstrous world of Elaria. It seems like a dream come true... until the nightmares outside and inside her head begin to haunt her. Elaria is no longer just a game. It's real,...

www.scribblehub.com

I still have room! I haven't reached my 20-author limit yet. I can look at yours tomorrow, I think. *^^*

 

[SkaraVaden]

Thank you! That would be great!!!

 

[LeilaniOtter]

I saw you’re offering to read first chapters and give honest feedback, that’s really generous of you, thank you! ?

Just a heads-up my story starts with a prologue that’s more romantic and quiet. It doesn’t have much worldbuilding or action, it mainly builds the emotional bond between my two main characters. So if you’re in the mood for something more character-focused, feel free to start there.

That said, Chapter 1 is where the real story kicks off, there’s more worldbuilding, more characters, and a lot more going on overall. If you’re only planning to read one, I’d recommend Chapter 1.

But if you’re open to reading both the prologue and Chapter 1, I’d honestly love your opinion on whether I should even keep the prologue at all. I’ve been feeling like the tone of the prologue doesn’t quite match Chapter 1 or the rest of the story, and I’d really appreciate an outside perspective.

Prologue – Crumbling Barriers
Chapter 1 – Claustrophobic Corridors

Ay, this is not a chapter or other novel, just a scene practice. My newest work, if I say.

Spoiler: A man's life

The scene practice- A life.

The dense forest of tall, dark trees stood straight and tall.

The shadows they cast reached the ground. Light couldn't creep through them.

The soil was wet, as if the rain had just fallen.

Crunch—sticks snapped in the abyss of this forest. A lone man walked like a soldier, marching through the obstacles: heavy breaths and slow steps.

Man, that old geezer really wants me to climb this big-ass mountain. What the fuck is wrong with him? He thought.

"Sigh, this is hard. I can’t even see the sun, but the smell is amazing. I think there was rain an hour ago." He muttered, gasping for air, and slowed down.

Arkam stopped below a long tree like a Titan. His back supported by the bark, he gulped some water down.

"Phew, that hit the spot." His mind lingered, then he started his march.

Still, how am I supposed to climb this shit? I just asked him one question... and now this—how am I supposed to find the answer here?

The air was smooth and calm. Goosebumps rose as broken memories returned to his mind…

…A small cabin in the middle of golden fields. The air is smooth and cold, like a melody.

In the cabin's backyard, there were fences. Many cows, sheep, and chickens strolled the area.

"Oi, Arkam!" A grimy and jagged voice called–

"Yeah!" Arkam replied. He was feeding the cow wheat.

"Come, I need you here." Arkam’s eyes twitched.

"Come where? I don't know where the hell you are." He stood up. And fed the cow all the wheat straw.

"Oh, okay… I'm at the entrance. Come fast."

Arkam opened the back door to the backyard. Then, going through the kitchen and then the hall—

What the fuck is this mess? He saw many things scattered around, as if a tornado had just wreaked havoc everywhere.

"Oi, old man, who made this mess?" He inquired. Picking things up as he got closer to the front door.

"Reshe." The voice came from outside the door.

"Then tell her to clean it up, or I'll smack her." He dropped the things on the floor.

"Spank her? What the hell is wrong with you? She is 12," the man shouted. Arkam opened the door.

He squinted his eyes as the golden glare of the dawn blinded him.

The golden-wheat field, with the small town's buzz.

The birds were chirping, and the bell rang from the church above the hill.

As his vision returned to normal, an old man was gasping for air with a lumbering axe in his hand. Many pieces of wood were lying at his feet.

“No, you old fart. I said smacking, not spanking. Get your hearing surgery already!”

"Hey, help me here. This is a young man's work; use those muscles." The man smiled, still gasping for air.

"Yeah, yeah, who told you to do this? I always do it, right?"

He stepped towards the old man. Hmph, he didn't even listen to me... Hey, how did you hear me across the backyard and entrance?

"Yeah, but seeing you happy made me do this." The old man answered.

Damn, old bastard. Every time he says something like that, he saves himself. A smile crept across Arkam’s face as he took the axe.

"Now, let me do this while you make dinner." And he chopped the woods, thud-thud, the woods piled up very quickly.

"Phew, that took a while," Pop–Arkam cracked his neck.

