Mildly Unreliable Story Feedback [CLOSED]

great_sloth

a sloth that wants to be great
Joined
May 28, 2024
Messages
168
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78
Cause we're bored and decide to harass all the new people or sleeper agents that start activating and drawing attention to themselves.
You're welcome.

Also, thank you~
I pride myself in my insanity and transfer it to my writing. :blob_sir:
I'm not new though. I just hibernated for two years lol.
 

CinnaSloth

⋆ 🍒 🎀 𝑀𝒶𝒾𝒹𝑒𝓃'𝓈 𝒫𝑒𝓉 🎀 🍒 ⋆
Joined
Nov 20, 2024
Messages
576
Points
108

There you go.
You really wouldn't like my other two. This is the only one I could offer. lol. Please and thank you!
 

Cookiez_N_Potionz

Rank: Moon Leo
Joined
Sep 27, 2024
Messages
444
Points
78
I am bored and kinda want to try this thing. So yeah, let me look at your goodies I'll poison test them and write my prescriptions or something—I'm unreliable though don't expect too much.


Oh yeah, no smut. My junior was already filing complaints, so cut me some slack. Also, no fan-fic cuz I can't relate to some of them. Thanks.

Guess I'm next! ☮️

 

ElijahRyne

A Hermit that’s NOT that Lazy, currentlycomplainen
Joined
Aug 12, 2021
Messages
1,885
Points
153
Same with the first review. I think you're a veteran already! But if I tried to nitpick something it was probably the long paragraphs in the part where he described his ritual. The mood you set in the prologue, the mystery and cultic vibes, were overshadowed by the scientificality of the ritual described. I like it, but it could be more random and bizzare like Amil had to jump 6.5 times or use blood that came from his toes. Next the good one.

The plot hooked me, not gonna lie. I think it is a book that is reliant on your created universe. You wrote a whole dam of books, I'm envious. The weird grape that grew on his wrist was also such a weird thing; I like it, I made a short story about someone with a glowing butt, so weird shits like that interest me.

Next I was surprised when I saw your pen name in the prologue. Mr. Alchemist, what is the secret to gold transmutation? I'm in dire need of gas money.

Next, I thought it was set in a normal world but after planars and whatnot was mentioned, I realized it was in a different world with it's own set of logic. I just don't know if its out in the open rules or something only few people know of.

Next is the characters, I'll mainly focus on Amil. I think he deserved whatever happened to him lol. Who says he had to conduct a ritual? Also did it with such a high improvisation. Does he have a balls of steel? Not only that he's lazy as shit in disposing the used tools, he didn't even used google on what steps to do. He only consulted the Alchemist after he he stubbed his toe. You're such a good tempered person, if I was you I would already blocked him.

Overall, I like your story. The mystery, the email format, and the rituals.

VERDICT: NOT POISON - GOOD FOR LORE-LOVING FOLKS
It takes place in a dimension of this plane. Magical and occult traditions have always existed along side humans. Of you want gold an easy way is to transmute question marks into gold coins. It is fairly simple: ?-> 🪙

The other stories are not needed, but can give a better outlook on what is happening. Especially the textbook on planar alchemy.
 

great_sloth

a sloth that wants to be great
Joined
May 28, 2024
Messages
168
Points
78
First of all... what kind of exam? And how did it go? You finished already? :blob_cookie:

Also, I will give my work into your hands. It is likely poisonous, so be careful.
Also, no problem if it takes some time, I know us slothing people.
Finished one, another one tomorrow. Its Literature and the Environment. I scored high in the multiple choice cuz our teacher basically gave away the answers in her reviewer, I don't know about the essay though. Thanks!
 

TheKillingAlice

Schinken
Joined
Aug 12, 2023
Messages
672
Points
133
Finished one, another one tomorrow. Its Literature and the Environment. I scored high in the multiple choice cuz our teacher basically gave away the answers in her reviewer, I don't know about the essay though. Thanks!
Then I hope tomorrow will be good for you. Good Luck :blob_cookie:
 

great_sloth

a sloth that wants to be great
Joined
May 28, 2024
Messages
168
Points
78

There you go.
You really wouldn't like my other two. This is the only one I could offer. lol. Please and thank you!
It's an ecchi and cousin-cousin tandem!? My imaginations are going wild. We might be both sloths, but you're a different one!

