Three's the charm free feedback thread. (Closed.)

[Bartun]

I really wanted to make it fun, you can see it in my first couple of replies, but honestly, I can't be bothered to do it anymore. SHF is draining the life outta me with how shit it is. So sorry for not upholding this promise guys. I will at least give some feedback on your stories. I will do them in batches.

This is a subjective feedback and blah-blah. I don't even understand why I mention if. If you get offended after all the disclaimers you are an idiot who shouldn't write in the first place.


I read one chapter this time, and I can say nothing has changed since the last time I read what you wrote. I should remind you, the last time wasn't in my feedback thread, but when I replied to one of your threads. I think I've given your novels a try thrice now. The first time it was somewhat rough, if I remember everything correctly, but the second and third time I don't really have much to say. Apart from making paragraphs smaller.

It is still easy to read even with chunky paragraphs... Easy to read on PC. On a phone it's a chore to read such big paragraphs, especially if you read it in a moving subway, bus, car, you get what I mean. I know some people are used to this and can read traditionally published literature while standing in an old bus, ok. Still I have no idea why not make it easy to read for more people.

So yeah, I have nothing to say apart from the fact you are too stubborn, and it will cost you your hobby.

I don't remember the first feedback well enough. The two things I can say today after reading prologue and chapter 1, your writing is choppy. You can actually argue and make a point that prologue like yours should be choppy, but chapter 1 doesn't have to be choppy. Granted chapter 1 is less choppy than prologue, so maybe prologue need as much 'fix' as chapter 1 if you decide to listen to my ramblings.

Another thing. I will be honest here, I didn't read dialogues. I saw a stream of "said, asked, replied" and took the "Said is invisible for native English speaking people" saying literally. Sorry, it was partially a joke about the saying. The true part is, there is this opinion parroted online, that people who read books in English since they were little kids don't see "said" in English books. Said is invisible to them. I'm not one of the native English speaking people, it irks me when I see said, said, said, said. Soooo, sorry, I skipped dialogues.

It's not hard to read, and I didn't see anything atrocious personally. It's a bit too choppy, and since I'm not native speaker I can't stand "said, replied, asked" trio. That's about it.

died in a Manila Uy Phillipines! Phillipines! Woah!

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I stopped at Chapter 3.1: Wildlands but briefly glanced through next couple of chapters to look at something. Before that, I will mention just a few things.

What was divine judgment compared to bleeding out in an alley? You missed an opportunity for a joke. Could've written "What was divine judgment compared to working at customer service in Phillipines?"

Ok-ok, with joke out of the way.

from his BPO salary
can navigate PHIC (Philippine Health Insurance Corporation)

You didn't give explanation to what BPO is. I am not native english speaker, and I'm not from Phillipines either. I have no idea what it is. You either explain everything or nothing, that's my opinion. More than that, I am not sure if you need to explain acronyms in parenthesis at all. You can explain it with the context.

I think you can do it, because your writing is good I think. I have no idea what pandesal is, but you explained it right away. It is bread. Apart from that, I can't say much. As I mentioned your writing is good, not perfect, but it's really good.

If I had to pick any problems with the story, that would be what I looked for in the following chapters. You use system. I'm sorry, this makes you creatively bankrupt. I liked how you set up MC and his personality. The 'isekai process' wasn't terribly unique, but it was nice because of your good writing. I was hoping, maybe the system is going to be present only during the 'isekai' process and will disappear later on? Nope.

So yeah, your writing is really good, but I'm sorry to say this, you are creatively bankrupt since you used system in your work. I hope you will throw away this crutch. I hope you will come up with a story that doesn't rely on hard numbers and spreadsheets that renounce any attempt to become unique and interesting. You have the skill, now you just need a bit of imagination, or you can simply take an already existing idea.



DIdn't want to force myself to read past Chapter 1. Richard Boneface. It was exhasuting to finish this one alone, and I didn't want to spend another half an hour trying to read chapter 2.