"Ay, big bro, Arkam." A sweet voice called from the back as someone was pushing Arkam.

"Shit!" The little girl jumped on him as he fell on his butt.

The girl hugged him. "Wow, you are really sweaty."

"Yeah, I was cutting wood before you jumped on me, you idiot." Arkam snapped, pushing her aside; he stood up. Then he dusted his clothes off.

"What the hell is wrong with you? What if the axe in my hand injured you, Reshe?" He inquired; the girl's head was down, and her silence, having no answer, made her quiet.

"It was me; if this were someone else, it would've been bad." Arkam walked past Reshe, then picked up the axe he had thrown before Reshe could jump on him.

"Hey-hey, don't shout at her; she is just a kid." The old man heard the ruckus and came out of the kitchen.

"Tsk, it is not okay to go easy every time, old man. Let her feel the consequences of her mistakes."

"I am sorry..." the girl whispered.

"Hmph, okay, but be cautious next time. You're the only one besides this old geezer, okay?"

"Hey..." the man snapped.

"But what about you, big bro? You are also with us, right?" Her eyes were teary.

No, I am not, even though I want to say that I am with you; it'll be a lie. The thoughts lingered in his mind.

With a smile—

"Yes, I'm with you, but I'm not here forever. I have to go when the holidays are over. Then you are the only one here with him."

He slowly patted her back, nodding up and down. “Yes, big bro.” His lips curled into a smile.

The old man gestured for Arkam to come close. "You would've dodged her." He whispered in Arkam’s ear.

"Yes, but she would've fallen on her face.” A small chuckle escaped from the old man's mouth.

End of Act 1.

Scene Writing practice—A man's life 'Act 2'

A man wearing a black padded alpine wanderer like a black sheep.

In the woods, silence devoured, and an abyss hissed like a snake.

The man walked through and through; finally, the rays blessed him from the shadows of the forest.

The clear blue sky—Arkam was amazed by it. 'Damn, never thought the sun would make me happy.'

He put down his bag. His shoulder sank as the burden was down.

The open green field swayed gently in the breeze.

Arkam smiled, his gaze directed upward— a giant mountain, its peak reaching above the clouds. The massive rock pointed towards the heavens. Above the coat of white, the snow glistened.

"Old man, said it was 9285 meters above the sea, damn."

Well, you gave me a 'great' deal of work, old bastard.

Scratching his head, he removed the black jacket. “Phew, that was intense. That old man didn't tell me to wear this when it was truly cold."

He sighed, walking close to the bag. He searched for something in it, pulling his hand out with a chocolate bar.

'Well, time to eat.'

He munched down the bar.

The birds chirping and leaves rustling made time pass slowly.

The grass weaved, the air forced. The long and lone mountain, standing.

The smell of rain and the slight chill in the air made his tense eyes loosen.

He put the wrapping of the bar in the bag and sat down. In the peaceful moment, he lay back and closed his eyes.

At the cabin, Arkam sat outside, the chair between the golden fields.

"Big bro, Grandpa is asking you. Come fast." Reshe screamed, but the heavy sounds of air made it fade.

Arkam heard her. "Yeah... coming."

Arkam got up from the chair, slowly strolling toward the cabin. "Ay, old man... did you call me?" Arkam slowly pulled the door.

He walked to the kitchen. "What happened?" As he looked at the old man.

"Sit down; I wanted to talk about something, something important." Cutting the vegetables.

He pulled the chair out from the dining table and sat down. "Okay, if this is a father-son talk, then I'm not interested." Licking his lips, Arkam gazed at the old man.

The man stared at him intentionally, as if he wanted something from Arkam.

"What?!" As he didn't know what he was doing.

"Ahh, so... Arkam, what do you think you are going to do? Like, are you planning to stay here or something?" The man's gaze drifted toward Reshe, who stood at the entrance of the kitchen—

"Reshe, this time I don't want you to be here; please, can you leave us alone?" The man said.

Resha pouted and left those two alone.

Tik-tok, the clock sang. They were silent, with no voice or answers. They could even hear their own heartbeat.

Arkam took a deep breath—"I don't know." Arkam tried to hide his gaze from the man.

Slamming the table with his hands. "You stayed here almost four months. Right? Then how don't you know?"

