Offering feedback on your first chapter

[Peagreene]

Our inimitable Peagreene? Is no casual reader.
PG is either an agent, looking for something he can sink his teeth into.
Undiscovered talent he can do something with.
Or, PG is one of those "staff readers" at a pub house.
You know, the people that read your first chapter and toss it in the trash.
Their job, is to take anything they think they found? To their higher ups.

If PG is a staff reader, and he finds a nice diamond in the rough... it goes a long way to PG moving up in that career.
After all, who would want to languish as a staff reader, when they could have their own office.

Allow me my fantasy, would you? Sheesh.
Besides. Like PG would admit the existence of the alter-ego, if it was even like that.

Still though, we're all excited to line up and try to get read.
Hell. I'm dogshit for these little auditions and I know it.
I write trad-pub novel style.
I can't bring myself to do single sentence paragraphs.

Dude, what
To be fair, you're not wrong, I did work as a slush pile reader and then freelance editor for a lit agent and a couple of publishers.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Hey folks.
I'm trying to find good stuff to read on here while also Engaging With The Community. I like horror, low fantasy, mystery, gothic, and historical stuff (my main era is Victorian England). Here for anything close to Stephen King, Shirley Jackson, or T. Kingfisher. Not here for isekai or overpowered protagonists or self insert fics. Drop your links below.

EDITED TO ADD: If you used AI to write your story, I'm not going to waste my time giving feedback on it. There's no excuse for using generative AI.

If you have time I would be ever so grateful.

Hacking The System: KINGDOM OF STONE [LitRPG]

'Freedom. Peace. Hope.' It's 1979 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout America. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the Radical Guilds...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Peagreene]

Not so much horror, but I got some fantasy and historical in mine. Guaranteed no isekai, no fanfic, no overpowered MCs. I'm a bit new though so my work's only got a few chapters, but you can check it out you like. May your search be fruitful!

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View attachment 46097

To whom it may concern up above, please heed my humble complaint: I am currently being haunted by an angel.

Nice opening.

“Do you intend to let her drag you around like that forever?” sneers a low voice.

Is this the angel? Not immediately clear.

This ghostly pestering has gone on for days without a single break, not stopping even for a second.

I'm wondering why she doesn't acknowledge him or respond? What does she gain by staying silent?

In all my 21 years of existence, I have never faced a more formidable threat. Yet, I will persist.

I, Belle Ruth, refuse to be taken down by a mere hallucination!

I don't love how clunky this exposition is.

During the first couple days, that would have made me shiver, fearing that I had angered a real supernatural entity. Now, I just sigh.

I'd like more internal detail on what's prompted this change.

“Look at you—used to my presence already! Hah! That’s right, I knew you were special from the start, much better than that rude servant girl, that’s for sure.” cackles the angel.

End the dialogue with comma rather than a full stop.

He’s wrong, by the way.

I am a servant girl.

He said "that rude servant girl" which made it sound like he was referring to a specific servant girl, not that Belle Ruth isn't a servant girl as well.

Why did I not refuse even though she bold-faced lied?

Normally the phrase is "bold-faced lie", so a noun rather than a verb. You could keep this if it fits with other eccentricities of the character's speech, otherwise I'd change it.

A wave of wind tickles my cheek and bites my exposed neck.

"Tickles" implies softness but "bites" is harsh.

“Never meant to, dear.” he responds, “It'll take time, that’s all.”

Should be formatted thusly: “Never meant to, dear,” he responds. “It'll take time, that’s all.”

A woman with ivory eyes stares listlessly, cheeks pale and lips chapped. A few short strands of pitch black peak out the sides of her white bonnet. Her face, though strained and weary from tireless labour and thankless effort, could not be considered ugly, but it would be laughable to call it beautiful.

Average.

Just average is what I’d describe the woman in my reflection.

I don't love this. This feels like you, the author, describing the character, rather than a person looking at themselves.

The grey-eyed woman fades away.

Earlier you described her as having ivory eyes; ivory is white.

As my knuckles graze against the ice cold water, a chill flashes through my veins.

Why's she washing clothes in cold water? Wouldn't she boil or at least heat the water first?

So, he’s Aca now.

Initially, I suggested the name, Apoka, short for apocalypse, but he hated that. Said it sounded like the annoying rooster he heard earlier in the morning. In the end, we went with a more roundabout approach.

Earlier it made it sound like she's been ignoring him since he arrived, but now it's clear that's not the case. And if she's already given him a name, why wouldn't she be using that name in her internal thoughts when thinking about him?

“I thought you’d never ask!” He cheers gleefully. “Indeed, that is a good question.”

Small letter to begin the dialogue tag.

“…What? Oh my goodness, are you serious?” I sigh, “how do you not—”

Full stop to end the tag.

given that I talk to an angel every day whose mission is to use me to save the world.

