Low attention span reviews and ratings [Closed]

[c37]

Sure. Chapter 1:


Buildings sliding past? Odd phrasing. Unless he has super speed.



Florid phrasing for something as mundane as someone whistling.



Needs italicized for thought.




So the boy’s name is Aegis? Weird place to first drop his name. Right at the end of a scene description paragraph.




Awkward phrasing continues.

Overall impression: odd phrasing in place, unlikable character to follow. Everything tries too hard to be violent but doesn’t actually make me care because Aegis could die the next moment, and I couldn’t care less. Also, he’s just watching a fight. That further distances me from this opening chapter.

The synopsis is a bait-and-switch. At the start it made me believe the paladin is a main character. I would have preferred that to be true, only to be whipped by the end of the synopsis by an implication that he is dead and his son is to carry his torch. That was disappointing, since your true MC barely even makes an appearance in that synopsis.

Would I continue? No.

The prose needs a lot of work, the sentences are staccato without much variation, the story started off boring as hell despite trying hard to be violent. Violence is loud but without an emotional anchor, it’s just noise.

The MC is the worst part of the opening chapter. Who would want to follow a flat, shallow boy who’s excited about skull-smashing with no purpose, no goals, no interiority?

The problem isn’t a lack of morality. You can create a villainous lead that readers find irresistible, but this isn’t the case here. Sure one can argue that the Mc has room for growth, but hint at it. Here we have him thrilled to hear skulls cracking and excited to see blood spray, despite being a lowlife thief. Readers aren’t going to wait around for him to grow when he doesn’t even engage them in his opening.

I don't think you'll take a look again. But I have rewritten chapter 1 with your criticism in mind.

 

[babywrath]

My first chapter is pretty solid but you'll definitely drop by the 2nd.

Great Journey: Whims of Fate

 

[Makimaam]

I don't think you'll take a look again. But I have rewritten chapter 1 with your criticism in mind.

Yes, much better.

Ninety-four silver, six more, and I won’t be dragged back by the collar tonight.

Aegis, a young cambion with four horns, walked down a stone road. Gray-black buildings passed as his lean figure moved forward. His burning red pupils, swallowed by black sclera, followed the pouch in his hand.

 

[c37]

umm, there is something wrong with your reply, only half of it is being shown. Idk if you intended to review my new chapter or not.

 

[Makimaam]

umm, there is something wrong with your reply, only half of it is being shown. Idk if you intended to review my new chapter or not. View attachment 47091

No, that was all there was to it. But if you want more praise, here it is:

Your opening single-handedly addressed the major issue I originally had with your chapter. I find it impressive that you were able to resolve it naturally without losing the core structure of your opening.

You have turned Aegis into someone more relatable and easier to root for and you made the fight more personal by linking it to his own stakes, rather than having him simply act as a spectator in his own chapter. Well done.

 

[c37]

No, that was all there was to it. But if you want more praise, here it is:

Your opening single-handedly addressed the major issue I originally had with your chapter. I find it impressive that you were able to resolve it naturally without losing the core structure of your opening.

You have turned Aegis into someone more relatable and easier to root for, and you made the fight more personal by linking it to his own stakes, rather than having him simply act as a spectator in his own chapter. Well done.

You don't know how good it felt to read that I fixed something. Thank you for reading.

 

[Makimaam]

Hi, if you don't mind please review my work. I need some feedback about my writing: ad finem amore

You know how this reads to me, don’t you? But fine. If you want feedback, I’ll give you a brief one:

-Cut down the melodrama. There is nothing wrong with a story with an introspective lead, but this verges on being overly dramatic without that honest, human voice from the MC. Lines like this are performative, not to mention unoriginal:

The ache in my chest turned into a sharp, twisting blade. I closed my eyes, unable to look at her pure, devastating empathy.

My chest seized. The familiar, hollow ache started to throb behind my ribs.

- The dialogue gave me goosebumps, and not in a good way. No one speaks this way. Ever. This reads like a recital from a soap opera. Don’t believe me? Read these out loud:

“Despite everything we did... in every corner, on every piece of furniture in your loft... this balcony is the only place we never touched." She looked out at the rain. "This is the only space where you always sit alone. With that sadness in your eyes."

"You never treated me poorly. You always made me feel beautiful. Even though I knew... I knew it was empty."

