Webnovel Feedback Roasts For the Fearless

[Tempokai]

I'll writing this to tie off some loose ends before the proper roast.

can you tell me if i should change something or make it more better https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1654013/beckoned-from-the-brink-of-another-world/

All I can say that the dude tried to do something without The Butler at first, had a small following and critique, used The Butler too much and then failed to continue, ultimately abandoning the profile. He pasted those three generic AI generated images everywhere in this forum when he wanted to show them off, which irritated me when I needed to go up and down the page 20 of this thread. If you want to see them being overused, here's a [LINK], which is total bruh, 80% length of that thread are the images lmao. He had a rebrand few weeks later, after uploading FIVE chapters. With some googling I found only the first chapter of the "before rebrand" story, that (aka Beckoned), and it was bad, but not as bad as "rebrand" version of the story (aka Throne), which is left in RR intact. All I can say that it had typical amateur mistakes of not knowing how to generate interest towards the plot. Synopsis is pure The Butler. Everything is generic enough for me to rhetorically generalize BECAUSE it's that forgettable.

Alright, please read my novel! I am ready to face any harsh criticism!

Everyone Was Sent to the Survival Islands

[This story has a slow plot!] Ren, an ordinary young man who enjoys playing survival and RPG games, lives a life full of routine and virtual challenges. But his life changes drastically when suddenly all of humanity is transported to a new world—a cluster of small islands in the...

www.scribblehub.com

View attachment 39562

The only surviving evidence that this story existed is in this screenshot and 4 chapters in purrfiction website that probably didn't have deleting webnovels function, because there's nothing left on that profile. I saw this profile a while ago and thought this user was a translator, because of using CN names and using CN apocalypse tropes, scattered around 4 or 5 webnovels. I found roughly from which stories those tropes had come from, but with different MC names. But, it wasn't a TL case, more likely a CN plagiarism case, written in their own style. I can't say for certain, because ideas are cheap in this Webnovel Realm. I remember finding exactly this premise and progression in the Finding Translations thread and this was the second rendition after the first was taken down. Changing MC's name to Ren while having the same name as original CN title was stupid, and there's nothing I could do because it wasn't technically a translation, which begs the question, why this and every other title was deleted? I don't know, but given the circumstances, I can deduce that this user in question wanted to train both the CN to EN translation and the webnovel storytelling aspect. I can't tell if it was good or bad, but those 4 chapters in that website (not SH) were completely fine, readable even, but I can't attribute anything towards the user, because of heavy plagiarism that I saw. Meh.

Like with my previous story, I originally posted this stuff on SpaceBattles and QuestionableQuesting. Given how QQ is an NSFW forum I'll post the SFW link to SB: https://forums.spacebattles.com/thr...-tracts-of-land-cyberpunk-edgerunner.1228307/

On it, as you can see, I have 870 watchers (essentially subscribers who'll get an update whenever I release a new chapter) and the first chapter have over 300 likes.

Could I trouble you to criticise me on something other than 'Fanfiction exists to scratch an itch'? Based on the 870 watchers on SB, it clearly does scratch an itch. Also, the story is based on a female with an endgame Adam Smasher-like build in Cyberpunk 2077 being isekai into Edgerunner, not actual Adam Smasher with a massive chest. The main hook is based on a Gamer system where the Gamer has trouble differentiating real people with those of the games, as in she thinks real people are like NPCs and the hilarity and horror that comes with such a mindset.

I really did take your previous criticism to heart with regards to the pathos, ethos, etc. I even have the cultivation storywriting chapter you posted bookmarked so I could refer back to that whenever I need it. If possible, I would like it if you could criticise me based on those three aspects, to see how well I wielded it.