This makes it sound like the talking to an angel has been going on for a long time, rather than three days.

I’d recognize those brown braids any day.

But not her face?

“No, no.” I reject. “Why would you do that?"

Comma to end the dialogue. I'd suggest finding another verb other than "reject" as it doesn't sound right in this context.

“Plus,” she turns the faucet off and looks directly at me, “I’m grateful, but you don’t have to keep treating me like a kid. I can handle myself just fine,”

Stella smiles, “I’m already eighteen after all.”

Generally speaking, keep a speaker's actions and dialogue on the same paragraph. Start a new paragraph with a new speaker.

---

This felt like a good start. I'd like more detail about Belle's internal world, and less self-consciousness in the writing, but this is good.

 

[Bimbanana]

Wonder if you interested to read my work below?
It has readers, yes.
But im just looking for some... human interaction maybe?
Since surprisingly "readers" in scribble hub are very devoted to their titles. They are a very shy creatures who rarely writes in the comments, let alone review.

Its high fantasy forced to become low fantasy by the characters btw.

 

[LazyScript]

This felt like a good start. I'd like more detail about Belle's internal world, and less self-consciousness in the writing, but this is good.

Thanks for the review. Will definitely make use of the feedback.

 

[Peagreene]

Here you go:

A Place To Bloom

Caleb of Gath wants nothing more than to climb mountains, hunt in the forest, and chase girls around the village, until he's called to war. He's never held a sword. As the truth unfolds, he must sacrifice everything he thought he knew about the world and grapple with the darkness...

www.scribblehub.com

Father in Heaven, I have sinned. Sorry… hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done…

This implies the world takes place in a world where Christianity exists. Which is fine, but is going to be difficult with world building.

A mass of kinky bronze hair popped out from the last doorway, and Sarina turned to face me. “What was that about?"

So far we have Caleb's thoughts but it's all very disembodied. I'd like more details to help set the scene in a physical realm - like does the wooden floor creak and Caleb's knees twinge as he gets up from kneeling on the bare floor? Is he kneeling on an embroidered hassock? Is he sitting in a wooden pew, and the cushion shifts under him as he turns around to see the messenger? Is this a chapel with stained glass windows or plain? Does it affect the light shining on the messenger's gold clasp? You don't have to include all of these, but a little more detail would make this a stronger opening, imo.

A mass of kinky bronze hair popped out from the last doorway, and Sarina turned to face me. “What was that about?"

"Kinky hair" is a loaded phrase, maybe just say curly?

“What’s this?” The old man saw the paper on the floor and stooped down to pick it up, only to stop midway and reach out for the wall to hold himself steady. I picked it up and handed it to him. He held it far from his face and squinted, then looked me up and down with a nod. He scrunched his chin, and his eyes started to water. Finally he took a deep breath and crafted a smile across his lips. “I knew this day would come.”

This is very dry, and gives no indication about Caleb's feelings toward the priest.

“You did?”

There's a real dearth of internal reaction from Caleb about what's just happened. Even if he's shocked and numb, it would be good to show how shocked and numb he is, otherwise the internal world feels empty.

The old friar’s private study was a world cast in yellow through amber windows in a hashed frame.

If he's a friar, he would be Brother, not Father. Also a friar is different to a monk in that friars don't always live in monasteries and will often travel around to serve their communities.

This, however, was crass and brutal, without even an etching on the blade and given wholly to its true purpose: murder.

Is there any disappointment in Caleb at this difference between expectation and reality?

I took a deep breath and let it out, then turned to him. “Yeah.”

This needs to be shown in his inner world, not just through this dialogue.

“I have to go do this war thing. And what about your chores, Teryn?”

I get that he's putting on a brave face here, but because the rest of the narrative is so dry, it's hard for this to come across as a character trait and not insufficient writing.

I smiled wide. “Yeah, man!”

So brave face for his friend as well? Or is this how he really feels and he was pretending to be scared for the friar?

---

I like the world building you have here, and your dialogue has a good pace and energy. The main work needed here is Caleb's internal world because at the moment there's so little information or emotion there it's impossible to get a good read on what kind of person he is. Good start, though!

 

[c37]

Hey ?. i would appreciate your review on my work. Its a dark fantasy with in Aggressor's(demons) pov( not justifying them) i hope it piques your interest. You can skip prologue and go straight to chapter 1, sounds weird I know but chapter 1 is where my main characters and main world is introduced, so it's up to you. However, if you are looking for horror, the prologue perfectly captures it. It is from victim's(dwarf and a human) pov.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2170801/bstard-of-abaddon/

 

[harrydouthwaite]

Here is my little work-in-progress. I have 5 chapters completed for a rough total of 30k words. Horror it is not, nor really historical (unless you consider the mid 2000s as such), but it is set in the UK.

Sixes and Sevens

A Trains On The Brain series story. When you're all at sixes and sevens, you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. That's how twelve-year old Robin feels a lot of the time, but as he enters his preteen years in 2006 his world begins to change in many ways which leads...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Fairemont]

Just adding mine to the pile because it is a fun time.

The Secret Lives of Magical Girls

Under constant threat by malevolent forces bleeding through the fabric of reality, the world must turn to divine guardians chosen by the heavens: magical girls. These young women rise to the occasion and fend off the vile monsters seeking to corrupt and consume all of humanity, but there is...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheGreatOne6000]

How about mine?

A Promise from Me to You

Talent and change, those two define humanity. Yet, Elliot had neither. As a freshman at Laxus Flare Academy, Elliot Elanderin is surrounded by brilliance and exellence you couldn't find anywhere else. Compared to them, or anyone really, Elliot is pathetically ordinary—someone without a defining...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[LiangQingge122]

Would really appreciate your feedback.

The World Is A Harmony

To reach the other world, he had to die. Not permanently, just long enough to pass through. Each method only worked once. Each return left him transformed. He was Held, a warrior. But he was also Haruto, a student. Somewhere between suicide and survival, Haruto was learning that the difference...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Peagreene]

Take this

I might be horribly mixed up, but I'm pretty sure it's a low fantasy. Only five chapters in, so there's nothing but first few chapters here

I'm stuck writhing in bed, no, on a mattress, something like 20 minutes after midnight last I checked. I'm so terribly bored that I can't even fall asleep.

I want to query "writhing" here because that word suggests prolonged, continued movement, like writhing in pain. It doesn't fit with the being too bored to sleep.

Lumbering back into my confines, a bright idea comes to me, and I can't help but laugh at myself.

A few steps back away from the window, then raise up my other hand. With a little flash of blue, fire bursts from the palm of my hand, illuminating the entire room, light spilling out of the open window.

He can't just switch the light on?

I pass by him, heading into the place I called home for all but the past 3 months or so.

With this level of familiarity, I'd expect him to call the old man by his name, not by a descriptor. It immediately puts distance between the characters that jars considering their dialogue.

a pristine bathroom, a comfortable sitting room with a nostalgic fireplace, and a dining room with a table that's unnecessarily long on the first floor. On the second are the three bedrooms, two of which have bathrooms. The one without a bathroom was turned into a guest room.

Do we need to know all this at this point? It distracts from the point of the scene

This is my grandfather and the man who raised me, Doctor Docile Tertias.

Peaceful Third?

Additionally, the house is warm, even in this stormy and chilly winter...

This would be way cooler and more dramatic if it was shown. He knocks at the door, popping his collar against the wind, sheltering himself from the rain, then the door opens and wow it's so warm and cosy inside. At first it seems like oh maybe the dude just has great insulation and then we learn oh neat this is something magical.

I'm almost appalled at my meekness. The idea had been perfectly stewing in my head, but faced with what seemed like disappointment, I had the wind knocked out of me. It had been a while since I'd felt that way, and Docile really was the only one who was capable of it, though unwittingly. Still, I manage to keep my smile on my face. He tilts his head, not taking my proposition seriously.

Weird tenses here.

---

I like this, but I feel there needs to be a more introspective tone or something that shows the narrator's voice and character more clearly.

 

[Failnot]

I want to query "writhing" here because that word suggests prolonged, continued movement, like writhing in pain. It doesn't fit with the being too bored to sleep.


He can't just switch the light on?


With this level of familiarity, I'd expect him to call the old man by his name, not by a descriptor. It immediately puts distance between the characters that jars considering their dialogue.


Do we need to know all this at this point? It distracts from the point of the scene


Peaceful Third?


This would be way cooler and more dramatic if it was shown. He knocks at the door, popping his collar against the wind, sheltering himself from the rain, then the door opens and wow it's so warm and cosy inside. At first it seems like oh maybe the dude just has great insulation and then we learn oh neat this is something magical.


Weird tenses here.

---

I like this, but I feel there needs to be a more introspective tone or something that shows the narrator's voice and character more clearly.

Ty for the review, when I do my look-back over my chapters i'll definitely work on some of this (especially the bit about the insulation)

 

[Peagreene]

The Devil’s Hell | Scribble Hub

I don't like that this is all in italics.

The sound of dripping water and fluorescent lights buzzing above was filling the silence between Steve and I. A draft was moving throughout our building because the insulation in here is shit. Whenever it gets cold, my feet are always the first to go; they just become these ice cubes.

Despite the italics, I like this opening. There's tension bc of the silence between the characters, and a bit of voice in the descriptions.

Fucking thirty-two years… Fuck me.

My mind drifts from topic to topic while pushing papers, waiting for a good five long hours to pass.

