Low attention span reviews and ratings [Open]

[Failnot]

It's great that this thread's still going strong

 

[Makimaam]

First off, thank you for the offer to critique :D
Always looking for feedback and ways to improve.

Shadows in the Sand (Warhammer 40k)

He came from the sand and the silence, carrying yesterday's ghosts. On Morrak II — a forgotten world choked by dust storms and old war-wounds — survival is a daily negotiation with hunger, rust, and the whims of machine-priests who no longer understand their own relics. Elissa Brandt has kept...

www.scribblehub.com

I would like to start by saying that I am not familiar with Warhammer, as I do not play games. Secondly, fanfic is an entirely different beast to review, because readers are generally more forgiving when they’re already simping for the fandom.

It is often less about plot or structure keeping their attention and more about whether the premise itself interests them. Without having played the game, I cannot say for certain. So please take my words with a grain of salt.

First: the prose—generic, overly descriptive, overly polished. Here are some examples of what I dislike:

Elissa pushed the creaking stove door closed, a faint hiss escaping as the heat met the cool evening air.

she tucked it back with a practiced motion.

Thanks for telling me it’s a practiced motion. Who would have thought.

when the sharp chirp of the vox headset broke the quiet.

Of course, the quiet must always be broken.

Her voice carried a tone of weary authority, already braced for whatever nonsense Riggs and his crew had stirred up this time.

The young man's voice came through, tight with a tension that made her pause.

He said, his voice dropping slightly, as though the man might overhear.

Jacob hesitated, the silence stretching thick and heavy over thevox line.

These reads like watching a movie with closed captions. Yes, those that say [Tentacles Undulating Moistly] [hand unfurling creakily] [epic synth arrangement playing] [Silence silencing heavily]

In short, your sensory descriptions are basically just like decorative check-boxing, “oh, I need to add sight, sound, and touch here and there in everything I describe.”

On top of that, there’s the problem of double-writing and over-explaining. You sprinkled or more accurately, showered every sentence with every adverb you could think of. This shows a lack of trust in the reader, not letting the action or dialogue speak for itself.

Or word padding.
Or something else.

You also constantly, persistently describe the tone of the speakers, whether the MC or side characters. That is not necessary. There is no voice in your prose, because it is formulaic and mechanical.

"Got it, Mom," called Tara, her tone slightly strained as though she had just been in the middle of something.

"Stay inside," Elissa repeated, her voice firm but notunkind. "And for the love of the Emperor, don't get the guns until you hear gunshots."

And again. Never mind. This is where I stopped. Dropped.

I would love to hear feedback about how bad is my work. Shows areas to improve

Link?

 

[ElijahRyne]

There is no strict format for my feedback, but here is my general approach:

1. I read your synopsis, then I read Chapter 1 until I stop. That could be the first paragraph, or it could be the entire chapter. If it interests me, due to personal preference, I will continue to the next chapters.
2. I will tell you why I stopped if I think it might be constructive for you. When I don’t, it is usually along the lines of: I think you have a lot to work on and I am not qualified or patient enough to be your writing coach, or I don’t want to read generic, worldly, unedited AI-assisted content. I won’t use an AI checker, not that they are reliable anyway, so I will not accuse anyone of using it. I simply don’t want to continue reading.
3. If I make it to the end of the first chapter with my low attention span, which is difficult, I will give you a 5-star rating. Even if a piece doesn’t grab me til the end, I’ll give it 5 stars if I think it’s outstanding. I don’t rate anything lower than 5 stars.
4. If I really, really enjoy the work, I will give a constructive (or try to) review, and it can include criticism. But for me to write an essay about it, I have to like it first.

About me:

I am not going to brag about what qualifies me as a feedback giver. I will outright tell you that my feedback is subjective, personal, and it does not necessarily mean you are a bad writer if I stopped reading. It simply means the work did not interest me.

Here is the story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2276316/the-meditations/

 

[GreenStudio]

Care to try my story out?