Arkam's eyes widened. "Hey, calm down. It's not a big deal."

What is going on? Why is he so mad? Not like his normal self.

"I had a call from Rond... He asked, Did Arkam make a choice?" The old man leaned towards the table, his hand on the rough surface.

Arkam nodded slowly, “Hmm, but I have two months, right? And besides, a soldier needs rest.”

The old man clutched his jaw. "Don't be a soldier, Arkam; the war has already ended."

Arkam’s shoulder tensed, making a fist. Narrowed his eyes. "I am a soldier; that's who I AM."

Sigh, the man rubbed his temple. "I thought you would change in these four months. But I was wrong."

They both sat in silence; time passed, and still nothing was said.

Reshe, after playing with her friends, came home.

Seeing Arkam and an old man, she quietly stepped onto the stairs.

End of Act 2.
____
Scene Writing Practice—A Man's 'Act 3'

Arkam perched on the chair, in front of the old man.

Tik-Tok-Tik, the time was almost midnight. A small table stood between them.

The kitchen was small and humble. Behind the old man, three steps away, stood a big pot on a burning stove—the fire crackled beneath it.

The old man clutched his jaw. "Sigh, Arkam."

He gazed at the old man. "What?"

"Do you think that you'll get out of the war or memories of it someday?" The old man's arm was at the table as he stared at Arkam.

"I think I will—”

“Stop lying!" The man interrupted Arkam.

"You just pretend. Pretend to be like this—you think, I don't know who you really are, 'immortal killer.'" The man gazed at Arkam—cough, he coughed a few times.

Arkam’s eyes widened, his breath getting heavy. "Ho... how do you know that name?"

"Cough...Rond told me when he dropped you here." His gaze lowered, taking a deep breath.

"Arkam. You didn't change in four months, and only two remain." Closing his eyes, he rubbed his temple.

"...Rond wanted you to 'live,' like a real person; now is the time to think—do you want to live here or go with Rond?" The old man gaped for air.

Finally, Arkam opened his mouth, but he hesitated, closing his mouth, he shut his eyes. "Sigh, this is really hard. But I want to say this much, and I'm not going to pretend... here and now."

"Okay, now say what you really 'want.'" The old man nodded.

Arkam stared at the ceiling. "I don't know what I want; this is a dilemma—if I stay here, I will just 'live' with no achievements. But if I go, I'll suffer... I really don't know."

The old man's eyes twitched. "...even now you're pretending. Say what you really want to say, damn it."

Arkam's eyebrows furrowed. "Okay… then, what is life?"

A smirk crept across the old man's face. "If you want to know what life is, then I have a mission for you."

Arkam narrowed his eyes. A mission? What... mission? This geezer is going to say something absurd; I know it.

"Do you know Karta Mountain... the biggest and the most savage of mountains?" Still grinning.

"Yes, almost 65 km away from here; that's all I know."

Arkam’s eyes widened. There is no way, he's going to say...

The old man gritted his teeth and squinted. "Climb that mountain, Arkam, to find the answer to your question."

Chills ran down Arkam's spine. He rubbed his temple and lowered his head onto the table, waiting in that position for a few seconds. Tik-tik, the sound of the clock, echoed in the small space.

He stood up. "Even if I do something this insane, how am I supposed to find the 'answer'?"

The old man smirked. "That's on you. You are to follow this last order; after it, you may be free from the war."

Arkam clenched his jaw and took a deep breath. "Sigh... do I have to climb it alone?" He gazed at the floor.

"Were you alone in the war?" The old man stood up and got a glass, filling it with some water.

"Yes." He nodded.

The old man extended the water to Arkam. "Then, here you're also alone."

Arkam’s gaze drifted towards the old man.

The old man smirked, putting his hand on Arkam’s shoulder—"A man's life gets harder when he sees things that he shouldn't have; now it's time to forget those things."

Arkam’s cheeks wrinkled into a soft smile. He gave a quiet nod and took the glass from the old man.

He suddenly opened his eyes, finding himself in the green fields. “Ohh, right napped a bit, well, time to go.”

Stretching his arms, he stood up. His gaze searched for the bag. Grabbing the bag, he marched towards the savage mountain, Karta.

End of Act 3.
_____
A man's life "Act 4"

Arkam slowly marched through the green fields. A voice came, sharp and commanding. "Stop right there."