That criticism was completely half-hearted because I saw that there was ZERO traction in SH. Meh, sorry. I don't like SI that much, being basically burned by them a lot. All I can say is that besides being an asshole is that it completely serves its function as a SI fanfic, after reading deeper, but I didn't play or watched Cyberpunk (lmao) at all to fully enjoy what's written. I know only surface things from that franchise and using rhetorical techniques to hide that fact would've been disingenuous from me. For a casual read, it's completely fine, but given my context, but I don't see the value for me to suffer through the analysis of a thing I don't want to care about that much, paired with that atrocious first impression weeks ago. Where I left last time in SH was the maximum I could enjoy it, so if others are enjoying elsewhere, so be it.

 

[VenerableOne]

I need affirmation and hate criticism so please dont hold back https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1850054/cultivating-heavenly-poisons/

 

[CharlesEBrown]

I need affirmation and hate criticism so please dont hold back https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1850054/cultivating-heavenly-poisons/

Uhh... you HAVE followed this thread right? Even the one 90% positive roast got some criticism... and only about 1/3 get affirmation...

 

[VenerableOne]

Uhh... you HAVE followed this thread right? Even the one 90% positive roast got some criticism... and only about 1/3 get affirmation...

Yes exactly, cant get better focusing only on my strengths!

 

[Anonjohn20]

Once upon a time there was a legendary roaster...

 

[MagdalenaForsberg]

Alright, folks—my chapters are officially ready to be roasted. ??

I’ve got my tissues on standby for the inevitable tears, and my ego is prepped for a much-needed crash-landing back to Earth. ?

The Baroness’s Secrets

Agar is a teen spy on the planet Tentak. His mission: infiltrate Baroness Inka’s glossy mansion. His disguise: an abandoned baby. What could go wrong? With humor, suspense, and a dash of cosmic weirdness, The Baroness’s Secrets blends science fiction, satire, and adventure. Perfect for readers...

www.scribblehub.com

Bring on the brutal honesty—I can take it!

 

[Anonjohn20]

*pokes thread with a stick*

 

[Worthy39]

*pokes thread with a stick*

How many pokes does it take to get to the center of a threadsie roll pop? (If nobody gets this... just toss me off a cliff and let me die of embarrassment)

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

How many pokes does it take to get to the center of a threadsie roll pop? (If nobody gets this... just toss me off a cliff and let me die of embarrassment)

The question of how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop remains a mystery. While the classic answer from the Tootsie Pop commercial suggests it takes three licks, scientific studies have shown that it takes significantly more. For instance, a study by Purdue University found it took an average of 364 licks, while another study by the University of Michigan concluded it took 411 licks to reach the center. The exact number may vary based on individual factors and the method used to measure the licks.

 

[Anonjohn20]

The question of how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop remains a mystery. While the classic answer from the Tootsie Pop commercial suggests it takes three licks, scientific studies have shown that it takes significantly more. For instance, a study by Purdue University found it took an average of 364 licks, while another study by the University of Michigan concluded it took 411 licks to reach the center. The exact number may vary based on individual factors and the method used to measure the licks.

The people at Purdue are simply more talented with their tongues.

 

[pangmida]

The people at Purdue are simply more talented with their tongues.

On an unrelated note… know any friends from Purdue? (I’m sorry)

 

[Tempokai]

Moo... only because I said I would a long time ago.

I'm highly defensive about this series and have already taken a lot of abuse because of it.
I don't erase my comments, there's a robust record.

Sorry, The Only Power Left Is Alteration.

Circe is transported to Azoria's world to play a power progression game with a thousand other selected contestants. Unfortunately, her only power is a single highly limited alteration spell. All her other stats besides magic aptitude are permanently locked at their starter levels. Yet Circe...

www.scribblehub.com

So, I'm just going to quietly drop *not dropping the series because its my one allowed passion project* this here.

Maybe I can gain some insights for readthrough and overhaul I'm planning at chapter 100.

Moo...

You know, as I read through your webnovel that I've been keeping in the tabs for two weeks, I had a revelation—a real, soul-rattling epiphany: this is the most okay webnovel opening I have ever read. Congratulations, you’ve climbed the jagged cliffs of mediocrity and planted your flag dead-center on the summit. If there were a prize for “Best in Show, If The Show Was Called ‘Eh, It’s Fine’,” you’d be running uncontested.

