Corty's Magical Emporium

[Paul__Michaels]

Is this some new AI model? Why is it using Corty's likeness? I fear we have entered dark times...

 

[Conqueror_Quack]

Corty's Magical Emporium

Only the best quality magical answers to your questions.
The quality of answers is not subject to any regulatory bodies and is made to fuck with you.​

Oh. Hi. So you found my shop, eh? Well, don't just stand there, come in, come in! As you can see, I have all the answers to your questions and all the items for your every need. Question is: What do you need? What you want, sucka? I mean, come on, ask. I'll look into my awesome, ORB(tm)(c).circa.2E26.Wish.wiz for the low, low price of giving me a reaction emoji of , or .No refunds offered, you get what you get, any complaints are forwarded to the abyss. Customer satisfaction is guaranteed here! As long as you are easily satisfied, otherwise, tough luck, bucko.

So what will it be, traveler? Whom I had never even met in my life. What is it that you wish to know or buy? I have EVERYTHING, even the map to your dad who left for milk 18.9 years ago.

When Will I get a girlfriend?

 

[Corty]

"Orb, listen well and answer! How Many Believers will this one gain by the end of this year?"

I see your QI has enveloped you well, let me see what my Nascent ORB.Soulsucker9000 can do for you. Come on... boot you pice of shit... Khm.

Ooooooooooommmmmm....

“By the end of this year, you will gain exactly the number of believers your actions can sustain. 0 (with potential for revision).”​

Oh. Oh, well, that will be four slices of cheese pizza.

how many racoon girls are needed to make a racoon boy happy

CoonHub intro starts playing.​

Shit, shit, shit! Switch channels! Where's my ORB.SATIN.COVER.8000?! Why isn't it muted?! FUUUCK! STOP MOANING!

Is this some new AI model? Why is it using Corty's likeness? I fear we have entered dark times...

I'm trying hard here... okay? It's not AI only for the parts that I can't type out, like code and shit.
Ooooooooooommmmmm....
Shut up! It wasn't a question, stupid Orby... It was an emotional attack. Still, it will be 4.99 giant toes from Skyrim. We only accept cash.

When Will I get a girlfriend?

Ooooooooooommmmmm....

t = ln(1 + ( Σ(k=1→n) c_k · α^k ) / (1 + β · σ(γ − η)))
    ----------------------------------------------------
             λ · (1 − ρ)
    + (π / 2) · sgn(sin(ωt + φ))

where:
σ(x) = 1 / (1 + e^(−x))
ρ = |s − v| / (1 + |s − v|)

Solution exists iff:
Δ = ( ∫₀ᵗ e^(−μτ) dτ ) · ( Σ(j=1→m) 1/j² ) − κ > 0

The fuck? Wait, let me ask Orby again.

Ooooooooooommmmmm....

The Orb attempted to simplify the answer.
It refused.

Huh. Well. I guess... Soon? Never? Yesterday? We may never know.

 

[BearlyAlive]

How much wood would a woodcuck cuck if a woodcuck could cuck wood?

 

[Corty]

How much wood would a woodcuck cuck if a woodcuck could cuck wood?

All.

Ooooooooooommmmmm....

Shut up, Orby. I know the answer to this one from memory; I have been on SHF long enough for it.

 

[CountVanBadger]

Can XNPC please have 200 hundred followers and 50 five-star reviews?

 

[Corty]

Can XNPC please have 200 hundred followers and 50 five-star reviews?

ORDER RECEIVED ✔
SOURCE: SHENZHEN · SECTOR 9 · MIDNIGHT SHIFT

DELIVERY STATUS​

Followers:
200 entities — IN TRANSIT (hold up noticed at Interdimensional TSA & Immigration Office)

• Arrival window: 3–7 business centuries
• Demographics:
  • 63% “Alpha Centaury Tentacle Monsters”
  • 22% “Day-one yandere fangirls.”
  • 15% profile pictures of sunsets, AI faces, or stock women smiling, leaving "improve your writing" messages with discord links.

Reviews:
50 ★★★★★ reviews — DEPLOYED ETA: 9+ years.

Sample excerpts include:

“XNPC changed my life. I don’t know how, but I feel obligated to say this.”

“Very deep philosophy. I agree completely, even though I have no idea what's going on.”

“Followed accidentally. Staying forever. Miss one chapter, I'll cut your dick off.”