 

[Nitra_dai]

I would like to start by saying that I am not familiar with Warhammer, as I do not play games. Secondly, fanfic is an entirely different beast to review, because readers are generally more forgiving when they’re already simping for the fandom.

It is often less about plot or structure keeping their attention and more about whether the premise itself interests them. Without having played the game, I cannot say for certain. So please take my words with a grain of salt.

First: the prose—generic, overly descriptive, overly polished. Here are some examples of what I dislike:




Thanks for telling me it’s a practiced motion. Who would have thought.


Of course, the quiet must always be broken.



These reads like watching a movie with closed captions. Yes, those that say [Tentacles Undulating Moistly] [hand unfurling creakily] [epic synth arrangement playing] [Silence silencing heavily]

In short, your sensory descriptions are basically just like decorative check-boxing, “oh, I need to add sight, sound, and touch here and there in everything I describe.”

On top of that, there’s the problem of double-writing and over-explaining. You sprinkled or more accurately, showered every sentence with every adverb you could think of. This shows a lack of trust in the reader, not letting the action or dialogue speak for itself.

Or word padding.
Or something else.

You also constantly, persistently describe the tone of the speakers, whether the MC or side characters. That is not necessary. There is no voice in your prose, because it is formulaic and mechanical.



And again. Never mind. This is where I stopped. Dropped.


Link?

The Bastard Hunter

The story of hunter who once used to be a Royal guard, true patriot and fierce commander. Now all he does is hunt anything and anyone for gold as he tries to run away and bury his past behind. On the way he meets two women who change his life....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Makimaam]

I'll get in line for this, seems fun!

If You Can Hear This, Stop Listening

Nessa Holloway knew that something was wrong in her life, but she just couldn't place it. Something felt distinctly different, even if nothing had changed. She could feel it. One night, as Nessa was closing up at her job, she heard a disembodied voice, as if through the radio. 'If...

www.scribblehub.com

Synopsis
This synopsis basically just repeats what’s in the title, adds the MC’s name, and tells us nothing at all, besides signaling romance.

Note: signaling.

You need a stronger hook if you want readers to actually click into your chapter.

Chapter 1

Nessa Holloway knew that something was different in her life, but she couldn't quite place what that was exactly.

Her job was the same, as was her family, her dingy little apartment — nothing was different, and everybody could agree that was true

The sensation that something had changed in her world started a week before, at first, just a small tickle at the back of her mind that something was off.

But there's nothing different. It never changes.

You know, you could probably combine all of this instead of telling us once, twice, doubling, tripling, quadrupling down on the same idea. Show it through sensation, through one internal monologue, and trust the reader to deduce that yes, for the last time, Susan, something will change.

It was a woman's voice. A sweet voice that sang crystal clear, resonating in her mind. A smooth voice, deep and almost hypnotic, a low growl that resonated in Nessa's chest, flush blooming on her face.

Duplicate.


Overview:

I do like it. Nessa has a relatable voice. Again, it felt like an extended version of the synopsis, but you’ve done a good job fleshing out the MC.

The mystery, though, isn’t breadcrumbed enough. I understand you want to introduce your second protagonist quickly, but I would have preferred the opening to focus solely on Nessa, then gradually deepening mystery.

The voice is already highlighted in the title, highlighted again in the synopsis, then we suddenly learn it somehow originates from Miranda through… a brief scene cut.

It would have been stronger if the audience discovered it alongside Nessa, after she meets Miranda. I know you’re holding things back but I’d rather see breadcrumbs and hooks about how this voice might affect Nessa over time, rather than about its source.

We also don’t know Miranda well enough yet, so the coughing blood moment doesn’t hit as strongly as it should. It feels like something that deserves an entire chapter from her perspective, rather than a brief shortcut. She needs more novel space than this initial cut.

Overall, it’s solid, a little messy but there’s charm. The dialogue reads natural. It’s not groundbreaking yet, but it does give readers enough of a push to keep going.