Let’s get one thing straight, you clearly know your way around the genre, that “slow burn, weak-to-strong, everyone dies at the end, let’s watch traumatized extras eat each other in a glowing cave” trope parade? Hundred percent nailed it. There’s a reason this blueprint kept getting recycled in every Japanese webnovel from here to the heat death of the universe: it works. It works like an old refrigerator, you know the type, noisy, occasionally leaks emotional coolant, but still manages to keep the psychological cold cuts from going bad before the big reveal. I respect it. But my god, you have cooked this pacing until it’s indistinguishable from a slow-cooked brisket left out in the rain.

You took “withholding the main story for later” to such an extreme, I’m starting to think you have a personal vendetta against plot. Chapter one? Circe’s living a fever-dream of rent, regret, and loan sharks, with just enough misery to fill a Brooklyn basement. Nice. Chapter two? Welcome to Cavecon 2024, featuring every flavor of nervous breakdown people would have in that situation and zero flavor of actual game mechanics. Chapter three? Tension and cannibalism. Maybe. Finally, chapter four comes in with the emotional sledgehammer, and for a second I think, “Okay, maybe now we’re getting somewhere.” But no, you drop in a flying phonk bull named Mogg-dell Beef Ear Pie and shout, “STATS INCOMING!” like it’s a timeshare pitch on a cruise ship. The stats never arrive. Sure, they're at chapter 5 with all their glory, but I am still waiting them at chapter 4. The cliffhanger is so immense that I applaud for following the thing proper storytellers do in their pasttime.

Here’s the rub: you do character chaos better than most in this longpost of roasts. That first, jarring stretch in the cave, all those micro-factions and blood puddles? Good stuff. The characters feel real enough for me, Circe isn’t a cardboard cutout, and Alfredo, god bless his artery-clogged heart, manages to rise above his discount mobster template to become an actual person. You even let these people have doubts, regrets, and actual breakdowns, instead of just tossing out power-ups and internal monologues about how they’re “different from other girls.” The characterization is what’s keeping this story from joining the other 4,326 webnovel corpses floating down the isekai river.

But, let’s talk about pacing. You wielded it like a sledgehammer with two handles and no head. I have seen tectonic plates move with more urgency. Your story clearly believes in the power of the slow burn—so much so, you could moonlight as a tortoise therapist. The narrative is so glacial, I could track the melting of the polar ice caps between major plot events. I yawned so hard by chapter three, I almost got lockjaw. You could have handed out the alteration gimmick as a party favor in the time it took for a single stat to materialize. Instead, every chapter is a new exercise in literary edging. It’s almost impressive. Almost.

And then, there’s the ratio of new information to word count. You seem to believe every micro-expression, every interior monologue, and every minor shift in crowd dynamics deserves its own paragraph, annotated, indexed, and displayed in the Louvre. Listen, show-don’t-tell is great until you use it as a bludgeon. Sometimes, you need to tell. Sometimes, you need to say, “Hey, Circe’s anxious. Alfredo’s gross but sweet. Here’s a stat screen. Moving on.” There’s only so much atmospheric detail a reader can take before we start counting ceiling cracks and googling the symptoms of literary dehydration. And don’t give me “but it’s first-person, I have to show her inner world!” That’s what subtext is for. Let us do a little work, trust the reader, drop a few clues. Stop handholding and start storytelling better.

I’ll give you this: when you finally get to the pathos in chapters three and four, it mostly works. The funeral vision? Brutal. The dreamlike parental goodbyes? Emotional gut punch. Circe’s inability to change her fate? Genuinely effective. But, and it’s a big but (not unlike Alfredo’s), it’s all weighed down by confusion. The stakes are muddy, the goals unclear, and I have to piece together the game’s premise like a crossword puzzle written by a sleep-deprived Dungeon Master. Sure, maybe you'll explain further down the chapters, but when treating these 4 chapters as is, the information given is too low for me to justify speculating what that game really is.

