Low attention span reviews and ratings [Open]

[Failnot]

It's great that this thread's still going strong

 

[Makimaam]

First off, thank you for the offer to critique :D
Always looking for feedback and ways to improve.

Shadows in the Sand (Warhammer 40k)

He came from the sand and the silence, carrying yesterday's ghosts. On Morrak II — a forgotten world choked by dust storms and old war-wounds — survival is a daily negotiation with hunger, rust, and the whims of machine-priests who no longer understand their own relics. Elissa Brandt has kept...

www.scribblehub.com

I would like to start by saying that I am not familiar with Warhammer, as I do not play games. Secondly, fanfic is an entirely different beast to review, because readers are generally more forgiving when they’re already simping for the fandom.

It is often less about plot or structure keeping their attention and more about whether the premise itself interests them. Without having played the game, I cannot say for certain. So please take my words with a grain of salt.

First: the prose—generic, overly descriptive, overly polished. Here are some examples of what I dislike:

Elissa pushed the creaking stove door closed, a faint hiss escaping as the heat met the cool evening air.

she tucked it back with a practiced motion.

Thanks for telling me it’s a practiced motion. Who would have thought.

when the sharp chirp of the vox headset broke the quiet.

Of course, the quiet must always be broken.

Her voice carried a tone of weary authority, already braced for whatever nonsense Riggs and his crew had stirred up this time.

The young man's voice came through, tight with a tension that made her pause.

He said, his voice dropping slightly, as though the man might overhear.

Jacob hesitated, the silence stretching thick and heavy over thevox line.

These reads like watching a movie with closed captions. Yes, those that say [Tentacles Undulating Moistly] [hand unfurling creakily] [epic synth arrangement playing] [Silence silencing heavily]

In short, your sensory descriptions are basically just like decorative check-boxing, “oh, I need to add sight, sound, and touch here and there in everything I describe.”

On top of that, there’s the problem of double-writing and over-explaining. You sprinkled or more accurately, showered every sentence with every adverb you could think of. This shows a lack of trust in the reader, not letting the action or dialogue speak for itself.

Or word padding.
Or something else.

You also constantly, persistently describe the tone of the speakers, whether the MC or side characters. That is not necessary. There is no voice in your prose, because it is formulaic and mechanical.

"Got it, Mom," called Tara, her tone slightly strained as though she had just been in the middle of something.

"Stay inside," Elissa repeated, her voice firm but notunkind. "And for the love of the Emperor, don't get the guns until you hear gunshots."

And again. Never mind. This is where I stopped. Dropped.

I would love to hear feedback about how bad is my work. Shows areas to improve

Link?

 

[ElijahRyne]

There is no strict format for my feedback, but here is my general approach:

1. I read your synopsis, then I read Chapter 1 until I stop. That could be the first paragraph, or it could be the entire chapter. If it interests me, due to personal preference, I will continue to the next chapters.
2. I will tell you why I stopped if I think it might be constructive for you. When I don’t, it is usually along the lines of: I think you have a lot to work on and I am not qualified or patient enough to be your writing coach, or I don’t want to read generic, worldly, unedited AI-assisted content. I won’t use an AI checker, not that they are reliable anyway, so I will not accuse anyone of using it. I simply don’t want to continue reading.
3. If I make it to the end of the first chapter with my low attention span, which is difficult, I will give you a 5-star rating. Even if a piece doesn’t grab me til the end, I’ll give it 5 stars if I think it’s outstanding. I don’t rate anything lower than 5 stars.
4. If I really, really enjoy the work, I will give a constructive (or try to) review, and it can include criticism. But for me to write an essay about it, I have to like it first.

About me:

I am not going to brag about what qualifies me as a feedback giver. I will outright tell you that my feedback is subjective, personal, and it does not necessarily mean you are a bad writer if I stopped reading. It simply means the work did not interest me.

Here is the story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2276316/the-meditations/

 

[GreenStudio]

Care to try my story out?

 

[Nitra_dai]

I would like to start by saying that I am not familiar with Warhammer, as I do not play games. Secondly, fanfic is an entirely different beast to review, because readers are generally more forgiving when they’re already simping for the fandom.

It is often less about plot or structure keeping their attention and more about whether the premise itself interests them. Without having played the game, I cannot say for certain. So please take my words with a grain of salt.

First: the prose—generic, overly descriptive, overly polished. Here are some examples of what I dislike:




Thanks for telling me it’s a practiced motion. Who would have thought.


Of course, the quiet must always be broken.



These reads like watching a movie with closed captions. Yes, those that say [Tentacles Undulating Moistly] [hand unfurling creakily] [epic synth arrangement playing] [Silence silencing heavily]

In short, your sensory descriptions are basically just like decorative check-boxing, “oh, I need to add sight, sound, and touch here and there in everything I describe.”