The reason for that is how weird your text is. I asked a couple of friends and checked it myself. It doesn't seem like it is AI generated. It is still weird as hell. Disjointed. It's as if you had a bunch of paragraphs and assembled them, yet some you put in wrong places, some you forgot to include at all. Frankly speaking, parts of the first chapter are incomprehensible.

First example.

"What is the difference between these options?" What options is he talking about? Did I miss it? I read through this part multiple times. Not only he was NOT presented with any options, it isn't referred later on either. It's just an out of place paragrpah.

Characters talk over each other as if they came from two different chapters. Now you can say you did it on purpose. If it was just dialogues I might've agreed it was done on purpose.

Second example.

Richard slumped on the throne. Destroy Aria? He tried to shift his weight, but the pain shot through his hips, and his knees buckled. How can your knees "buckle" when you are sitting? That's how I know it wasn't done on purpose, because it's not just dialogues, it's not just characters 'talking over each other' refusing to listen to what the other has to say. It's your chapter 1 being a Frankenstein's monster.

That's about all I can say.

Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I need to do better. ?

 

[Rookieqw]

I read one chapter this time, and I can say nothing has changed since the last time I read what you wrote. I should remind you, the last time wasn't in my feedback thread, but when I replied to one of your threads. I think I've given your novels a try thrice now. The first time it was somewhat rough, if I remember everything correctly, but the second and third time I don't really have much to say. Apart from making paragraphs smaller.

It is still easy to read even with chunky paragraphs... Easy to read on PC. On a phone it's a chore to read such big paragraphs, especially if you read it in a moving subway, bus, car, you get what I mean. I know some people are used to this and can read traditionally published literature while standing in an old bus, ok. Still I have no idea why not make it easy to read for more people.

So yeah, I have nothing to say apart from the fact you are too stubborn, and it will cost you your hobby.

Thank you! To answer your question, I don't know how. By this I mean, I know how to press enter, but I think my perception of things differs greatly from that of other people. Each time I'm about to make a paragraph smaller, I get worried that the result might end up too small, that people might think that I intentionally try to stretch the page longer.

It's a me problem and my flaw that I don't have the faintest idea how to tackle at the moment, since the end result of making a paragraph smaller ends up looking weirder for me.

 

[Shadowless3]

Friendly neighbourhood dragon ? @Prince_Azmiran_Myrian filled me with.

Since SHF forums bore me the fuck out, I thought of livening up this place. Wrathful Reviews are coming to SHF! Yeah! Now shut up before I bonk you, me angry! Unlike my previous feedback threads I won't exert as much efforts. Sorry not sorry, sucker. At least I won't use AI and will actually read your stuff myself.

The rules are simple.

1. You post a link to your story. I won't bother to ask for links and will ignore whoever doesn't post a link.
2. You state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM. If you don't specify where do you want your feedback, I will post it in this thread.
3. I read your story. After I read as much as I can(I won't force myself to read more than I want), I will reply to you.
4. I won't read and review three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

The way I will rate your story is with bonks. The man has a gimmick to work. The more bonks I give you, the worse your story is. Here's a list for references.
Bad.
Below average.
Average.
Good.
This is me smacking you for wasting my time. Why the hell are you asking for my opinion when your novel is good?

What are you waiting for little Timmy!? You got an ego to be de destroyed, right here, right now(this is a fatboy slim reference). Reply to get your daily dose of unfunny shitposting and if you are lucky some uninformative, unhelpful, unproductive, ramblings of a grandadborn.

Here mine: you can post the answer in this thread, I would be thankful for anything.

Beneath the Crown

Born of royal blood but raised in shadows, she lives among the streets. A bright, reckless spirit with a hidden past and a secret only her sister knows. Careless, curious, and untamed, she has no interest in kingdoms, crowns, or fate. A streetwise troublemaker with a secret past, she hides...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Batch number 2.

I would be grateful if you would take a look at my novel.

link: The Devil Been Isekai | Scribble Hub

And if you could post the answer in this thread, I would be thankful.

Cheers.

Absolute midwit writing.

First, fix your atrocious formatting. It's not something subjective. It is bad, and you should fix it. Second, it's way to early for you to try and pull off this style. Start with something simple, get experience, learn with your mistakes, study the craft. Only after improving a lot you try your hand at whatever you want to write. Right now it's edgy and immature writing at best. You dropping all the references and kewl moments shatter since the body of water is as deep as a puddle. So yeah, work on your craft, you got this mate.?

Hello! Any feedback and criticism are welcome, please post it in this thread. Thank you.

The Math Research Club Eats Problems For Breakfast

Main series: At Yūgen Academy, where prodigies gather, the Math Research Club is a place where complex problems are devoured for breakfast. Newcomer Kanzaki Seiya meets the calm and brilliant prodigy Kisaragi Akari, whose talent hides a secret no one knows. Under the guidance of...

www.scribblehub.com

I stopped at chapet Chapter 1: Chalk and Shadow 粉筆と影. Since these are my personal thoughts, I can say what I want. The core problem of your novel is the same as the one before. Funnily enough, even your formatiing is equally bad. The main difference you are less edgy and your writing, as in technicalities, is better. Other than that, it's the same case of trying too hard to look deeper than you actually are.

If you're still game my link is below, you can bonk me in public

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1916690/a-shattered-peace-an-epic-fantasy-tale/

An Epic Fantasy Tale? More like... An Epic fantasy FAIL...

Stopped at Chapter 2: The Sounding of the Horn. In case you didn't understand, fail part was a joke. The writing is actually good. I don't really have any comments on that. The story is not my cup of tea. Why?

Since this is my opinion, and you asked for it, I will not hold back. The story is generic. Generic in the worst way possible. You obsiously tried to add your own 'spin' to fantasy, which backfired tremendously and made the story even more generic. And I'm not joking or exaggerating here. Even using 'weave' instead of simple magic is making your story more generic.

That's an interesting phenomenon. When people try to subvert or alter genres and tropes, they usually end doing the same changes other people do. Because they look at superficial parts. And the longer it happens, the more the thing they wanted to change and or subver something, the more original the first iteration becomes.

I don't remember when was the last time when I read a fantasy WN where MC was a good man, a role model. Magic was called magic and it was not bound by strict rules. Where morals are mostly black and white. Where goblins act like stereotypical goblins. Where Church isn't evil. And so on. Combine all these things together, I really can't think of a single WN that were like that.

Enough with my ramblings. The succint feedback would be; I think your writing is good but what you write is generic.

 

[Talon88.1]

Shadows in the Sand (Warhammer 40,000) - Chapter One | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Well, the only way to improve is to see whats wrong, so hit me.
As for feedback, here is fine, maybe my mistakes will help someone else :D
Genre wise no issues there, this isnt any of the ones you said no too.

 

[DavidPope]

Here it is, maybe I can get a high score! The Mana Engineer

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Batch 3.

Creature Feature

Be careful what you wish for, for you might just get it. Now that Av Sine has got his thoughtless wish granted and has been reborn as the seed of a cosmic horror, he finds himself not quite able to stomach what his new instincts are urging him to do....

www.scribblehub.com

Hit me harder Daddy.
Whoa
No no you misheard, my name is Dah Dee.

Ps: Much obliged for taking some time out for this. I don't mind the lambasting being public or private.

You should probably stop writing since you can't read.

Hi! I'm grateful for any feedback on my novel. It doesn't have chapters, and the "cover" is just art of the protagonist atm.

The Witch and The Rogue

Astra has always believed strength meant power, the kind she never had as an orphan witch. Clawing her way to magical prowess through self-study and sheer will, she dreams of becoming a heroic adventurer in the gritty city of Vallentis. But when she intervenes in a street fight to save...

www.scribblehub.com

I can only repeat what Macha said. There is one thing I disagree with Macha thought. "Break down each parts to smaller parts with maximum of 10k-15k words." In my opinion you should break chapters to 4k words top. The reason for that is not simply because people have ADHD, but because it allows you to post more chapters. You post more chapters => you get more clicks => more clicks = more chances to get a reader.