Arkam halted—a buzzing sound came, like a bee close to an ear. Two drones, big and carbon-matted. They gleamed in the sky.

"Who are you? And why are you here?" The voice came from the drones, both in sync.

The drones scanned Arkam's face. They searched the whole database, finding nothing.

"I'm going to ask again, who are you? And why are you in Karta territory?" The drones slowly leveled at Arkam's face, almost three steps away.

"I'm Arkam, and I'm here to climb the mountain." He placed his bag down and raised his hands.

"..." A few seconds go by, no response. "Okay, you can clear." The drones go high up in the sky. Fading after some time.

Arkham rubbed his jaw. 'What a waste of time.' Picking his bag up, he stepped again as the wind followed.

He paused once more in front of a large metallic door, nearly twice his height. So, this is the camp.

"It feels more like a military installation than a mountain outpost." As he stepped closer, he called out, "Is anybody home? Please open the door." But there was no response.

Sigh, should I break this door or something? Then he noticed a note.

"Warning: A high-security camp." It read.

The door opened; beyond it was a man in a white military suit, a bluish hat, and black leather boots.

Arkam narrowed his eyes. Who is that? A soldier, no bigger than that... A commander.

He stepped closer to Arkam, both face-to-face. "My name is Santer Ber Men, and I'm in charge here."

Arkam stared at him, then smirked, "I don't remember a commander coming for a lowly traveler."

The man chuckled, "Sharp from the tough, huh?" He scanned Arkam with his eyes. "But, yeah, I don't usually do that... It is interesting to find someone with no information in our database."

"I can be a wanderer, you know." Still a smirk on his face.

The man narrowed his eyes. "...Or can be a rebel."

Arkam's eyes twitched. "No, I'm definitely not a rebel, just someone who wants to climb."

"Hmm, how do I know that you aren't a rebel?" The man's face tensed.

"I'm going to slowly take a permit out of my bag; that will be sufficient." Arkam placed his bag down, gazing at the commander.

"Yeah, go ahead." He snapped his finger, and many red dots appeared on Arkam.

Well, of course, he is a commander; he'll come with safety. He rummaged through the bag, then pulled out a small, thin, black pad, almost the size of his palm.

He approached the commander and tapped the pad twice. A bluish glow formed a hologram, displaying scripted words.

The commander took the pad and started reading. His eyes drifted—the eyes widened—he gazed at Arkam. "Is this true?"

He nodded, "Yeah."

"Then come in, sir." The commander gestured to him, and the red dots vanished one by one.

He smiled, and then both Arkam and the commander got into the facility.

In the facility, Arkam saw soldiers marching with guns, drones flying in the sky, and normal people who were in the facility.

The metallic ceiling opened to the sky, and the people cried out, while the drones buzzed.

"So, why do you want to climb the mountain?" The commander marched with Arkam, staring at him.

"I... Someone asked me to; that's why." Arkam gazed at the mountain, which was enveloped in clouds.

Commander's eyes widened. "What? You are going to climb the most savage mountain just because someone asked you."

Arkam smiled. "Yes, that sums it up."

The commander laughed, leaving those around him confused. "You're crazy... Oh, my stomach hurts," Straightening up and adjusting his hat. He fixed his gaze on Arkam. "You really are an odd one. But since you have the noble decree, we can't stop you."

Good thing Rond gave me that before departure. Noble decree... I didn't know it was so powerful. Well, thank Rond. He nodded, then moved ahead.

(***)

In the 'B' empire, at the office of Count Rond was reading something from a pad, and then he sneezed.

(***)

Arkam stood at a station; many cars stood there, and planes too.

The commander was next to Arkam. "This is the place; you’re not going to walk to Karta. You have to take a car to go there."

"Okay, so you'll give me one car or someone will pilot it." Arkam put his bag down, cracking his neck.

"Well, of course, someone else will be piloting." He smiled.

"Hmm." Arkam nodded. Damn it, I wanted to drive one, but it's good to be traveling with a flying car.

A man strolled towards Arkam, giving the pad to the commander. "Sir, we got permission from higher-ups."

“Good. Arkam, you’ll depart in one hour.” The Commander gave the pad to Arkam and then nodded to the soldier next to him. As he walked towards the exit, he looked back at Arkam and smiled.