On top of that, there’s the problem of double-writing and over-explaining. You sprinkled or more accurately, showered every sentence with every adverb you could think of. This shows a lack of trust in the reader, not letting the action or dialogue speak for itself.

Or word padding.
Or something else.

You also constantly, persistently describe the tone of the speakers, whether the MC or side characters. That is not necessary. There is no voice in your prose, because it is formulaic and mechanical.



And again. Never mind. This is where I stopped. Dropped.


Link?

The Bastard Hunter

The story of hunter who once used to be a Royal guard, true patriot and fierce commander. Now all he does is hunt anything and anyone for gold as he tries to run away and bury his past behind. On the way he meets two women who change his life....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Makimaam]

I'll get in line for this, seems fun!

If You Can Hear This, Stop Listening

Nessa Holloway knew that something was wrong in her life, but she just couldn't place it. Something felt distinctly different, even if nothing had changed. She could feel it. One night, as Nessa was closing up at her job, she heard a disembodied voice, as if through the radio. 'If...

www.scribblehub.com

Synopsis
This synopsis basically just repeats what’s in the title, adds the MC’s name, and tells us nothing at all, besides signaling romance.

Note: signaling.

You need a stronger hook if you want readers to actually click into your chapter.

Chapter 1

Nessa Holloway knew that something was different in her life, but she couldn't quite place what that was exactly.

Her job was the same, as was her family, her dingy little apartment — nothing was different, and everybody could agree that was true

The sensation that something had changed in her world started a week before, at first, just a small tickle at the back of her mind that something was off.

But there's nothing different. It never changes.

You know, you could probably combine all of this instead of telling us once, twice, doubling, tripling, quadrupling down on the same idea. Show it through sensation, through one internal monologue, and trust the reader to deduce that yes, for the last time, Susan, something will change.

It was a woman's voice. A sweet voice that sang crystal clear, resonating in her mind. A smooth voice, deep and almost hypnotic, a low growl that resonated in Nessa's chest, flush blooming on her face.

Duplicate.


Overview:

I do like it. Nessa has a relatable voice. Again, it felt like an extended version of the synopsis, but you’ve done a good job fleshing out the MC.

The mystery, though, isn’t breadcrumbed enough. I understand you want to introduce your second protagonist quickly, but I would have preferred the opening to focus solely on Nessa, then gradually deepening mystery.

The voice is already highlighted in the title, highlighted again in the synopsis, then we suddenly learn it somehow originates from Miranda through… a brief scene cut.

It would have been stronger if the audience discovered it alongside Nessa, after she meets Miranda. I know you’re holding things back but I’d rather see breadcrumbs and hooks about how this voice might affect Nessa over time, rather than about its source.

We also don’t know Miranda well enough yet, so the coughing blood moment doesn’t hit as strongly as it should. It feels like something that deserves an entire chapter from her perspective, rather than a brief shortcut. She needs more novel space than this initial cut.

Overall, it’s solid, a little messy but there’s charm. The dialogue reads natural. It’s not groundbreaking yet, but it does give readers enough of a push to keep going.

 

[Castoroftheink]

Oh, man, yes please!

Gaia Gone

Nature wants to evolve. The Government and Big Pharma are making a profit by stopping it. In the middle of it all, are regular people, going about their lives, trying to live the best they can. Who needs a hero when you got neighbors like these?

www.scribblehub.com

 

[HydraScribe_1]

Hi! Im a new author so any feedback is much appreciated. Thanks.

Spoiler: My Work

Villainess of Stolen Destinies

Lilithra’s story should have ended on Earth. One moment she was a tired young woman with a life going nowhere, and the next she was waking up in the dying body of a succubus villainess — a girl whose fate had already been sealed long before she arrived. The original...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Makimaam]

I'm guessing I will line up to be destroyed.
Please look at this one, kind Ma'am.
I thank you very much for the work you put in.

The Crazy Daughter of the Duke’s Family

[Revision of Season 1 not yet finished; Season 2 starting time rolled back / 9th of April, 2026] All She Wanted, Was to Live - Death Gave Her a Second Chance Celia had fought creatures called 'Visitors' for as long as she could remember. Together with Pan, a Visitor of Special Grade himself...

www.scribblehub.com

Synopsis
Your synopsis is actually strong. The fact that the MC comes from a supernatural world herself before transmigration is quite the hook. It signals that she’s competent without stating so, and how she adjusts would make for an interesting read. I do like this particular opening line:

“All She Wanted Was to Live - Death Gave Her a Second Chance.”

Prologue-Chapter 1
The first thing I want to say is don’t get me wrong, it is well written in a way that not only tells us the MC’s previous life but also her personality, making her relatable.

