Nononono i totally get it.
Your IQ logical part of your brain thinks : why am i like that? why do i think this kind of stupidity?
Its normal.
Well not really. But more like : its NOT your fault.
Its just the bs 90% uncontrollable subconscious part of brain (cough lucy movie)
everyone dislike but i guess from y wording, its "a big dislike" =/
Anyway its "inevitable" and i bet your brain keep reminding you of "incoming operation"
especially as its something you hate.
+"i wish i didnt need to do this"
I bet my words, has only 50% efficiency bc mind is muddled. or...
yep i think i can picture your thinking. (happened to me too, sometimes)
(and i bet there is a medical term for it too)
just "DONT. THINK"
or go brainrot mode.
try new stuff.
or click the website i found. Full of GOLDEN ERA OLD CNs ERA !
After reading a novel, then operation come.
And your brain is SOOOOO occupied by the books, you will think : "goddamn i cant die or i hope it finish soon so i can read back soon"
(and the more brain focus on pain, the...
The sole flaw that isnt a flaw, is that people would joke (amicably)
"Elijah do you remember the time you were scared and wrote a last will posts?"
and you will blush.
But for "current you" its far more useful than "future suffering, that is just cringiness"
ps : mental also help for recovery...
After you wrote a bunch of stuff here in a last-will kinda version.
You will feel far more "light hearted" and less "stressed"
mostly bc i guess, you prepared yourself.
And the brain understand subconsciously : I did everything i could.
(like preparation for marathon)
At worst.
Just talk in profile posts (not just this one) and tell your whole life, like some kind of monologue
or last-letter in case you die. (forgot the word for it. oh, last will? i think)
Releashing what is weighing on your heart could help you become calmer.
or basically, its like telling...
Distracting yourself = running.
Like trauma or phobia.
And well, as you are a person knowledgeable (especially more on health), you already know that to cure them = confront them.
welp..... same thing.
Heck, i dont know, try finding a old but enjoyable videogame you played and do it now.
At worse, open minesweeper, or tetris, or the space-themed ball game, that windows systems have(had?).
Info.
Mental state can influence heavily "operations". Especially the craving to "live".
Its kinda shitted on that "padmé died after the birthing bc giving up", and/or in CNs you see the trope of old people dying after their wish is realised "should have died long ago but tenacity kept them...
I found a old website hosting crappy-faceslaps, sure, but most importantly, the giga high quality old novels early on.
Seeing "History strongest husband" (top2 fav, NU, where MC use nukes, and far superior than Reverend Insanity) occupying a top slot like it did in uukanshu, make me smile.
Im a trash can that is full of good stuff.
Useful for society and helping others.
(but bad reputation/image)
Sounds quite a correct analogy to be honest. :unsure: ?:meowsip: