Three's the charm free feedback thread. (Closed.)

[RepresentingWrath]

Friendly neighbourhood dragon ? @Prince_Azmiran_Myrian filled me with.

Since SHF forums bore me the fuck out, I thought of livening up this place. Wrathful Reviews are coming to SHF! Yeah! Now shut up before I bonk you, me angry! Unlike my previous feedback threads I won't exert as much efforts. Sorry not sorry, sucker. At least I won't use AI and will actually read your stuff myself.

The rules are simple.

1. You post a link to your story. I won't bother to ask for links and will ignore whoever doesn't post a link.
2. You state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM. If you don't specify where do you want your feedback, I will post it in this thread.
3. I read your story. After I read as much as I can(I won't force myself to read more than I want), I will reply to you.
4. I won't read and review three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

The way I will rate your story is with bonks. The man has a gimmick to work. The more bonks I give you, the worse your story is. Here's a list for references.
Bad.
Below average.
Average.
Good.
This is me smacking you for wasting my time. Why the hell are you asking for my opinion when your novel is good?

What are you waiting for little Timmy!? You got an ego to be de destroyed, right here, right now(this is a fatboy slim reference). Reply to get your daily dose of unfunny shitposting and if you are lucky some uninformative, unhelpful, unproductive, ramblings of a grandadborn.

 

[Hoshino]

Well... Here goes nothing-nya (PM) https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...-world-with-a-dodge-rate-of-infinity-percent/

 

[Eldoria]

Please PM me. Thank you.

Blood Rose Princess: Her Last Mercy was Death

The world is alive. It hears. It remembers. And now… it is wounded deeply. In a world filled with greedy and sinful humans, where power replaces justice, and the people are cheap meat for the machines of tyranny, their screams are no longer heard by kings, nobles, or blood merchants....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[JayMark]

You bonk me right here in front everyone the way I like it. Bonk me hard daddy.

This World Without Mercy

A revolutionary technology for infrastructure repair has destroyed the world. Now almost everything is covered in regenerating asphalt. Mass extinctions, global warming, and an ever-worsening lack of atmospheric oxygen have left humanity confined to isolated outposts built by the world's...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Corty]

I feel like its 2022 again:

Mad God – Reborn

A realm populated by mortals, where demigods and gods were beings of fables and legends only. Until a particular, unforgettable day... This peaceful and mundane world underwent an irreversible change, giving rise not only to cultivators but also to new life forms: demons. Creatures rose up as...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Representing_Tromba]

Good luck! Sounds like fun! I won't share mine because I am doing some rewrites, but I hope it goes well for others.

 

[Rookieqw]

Thank you for the kind offer! Here's my story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1042505/hordedoom/

Feedback in this thread will be excellent.

 

[DarkCosmos]

Here you go (PM)

Truth Beyond the veil

Three close friends find their lives turned upside down after awakening from a strange event, and they receive powers they can’t explain. With these newfound abilities, they begin exploring the world, visiting places they never thought they would see. But the more they venture, the more they...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Bartun]

I have fond memories of this. ?

I feel torn. You're a dear friend to me, and part of me doesn't want to make you waste your time. But also, I've improved a lot, and the story you reviewed years ago has changed a lot, too. It's completely different now.

It would mean a lot to me if you give your review, even if I get the bonks. I don't mind if everyone can see it in this thread. ?

 

[Xenomorph]

Let me receive your bonk ?

The Neutral System

Kahiramura Klein died in a Manila alley for choosing his conscience over a payday that could have saved his mother. His reward isn't peace, but a second, brutal life in Tertius—a frontier world where every soul is judged and branded either Divine or Demonic. Klein awakens as a glitch...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[GardenerKing]

Gimme the megabonk here, please.

Godborn Celestial Dragon [God Themed Xianxia]

Richard spent his life serving his goddess faithfully, eradicating what she considered evil until he slayed the demon king, earning himself a wish... His wish offended her, and instead of granting him eternal power and immortality, she cursed him into a demon before branding him. Now dead and...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[DireBadger]

 

[V8485]

I would be grateful if you would take a look at my novel.

link: The Devil Been Isekai | Scribble Hub

And if you could post the answer in this thread, I would be thankful.

Cheers.

