Low attention span reviews and ratings [Closed]

[Daeron]

There is no strict format for my feedback, but here is my general approach:

1. I read your synopsis, then I read Chapter 1 until I stop. That could be the first paragraph, or it could be the entire chapter. If it interests me, due to personal preference, I will continue to the next chapters.
2. I will tell you why I stopped if I think it might be constructive for you. When I don’t, it is usually along the lines of: I think you have a lot to work on and I am not qualified or patient enough to be your writing coach, or I don’t want to read generic, worldly, unedited AI-assisted content. I won’t use an AI checker, not that they are reliable anyway, so I will not accuse anyone of using it. I simply don’t want to continue reading.
3. If I make it to the end of the first chapter with my low attention span, which is difficult, I will give you a 5-star rating. Even if a piece doesn’t grab me til the end, I’ll give it 5 stars if I think it’s outstanding. I don’t rate anything lower than 5 stars.
4. If I really, really enjoy the work, I will give a constructive (or try to) review, and it can include criticism. But for me to write an essay about it, I have to like it first.

About me:

I am not going to brag about what qualifies me as a feedback giver. I will outright tell you that my feedback is subjective, personal, and it does not necessarily mean you are a bad writer if I stopped reading. It simply means the work did not interest me.

Hi, if you don't mind please review my work. I need some feedback about my writing: ad finem amore

I'll drop the synopsis and the prologue.

Spoiler: Synopsis

Daeron built his life on unwavering discipline and blind loyalty. He thought he had the world figured out. Everything was black and white.

Then, the only girl he ever loved shattered his reality with a devastating web of lies.

Spiraling into a suffocating pit of grief and toxic dependency, Daeron quickly learns that his ideals cannot save him. Caught between the wild, chaotic loyalty of his brotherhood and his own desperate attempts to replace the ghost of his first love, the lines between victim and villain begin to blur.

Life violently forces him to realize that the world isn't black and white at all—it is a terrifying, endless shade of grey.

Ad finem Amore is not a fairytale romance. It is an agonizing, psychological journey of friendship, self-destruction, and the desperate crawl back to sanity.

Because life demands a heavy toll for every mistake we make. Every action has a consequence. And ultimately... everything has an end.

Spoiler: Prologue

Ad Finem Amore
Prologue : Ad Infinitum

​

October 2012.

The rain was coming down hard, blurring the neon glow of the Chicago skyline through the loft’s floor-to-ceiling windows.

I stood on the balcony, letting the cold mist hit my face. This was the graveyard of my memories. Her voice, her laughter, the phantom scent of vanilla, the way her green eyes used to light up right in this exact spot.

Fuck. I can’t do this anymore. I was drowning in my own head, and I was dragging innocent people down with me.

I collapsed onto the damp outdoor cushion, sparked a cigarette, and cracked open a beer. I stared out into the storm, waiting for the inevitable.

The sharp chime of the doorbell sliced through the sound of the rain. It’s echoed through the quiet apartment. I didn't need to check the peephole.

"Come in! You still have the key, Gaby!" I shouted over the rain.

The heavy metal door clicked open, then slammed shut with a heavy thud. Soft, hesitant footsteps approached the glass doors behind me.

"You really love it out here, Daeron."

I didn't turn around. "... Yeah."

She stepped out into the cold and sat on the cushion beside me, pulling her jacket tight. She looked at me for a long time before speaking.

"You really still love her, don't you?"

My chest seized. The familiar, hollow ache started to throb behind my ribs.

"I just realized something," she whispered, leaning forward to rest her chin on her hand. "Despite everything we did... in every corner, on every piece of furniture in your loft... this balcony is the only place we never touched." She looked out at the rain. "This is the only space where you always sit alone. With that sadness in your eyes."

My breath hitched. She knew. She had figured out that I kept the balcony sacred.

I took a long, trembling drag of my cigarette, pulling the toxic smoke deep into my lungs, hoping it would burn away the guilt before I exhaled.

"I’m sorry, Gaby." My voice was hollow. "I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to you."

She turned to face me. The city lights caught the reflection in her brown eyes. "For what it's worth... I’m glad you were part of my life, Daeron." She offered a sad, heavy smile. "You never treated me poorly. You always made me feel beautiful. Even though I knew... I knew it was empty."

The ache in my chest turned into a sharp, twisting blade. I closed my eyes, unable to look at her pure, devastating empathy.

"Still. I thank you for everything." She stood up.

I moved to stand up with her, but she shook her head.

"I left your spare key in the usual bowl," she said softly, glancing back toward the bedroom. "And I left your hoodie on the bed. Well... I gotta go."

She smiled brightly, masking the pain flawlessly.

"It’s pouring out there, Gaby. Let me drive you back."

She shook her head again. "Andrew is waiting for me in the parking lot."

A bitter wave of respect washed over me. Andrew was taking care of the mess I made. "Good. Let me walk you down, at least."

"Don’t." She reached out, pressing her small hand flat against my chest to stop me. "If you walk me out... I’m afraid I’ll never have the courage to actually leave you. Let me have my closure right here. Because..."

The brave facade finally cracked. Her eyes filled with tears, turning into crystal under the balcony lights.

"...because I really do love you, Daeron."

The blade in my chest twisted violently.

"Farewell, baby," she whispered.

She gave me one last, blinding smile, turned around, and walked back into the loft. I watched her silhouette move through the dark apartment until she vanished behind the front door.

Fuck.

I fell back against the brick wall. It wasn't heartbreak I was feeling; it was pure, suffocating regret. I had taken a pure, innocent girl and tainted her just to numb my own pain. I broke her because I was terrified of facing my own shadow. I ruined her just to keep the illusion of Jessica alive.

I pulled my phone from my pocket. My thumb scrolled through the chat history. Hundreds of green text bubbles. Unanswered. Sent into the void toward my hope, my illusion, my ruin.

God, I miss you.

I had become a monster after she left. The scent of her vanilla perfume was finally completely gone from the loft. And now, I was truly, completely alone.

I chuckled. It was a dark, broken sound. I lit another cigarette, inhaling deeply to numb the stabbing pain in my ribs.

"Just like old times," I muttered to the empty balcony. "Look how far you've fallen."

Once, I was just a boy who fought to protect the people he cared about. I was a boy who thought he was going to get the girl he loved.

Just like three years ago. The first time I met her.

Jessica.

 

[Makimaam]

Hi, I understand your situation, and if it's not too much trouble, I was wondering if you could read my story. Honestly, any feedback would be helpful.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2160047/survival-is-my-only-power/

Beyond the edges of maps, in an intangible space where destinies were woven and unraveled, the specters of power convened. It was not a hall, nor a sky, nor an abyss. It was the confluence of primordial wills, a void humming with the murmur of eons. There, entities of unthinkable antiquity rested upon thrones wrought from pure concepts: War, Time, Wisdom, Ruin. The atmosphere was dense, heavy with the weight of a thousand worlds observed and a thousand cycles concluded.

You just wrote “somewhere that isn’t anywhere” in the most pretentious way possible.

It's not a hall. Not a sky. Not an abyss. It's pure vibe. It's overwrought. Unoriginal. Purple prose. Dropped.

I'm curious how far you would get in Sholaira.

I'll take all jokes and critiques

Synopsis

The body of Sholaira is fuelled by the harmony of the elements that inhabit it.

What is Sholaira? A place? A world? A monster?

The synopsis is lacking. There’s not much of a hook. Heroes fighting monsters, is that all? Who even is the MC? Who are we supposed to use as our emotional anchor? Moreover, there is nothing in your synopsis that distinguishes your novel from other fantasies.

Prologue… I?

I am immediately repelled by the fact that you have 10 chapters dedicated to the prologue alone. Are we meant to go through more than 20k words of setting before we even get to the MC?

It was only as the first few soldiers had reached their turrets that a series of purple explosions rocked the walls, various soldiers tumbling to the ground due to the shockwaves. A few soldiers even fell off the wall, a minor inconvenience as they blasted air from the soles of their feet to fly back into position.

Too wordy. Show the action, don’t pause to explain how it works mid-scene.

The shots sailed through the air and slammed into the body of a small purple hovership, blowing it to pieces in an explosive display. That hovership was only one of dozens that littered the orange cloudy sky. The swarm of hoverships buzzed around a pair of large warships that had so many cannons attached that it would make the biggest gun enthusiast blush.

Too lengthy, and I, as an extremely impatient reader, am starting to doze off. Is this meant to be a heart-pounding fight scene? Why are you lulling me to sleep?

Cane’s introduction is pretty decent. You have established his personality and his appearance in an opening paragraph. But it came after a lengthy section describing the attacks. I would prefer the chapter to start with Cane and reveal the attacks through his perspective. Drop readers straight into his mind.

“Admittedly, they did pick a good time to strike. It's a cloudy day, so they could mask their ships more easily.”

This is where I stopped. So far, the scene goes from: an attack -> Cane’s introduction and heroic moment -> Cane et al., aka successive introductions of more characters discussing the attack.

I can’t bring myself to read more. You spend a lot of effort building the world, but you haven’t communicated to me why I should care about it. High fantasy war without a strong emotional anchor is especially niche. Even if you have competent world-building, it is hard to connect with because everything feels distant. I'd rather read about a historical battle on wiki, except at least that is history, relatable, and not some made-up world.

Readers, especially modern WN readers, will only appreciate the world-building if they can explore it through an anchor, that is, a character they care about.