Anyways, you're chapter one is good but I think it's too packed with information. From grannie's death, family problem, Min and Hal's past relationships, too full! I don't think anyone could process that all. Maybe you should've focus on one or two, like grannie and past relationship, then bomb us with those wholesome moments. Also I was waiting for the Isekai part, but it wasn't mentioned at all in the first chapter.

Your characters have a unique names! Minnow and Hallow, they match. I looked at the genres and its not a harem, so they'll end up with each other right? With no side baggages right? The problem is they're related.

You wrote such a good ecchi scene, I think you have probably lot of experience writing those, it teases the young boy in me lol.

As for another critique, its probably in the part where it was explained how Hal ended up in Min's room. It seemed a bit forced and it breaks the immersion cuz of the sudden jumped from the room to some other fragmented scene.

Another one is that I learned new idiom from you, thanks! It was my first time hearing about this:
He was smoking, with a five o’clock shadow that looked unkempt, and scraggly.

Overall, your first chapter established character relationships and the setting of your story.

VERDICT: APHRODISIAC - GOOD FOR ECCHI ENJOYER
 

CinnaSloth

⋆ 🍒 🎀 𝑀𝒶𝒾𝒹𝑒𝓃'𝓈 𝒫𝑒𝓉 🎀 🍒 ⋆
Joined
Nov 20, 2024
Messages
576
Points
108
It's an ecchi and cousin-cousin tandem!? My imaginations are going wild. We might be both sloths, but you're a different one!

Anyways, you're chapter one is good but I think it's too packed with information. From grannie's death, family problem, Min and Hal's past relationships, too full! I don't think anyone could process that all. Maybe you should've focus on one or two, like grannie and past relationship, then bomb us with those wholesome moments. Also I was waiting for the Isekai part, but it wasn't mentioned at all in the first chapter.

Your characters have a unique names! Minnow and Hallow, they match. I looked at the genres and its not a harem, so they'll end up with each other right? With no side baggages right? The problem is they're related.

You wrote such a good ecchi scene, I think you have probably lot of experience writing those, it teases the young boy in me lol.

As for another critique, its probably in the part where it was explained how Hal ended up in Min's room. It seemed a bit forced and it breaks the immersion cuz of the sudden jumped from the room to some other fragmented scene.

Another one is that I learned new idiom from you, thanks! It was my first time hearing about this:


Overall, your first chapter established character relationships and the setting of your story.

VERDICT: APHRODISIAC - GOOD FOR ECCHI ENJOYER
lol Thank you. The first chapter was to familiarize with the issues of the Mc and get to know them a bit; what they're all about.
He dies chapter 2. and 3. and~ 4. and lol.. you get it. xD
 

great_sloth

a sloth that wants to be great
Joined
May 28, 2024
Messages
168
Points
78
Guess I'm next! ☮️

Oh damn another vet'ran! From the moment I read your prologue's poem I already knew that your story would be good!

At first I got confused with character cuz the one in your cover was a black woman with curly black hair, yet in the first one it was tanned blonde. I read your synopsis and find that there seemed to be 2 main PoV's in your story, Sage and The Siblings. I read 2 chapters.

It is year '79 and from the two narratives it is hinted how white supremacists are in power. Though it was not blatant, just subtle critiques.

I think your story is really unique among the LitRpg I've seen. Not only because of the 80's, the guilds, and towers setting, but because you used this kind of emerging genre to give awareness to expectations of society on women at that time; you also used it to explore the racial criticism on those era—you also empowered both fields through your characters, who are going against those expectations.

My only criticism would probably be the Polo game on chapter 1. It was my first time hearing that sport. My poor self couldn't imagine it at all lol. Just kidding! My true criticism, as a reader, was the siblings who had the system seemed to be powerful already or have sufficient resources with them(I'm not really sure, just a guess). The beauty of LitRpg, for me, is the grind and growth of the character—from weak to strong.

Overall, your first two chapters did well in setting up the world and the mcs. Good job.


VERDICT: NOT POISONOUS - PEOPLE WHO GOT TIRED OF USUAL LITRPG NEED TO TRY THIS
 

Nevafrost

A stupid and foolish daughter
Joined
Apr 5, 2024
Messages
893
Points
133
Here goes my unpublished novel-nya :blob_melt:

Fire. Screams.