Bonk me, here on the thread is fine
Decay Hunter

Sorry, I tried hard but I was not able to finish Chapter 1: Death’s Fog (Part-1). I read half, I will explain the reason after I briefly talk about your writing.

The prose is a bit too purple. One example.
That kid...was it an abuse case? Terrible parenting isn't odd around here, but killing your own family...? A kid won't be able to deal with that kind of mental burden... You did three ellipsis "..." in one small paragrpah. C'mon bruv, stop overusuing ellipsis and making your prose too purple.

Other than that, can't say much about writing. It's not bad, it's ok.

The reason why I couldn't force myself to finish the chapter is because your story is, at the very least, the fifth one that starts like this. Considering I've read, including yours, 11 stories in this thread, you can make of this whatever you want.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Posts against merging

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Batch 4.

Here mine: you can post the answer in this thread, I would be thankful for anything.

Beneath the Crown

Born of royal blood but raised in shadows, she lives among the streets. A bright, reckless spirit with a hidden past and a secret only her sister knows. Careless, curious, and untamed, she has no interest in kingdoms, crowns, or fate. A streetwise troublemaker with a secret past, she hides...

www.scribblehub.com

So I stopped at chapter The Name She Doesn’t Use. Can't think of anything to say here. Minor mistakes\typos here and there, but apart from it, nothing else. I can only add this story is not my cup of tea.

Shadows in the Sand (Warhammer 40,000) - Chapter One | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Well, the only way to improve is to see whats wrong, so hit me.
As for feedback, here is fine, maybe my mistakes will help someone else :D
Genre wise no issues there, this isnt any of the ones you said no too.

Finished chapter one and stopped there.

I will probably start with writing. I am conflicted here, because I usually don't like long paragraphs in WNs, it's a pain to read long blocks of text on a phone. But at the same time, it feels like you dance on the edge, making them big enough for a comfortable read. It's really hard for me, because I liked how you write. If you were to write something that I want to read, I would enjoy it very much I think. Another point, your chapter is on the longer side compared to average WN, yet it took me less time to read your than some shorter ones from this thread.

HOWEVER, I'm not sure if other readers, by other readers I mean the majority of readers on SH and other writing sites, would like this. People read WNs on phones as I said, some have worse English than me. Will they slog through it? I doubt it. Obviously there are those who are ok reading works like your on phones, or they read on PC, or on tablet, and so on. Sure. But it's not like you automatically connect with them right? Posting online you have one more battle to fight, you have to actually find and connect with people that want to read your work. I don't know how to help you here.

About fanfiction part. It's the same as writing, I feel conflicted again. It was a long time since I read WH40K books or played games in that universe. My knowledge is outdated and fragmented. Still, I felt like some parts of your fanfic are not 'lore accurate'.

Cybernetics Don't they call it bionics? Won't using "imperial units" be more fitting than foot? Lastly, don't they call every 'normal' gun Stubber? I think there were a couple more terms here and there, and it's more of a nitpick. While those terms I think were either wrong or missed opportunity, other terms were used well.

Lastly, part where I feel conflicted. On one hand, I feel like this is the only type of fanfics that should exist. You used the universe and came up with your own stuff instead of making yet another isekai with super Space Marine MC that is going to save the emperor and destroy Chaos gods. You get what I mean here, right? On another hand... Can't you just get rid of WH40K parts and make it your own story? After reading chapter one I felt like you can and nothing of value will be lost in this transition. You can simply make an original sci-fi novel.

Not sure what to say really. Writing is good, but won't necesserily appeal to mass reader. Good fanfic, but there is no point in keeping it as a fanfic instead of rewriting it into an original. Or so I think. ?‍

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

If you don't do well then he will get angry.
And you don't want to see him angry.