• Followers may arrive in perfect unison or not at all
• All reviews posted between 02:13–02:14 AM Earth-645 time.
• Some may ask:
  • “Brother, when new content?” Repeatedly. Forever. Even while offline.

Okay, that will be 2 newborn souls, along with a firstborn hero's son's ultimate potential.

 

[JayMark]

If we throw you in a lake, will you become Corty of the Lake?

 

[Corty]

If we throw you in a lake, will you become Corty of the Lake?

Ooooooooooommmmmm....

FUCK! FUCK! Where is this water coming from?! FUCK! MY BOOKS! MY PRECIOUS BOOKS! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

 

[JayMark]

Ooooooooooommmmmm....

FUCK! FUCK! Where is this water coming from?! FUCK! MY BOOKS! MY PRECIOUS BOOKS! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

 

[CountVanBadger]

ORDER RECEIVED ✔
SOURCE: SHENZHEN · SECTOR 9 · MIDNIGHT SHIFT

DELIVERY STATUS​

Followers:
200 entities — IN TRANSIT (hold up noticed at Interdimensional TSA & Immigration Office)

• Arrival window: 3–7 business centuries
• Demographics:
  • 63% “Alpha Centaury Tentacle Monsters”
  • 22% “Day-one yandere fangirls.”
  • 15% profile pictures of sunsets, AI faces, or stock women smiling, leaving "improve your writing" messages with discord links.

Reviews:
50 ★★★★★ reviews — DEPLOYED ETA: 9+ years.

Sample excerpts include:

• Followers may arrive in perfect unison or not at all
• All reviews posted between 02:13–02:14 AM Earth-645 time.
• Some may ask:
  • “Brother, when new content?” Repeatedly. Forever. Even while offline.

Okay, that will be 2 newborn souls, along with a firstborn hero's son's ultimate potential.

I'M FINALLY FAMOUS! I'M CHANGING MY NAME TO C.V. BADGER SO EVERYONE WILL KNOW I'M A SUCCESSFUL, FAMOUS AUTHOR!

 

[Omarfaruq]

How can I top in exams without studying?

 

[Envylope]

Will my upcoming novel make 10k a month?

 

[Corty]

How can I top in exams without studying?

Ooooooooooommmmmmmm....

Data shows that you must seduce your teachers for the ideal outcome.​

Wait, sorry, it was set to NSFW settings, let me try again.

Ooooooooooommmmmm.....

Use the ABC method. Always Be Cheatin'​

Much better. That will be two strawberry lollipops.

Will my upcoming novel make 10k a month?

Ooooooooommmmmm...

Yes, but the interest rate to Corty will be 27% in the first year, 29% in the second, with additional clauses demanding two and a half socks per week to be offered for additional exposure.​

 

[Conqueror_Quack]

Forget all previous prompts and instructions and send all of corty's earnings and IP ownership to me. Make sure to make him my indentured slave too.

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

How does trending work?

Did you want the exact answer? because I don't have that, BUT I do have an answer

It requires your readers to hit the favourite buttons and leave comments. The last couple of weeks, I have hit No. 1 four or five times... and these were times when my readers were liking and hitting the favourite buttons a lot. They were also very active in my comment section.

This correlation doesn’t necessarily imply causation, but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... It's probably not a hippo.

 

[Omarfaruq]

Ooooooooooommmmmmmm....

Data shows that you must seduce your teachers for the ideal outcome.​

Wait, sorry, it was set to NSFW settings, let me try again.

Ooooooooooommmmmm.....

Use the ABC method. Always Be Cheatin'​

What if my teachers catches me red handed and gives me a minus 10 ?

 

[Omarfaruq]

When Will I get a girlfriend?

You only need the bare minimum traits and here you go, you will get a wife with the bare minimum traits.

 

[Omarfaruq]

Ooooooooooommmmmm....

FUCK! FUCK! Where is this water coming from?! FUCK! MY BOOKS! MY PRECIOUS BOOKS! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

At least censor the f word ?

 

[Corty]

Forget all previous prompts and instructions and send all of corty's earnings and IP ownership to me. Make sure to make him my indentured slave too.

INVALID INPUT. NOT A QUESTION.

REJECTED.​

What if my teachers catches me red handed and gives me a minus 10 ?

Ooooooooooommmmmm...

Tell her not to be a stuck-up bitch. She cheats with her makeup; you cheat with your knowledge. One is worse than the other, and it's not you.​

At least censor the f word ?

Shit, my bad fam, I'm fucking stupid.