"You shall perish in the deepest of hells!"

"These rat-bloods!"

"Disgrace to the magical society!"

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

"What's happening?"

Iris woke up with a start, sweating. The skin around where her pendant was touching burned. Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

Iris went to the dining hall in her regular corset to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her makeup.

Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow.

"I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?" Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?" Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

"I think not. Where are you going?"

"We are visiting Raczil to look at what the war has left behind."

"I see you are interested in war, my dear," King Franks said, his reddish eyes sparkling. "I'm so proud of you."

Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, "I apologize for delaying my arrival."

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast."

"That's normal though." They kept bickering.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

"Don't you think they will find out?"asked Harlin, slightly frowning.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them not to find out," said Elina, slowing down to match her pace.

"It's not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out," Aylin said, looking kind of worried.

"Iris?"Aylin said as she pulled Iris by her arm, "Is there anything on your mind?"

"Yes, you have been really silent," Elina mocked her.

"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened."

"Haven’t you been having way too many nightmares lately?" Aylin looked worried.

"Did I tell you it was a nightmare?"

"I can tell," she smiled warmly, "now, tell us what you dreamt about."

"It felt as if I had seen that dream before. Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible."

"Was it the same thing you saw last time?"

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream."

"That's spooky. Maybe you should consult the psychologist," Harlin suggested.

"Hey, I'm not going insane. I don’t need a psychologist."

They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom. Wind blew in through the floor to ceiling windows and the chirping of birds filled the air with a nice vibe.

There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because, of course, the princesses of four of the most powerful kingdoms wouldn’t sit in the same classroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport. But all of them have a long way to go before they can become experts like their parents.

"Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?"asked Alison walking up to them.

"Yes, I have. It was so good. I loved the details about the war. It's interesting."

"I knew you would love it," Alison warmly smiled at her.

Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew," she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though."

Harlin grinned as she sat at her desk, "Even though I wouldn’t mind if he admires me, personally my standard is way too high." Elina rolled her eyes. Irees continued her chatter with Alison as Ayleen sat between Elina and Harlin.

"Will you two stop your dogfighting?"Aylin said, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"Oh, mother! Please forgive us for such brusqueness. We shall never disappoint you again." Elina said, mockingly pleading to Aylin. Aylin pursed her lips.

"I'm not your mother."

"But you sure don"t let me feel the absence of my mother." Harlin burst out laughing. But just then Mr. Rupert entered the classroom.

"Okay, everyone, sit down. Mr. Alison, why are you standing at Ms. Iris"s desk?"

Alison hurried away.

"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom."

...

Later that afternoon,

"We should pack for tomorrow," Harlin said taking a sip from the golden trimmed pink tea cup.

"What are you gonna pack? Makeup kit?" Elina asked as she munched on her apple pie, Cathyon sitting on her lap as she played with her brown hair.

"You know the answer, Eli. By the way, aren’t you gonna pack some food for you?"

"Oh, thanks for the reminder! I gotta ask Brandy for some snacks to carry."

Iris was there reading a book called 'War and Runes', too intent on reading to notice the bickering.

Aylin sat there quietly sipping tea and adoring the beauty of her favourite flowers— violet, iris and whatnot. The western wind was tender against her pale skin. The cool bridge carried the smell of flowers into the tea pavilion.

"Ris, what are you readjng?" Harlin asked.

"Oh, it's the book that Alison gave me," Iris said. Elina rolled her eyes.

"Didn’t you say you are done reading this book?" Aylin asked.

"I lied," Iris replied in don't-give-a-damn way. "But I gotta read this in case he asks me about the contents inside this book."

"Why do you lie about being interested in war? You don't like brutality, Ris."

"Eh, I'm the crown princess. I have to handle wars and stuffs in the future even if I don't like it. Better practise from now."

"And, why do you keep being friendly with that general-boy? I don’t like the way he acts around you. He kinda creeps me out," Elina said devoured another piece of pie.

"You will know, Eli, when the time comes," answered Aylin in Iris's stead.

"Wait- is there something I don't know?" Elina said urging forward.
 