"Sir, you can rest in the cabin next to the commander's chamber." The soldier picked Arkam's back—but struggled. "What...the hell is this?" He used full force but couldn't pick up.

"Don't worry about it. You may go." Arkam gazed at the cars.

The soldier bowed and exited the large chamber, his footsteps echoing as he walked away.

Arkam checked the pad that was given by the commander. "Hmm, this is a..." His widened. "Damn you, Rond, still fucking with me." A smile crept across his face.

'Have a nice climb, kid, by Rond.' the pad read.
____
End of Act 4.
____

Scene practice—A man's life, Act 5


---

Arkam stood on a concrete floor; to his right stood the commander. The sky opened like calm before a storm.

The air was disrupted as Arkam covered his eyes. A black matte car lowered from the sky. Like a crow gliding through the sky.

It got close to the floor; two inches above it, it levitated.

Arkam, with his bag, got into the car. "Well, commander, until we meet again." Arkam nodded to the commander.

"Yes, when you come, tell me about the tales and the journey you had." The commander smiled and waved his hand.

The pilot looked back at Arkam. "Should we go, sir?"

Arkam nodded. "Yes."

The car ascended into the sky, where the bird cried.

Boom, it cut through the sky, flying towards the Savage mountain Karta.

Arkam rubbed his jaw. 'Here I come, Karta.'

Drifting through the sky, above a dense forest, rivers, and cliffs. It moves forward.

Arkam rummaged in the bag, pulling out a black jacket and boots. "How much time does it take to arrive at the mountain?"

The pilot looked at the front. "20 to 30 minutes, sir," operating the car.

"Huh? 30 minutes, but the mountain looks closer than that." Arkam furrowed. Scratching his head, he munched on a chocolate bar.

"Oh, that is a phenomenon where a mountain looks closer than it is." The pilot smiled. "Are you really a mountaineer?"

"...No, I'm not a mountaineer." Arkam with a smile.

The pilot suddenly slowed the car, stopping in the air. "What? You're not a mountaineer." His eyes twitched. Overwhelmed by Arkam's reply

"Yes... is that a problem?" He stretched his head.

"Yes! You're going to the most savage lands on the planet..." His eyes widened. Breathe heavily. "...without much experience of climbing."

Arkam squinted his eyes with a smile. "Did you fight in the war?"

"No. I did not, but that isn't relevant here." He stared at Arkam with his eyebrows furrowed.

His jaw tensed, making a fist. "I have, and that would be more savage than a big dumb rock. Now start moving."

He calmed down, taking deep breaths. "Well, you're going to die; I was just concerned."

The car moved again, cutting through the sky. As the terrain changed, a dense mist covered the area, and the plant life thinned throughout the area.

"Hey, are we there?" Arkam stared out the window, exasperated by the area.

The pilot's eyes twitched, looking outside. "No, ten more minutes..." Shifting gears, the vehicle took the pace. “...Or five minutes."

Arkam smirked. 'Damn, this guy is pissed.'

The car halted. In the sky, birds flew past it.

"Hey, this is the place." As Arkam looked down, he saw a big wall of jagged rocks. And a thin forest at the bottom of it.

Arkam narrowed his eyes. 'Hmm, looks like time has finally come.'

The car drifted down the bottom of the wall. Arkam got out of the car and got his bag out.

“This is where the climber starts from; there'll be trails, but the further you go, the fewer the trails are... be careful.” He nodded to Arkam.

Arkam smirked, nodding back. "This guy is not that bad."

The air howled as the air got up in the air. The quiet of the journey back. Arkam got closer to the wall.

It loomed like a trial, almost staring down at Arkam.

Aram smirked; he had not noticed a sign.

Warning: the death wall—don't climb it; there's no piton to hang on...

'...no one ever climbed it, the death wall. That motherfucker left me here, the worst place to start with. His muscles tensed with the killing intent, rubbing his temple. "Sigh, the old man said to start here, but that little piece of shit left here."

He put down the bag and pulled out a chalk bag; he dusted some on his hand and clapped to remove excess chalk.

Getting closer to the wall of rock, he extended his arm to a very jagged area. His grip is firm, too tight for air to go through.

Then, stepping on another stone, pulled upwards--grabbing from his other hand, he climbe
d the wall of death.