BUT

It overstays its welcome. We were sold the transmigration part, but what we get is an extended flashback with events that will no longer be relevant once she transmigrates. My preference is to have each snippet of her past be reminiscent in a way that directly ties to the current events of the story, if relevant, not as a front-loaded chonk.

They had done so much and got so far, but in the end... it didn't even matter.

Sorry. I laughed. Anyway.

The prologue is fine. My pet peeve is actually in Chapter 1. You have delayed the transmigration, but what we have next is more world-building on the world that’s about to be irrelevant. As an impatient reader, you sold me one world but spend too long to get there.
Is VAULT relevant? Are any of these characters relevant yet? As a new reader, I’m not sure and assume they aren’t. They are only relevant if they explain or directly impact her decisions in her second life when it comes to it. For now, it reads like a prequel stapled onto the front.

At this point, I’m just skimming Chapter 1 because I am curious about the villainess promise.



Chapter 2
This is your original prologue, and something I would much prefer to have read first, or after reading a shortened version of the new prologue. It does many things at once and faster. It tells us who Celia is and was, makes us empathize with her, makes her relatable enough to care about her abrupt death, preparing for the expected transmigration.


Chapter 3

This is when she’s transmigrated, but the pacing is slow. Much slower than I would have liked. Since it took 4 chapters to get there, I would expect a hook to appear here. Instead it’s just an extended sequence of Celia waking up in Rowena’s body.

You spent so much time describing the setting for the sake of describing it. A trained soldier who has just returned from death and is waking up disoriented surely wouldn’t spend so much time admiring the surroundings, the materials, the flowers, but would focus more on finding exits and escape plans. The disorientation is told in words but not actually felt or shown through her voice. Tbh, I skimmed this part too.

Overall: Your prose is competent, no doubt. You establish rich sensory details and a relatable character. However, the hook hasn’t arrived fast enough and the story doesn’t get to the point quickly. By the time it does, I have already added it to my reading list and let it bury under other things I’m planning to read but will most likely not get around to.


Do I rate it 5 stars? You did have a strong synopsis and made me want to keep clicking next. So yes.

5 stars to you.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

Sorry. I laughed. Anyway.

This was so on purpose. I had an obvious Gate, and I couldn't help myself.

It overstays its welcome. We were sold the transmigration part, but what we get is an extended flashback with events that will no longer be relevant once she transmigrates. My preference is to have each snippet of her past be reminiscent in a way that directly ties to the current events of the story, if relevant, not as a front-loaded chonk.

The thing is, a new reader put out that the addition of the "enhanced" beginning didn't give a lot either way. So I'm currently pondering to roll the change back - not entirely, because there is a bit above the original Prologue that I wish to keep in the book, which is the banter in the room before she visits the grave. But yeah, I'm not one to easily get influenced by something a single person says, but there was a reason why she initially just stands at the grave, to set a mirror scene up at the end of book one and another scene where she reflects on herself and her life in Season Two - and then she just drops the fuck dead. So, I'm kind of inclined to immediately change it. I mean, I'm nothing if not someone who always needs to go through the wall at a moment's notice, I guess.

You spent so much time describing the setting for the sake of describing it. A trained soldier who has just returned from death and is waking up disoriented surely wouldn’t spend so much time admiring the surroundings, the materials, the flowers, but would focus more on finding exits and escape plans. The disorientation is told in words but not actually felt or shown through her voice. Tbh, I skimmed this part too.

That is something I contemplated. In the end, she spares a look at everything and walks through immediately; the things I do explain probably seem much, but they happen at a glance. She walks into a room, scans it once, doesn't touch anything, and walks out. She sees unnatural flowers, looks closer, and sees they are fake. But I probably need to translate it more into action. My main focus for her was to try to understand where she is, because she doesn't even know if she's on enemy territory and what's going on around her. She had been in this situation of complete disorientation before, and I know that, but I guess that could actually help by bringing it up?

Anyway, I thank you very much for sparing the focus and telling me your thoughts. It helps a lot, since I'm currently translating it back into my native language, and I do want to beat it into shape first.
Thank you, kind Ma'am Have a Cookie.

She had been in this situation of complete disorientation before

I don't know, but I feel like I should clarify that: When she was seven, she lost her memories of her entire life; she stood in the middle of a city in shambles, was taken by military men and locked in a dark, cold room with a creepy eldritch monster (a reader called them that and I stole it) until she made a contract with it, which entailed her heart being ripped out while fully conscious. That's what I meant - she may get anxious with decisions to make and feel fear nonetheless, but she doesn't easily fly into a panic, especially when the surroundings don't seem threatening at all.
Now that I know it's a problem, I'll see how I can change that up real fast.