 

[Hads]

Hi don't suppose you could take a look at my book so far:

Game Master in Another World

Geoff is a forever Dungeon Master who takes pride in keeping his players entertained. His games run smoothly thanks to careful preparation and a flair for storytelling. But after what seems like a normal day, Geoff awakens in another world as a formless entity, able only to move and observe....

www.scribblehub.com

I'm still trying to find my writing style a little.

 

[Talon88.1]

Batch 4.

So I stopped at chapter The Name She Doesn’t Use. Can't think of anything to say here. Minor mistakes\typos here and there, but apart from it, nothing else. I can only add this story is not my cup of tea.

Finished chapter one and stopped there.

I will probably start with writing. I am conflicted here, because I usually don't like long paragraphs in WNs, it's a pain to read long blocks of text on a phone. But at the same time, it feels like you dance on the edge, making them big enough for a comfortable read. It's really hard for me, because I liked how you write. If you were to write something that I want to read, I would enjoy it very much I think. Another point, your chapter is on the longer side compared to average WN, yet it took me less time to read your than some shorter ones from this thread.

HOWEVER, I'm not sure if other readers, by other readers I mean the majority of readers on SH and other writing sites, would like this. People read WNs on phones as I said, some have worse English than me. Will they slog through it? I doubt it. Obviously there are those who are ok reading works like your on phones, or they read on PC, or on tablet, and so on. Sure. But it's not like you automatically connect with them right? Posting online you have one more battle to fight, you have to actually find and connect with people that want to read your work. I don't know how to help you here.

About fanfiction part. It's the same as writing, I feel conflicted again. It was a long time since I read WH40K books or played games in that universe. My knowledge is outdated and fragmented. Still, I felt like some parts of your fanfic are not 'lore accurate'.

Cybernetics Don't they call it bionics? Won't using "imperial units" be more fitting than foot? Lastly, don't they call every 'normal' gun Stubber? I think there were a couple more terms here and there, and it's more of a nitpick. While those terms I think were either wrong or missed opportunity, other terms were used well.

Lastly, part where I feel conflicted. On one hand, I feel like this is the only type of fanfics that should exist. You used the universe and came up with your own stuff instead of making yet another isekai with super Space Marine MC that is going to save the emperor and destroy Chaos gods. You get what I mean here, right? On another hand... Can't you just get rid of WH40K parts and make it your own story? After reading chapter one I felt like you can and nothing of value will be lost in this transition. You can simply make an original sci-fi novel.

Not sure what to say really. Writing is good, but won't necesserily appeal to mass reader. Good fanfic, but there is no point in keeping it as a fanfic instead of rewriting it into an original. Or so I think. ?‍

First off, thank you for taking the time to read and give feedback :)

To address:
I didn't write with the intention of doing a webnovel, I just started writing and wanted to put it up and see what people thought, and now I'm up to chapter 51 on other sites like Spacebattles and such. People reading on phones and other things honestly didn't factor into my thinking on the formatting, but I'm older so that's likely just me picturing an actual novel, you know?

As for terms, I've seen it be used interchangeably, bionics, cybernetics, stubber, guns, it honestly varies on the 40k writer. The foot unit as a measurement though I think you have a point, I'll look into that.

And I do! I personally don't find Sue power fantasies or isekai's much fun, as I enjoy characters that have to earn their happy endings, not just have everything magically go their way. Peaks and valleys define a character so much more than just continual climbs.

To the original novel idea, the main reason is that I use fanfiction as practice to help refine my skills. The writing scene is brutal, and the publishing houses are extraordinarily picky, so I want to polish it up a mirror shine before I toss my hat into the ring.

All that said, thank you again for your time and input!

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Batch 5.

Here it is, maybe I can get a high score! The Mana Engineer

Stopped at Chapter Two—Naked and Bald. Brother, just write a sci-fi, please. Don't choke magic and fantasy out of fantasy genre, please. Just do a normal sci-fi and be happy with yourself.