Is this going to be the death or rebirth?


---

End of Act 5.

I don't have any expectations, like this will be extraordinary or something, but this is my best work. The grammar will be bad, and sentences will be chunky. This is just a draft.
While I'm at it, for monologue I used italic style, but for some reason it's coming here, soo please bare with it.??

Meowmarked~.

I'll have all of your reviews in another day or so, okay? Hang in there. I didn't expect so many requests. ??

 

[Eldoria]

Interesting! I'd love to receive an objective review, even if it's just the prologue. I've already asked several readers for their opinions, but the response has been overwhelmingly positive. That alone isn't enough to evaluate my novel. I'd be very grateful if you could help review it. Thank you. Best regards.

Sequel:

Blood Rose Princess Just Wants to Live in Peace with Her Little Daughter

What if the world chose to forget its saviour and its sins, while the saviour chose instead to protect her daughter’s innocence? Seven years ago, the age of tyranny was erased from the memory of mankind. Civilisation crumbled, the tyrants fell into an eternal sleep, and the victims woke...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Interesting! I'd love to receive an objective review, even if it's just the prologue. I've already asked several readers for their opinions, but the response has been overwhelmingly positive. That alone isn't enough to evaluate my novel. I'd be very grateful if you could help review it. Thank you. Best regards.

Sequel:

Blood Rose Princess Just Wants to Live in Peace with Her Little Daughter

What if the world chose to forget its saviour and its sins, while the saviour chose instead to protect her daughter’s innocence? Seven years ago, the age of tyranny was erased from the memory of mankind. Civilisation crumbled, the tyrants fell into an eternal sleep, and the victims woke...

www.scribblehub.com

Sure, I can add this to my to-review list. *^^*
You say it's just a prologue; no other chapters? it will be hard for me to evaluate without a bit of story.

 

[Eldoria]

Sure, I can add this to my to-review list. *^^*
You say it's just a prologue; no other chapters? it will be hard for me to evaluate without a bit of story.

You mentioned only reviewing one chapter, so I thought it was just the prologue. I don't want to bother you, but if you could review more than one chapter, I would be very grateful. This sequel novel has 55 chapters, with each chapter varying in word count from 600 to 2,000 words. This novel also has a prequel with seven chapters, averaging 1,500 words per chapter.

 

[LeilaniOtter]

You mentioned only reviewing one chapter, so I thought it was just the prologue. I don't want to bother you, but if you could review more than one chapter, I would be very grateful. This sequel novel has 55 chapters, with each chapter varying in word count from 600 to 2,000 words. This novel also has a prequel with seven chapters, averaging 1,500 words per chapter.

I'll review the prologue and Chapter One, not a problem. This whole exercise is for me to see if your work grabs me (the reader) from the start and holds me so that I continue to read. *^^*

 

[Eldoria]

I'll review the prologue and Chapter One, not a problem. This whole exercise is for me to see if your work grabs me (the reader) from the start and holds me so that I continue to read. *^^*

Then I recommend reading both the sequel and prequel prologues. The sequel prologue is very brief, only covering the protagonist's life after retiring as an executioner and raising her little daughter.

But the prequel prologue is a historical chronicle of the protagonist's life as he shakes the world as bloody executioner (Blood Rose Princess).

The two stories complement each other. I created a rhythm so readers can feel the protagonist's warmth with her litttle daughter is not cheap—her embrace of her in the sequel is the result of her bloody sacrifice to save the world in the prequel.

Prequel:

Blood Rose Princess: Her Last Mercy was Death - Vol 1 Chapter 1: Prologue – The Hero of the Rose Kingdom | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Sequel:

Blood Rose Princess Just Wants to Live in Peace with Her Little Daughter - Vol 1 Chapter 1: Prologue – An Executioner of Blood Who Became Mommy | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

I'll have all of your reviews in another day or so, okay? Hang in there. I didn't expect so many requests. ??

 

[myririad]

haihai ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡ if you still have room, then here's mine https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1655959/shadow-of-the-phantom-curse-bl/

 

[LeilaniOtter]

I'm curious too. What bug are you talking about? :)

And if you don't mind smut, my only novel - at the moment - is the one in my signature. Thank you!