Castoroftheink

New member
Joined
Apr 2, 2026
Messages
12
Points
3
Yes, please!!

 

Cookiez_N_Potionz

Rank: Moon Leo
Joined
Sep 27, 2024
Messages
444
Points
78
Oh damn another vet'ran! From the moment I read your prologue's poem I already knew that your story would be good!

At first I got confused with character cuz the one in your cover was a black woman with curly black hair, yet in the first one it was tanned blonde. I read your synopsis and find that there seemed to be 2 main PoV's in your story, Sage and The Siblings. I read 2 chapters.

It is year '79 and from the two narratives it is hinted how white supremacists are in power. Though it was not blatant, just subtle critiques.

I think your story is really unique among the LitRpg I've seen. Not only because of the 80's, the guilds, and towers setting, but because you used this kind of emerging genre to give awareness to expectations of society on women at that time; you also used it to explore the racial criticism on those era—you also empowered both fields through your characters, who are going against those expectations.

My only criticism would probably be the Polo game on chapter 1. It was my first time hearing that sport. My poor self couldn't imagine it at all lol. Just kidding! My true criticism, as a reader, was the siblings who had the system seemed to be powerful already or have sufficient resources with them(I'm not really sure, just a guess). The beauty of LitRpg, for me, is the grind and growth of the character—from weak to strong.

Overall, your first two chapters did well in setting up the world and the mcs. Good job.


VERDICT: NOT POISONOUS - PEOPLE WHO GOT TIRED OF USUAL LITRPG NEED TO TRY THIS

Hey, I really appreciate your thoughts.
 

Eldoria

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 14, 2025
Messages
1,967
Points
113
Oh damn another vet'ran! From the moment I read your prologue's poem I already knew that your story would be good!

At first I got confused with character cuz the one in your cover was a black woman with curly black hair, yet in the first one it was tanned blonde. I read your synopsis and find that there seemed to be 2 main PoV's in your story, Sage and The Siblings. I read 2 chapters.

It is year '79 and from the two narratives it is hinted how white supremacists are in power. Though it was not blatant, just subtle critiques.

I think your story is really unique among the LitRpg I've seen. Not only because of the 80's, the guilds, and towers setting, but because you used this kind of emerging genre to give awareness to expectations of society on women at that time; you also used it to explore the racial criticism on those era—you also empowered both fields through your characters, who are going against those expectations.

My only criticism would probably be the Polo game on chapter 1. It was my first time hearing that sport. My poor self couldn't imagine it at all lol. Just kidding! My true criticism, as a reader, was the siblings who had the system seemed to be powerful already or have sufficient resources with them(I'm not really sure, just a guess). The beauty of LitRpg, for me, is the grind and growth of the character—from weak to strong.

Overall, your first two chapters did well in setting up the world and the mcs. Good job.


VERDICT: NOT POISONOUS - PEOPLE WHO GOT TIRED OF USUAL LITRPG NEED TO TRY THIS
Dude... I wanted to hold back. But sorry... this time, I can't. I agree with @greyblob his feedback on her fiction. His feedback is quite detailed and constructive.

I hope you and the author @Cookiez_N_Potionz of this fiction read it. I appreciate his constructive feedback... because it will improve the writer's skill if it's truly put into action.

 

great_sloth

a sloth that wants to be great
Joined
May 28, 2024
Messages
168
Points
78
Dude... I wanted to hold back. But sorry... this time, I can't. I agree with @greyblob his feedback on her fiction. His feedback is quite detailed and constructive.

I hope you and the author @Cookiez_N_Potionz of this fiction read it. I appreciate his constructive feedback... because it will improve the writer's skill if it's truly put into action.

Its alright! I mainly reviewed the story through CRT lens and a bit of feminism. I didn't looked at the grammar and sentence structure like greyblob did. I am too lazy lol.
 

great_sloth

a sloth that wants to be great
Joined
May 28, 2024
Messages
168
Points
78
The three stories above, I'm sorry but I don't have extra time now to review them 🙇‍♂️. I just got thrown tons of school works and that devil (thesis) beckoned again after the long holiday. Again I'm sorry! As for those that gave me chance to give feedback, thank you! May your lives be good!

Maybe I'll do this again some time, but for now I'll have to go back and hibernate once more! See ya.
 
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