 

[Makimaam]

I don't know, but I feel like I should clarify that: When she was seven, she lost her memories of her entire life; she stood in the middle of a city in shambles, was taken by military men and locked in a dark, cold room with a creepy eldritch monster (a reader called them that and I stole it) until she made a contract with it, which entailed her heart being ripped out while fully conscious. That's what I meant - she may get anxious with decisions to make and feel fear nonetheless, but she doesn't easily fly into a panic, especially when the surroundings don't seem threatening at all.
Now that I know it's a problem, I'll see how I can change that up real fast.

Even if she spared it a quick glance, it was described at length and seems meant to be viewed at length as well, especially since it’s written in limited 3rd person POV.

I wouldn’t think you need to add much more context to lengthen the scene either. What you need is for her to quickly assess, as you said, whether she’s in a risky environment, then move through the space logically.

Maybe I’m one of those who prefers efficiency, perhaps overly so, but for me, writing a disoriented mindset involves both showing and telling. Tell it through internal monologue, and show it through the course of action, not just through adjectives describing how someone feels.

 

[Kazehiro]

There is no strict format for my feedback, but here is my general approach:

1. I read your synopsis, then I read Chapter 1 until I stop. That could be the first paragraph, or it could be the entire chapter. If it interests me, due to personal preference, I will continue to the next chapters.
2. I will tell you why I stopped if I think it might be constructive for you. When I don’t, it is usually along the lines of: I think you have a lot to work on and I am not qualified or patient enough to be your writing coach, or I don’t want to read generic, worldly, unedited AI-assisted content. I won’t use an AI checker, not that they are reliable anyway, so I will not accuse anyone of using it. I simply don’t want to continue reading.
3. If I make it to the end of the first chapter with my low attention span, which is difficult, I will give you a 5-star rating. Even if a piece doesn’t grab me til the end, I’ll give it 5 stars if I think it’s outstanding. I don’t rate anything lower than 5 stars.
4. If I really, really enjoy the work, I will give a constructive (or try to) review, and it can include criticism. But for me to write an essay about it, I have to like it first.

About me:

I am not going to brag about what qualifies me as a feedback giver. I will outright tell you that my feedback is subjective, personal, and it does not necessarily mean you are a bad writer if I stopped reading. It simply means the work did not interest me.

I don't know if you would read an early that starts the begining of story or not. But If you do, could you also do my story :

After Returning From Another World, My Sister Became Obsessed With Me [Rework]

'What is the most precious thing in the world? For me, it was 'home' ... until I burned it to the ground.' A single mistake I've done cost me everything, my parents' lives, my face scarred by Disgusting burns, and my sister’s ability to walk. For years, Rika looked...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheKillingAlice]

Even if she spared it a quick glance, it was described at length and seems meant to be viewed at length as well, especially since it’s written in limited 3rd person POV.

I wouldn’t think you need to add much more context to lengthen the scene either. What you need is for her to quickly assess, as you said, whether she’s in a risky environment, then move through the space logically.

Maybe I’m one of those who prefers efficiency, perhaps overly so, but for me, writing a disoriented mindset involves both showing and telling. Tell it through internal monologue, and show it through the course of action, not just through adjectives describing how someone feels.

Well, I just went through the first chapter, trying to see it through the lens of what is or isn't important to the objective of the scene.
As for that matter, she isn't actually that disoriented. She gathers herself up at the beginning, coming to the conclusion that everything is completely beyond her, because she sees herself and it's not herself. So she moves on with that mindset, of trying to figure out where she is and if she is in danger.
That's what I'm currently trying to crystalize, because that's what the scene is about.

 

[Makimaam]

Hi! If you have some time, please take a look at this. It's a grimdark Slavic fantasy, so I was aiming for a The Boys meets The Witcher kind of vibe. Any feedback is much appreciated

Pyre of the Blind Gods

Nayden's fingers slipped on his slashed side, blood leaking between them. 'This is only... a test,' the boy rasped, staring at the ash-choked sky. 'The Light will...' The Whisperer stepped back, avoiding the sticky red cobblestones. 'The puddle beneath you has a different opinion,' he noted...

www.scribblehub.com

This is a quick one.

Nayden frowned as he heard his boots crunch on the frozen snow. From the valley below, the sound of drums and drunken shouts echoed on the wind like an echo from another world.

Boy walks in the snow.
Boy hears drums and drunken shouts.
Boy compares them to echoes from another world.
Please tell me he’s delulu. It would make more sense to me.

"You're a masquerader in gilded plate," he cackled, turning to his companions. "In the name of the Order, you can refill my glass, sweetie," he muttered to his companion, turning his back to the guard.

If you told me a noble said this, I wouldn’t blink twice. But coming from a drunken, bearded man? Please. He’s more eloquent than I am.

I have a serious issue with your prose. You aimed for moody but settled on melodrama, and, when strung together, the sentences make no sense, incongruent, overwrought.

Dropped.