---

The Red Blight

Sex is power. Sex is energy. In a world shattered by the Red Blight, this is the one truth the survivors cling to. The plague didn’t just kill. It left behind mindless Husks drawn to the last flickers of psychic life: the Dreamers. Humanity’s only defense is the...

www.scribblehub.com

Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading?

This is probably one of the most unusual pieces I’ve read so far, and the psychic and apocalyptic world you’ve built here is incredibly creative. I had to read the synopsis over a few times to get the hang of things, but once I did, I really did enjoy this! The flow of the story moves very well, despite the extended prologue, and paces just fine. From the start, I was enchanted with the process of taking Dreamers and awakening them through the power and energy of sex. It feels like this would make a fantastic sci-fi skin flick on Cinemax – or a fancier version of a Penthouse Matrix. Whatever it is, you really wove quite a concept!

Are the characters standing out?

It seems Seraphine is our MC, so I’m glad we’re focusing this on her. She’s young, a bit impetuous, and filled with lingering sadness for her lost friend, Rubine. I feel for her entirely, and want so much for better days for her. Of course, she gets to have sex anytime she’s in the mood so…life can’t be too bad!

Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next"?

Definitely. I’d like to know what Dreamers will be discovered next. Which raises one question: Is the Dreamer in chapter One at the beginning, the same one that Rubine lost her life over? If so, wouldn’t Seraphine harbor some ill will towards this Dreamer? Why would she be all that concerned about this particular Dreamer? Unless…he plays a large role later on, perhaps? If so, I’m curious how Seraphine will treat him once the awakening is complete. *^^* (Update: we already discussed this but I'm going to leave people guessing anyway!) *^^*

How is the pacing?

Very well done. Again, the prologues illustrated not only the passion of sex, but the terrible dangers of getting too close to the Blight’s power and losing control. It flows very well. Chapter One is more of an “intermission” after the horror of Rubine’s death, but also allows for more characters to shine, which I’d like to know more about too as I read.

How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?

I would say the world you’ve created, dark and hopeless it might be, still adds that tender spark of erotica that makes this really stand out. The whole concept is mind-blowing and effectively original.

Grammar/Spelling:

A few little bits of errors here and there, but nothing really major. Mostly grammar issues like “Kaelen gave her a nod” to “Kaelen nodded”, etc.

Strengths/Weaknesses:

Strengths:

Fantastic storytelling and pacing; good characters and dialogue; a firm grasp (hah! Pun!) of sexuality and pleasures; top notch world building

Weaknesses:

Honestly, you could have tossed in a little bit more sexy descriptions, but that’s purely personal choice! Take a little time to re-check for some common grammar mistakes.


Overall, a solid B++

 

[Roney]

Are the 20 slots taken already?

I have already gotten review from feedbackers like Yuin who helped alot in improving my writing. But if I have made it here on time do give it a read. Im always open to improving even further.

Strongest Mage in History

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Interesting! I'd love to receive an objective review, even if it's just the prologue. I've already asked several readers for their opinions, but the response has been overwhelmingly positive. That alone isn't enough to evaluate my novel. I'd be very grateful if you could help review it. Thank you. Best regards.

Sequel:

Blood Rose Princess Just Wants to Live in Peace with Her Little Daughter

What if the world chose to forget its saviour and its sins, while the saviour chose instead to protect her daughter’s innocence? Seven years ago, the age of tyranny was erased from the memory of mankind. Civilisation crumbled, the tyrants fell into an eternal sleep, and the victims woke...

www.scribblehub.com

Sure, I'll need a few days, okay? I'm catching up. *^^*

Are the 20 slots taken already?

I have already gotten review from feedbackers like Yuin who helped alot in improving my writing. But if I have made it here on time do give it a read. Im always open to improving even further.

Strongest Mage in History

Not quite, I think I have about 10-12 so far. I'll just need a few days okay? *^^* I'm going first come, first served.

 

[Eldoria]

Sure, I'll need a few days, okay? I'm catching up. *^^*

Not quite, I think I have about 10-12 so far. I'll just need a few days okay? *^^* I'm going first come, first served.