-The synopsis does not fit the genre here in SH. This story isn’t fantasy, and it didn’t reveal much about the plot other than that it’s about a man pining over a woman. If popularity isn’t your goal, then disregard this line of feedback.

 

[Daeron]

You know how this reads to me, don’t you? But fine. If you want feedback, I’ll give you a brief one:

-Cut down the melodrama. There is nothing wrong with a story with an introspective lead, but this verges on being overly dramatic without that honest, human voice from the MC. Lines like this are performative, not to mention unoriginal:





- The dialogue gave me goosebumps, and not in a good way. No one speaks this way. Ever. This reads like a recital from a soap opera. Don’t believe me? Read these out loud:

I see, is it too dramatic yes?

-The synopsis does not fit the genre here in SH. This story isn’t fantasy, and it didn’t reveal much about the plot other than that it’s about a man pining over a woman. If popularity isn’t your goal, then disregard this line of feedback.

Yes, i know this is not popular genre in here. But since it was my first writing, i'll keep this story posted here as memory.

Thank you for the feedback!

 

[Makimaam]

Beneath the Crown

Born of royal blood but raised in shadows, she lives among the streets. A bright, reckless spirit with a hidden past and a secret only her sister knows. Careless, curious, and untamed, she has no interest in kingdoms, crowns, or fate. A streetwise troublemaker with a secret past, she hides...

www.scribblehub.com

could u give mine some feedback too

Chapter 1:

In the gleaming heart of the royal capital where even the cobblestones were polished enough to reflect the endless sky there came a shriek, a crash, and then a burst of what could only be described as floral-scented chaos.

I want to stop reading right here.

First, the prose. It grates on me immediately.

Second, the logic. Cobblestones polished enough to reflect the sky? That’s a safety hazard, not to mention almost never possible given the composition of cobblestones. You know what they’re designed for, right? This kind of exaggeration is mechanical.

A streak of whitish-blonde whipped past him followed by a splash from a nearby fountain and left a trail of cherries Suzan had swiped from someone's fruit cart..

Mouthful sentence.

The same kind of unoriginal prose stayed that way as my eyes skimmed down the page. The kind with excessive adjectives, the kind that makes comedy performative rather than genuine.

Like these:

Suzan didn't stop. Suzan never stopped.

Thirteen years old, with green eyes that looked like they were constantly deciding whether to trust you, rob you, or possibly adopt you as a sidekick.

Herclothes looked royal-adjacent until you realized the jacket had different buttons and the trousers belonged to two completely different sets.

You realized?

And then theres the floral-scented chaos, whitish-blonde streak, stylish squirrel. Please.

Shadows whispered. Footsteps asked questions. Windows blinked golden stories behind curtains too expensive to exist.

My tapping asked a question too: why am I still wasting my time critiquing this?


Dropped.

 

[blushiemagic]

I've been editing these endlessly for the past couple weeks, and need an excuse to do even more endless editing.
Also haven't figured out how to fix the slow start in chapters 1-2... let's see how bad it is.

Spoiler: Synopsis

By day, Thomas lives a hollow life, studying for a postgraduate degree and struggling to care when the war threatens to topple all that he’s worked for. By night, he suffers visceral nightmares, a sharp contrast to the numbness of his waking life.

But one morning, a new dream that feels more real than anything else offers a retreat from the terrors. He's thrown for a loop when the dream changes him into not one, but two girls. Now named Rayna and Lillian, they quickly find themselves thrust into both sides of a conflict between order and chaos. But now they’ve got awesome magic, and hey, anything’s better than the nightmares!

Or so they think, until the lines between dream and reality begin to blur, and their newfound refuge melts away. Unbeknownst to them, Rayna and Lillian are about to change both dreamworld and reality forever. And as they will soon discover, their old nightmares aren't done with them just yet…

Prologue (Will merge into chapter 1 when I finally post it in probably a year): https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/cf843f5e-f819-43ea-b77e-bdecf6a642ba
Chapter 1: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/c9dace26-981a-4dae-8157-d5f238f2c9f0
Chapter 2: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/6d5728a9-a651-4adf-85f6-61db76fd6f1a
Chapter 3: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/c02bc959-eb20-40e5-9fae-4bd4f0807c6d
Chapter 4: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/081eb8e9-541e-4b8d-aca9-403ae856b31b
Chapter 5: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/ea835c86-1aa9-4897-af48-fdb15e710c12

 

[Makimaam]

Hello,

I read your offer for feedback, and I really appreciate your approach. It's honest, respectful, and I like that you're clear about your own subjectivity. Thank you for taking the time to help new writers.

