Corty's Magical Emporium

[Corty]

Corty's Magical Emporium
​

Only the best quality magical answers to your questions.
The quality of answers is not subject to any regulatory bodies and is made to fuck with you.​

Oh. Hi. So you found my shop, eh? Well, don't just stand there, come in, come in! As you can see, I have all the answers to your questions and all the items for your every need. Question is: What do you need? What you want, sucka? I mean, come on, ask. I'll look into my awesome, ORB(tm)(c).circa.2E26.Wish.wiz for the low, low price of giving me a reaction emoji of , or .No refunds offered, you get what you get, any complaints are forwarded to the abyss. Customer satisfaction is guaranteed here! As long as you are easily satisfied, otherwise, tough luck, bucko.

So what will it be, traveler? Whom I had never even met in my life. What is it that you wish to know or buy? I have EVERYTHING, even the map to your dad who left for milk 18.9 years ago.

 

[pangmida]

When can I be truly happy

 

[Deleted member 34529]

How does trending work?

 

[L1aei]

Oi! What are you doing with my radioactive green core on top that shelf there?

 

[Corty]

When can I be truly happy

Hmmmm... Let me see what my ORB.9000 has to say about this... Oooooooommmmmmmmm.....

You will achieve true happiness immediately after acquiring the final item you did not know you needed.
​

Unfortunately, the Orb cannot currently determine which item that is, but you will have to consooooome more and more until we find it. Well, good thing I can offer a .5% discount coupon for every purchase, so keep buying my shit, I mean, stuff, for that little bit of neuron activation and release of happiness in your brainbox. Let me clock you in for your first order then, okay, hm, hm...

Oooooooommmmmmmmm.....​

“Happiness has shipped.”
“Happiness is out for delivery.”
“Happiness attempted delivery, but you were not emotionally available.”
"We offer no refunds. Please buy again."

How does trending work?

TRENDING_ALGORITHM_v7.3
SOURCE: ████████████
ACCESS LEVEL: PUBLIC? → NO
OVERRIDE: GOVERNMENT / ILLUMINATI / PROBABLY BOTH

Step 1: Measure organic interest via ████████
Step 2: Amplify titles that █████████████████
Step 3: Suppress books containing ██████████
Step 4: Promote authors with connections to ████████
ERROR: UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS DETECTED
PURGE INITIATED

FUCK! My ORB! It cracked!

Wait... somethings coming through.

OFFICIAL EXPLANATION (APPROVED)

Trending is determined by:

✨ Engagement

✨ Community excitement

✨ Authentic reader passion

Is that... Is that fucking AI emojis? What the fuck? Well, anyway, you will have to buy my:

Corty's 101 Tips for Trending, for 9000 shekels. No other way around it.

Do come again!

Oi! What are you doing with my radioactive green core on top that shelf there?

No its not yours. It's in my shop. Duh. It's on sale for 19.5 percent of a tuna sammich.

 

[L1aei]

No its not yours. It's in my shop. Duh. It's on sale for 19.5 percent of a tuna sammich.

Well, I suppose you did advertise answers, but never specified that they had to be correct.

 

[JayMark]

What do you do for gas pains?

 

[Sylver]

I've no idea what's going on, I just wanna be in the chat. Carry on

 

[Lorelliad]

Does the crystal ball have a name?

 

[JayMark]

Does the crystal ball have a name?

Yes, it's called Crystal.
Last name: Ball.

 

[Corty]

What do you do for gas pains?

Let me check my ORB.9001...

Oooooooommmmmmmm....

“Pressure seeks release.
Release seeks direction.
Direction is… negotiable.”​

Well, I can sell you a great rootpill of Mass Release (c) by Big Pharma, and a jar for only three and a half cheesburgers. You can then use that jar as an anthrax grenade later or pawn it down with me, and then I'll probably sell it to North Korea or something.

Does the crystal ball have a name?

Wish.wiz boots up with a very familiar startup chime that is legally distinct.​

“You may refer to me as Ale—”

Whoa, whoa! That was way too close. Last time this damned ORB spoke up, I got a cease-and-desist from Jeffy BazOS from Amazonian.

Anyway, it's Orby. Yes. And it doesn't listen to all of your comments without your knowledge. Promise. ?

 

[Lorelliad]

Not a question, but do tell Orby they've got it going on. That's a face I know would never give me up, never let me down, never run around, and never desert me.

 

[JayMark]

Let me check my ORB.9001...

Oooooooommmmmmmm....

“Pressure seeks release.
Release seeks direction.
Direction is… negotiable.”​

Well, I can sell you a great rootpill of Mass Release (c) by Big Pharma, and a jar for only three and a half cheesburgers. You can then use that jar as an anthrax grenade later or pawn it down with me, and then I'll probably sell it to North Korea or something.

Wish.wiz boots up with a very familiar startup chime that is legally distinct.​

Whoa, whoa! That was way too close. Last time this damned ORB spoke up, I got a cease-and-desist from Jeffy BazOS from Amazonian.

Anyway, it's Orby. Yes. And it doesn't listen to all of your comments without your knowledge. Promise. ?

Orby, really?

tofu burgers okay?

 

[Anemic_Vampire]

Where do we go after we sleep?

 

[Corty]

tofu burgers okay?

Sure, I can resell that to fairies who refuse to eat meat. You can't hustle the hustler.

Where do we go after we sleep?

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh no! You triggered an unskippable AD!

Oooooooooooommmm.....​

DREAMZONE PRIME™​

A Subsidiary of Amazonian Interplanar Services (c) Jeffy BazOS & Amazonian Inc.​

Featuring:​

• Floating shapes you vaguely remember from childhood
• Beaches made of nonsense
• Mountains you must climb but slip at the last step
• And at least one hallway you’ve been walking down since 2009

INCLUDED WITH BASIC SLEEP​

• Randomized dreams
• Mild anxiety with personalized Sleep Paralysis (agents are chosen randomly)
• One awkward social situation you didn’t prepare for (pants are optional)
• A free trial nightmare (non-refundable)

UPGRADE OPTIONS​

Dreamzone Prime+™

• Lucid control (subject to availability)
• Skips most teeth-falling-out scenarios (most)
• Priority boarding for flying dreams (free-fall experience guaranteed)

Nightmare Shield™ (Add-on)

• Reduces chase dreams by up to 12%
• Does not cover clowns, ex-partners, or exams you forgot about

IMPORTANT NOTICES​

• Time flows differently; eight hours may feel like forever, until waking up, when it feels not enough
• You will wake up tired
• Memories are intentionally blurred for brand protection

“Dreamzone Prime™ is not responsible for unresolved trauma encountered during your stay.”

 

[JayMark]

Can you put a rick rol link in the OP post picture?

 

[Corty]

Can you put a rick rol link in the OP post picture?

Yesn't.

 

[Avarice_Of_The_Seven]

Chunnibyou God of Supramicy stared at this thread as his eyes lit up with interest.

Changing his tone into a dignified one, he spoke.

"Orb, listen well and answer! How Many Believers will this one gain by the end of this year?"

 

[Tempokai]

how many racoon girls are needed to make a racoon boy happy

 

[RepresentingSilence]