Your writing is alright, but I can't not mention how generic it is. Everything from the type of humor and jokes to trying to turn fantasy into sci-fi. Picture perfect litrpg from Royal Road. My personal opinion, it's not enough to change how your stats or classes are named to avoid being called generic. You really should go Royal Road and post there, it's THE place for novels like yours. You will find success here since people there only read the same LitRPG story over and voer again, and your story fits their favorite archetype.

P.S. It's not sarcasm, you will find readers on RR. Depending on whether you are lucky and get crushed by an authors clique or not, you might also find success there.

Hi don't suppose you could take a look at my book so far:

Game Master in Another World

Geoff is a forever Dungeon Master who takes pride in keeping his players entertained. His games run smoothly thanks to careful preparation and a flair for storytelling. But after what seems like a normal day, Geoff awakens in another world as a formless entity, able only to move and observe....

www.scribblehub.com

I'm still trying to find my writing style a little.

I stopped at Journey to a village. What can I say? It reads like a rough first draft rather than finished novel.

For example dialogues. At first it starts with goblins and zero dialogue or action tags. Then it followed by bold Guard 1\2. After that we get dialogues with constant dialogues tags. Another part, goblins start with a kind of accent you find in WH40K or WH fantasy, but goblin guards speak as normal humans. Again, it's inconsistent.

Weird part that starts here; Over six months, I learned the following about the goblins. It shouldn't be present in this shape. Again, it looks more like a memo you wrote to yourself that should've been rewritten in the final draft.

There are many other things that showcase how you go from one style to another, you do this than switch to that. You start with incorporeal MC and switch to the adventure group with literally zero scene change. You either do a scene split, type a line or something like three " ` " signs to showcase there was a change of scene, or you do it with words.

My advice, just relax. Relax, take it easy, and start with something easy. There is nothing bad about starting with basic and easy to understand writing. It's way better to do basics good than to make a jumbled mess of styles and ideas. Readers will appreciate it more. Start with basic, easy to udnerstand and read style. Once you mastered it, once you wrote 100+ chapters, you can slowly change it, add this or that quirk.

Another point, you should stick with one style because you will never be satisfied with how you write. After a month you will look back and think it's badly written. Two months later and your 'improved' writing will look just as bad. It will exist constantly, so it's better to not rewrite the same chapters constantly. Let yourself accumulate experience, to study from mistakes you have to make them first.

Good luck, and have fun with writing.

 

[LuoirM]

Can you do my sto- Ah fuck it's Closed :<

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Forum users can quote this post to reply to new entries from now on. I'm leaving this forum. ?

This thread is closed as mentioned in the title and this message. If you were not able to read it, if you 'missed' it, it means you shouldn't write in the first place. You are a blind imbecile and you automatically get 0\5 stars from me.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Yo, I think it's over, guys.

 

[Macha]

Forum users can quote this post to reply to new entries from now on. I'm leaving this forum. ?

This thread is closed as mentioned in the title and this message. If you were not able to read it, if you 'missed' it, it means you shouldn't write in the first place. You are a blind imbecile and you automatically get 0\5 stars from me.

How very generous of you. Instead of saying you shouldn't have been born, you are saying you shouldn't write in the first place? Where is the anger?

 

[LuoirM]

Can I post a WN link?

 

[GardenerKing]

"What is the difference between these options?" What options is he talking about? Did I miss it? I read through this part multiple times. Not only he was NOT presented with any options, it isn't referred later on either. It's just an out of place paragrpah.

That's a mistake on my side. He was offered to be crushed violently or to let go and die peacefully, but I made Richard interrupt him later and forgot to remove that part entirely.

"It does not matter," he said. "Surrender now, and we'll leave your corpse intact!"

Richard slumped on the throne. Destroy Aria? He tried to shift his weight, but the pain shot through his hips, and his knees buckled. How can your knees "buckle" when you are sitting? That's how I know it wasn't done on purpose, because it's not just dialogues, it's not just characters 'talking over each other' refusing to listen to what the other has to say. It's your chapter 1 being a Frankenstein's monster.

He's just trying to stand, but thanks for the laugh, LMAO. I guess I will have to drop more hints or thoughts to clarify it the next time.