If your offer is still open, I'd be grateful if you could take a look at my series: Magical Exploration in a Fantasy World

This story means a lot to me. I'm trying to build a coherent world, characters who grow slowly but meaningfully, and a magic system with internal logic. The first arc follows Ciel, a reincarnated boy, as he discovers his place in a family of mages, the weight of expectations placed on him, and the cost of being different.

I'm aware the pacing might feel slow at first — that's a deliberate choice to establish foundations and build attachment to the characters. But of course, it won't work for everyone, and that's exactly why your feedback interests me.

You mentioned you read "until you stop." If you do stop, I'd be curious to know where and why, if you have a moment to share. If you make it through the first chapter, I hope it manages to hold your attention.

Either way, thank you for offering this. It's initiatives like yours that make writing communities valuable.

Happy reading, if you find the time to dive in.

-
Alright.

Synopsis : The story follows Ciel, a boy reincarnated into a noble family of fire mages. When his magic fails in a spectacular way, he's cast out and must find his own path. It's a slow-burn character study with a focus on internal development and world-building.

That’s all? Where’s, you know, the rest of it? Can it BE any more generic?

Chapter 1:

Can the prose BE any more unoriginal?

The coffered ceiling of the family chamber gazed back at him, as usual. Yet, this morning, everything was different.

Lol. I’d be afraid too if my ceiling stared back at me.

The voice made him start.

Start? Start what? More like stop.
This is where I stopped.

 

[Makimaam]

My first chapter is pretty solid but you'll definitely drop by the 2nd.

Great Journey: Whims of Fate

Synopsis:

Yes. It is solid, with enough details to differentiate your story amongst the sea of OP LitRPG harem. It has market appeal on Scribblehub.

Chapter 1:

“Thanks for making this painless,” I said. “Say hi to your yoga instructor for me.”

“Thanks for giving up the house and the car,” she said. “Say hi to your secretary for me.”

I like the humor here. The opening is immediately fun to read.

I left the lawyer’s office, made my way to the elevator, and took it all the way down to the ground floor before going for a walk. I crossed the street, headed to the park, and picked out a bench overlooking a busy sidewalk where people and cars flowed past like a restless current. I took a seat and slumped onto the bench, releasing all the tension in my body.

This is a lot of “I do this, this, and this.” Repeated. Vary your sentence structure.

The scene where he witnesses the couple in the park is where pacing begins to drag. Sure, I know your intent. You want to show us how observant he is, but there’s a fine line between being observant and slowing the story while, intentionally or not, painting your character as a condescending Sherlock wanabe who makes wild assumptions about strangers he sees.

Those following paragraphs translated in my head as: “blah blah blah, but the cheated wife will turn money-grubbing evil, blah blah blah, she will take the cheater’s hard-earned money after he works himself to the bone…”

Bruh.

All that projection from a smear of lipstick? Also, try to make those characters less generic and less like caricatures.

Every now and then, I get these premonitions, flashes of how people's lives might unfold, just from observing their unguarded interactions.

Right. So it isn’t projection, but some sort of ability. To be honest, those earlier paragraphs almost made me drop the story, if not for the strong opening. Make it clear through sensory detail rather showing it as a muted "oh by the way y'all, it’s my power” after making readers sit through the MC’s monotonous monologue, which I initially read like assumptions piling on top of each other.

In other words, the power reveal lands too late and too softly for low-patience readers to recontextualize the scene. Still, his judgment is awfully detailed for a “flash” of premonition.

Overall, it is readable. The character voice is there, but not prominent enough. But it gives a decent intrigue, if the reader is patient enough to read through the projection and catch the hint of the MC’s hidden power that is.

 

[TinaMigarlo]

You know how this reads to me, don’t you? But fine. If you want feedback, I’ll give you a brief one:

-Cut down the melodrama. There is nothing wrong with a story with an introspective lead, but this verges on being overly dramatic without that honest, human voice from the MC. Lines like this are performative, not to mention unoriginal:





- The dialogue gave me goosebumps, and not in a good way. No one speaks this way. Ever. This reads like a recital from a soap opera. Don’t believe me? Read these out loud:





-The synopsis does not fit the genre here in SH. This story isn’t fantasy, and it didn’t reveal much about the plot other than that it’s about a man pining over a woman. If popularity isn’t your goal, then disregard this line of feedback.

the sentences you picked out, seem to be fairly well constructed. as well as somewhat... poetic.
If there is some fine line between "purple prose" and "poetic", its not that bad a stab at it.
a little melodramatic, sure. But if the author hits and holds that, it might really read well and shine.

