I really wanted to make it fun, you can see it in my first couple of replies, but honestly, I can't be bothered to do it anymore. SHF is draining the life outta me with how shit it is. So sorry for not upholding this promise guys. I will at least give some feedback on your stories. I will do them in batches.
This is a subjective feedback and blah-blah. I don't even understand why I mention if. If you get offended after all the disclaimers you are an idiot who shouldn't write in the first place.
I read one chapter this time, and I can say nothing has changed since the last time I read what you wrote. I should remind you, the last time wasn't in my feedback thread, but when I replied to one of your threads. I think I've given your novels a try thrice now. The first time it was somewhat rough, if I remember everything correctly, but the second and third time I don't really have much to say. Apart from making paragraphs smaller.
It is still easy to read even with chunky paragraphs... Easy to read on PC. On a phone it's a chore to read such big paragraphs, especially if you read it in a moving subway, bus, car, you get what I mean. I know some people are used to this and can read traditionally published literature while standing in an old bus, ok. Still I have no idea why not make it easy to read for more people.
So yeah, I have nothing to say apart from the fact you are too stubborn, and it will cost you your hobby.
I don't remember the first feedback well enough. The two things I can say today after reading prologue and chapter 1, your writing is choppy. You can actually argue and make a point that prologue like yours should be choppy, but chapter 1 doesn't have to be choppy. Granted chapter 1 is less choppy than prologue, so maybe prologue need as much 'fix' as chapter 1 if you decide to listen to my ramblings.
Another thing. I will be honest here, I didn't read dialogues. I saw a stream of "said, asked, replied" and took the "Said is invisible for native English speaking people" saying literally. Sorry, it was partially a joke about the saying. The true part is, there is this opinion parroted online, that people who read books in English since they were little kids don't see "said" in English books. Said is invisible to them. I'm not one of the native English speaking people, it irks me when I see said, said, said, said. Soooo, sorry, I skipped dialogues.
It's not hard to read, and I didn't see anything atrocious personally. It's a bit too choppy, and since I'm not native speaker I can't stand "said, replied, asked" trio. That's about it.
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I stopped at Chapter 3.1: Wildlands but briefly glanced through next couple of chapters to look at something. Before that, I will mention just a few things.
What was divine judgment compared to bleeding out in an alley? You missed an opportunity for a joke. Could've written "What was divine judgment compared to working at customer service in Phillipines?"
Ok-ok, with joke out of the way.
from his BPO salary
can navigate PHIC (Philippine Health Insurance Corporation)
You didn't give explanation to what BPO is. I am not native english speaker, and I'm not from Phillipines either. I have no idea what it is. You either explain everything or nothing, that's my opinion. More than that, I am not sure if you need to explain acronyms in parenthesis at all. You can explain it with the context.
I think you can do it, because your writing is good I think. I have no idea what pandesal is, but you explained it right away. It is bread. Apart from that, I can't say much. As I mentioned your writing is good, not perfect, but it's really good.
If I had to pick any problems with the story, that would be what I looked for in the following chapters. You use system. I'm sorry, this makes you creatively bankrupt. I liked how you set up MC and his personality. The 'isekai process' wasn't terribly unique, but it was nice because of your good writing. I was hoping, maybe the system is going to be present only during the 'isekai' process and will disappear later on? Nope.
So yeah, your writing is really good, but I'm sorry to say this, you are creatively bankrupt since you used system in your work. I hope you will throw away this crutch. I hope you will come up with a story that doesn't rely on hard numbers and spreadsheets that renounce any attempt to become unique and interesting. You have the skill, now you just need a bit of imagination, or you can simply take an already existing idea.
DIdn't want to force myself to read past Chapter 1. Richard Boneface. It was exhasuting to finish this one alone, and I didn't want to spend another half an hour trying to read chapter 2.
The reason for that is how weird your text is. I asked a couple of friends and checked it myself. It doesn't seem like it is AI generated. It is still weird as hell. Disjointed. It's as if you had a bunch of paragraphs and assembled them, yet some you put in wrong places, some you forgot to include at all. Frankly speaking, parts of the first chapter are incomprehensible.
First example.
"What is the difference between these options?" What options is he talking about? Did I miss it? I read through this part multiple times. Not only he was NOT presented with any options, it isn't referred later on either. It's just an out of place paragrpah.
Characters talk over each other as if they came from two different chapters. Now you can say you did it on purpose. If it was just dialogues I might've agreed it was done on purpose.
Second example.
Richard slumped on the throne. Destroy Aria? He tried to shift his weight, but the pain shot through his hips, and his knees buckled. How can your knees "buckle" when you are sitting? That's how I know it wasn't done on purpose, because it's not just dialogues, it's not just characters 'talking over each other' refusing to listen to what the other has to say. It's your chapter 1 being a Frankenstein's monster.
That's about all I can say.
Not atrocious, but it severely lacks polish. Made me feel like reading my own first draft rather than finished product.