Please take your time, there's no need to rush. Thank you. Best regards

 

[velvetvertigo]

The Red Blight

Sex is power. Sex is energy. In a world shattered by the Red Blight, this is the one truth the survivors cling to. The plague didn’t just kill. It left behind mindless Husks drawn to the last flickers of psychic life: the Dreamers. Humanity’s only defense is the...

www.scribblehub.com

Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading?

This is probably one of the most unusual pieces I’ve read so far, and the psychic and apocalyptic world you’ve built here is incredibly creative. I had to read the synopsis over a few times to get the hang of things, but once I did, I really did enjoy this! The flow of the story moves very well, despite the extended prologue, and paces just fine. From the start, I was enchanted with the process of taking Dreamers and awakening them through the power and energy of sex. It feels like this would make a fantastic sci-fi skin flick on Cinemax – or a fancier version of a Penthouse Matrix. Whatever it is, you really wove quite a concept!

Are the characters standing out?

It seems Seraphine is our MC, so I’m glad we’re focusing this on her. She’s young, a bit impetuous, and filled with lingering sadness for her lost friend, Rubine. I feel for her entirely, and want so much for better days for her. Of course, she gets to have sex anytime she’s in the mood so…life can’t be too bad!

Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next"?

Definitely. I’d like to know what Dreamers will be discovered next. Which raises one question: Is the Dreamer in chapter One at the beginning, the same one that Rubine lost her life over? If so, wouldn’t Seraphine harbor some ill will towards this Dreamer? Why would she be all that concerned about this particular Dreamer? Unless…he plays a large role later on, perhaps? If so, I’m curious how Seraphine will treat him once the awakening is complete. *^^* (Update: we already discussed this but I'm going to leave people guessing anyway!) *^^*

How is the pacing?

Very well done. Again, the prologues illustrated not only the passion of sex, but the terrible dangers of getting too close to the Blight’s power and losing control. It flows very well. Chapter One is more of an “intermission” after the horror of Rubine’s death, but also allows for more characters to shine, which I’d like to know more about too as I read.

How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?

I would say the world you’ve created, dark and hopeless it might be, still adds that tender spark of erotica that makes this really stand out. The whole concept is mind-blowing and effectively original.

Grammar/Spelling:

A few little bits of errors here and there, but nothing really major. Mostly grammar issues like “Kaelen gave her a nod” to “Kaelen nodded”, etc.

Strengths/Weaknesses:

Strengths:

Fantastic storytelling and pacing; good characters and dialogue; a firm grasp (hah! Pun!) of sexuality and pleasures; top notch world building

Weaknesses:

Honestly, you could have tossed in a little bit more sexy descriptions, but that’s purely personal choice! Take a little time to re-check for some common grammar mistakes.


Overall, a solid B++

LeilaniOtter, thanks so so much for your words! As I told you privately, I honestly didn't know what to expect but I was open to any form of criticism or anything else, since this is the first review I'm receiving and it's thrilling to read your words in the forum.
Thank you again! I'm genuinely blown away by how much thought and care you put into your feedback. It means so much to me ùù!

I'm especially thrilled that you enjoyed the pacing and the strange-but-sexy apocalyptic world I've built. I really wanted to write something original, with endless potential (lol) but also with a real story behind it.

The Red Blight came to me during a moment of reflection, and from there I started working on the worldbuilding before thinking about the characters. I'm still working on it... it's becoming... huge!

But I can't say much more, especially about Sera, the newly awakened Dreamer, and everything that's coming next the first chapters you have read! I'd spoiler too much >_<'

Really thanks again. And wait for me via PM, I'm really enjoying Fifty Shades of Tan ùù

 

[LeilaniOtter]

LeilaniOtter, thanks so so much for your words! As I told you privately, I honestly didn't know what to expect but I was open to any form of criticism or anything else, since this is the first review I'm receiving and it's thrilling to read your words in the forum.
Thank you again! I'm genuinely blown away by how much thought and care you put into your feedback. It means so much to me ùù!

I'm just as blown away. Certainly one of the most innovative books I've come across - here or anywhere. ?

Really thanks again. And wait for me via PM, I'm really enjoying Fifty Shades of Tan ùù

Yay! I had a feeling you might. ? Looking forward to comments. (I deleted "Luana" and re-added it, on the hopes maybe that might kick-start the series again and make it visible this time) We'll see.
Update: No, it made no difference at all. Still not seen on a search. Okay, slightly miffed now.