I'm almost curious enough to read a chapter of that now.
some authors can really nail a poetic vibe, and hold onto it.
one man's terrorist, is another man's freedom fighter.
if performative and melodramatic might be some form of beauty to another person, its possible.

just food for thought.
those sentences, all seemed to evoke some sort of "bittersweet".
maybe it doesn't have a "place" among litrpg's and OP MC's.
but there are times and places where that might be considered artistic.

 

[Makimaam]

I've been editing these endlessly for the past couple weeks, and need an excuse to do even more endless editing.
Also haven't figured out how to fix the slow start in chapters 1-2... let's see how bad it is.

Oh no! You disabled copy and paste. How am I going to quote you now?

Anyway.

Reincarnated into two female bodies? The premise sounds fun. The first few paragraphs of the prologue set a visceral atmosphere and show competent prose. But it doesn’t really create much intrigue. There was a zombie apocalypse and our MC could fly. The entire chapter is just one action after another, ending with the MC falling unconscious, then it turns out to be a nightmare.

Not a hook.

While the scenes are atmospheric and well-written, the length overstays its welcome, especially since the real hook is when the MC splits into two bodies. Chapter 1 is already long, establishing the war and your character, so merging them as-is would drag the pacing, unless you trim unnecessary action in the prologue.

If I were to suggest a different approach, it would be to break the nightmare into recurring flashes throughout Chapter 1, showing the MC experiencing the same nightmare at night and then returning to daily life. It is a difficult task, but I think you can pull it off.

The ending currently drags with skill discovery and exposition that could be saved for the next chapter. End instead with a punchier, hookier moment, perhaps teasing how this dream might connect to reality as your synopsis suggests. Right now, it reads like a dream with no stakes.

Overall, polished work, professional grade, and it will find its audience on RoyalRoad if you skillfully hit their meta’s soft spot.

 

[babywrath]

Synopsis:

Yes. It is solid, with enough details to differentiate your story amongst the sea of OP LitRPG harem. It has market appeal on Scribblehub.

Chapter 1:


I like the humor here. The opening is immediately fun to read.



This is a lot of “I do this, this, and this.” Repeated. Vary your sentence structure.

The scene where he witnesses the couple in the park is where pacing begins to drag. Sure, I know your intent. You want to show us how observant he is, but there’s a fine line between being observant and slowing the story while, intentionally or not, painting your character as a condescending Sherlock wanabe who makes wild assumptions about strangers he sees.

Those following paragraphs translated in my head as: “blah blah blah, but the cheated wife will turn money-grubbing evil, blah blah blah, she will take the cheater’s hard-earned money after he works himself to the bone…”

Bruh.

All that projection from a smear of lipstick? Also, try to make those characters less generic and less like caricatures.


Right. So it isn’t projection, but some sort of ability. To be honest, those earlier paragraphs almost made me drop the story, if not for the strong opening. Make it clear through sensory detail rather showing it as a muted "oh by the way y'all, it’s my power” after making readers sit through the MC’s monotonous monologue, which I initially read like assumptions piling on top of each other.

In other words, the power reveal lands too late and too softly for low-patience readers to recontextualize the scene. Still, his judgment is awfully detailed for a “flash” of premonition.

Overall, it is readable. The character voice is there, but not prominent enough. But it gives a decent intrigue, if the reader is patient enough to read through the projection and catch the hint of the MC’s hidden power that is.

Thanks for the review. If you can push through that part, I think most readers will be able to get past it and reach the end of the first chapter, where the more interesting hooks appear. For example, his parents know he is a hero and a reincarnator. There is also the mysterious situation involving the goddess. And finally, his “parents” are planning to leave him as the duke to take their place.

The initial rush of action was meant to feel like someone running before the tension in his body releases, shown rather than told. The first couple were meant to be his own judgment, while the second couple were supposed to be his special ability, which is why it only appears as a brief flash. It’s simply an image of the happy couple with their three children and the impression that they lived a fulfilling life.