Let’s not ignore the formatting sins. Listen, nobody expects perfection in webnovel world, but if I have to reread a sentence three times to figure out where the subject went, that’s on you. There are grammar checkers. There are friendly butlers who moonlight as AI, even though they're just word generators. Hell, even a quick pass with your phone’s autocorrect would clean up some of the stray commas and sentence fragments rolling around like tumbleweeds. There’s nothing charming about literary potholes, and it just gives the story that extra whiff of “almost there, but not quite.” It’s like showing up to a job interview in a suit with mustard stains. Sure, I’ll remember you—but probably not for the reason you want.

Ethos, though? You got it. The narrator voice is believable and consistent. You don’t waste my time pretending this is the next great epic. You know the clichés, you wear them like a badge, and you don’t try to gaslight the reader into thinking you’ve revolutionized the genre. That honesty counts for something, especially in a landscape littered with stories that promise “never-seen-before” and deliver nothing but regurgitated tropes in new hats. So yes, you’re already in a higher league than the LLM scribblers and “first novel ever, please be nice” crowd.

So, here’s your gold star: you’re okay. For this subgenre, that’s high praise—damning praise, maybe, but praise all the same. Keep the characterization sharp, fix the pacing, stop hoarding your game mechanics like a dragon squatting on PowerPoint slides (at least for opening chapters), and slap your prose through a some processor once in a while to get rid of grenmar eerors. Who knows? You might claw your way up from “okay” to “good” before you die a second, third, or fourth time in your own fiction.

What I can say that the story suffers from lack of presentation in the synopsis. By changing at least the font in the cover you'd make it more persuasive to read. That one paragraph summary in the synopsis is okay for now, but given 80+ chapters being written, you probably have a better synopsis in your mind. I'd say it's generic enough to become lost in the sea of similar stories, so make it more visible. That's all.

 

[Anonjohn20]

You know, as I read through your webnovel that I've been keeping in the tabs for two weeks, I had a revelation—a real, soul-rattling epiphany: this is the most okay webnovel opening I have ever read. Congratulations, you’ve climbed the jagged cliffs of mediocrity and planted your flag dead-center on the summit. If there were a prize for “Best in Show, If The Show Was Called ‘Eh, It’s Fine’,” you’d be running uncontested.

Let’s get one thing straight, you clearly know your way around the genre, that “slow burn, weak-to-strong, everyone dies at the end, let’s watch traumatized extras eat each other in a glowing cave” trope parade? Hundred percent nailed it. There’s a reason this blueprint kept getting recycled in every Japanese webnovel from here to the heat death of the universe: it works. It works like an old refrigerator, you know the type, noisy, occasionally leaks emotional coolant, but still manages to keep the psychological cold cuts from going bad before the big reveal. I respect it. But my god, you have cooked this pacing until it’s indistinguishable from a slow-cooked brisket left out in the rain.

You took “withholding the main story for later” to such an extreme, I’m starting to think you have a personal vendetta against plot. Chapter one? Circe’s living a fever-dream of rent, regret, and loan sharks, with just enough misery to fill a Brooklyn basement. Nice. Chapter two? Welcome to Cavecon 2024, featuring every flavor of nervous breakdown people would have in that situation and zero flavor of actual game mechanics. Chapter three? Tension and cannibalism. Maybe. Finally, chapter four comes in with the emotional sledgehammer, and for a second I think, “Okay, maybe now we’re getting somewhere.” But no, you drop in a flying phonk bull named Mogg-dell Beef Ear Pie and shout, “STATS INCOMING!” like it’s a timeshare pitch on a cruise ship. The stats never arrive. Sure, they're at chapter 5 with all their glory, but I am still waiting them at chapter 4. The cliffhanger is so immense that I applaud for following the thing proper storytellers do in their pasttime.

