Low attention span reviews and ratings [Open]

[Makimaam]

Hii, I wanna try dropping my first story for feedback and my perfectionist self wanna I take everythin into account I am nervous not a decent writer, so pls lemme know your opinion!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2267817/fixated/

Synopsis

Worst-case scenario? Sylvia Macaulay, one of the infamous delinquents in the Academy, draws interest in him.

The phrasing here is odd. “Takes an interest in him” works better. It should be either “draws his interest” or “takes an interest in him.”

Facing different challenges like adjusting to his new school life, meeting new personalities and experiences, and discovering places beyond the comforts of his home,

Will he find his friend to seek the truth of her disappearance, or will he lose himself in the Academy's wilderness?

What’s with this incomplete sentence?

Anyway, the synopsis is kind of bland. I do have some concerns about your tags. I already know it’s not to my taste, but let’s get to Chapter 1.


Chapter 1
The POV wobbles. It starts off in the old man’s perspective for some reason, when you could have begun directly with the MC and dropped us in his head from the start. Then we get his internal monologue, which sounds more like an authorial voice than his own perspective.

He was too wary of the whispers made by the students in front of him and their superstitious glances.

You mean suspicious?


Overall impression
Honestly, this is a boring read. You could have deepened the initial mystery to create a stronger hook, but instead we’re led through a slog of a day, meeting various bland characters. The setting is repeatedly called a “wilderness,” but there’s no real breadcrumbing to hint the place is unusual. It just reads like a standard academy.

The novel reads very much like a Japanese WN, and the MC has, frankly, no voice. Neither does the dialogue, which functions as narration. Even though we spend most of the chapter in the MC head, it still feels like an omniscient authorial voice, which makes him hard to relate to. Who is he as a person besides wanting to find his friend and missing home? Right now, he feels like a blank slate, moved around only as the plot demands.

I got bored halfway through and ended up skimming to see if anything interesting would happen, but it concludes with him reporting/ recapping to his uncle about his day. Pretty unnecessary, as the scene neither moves the plot forward nor deepens the reader’s understanding of the character.

There’s still a lot of room for improvement, and the opening chapter needs to be much stronger than this.

 

[DarkCrinkle]

Synopsis

The phrasing here is odd. “Takes an interest in him” works better. It should be either “draws his interest” or “takes an interest in him.”




What’s with this incomplete sentence?

Anyway, the synopsis is kind of bland. I do have some concerns about your tags. I already know it’s not to my taste, but let’s get to Chapter 1.


Chapter 1
The POV wobbles. It starts off in the old man’s perspective for some reason, when you could have begun directly with the MC and dropped us in his head from the start. Then we get his internal monologue, which sounds more like an authorial voice than his own perspective.


You mean suspicious?


Overall impression
Honestly, this is a boring read. You could have deepened the initial mystery to create a stronger hook, but instead we’re led through a slog of a day, meeting various bland characters. The setting is repeatedly called a “wilderness,” but there’s no real breadcrumbing to hint the place is unusual. It just reads like a standard academy.

The novel reads very much like a Japanese WN, and the MC has, frankly, no voice. Neither does the dialogue, which functions as narration. Even though we spend most of the chapter in the MC head, it still feels like an omniscient authorial voice, which makes him hard to relate to. Who is he as a person besides wanting to find his friend and missing home? Right now, he feels like a blank slate, moved around only as the plot demands.

I got bored halfway through and ended up skimming to see if anything interesting would happen, but it concludes with him reporting/ recapping to his uncle about his day. Pretty unnecessary, as the scene neither moves the plot forward nor deepens the reader’s understanding of the character.

There’s still a lot of room for improvement, and the opening chapter needs to be much stronger than this.

Hi, I appreciate your feed back! I guess I still need alot of things to improve as a writer and story all-in-all. And yeah I agree that it's too typical or normal Academy setting in the opening, and I pretty much dragged it a few chapters-ish cuz I don't want to rush things out but yeah it's prolly just me overthinking. ~ Will take note of these for reference when I rewrite/revamp the stuff~

Thankies!