It’s unfortunate that you didn’t reach his death, the goddess scene, which might have lost you but helps build his character, or the discussion with his new parents and his situation. Still, thanks for giving it a try.

 

[Makimaam]

Thanks for the review. If you can push through that part, I think most readers will be able to get past it and reach the end of the first chapter, where the more interesting hooks appear. For example, his parents know he is a hero and a reincarnator. There is also the mysterious situation involving the goddess. And finally, his “parents” are planning to leave him as the duke to take their place.

The initial rush of action was meant to feel like someone running before the tension in his body releases, shown rather than told. The first couple were meant to be his own judgment, while the second couple were supposed to be his special ability, which is why it only appears as a brief flash. It’s simply an image of the happy couple with their three children and the impression that they lived a fulfilling life.

It’s unfortunate that you didn’t reach his death, the goddess scene, which might have lost you but helps build his character, or the discussion with his new parents and his situation. Still, thanks for giving it a try.

Oh, to be clear, I read through everything. But toward the end I was mostly just skimming because I don’t quite like the MC enough. To be honest, I did like him at the beginning. His wild judgment just killed it for me.

 

[blushiemagic]

Oh no! You disabled copy and paste. How am I going to quote you now?

Anyway.

Reincarnated into two female bodies? The premise sounds fun. The first few paragraphs of the prologue set a visceral atmosphere and show competent prose. But it doesn’t really create much intrigue. There was a zombie apocalypse and our MC could fly. The entire chapter is just one action after another, ending with the MC falling unconscious, then it turns out to be a nightmare.

Not a hook.

While the scenes are atmospheric and well-written, the length overstays its welcome, especially since the real hook is when the MC splits into two bodies. Chapter 1 is already long, establishing the war and your character, so merging them as-is would drag the pacing, unless you trim unnecessary action in the prologue.

If I were to suggest a different approach, it would be to break the nightmare into recurring flashes throughout Chapter 1, showing the MC experiencing the same nightmare at night and then returning to daily life. It is a difficult task, but I think you can pull it off.

The ending currently drags with skill discovery and exposition that could be saved for the next chapter. End instead with a punchier, hookier moment, perhaps teasing how this dream might connect to reality as your synopsis suggests. Right now, it reads like a dream with no stakes.

Overall, polished work, professional grade, and it will find its audience on RoyalRoad if you skillfully hit their meta’s soft spot.

Woops, I didn't realize copying was disabled, I'll have to fix that.

Hmm, if the double-body thing is the most interesting part of the synopsis I might have to reword it to give more detail; right now it gets mentioned/planned in chapter 4, starts happening in chapter 9, and doesn't become default/permanent until chapter 18. Before that happens they function the opposite way, with 2-3 girls sharing one body.

The idea of splitting the nightmare across chapter 1 sounds really fun, I'll try to make that work. And that way I could still introduce the ooze and its puppets to return later, and the Tunnels. The dates are really tight but I could probably subtract some weeks from the chapter 2 exploration. MC's main motivation at the start is avoiding all the nightmares which wreck their sleep and daily life, but if that's too low of a stake then I could try to figure out something with the Tunnels, since they connect all the dreams and realities together...

Unfortunately I am a total newbie who knows absolutely nothing about RoyalRoad

Thank you for the feedback! I was super stuck trying to speed up the beginning but this gives me a lot of inspiration.

 

[Makimaam]

The idea of splitting the nightmare across chapter 1 sounds really fun, I'll try to make that work. And that way I could still introduce the ooze and its puppets to return later, and the Tunnels. The dates are really tight but I could probably subtract some weeks from the chapter 2 exploration. MC's main motivation at the start is avoiding all the nightmares which wreck their sleep and daily life, but if that's too low of a stake then I could try to figure out something with the Tunnels, since they connect all the dreams and realities together...

If you leave the nightmare as a prologue and end it with “it was all a dream,” readers will likely forget about it especially since it’s a dense scene.

If you move the entire chonk into Chapter 1, readers may experience fatigue trying to get through it.

The better option, imo, if the nightmare is truly important, is to intersperse parts of it throughout Chapter 1. It also aligns well with your synopsis: “By day, Thomas lives a hollow life… By night, he suffers visceral nightmares, a sharp contrast to the numbness of his waking life.”