Here’s the rub: you do character chaos better than most in this longpost of roasts. That first, jarring stretch in the cave, all those micro-factions and blood puddles? Good stuff. The characters feel real enough for me, Circe isn’t a cardboard cutout, and Alfredo, god bless his artery-clogged heart, manages to rise above his discount mobster template to become an actual person. You even let these people have doubts, regrets, and actual breakdowns, instead of just tossing out power-ups and internal monologues about how they’re “different from other girls.” The characterization is what’s keeping this story from joining the other 4,326 webnovel corpses floating down the isekai river.

But, let’s talk about pacing. You wielded it like a sledgehammer with two handles and no head. I have seen tectonic plates move with more urgency. Your story clearly believes in the power of the slow burn—so much so, you could moonlight as a tortoise therapist. The narrative is so glacial, I could track the melting of the polar ice caps between major plot events. I yawned so hard by chapter three, I almost got lockjaw. You could have handed out the alteration gimmick as a party favor in the time it took for a single stat to materialize. Instead, every chapter is a new exercise in literary edging. It’s almost impressive. Almost.

And then, there’s the ratio of new information to word count. You seem to believe every micro-expression, every interior monologue, and every minor shift in crowd dynamics deserves its own paragraph, annotated, indexed, and displayed in the Louvre. Listen, show-don’t-tell is great until you use it as a bludgeon. Sometimes, you need to tell. Sometimes, you need to say, “Hey, Circe’s anxious. Alfredo’s gross but sweet. Here’s a stat screen. Moving on.” There’s only so much atmospheric detail a reader can take before we start counting ceiling cracks and googling the symptoms of literary dehydration. And don’t give me “but it’s first-person, I have to show her inner world!” That’s what subtext is for. Let us do a little work, trust the reader, drop a few clues. Stop handholding and start storytelling better.

I’ll give you this: when you finally get to the pathos in chapters three and four, it mostly works. The funeral vision? Brutal. The dreamlike parental goodbyes? Emotional gut punch. Circe’s inability to change her fate? Genuinely effective. But, and it’s a big but (not unlike Alfredo’s), it’s all weighed down by confusion. The stakes are muddy, the goals unclear, and I have to piece together the game’s premise like a crossword puzzle written by a sleep-deprived Dungeon Master. Sure, maybe you'll explain further down the chapters, but when treating these 4 chapters as is, the information given is too low for me to justify speculating what that game really is.

Let’s not ignore the formatting sins. Listen, nobody expects perfection in webnovel world, but if I have to reread a sentence three times to figure out where the subject went, that’s on you. There are grammar checkers. There are friendly butlers who moonlight as AI, even though they're just word generators. Hell, even a quick pass with your phone’s autocorrect would clean up some of the stray commas and sentence fragments rolling around like tumbleweeds. There’s nothing charming about literary potholes, and it just gives the story that extra whiff of “almost there, but not quite.” It’s like showing up to a job interview in a suit with mustard stains. Sure, I’ll remember you—but probably not for the reason you want.

Ethos, though? You got it. The narrator voice is believable and consistent. You don’t waste my time pretending this is the next great epic. You know the clichés, you wear them like a badge, and you don’t try to gaslight the reader into thinking you’ve revolutionized the genre. That honesty counts for something, especially in a landscape littered with stories that promise “never-seen-before” and deliver nothing but regurgitated tropes in new hats. So yes, you’re already in a higher league than the LLM scribblers and “first novel ever, please be nice” crowd.

So, here’s your gold star: you’re okay. For this subgenre, that’s high praise—damning praise, maybe, but praise all the same. Keep the characterization sharp, fix the pacing, stop hoarding your game mechanics like a dragon squatting on PowerPoint slides (at least for opening chapters), and slap your prose through a some processor once in a while to get rid of grenmar eerors. Who knows? You might claw your way up from “okay” to “good” before you die a second, third, or fourth time in your own fiction.