But here I'm lost bc I have no idea what's going on. For some reason (my own fault) I pictured the characters sitting on the floor, and by this point there's been no description to visualise the scene. I had no idea they were working in an office.

The workday had ended, and Steve and I went out on the streets of Tokyo. Screens lit up the grey skyscrapers, someone always trying to sell you something. But that’s true with all cities; good old Philly proved that back in the day. With the Tokyo Tower piercing the sky, the sky that was once thought to be the heavens. Just a bunch of bollocks these days, isn’t it?

Tenses are all over the place here.

Guess I've been living here for about fourteen years as well.

He guesses or he knows? This is a weird way to put it.

“You used to be a heavy drinker, right?”

“Right.”

“What did you do about the hangovers?”

When you get rid of the italics, there'll be no way to show who's saying what.

How's the job?”

“Same as always, just damn paper pushing.

They were working next to each other earlier, so why say this? They both know how the job is.

Jesus, when you say something like that, I actually feel old, and I know what we do in the broad sense is rather hard not to. But in the specific sense of if we sell something or work with clients that I have no clue on. Hell, we could be working for a death squad, and I won’t know. I just show up from six to five and finish every paper that stacks upon my desk. Then head back to my apartment to get ready for the same the next day.”

This feels real stilted and exposition-y.

“I was saying that U read the damnest thing the other day…”

U?

“Fucking Christ. Like I was saying, I read this article the other day about these disappearances across the world. Before all of these disappearances, there was always this brilliant ray of light that appeared.”

This is hella random, and the way this is dropped into conversation feels weird. Like either he read it on a legit news website, in which case why isn't he and everyone else panicking, or it was on a fringe weird website in which case he a) believes in because he's into weird fringe news and doesn't mind Steve thinking he's weird about it, b) believes in because he's into weird fringe news but feels self-conscious about it, c) doesn't believe it but is intrigued by it, or d) some other thing. But I don't know which one of these it is because it's such a non sequitur without any internal narration to flesh it out.

We stumble out from the bar/restaurant.

What.

So I did, and I found a quote from Doctor Faustus: "The stars move still, time runs, the clock will strike: The devil will come, and Faustus must be damned!" How much did this cost that crazy bastard?

What are these guys' background that they recognise from Dr Faustus?

“Well, I’ll be damned, you crackhead; I guess you were right.”

Who's saying this to whom?

A feeling that I could only explain as if a thousand cuts all over my body happen to me within a millisecond. They all felt so familial but distant at the same time. As if they were echoes of the future. My mind couldn’t comprehend what was happening, so instead of a screech or a yell, I just stand here in immense pain. The blinding yellow that seems to have been taken from the sun and surrounds me.

Tenses.

In both my pain and confusion, I was standing there like a deer in headlights (excuse the cliché simile).

Who's he apologising to?

---

Sort out your tenses, they're all over the place. I like bits of this, but I have a lot of questions and the gaps feel like lapses in writing rather than measured ways of building tension.

 

[Failnot]

Peaceful Third?

Sorry forgot to ask, but what's this mean?

 

[Peagreene]

Tales of Megacity-0

The City That Time Forgot, Megacity-0 was once a peaceful place, for both Awakened and Non-Awakened, but power can corrupt even the most noble, and it was only a matter of time before the city drowned in it's own blood! Listen to the tales of those who experienced this cruelty...

www.scribblehub.com

Beast Heroes: Bianca’s Genisis

Follow the tale of Bianca Verdant, a 10 year old Awakened Beast Hero as she forges her legacy in a world filled with turmoil and Fear, her kndness and understanding being her greatest weapons as she deals the perks and responsibilities of being an 'Early Bloomer'

www.scribblehub.com

The protagonist isn't too powerful, plus the social chaos between Awakened and Non-Awakened is worth reading about

dude what's up with this landscape-ass formatting

 

[Lmae]

I will toss my glove on the ground. En garde.

Altered One

As an Inquisitor, Casimir has the pleasure of dealing with Weavers. His so-called intellectual betters, blessed with the power of controlling Aether, the master of all elements. But despite all those years of schooling, so many of them can’t seem to pay their damn licensing fees on time! Jett...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Peagreene]

Sorry forgot to ask, but what's this mean?

The grandfather is called Docile Tertias, so I didn't know if you meant it like docile (calm and peaceful) and tertiary (third), and if you did, what that meant.

 

[Failnot]

The grandfather is called Docile Tertias, so I didn't know if you meant it like docile (calm and peaceful) and tertiary (third), and if you did, what that meant.

Ah, no, but apparently it has some kind of numerological association which is actually a very fun coincidence

 

[Peagreene]

Ah, no, but apparently it has some kind of numerological association which is actually a very fun coincidence

The thing to do now is act like you planned that all along