 

[Hachiichi818]

Hello! Any feedback and criticism are welcome, please post it in this thread. Thank you.

The Math Research Club Eats Problems For Breakfast

Main series: At Yūgen Academy, where prodigies gather, the Math Research Club is a place where complex problems are devoured for breakfast. Newcomer Kanzaki Seiya meets the calm and brilliant prodigy Kisaragi Akari, whose talent hides a secret no one knows. Under the guidance of...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Anonjohn20]

@RepresentingWrath Where are you at? You have 10 fishes in the reel waiting.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

@RepresentingWrath Where are you at? You have 10 fishes in the reel waiting.

I will start tomorrow, or today. Don't know yet.

 

[Eternauta86]

If you're still game my link is below, you can bonk me in public

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1916690/a-shattered-peace-an-epic-fantasy-tale/

 

[CharlesEBrown]

I keep reading this as "There's the charm-free feedback thread"...

 

[GardenerKing]

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

You bonk me right here in front everyone the way I like it. Bonk me hard daddy.

This World Without Mercy

A revolutionary technology for infrastructure repair has destroyed the world. Now almost everything is covered in regenerating asphalt. Mass extinctions, global warming, and an ever-worsening lack of atmospheric oxygen have left humanity confined to isolated outposts built by the world's...

www.scribblehub.com

So I stopped at Chapter 3. Rescue Attempt.

I like the idea behind the story, the world. Among all the slopsekai, korean slopademies, and chinese sloptivation, it is a nice change of pace. Post apoc with tar or apshalt gimmick. Not something mindblowing, so don't get smug. However, in the context of what web novel writers usually produce, it's nice.

You know what isn't nice? Execution.

Yeah-yeah. Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Representing Wrath spitting here.
Bonking is free.
So is your novel, not only in my dreams.
Oxen anti-fly cream, I have it.
You want it, but can't get it.
Recipe is easy, some chlorine.
You thought it would be easy.
My rap game is breezy.
Fame came after my feedback changed the landscape.
Beed incrusted horn traded for cape.
There's no escape this vigilante's tupperware.
Steak is rare, so is my well-done.
After the bar, here's da' chorus prescription.
One for the bad descriptions.
Two for the shitty action scenes.
Three for not starting well.
Fo' for thinking a bull can be queen! ?

You should be ashamed for making me use rap considering how bad I am at rapping. Double ashamed for wasting the potential of the world. My first gripe is the start. What I assume you wanted to make, the picture you wanted to paint, didn't work at all.

The bright scorching sun baking the asphalt stretching as far as ones eye could see. Heat kept in the dark tar didn't bring fata morgana, and the image in the far horizon stayed still. No dust clogging up both nostrils. There wasn't even hot air stinging the lungs and cutting the throat.

I got a picture of this from movies or games, not from your novel. Trying too much to keep mystery instead of focusing on the now. Contradictory, but describing the girl in such 'great' details was useless. Mainly because your descriptions are bad, but also because it felt like her description stretched to one third of the chapter.

Also technical mistakes. Writing more sentences than necessary to describe this or that. And it's not exclusice to chapter one. Overall, big blocks of text, yet they aren't even fluff. You can condense descriptions, make them sharper and tell the same thing. Use remaining words to include other details.

There is also a problem that a lot of stuff is contradictory. No, I do NOT mean you say her left foot is broken and the next paragraphs she jumps ten meters. I'm talking super small, nosy contradictions, like how the crew tries to save the girl, and while one guy is huffing and puffing, the rest are either emotionless or bored. Like how the woman from the heli crew has her jaw slightly open, but she adds "Interesting" instead of going straight to "How did this happen?" Or how you casually drop MC's name out of nowhere while trying to not name her before.

Action scenes are same as descriptions, it's all technical mistakes. Using wrong words, wasting word count, making small contradictions or repeating what you've already written which kind of the same as wasting word count really.

So yeah, three bonks! Not atrocious, but it severely lacks polish. Made me feel like reading my own first draft rather than finished product.

Made me feel as if I'm listening to the rap beat without the rap itself... Probably why I rapped a little bit myself. Feeling proud of my rap btw. I rate it two bonks. A bit nonsensical and simple, but I did it on purpose, for sure. There's no way I would rap that bad, it was to show your story is not good, fr fr, no cap. ??