What I can say that the story suffers from lack of presentation in the synopsis. By changing at least the font in the cover you'd make it more persuasive to read. That one paragraph summary in the synopsis is okay for now, but given 80+ chapters being written, you probably have a better synopsis in your mind. I'd say it's generic enough to become lost in the sea of similar stories, so make it more visible. That's all.

A legend reviews another legend!

 

[Worthy39]

Okay, I have to ask after reading some of these roasts. Is there any story you would truly consider a masterpiece? Or even just good enough? Because dang, these are actually some pretty good stories you're tearing apart. As for me... I think I'll hold off on asking to be roasted until I've built up more self esteem, and I finish rewriting my story...
[current self-esteem levels: 0]

 

[JayMark]

Thank you.

Showing Versus Telling: I actually take this very seriously, not that I don't tell ever, but I will rarely ever character tell. I actively fight against saying directly how a character feels. That's not going to change at this point, but sometimes I'll break down. Sometimes I'll break down big time and then erase it all when I edit months later because I told too much. *I will drop stories that tell me a character's traits or feelings directly too often.

Edit: *Although, the character stats tell so much about the characters I've started giving my other characters the same stat system secretly for my other works. But stat tells are an exception because this is an experimental lit-rpg.

Pacing: Intentional. I don't like instant gratification. I'll admit I suffer through my pacing at times, but it ends up worth it for me. My attitude towards my readers: enjoy the fucking moment. So maybe readers can be inclined to hate that when they can get their instant gratification served fresh from a thousand other options, and for that I'll suffer. Sure, I want readers, but I was born in the wrong era. The commentary on this made me laugh, and the observation made me happy even though you regard it as an overall negative.

Grenmer:

*This is the one that hurts the most.

I have a lot of typos. A keyboard that doesn't always type the letters I hit for whatever reason. Sometimes I use bad sentence structure. I scrubbed the first 30 chapters hard hoping this wouldn't be a problem. I do purposely use fragments and passive sentences on occasion. I'll take another look for the 100th time.

I refuse to let my work be touched by bots and butlers. I'll use my WP grammar check feature but that's it. I'll use my own mind. I'll keep working on it and read outloud to check the flow. A typo here and there speaks to authenticity and doesn't bother me, but I'd preffer perfect grenmer unless I'm breaking the rules intentionally.

Ethos: The never before seen part is the sheer amount of complexity I'm attempting to make work. This story is a slog fest to write. I love it, but sometimes it literally hurts me to make sure all the hidden mechanisms function properly and that the timeline makes sense.

Goal: This story won't truly shine until it is finished. So the only goal at this point is to finish it. But that's going to take a while, because there are a lot of pieces.

Overall: I thought this would be much worse considering all the hate I've gotten on RR for it.

 

[Anonjohn20]

these are actually some pretty good stories you're tearing apart.

What do you think a roast is?

Overall: I thought this would be much worse considering all the hate I've gotten on RR for it.

That's just RR. If you don't lick the boots of the moderators and popular authors, they'll stomp you out.

 

[Worthy39]

What do you think a roast is?

Yes, I'm aware that's what a roast is, I'm just curious what they would personally consider good.

 

[JayMark]

Yes, I'm aware that's what a roast is, I'm just curious what they would personally consider good.

I was hoping I'd hit that 1 percent legend class. It wasn't to be. But I didn't hit the bottom 80 percent so that's good. It's pretty rare that something reaches mediocre here.

 

[Worthy39]

I was hoping I'd hit that 1 percent legend class. It wasn't to be. But I didn't hit the bottom 80 percent so that's good. It's pretty rare that something reaches mediocre here.

Mine would definitely fall into that bottom 80%. ? I think it's good enough for a normal reader, but someone like Tempokai? Hell no.

 

[V8485]

It not close to perfect but I you can I be thinkful The Devil Been Isekai | Scribble Hub