So you start with a battle, but because I don’t care about Cane’s survival, and since I’m unsure if he’s the MC, the battle loses its urgency. I’m reading this, knowing I still have 9 more prologue chapters to get through, makes it a slog. Nothing feels more important than anything else, so nothing feels important at all.

WN readers are impatient and spoiled with choices. The longer your prologue drags on before presenting something they can actually care about, the more likely they are to drop the story.

 

[SenseiHusky]

I don't know why but when you appear, your presence makes me smile.

Should I feel proud or sad

 

[Makimaam]

Hi, i wrote this with tiktok brain, so it may or may not satisfy your short attention span.

This Wonderful World We Woke Up In!

My senpai has a hero complex. When the bathroom mirror turned into a portal leading to another world, he grabbed my hand and jumped in. I didn’t exactly get a say in it. Now we’re heroes tasked with defeating the Demon King. Senpai thinks this place is wonderful....

www.scribblehub.com

Synopsis is clear enough, it reads like a brotherhood kind of story with two friends exploring the world together. You established the characters pretty well from the get go and while the genre might not be an instant hit, if you write well, I believe you will gain a decent readership.

Prologue:

And your knack for establishing a character efficiently shows in the very opening. This kind of voice sells well. The character reads as relatable and likeable.

I do like the exchange between the main leads. It reads very JPLN ish. The senpai part is a giveaway, I suppose.

The dialogue is pretty natural and fun, the dynamic is clear. You did, however, overuse it, and I’m starting to lose my patience, wishing for something to happen soon and get the plot going. The fact that this is 80% dialogue and 20% minimal description did not help. And because the dialogue keeps going on and on, honestly, I scrolled past everything, thinking maybe, just maybe, the plot will get going at the end. And of course, they got isekai’d, as per the synopsis.

Chapter 1:

And here I thought one sentence paragraphs were limited to dialogue. But no. It’s everywhere.

No one finished that thought. They didn’t need to.

The queen’s gaze moved slowly across the room.

There’s really no need to hammer the enter key that badly. Perhaps you’re heavily influenced by JPLN, but it does read as disjointed. Keep action and dialogue in the same paragraph if the same character is doing both. Why are you making my poor skimming eyes work so hard?

People audibly gasped.

This is where I stop. Because this kind of pattern keeps repeating. Someone says something, everyone gasps, everyone looks up, everyone sucks in a breath to wait for a sentence to drop like a dramatic mic drop, like watching a Bollywood soap opera where everything happens in excruciating slo mo. It’s exhausting to scroll through. And frankly, I have lost interest.

The banter is no longer fun at this point because there’s no interiority to balance it. The true interiority that I liked ended at the Prologue’s opening. It reads less like an immersive read and more like a screenplay, a script. The fact that this is first person POV but we get a full scene of the queen without the MC pulled me out a bit.

Your idea isn’t bad and you didn’t fall into that common “wake up in a new world and look into the mirror” cliché. Those are the positives. But the prose put me off from reading any further.

 

[Jaymi]

Synopsis is clear enough, it reads like a brotherhood kind of story with two friends exploring the world together. You established the characters pretty well from the get go and while the genre might not be an instant hit, if you write well, I believe you will gain a decent readership.

Prologue:

And your knack for establishing a character efficiently shows in the very opening. This kind of voice sells well. The character reads as relatable and likeable.

I do like the exchange between the main leads. It reads very JPLN ish. The senpai part is a giveaway, I suppose.

The dialogue is pretty natural and fun, the dynamic is clear. You did, however, overuse it, and I’m starting to lose my patience, wishing for something to happen soon and get the plot going. The fact that this is 80% dialogue and 20% minimal description did not help. And because the dialogue keeps going on and on, honestly, I scrolled past everything, thinking maybe, just maybe, the plot will get going at the end. And of course, they got isekai’d, as per the synopsis.

Chapter 1:

And here I thought one sentence paragraphs were limited to dialogue. But no. It’s everywhere.





There’s really no need to hammer the enter key that badly. Perhaps you’re heavily influenced by JPLN, but it does read as disjointed. Keep action and dialogue in the same paragraph if the same character is doing both. Why are you making my poor skimming eyes work so hard?


This is where I stop. Because this kind of pattern keeps repeating. Someone says something, everyone gasps, everyone looks up, everyone sucks in a breath to wait for a sentence to drop like a dramatic mic drop, like watching a Bollywood soap opera where everything happens in excruciating slo mo. It’s exhausting to scroll through. And frankly, I have lost interest.

The banter is no longer fun at this point because there’s no interiority to balance it. The true interiority that I liked ended at the Prologue’s opening. It reads less like an immersive read and more like a screenplay, a script. The fact that this is first person POV but we get a full scene of the queen without the MC pulled me out a bit.

Your idea isn’t bad and you didn’t fall into that common “wake up in a new world and look into the mirror” cliché. Those are the positives. But the prose put me off from reading any further.

Hey thanks for this, i appreciate you giving my work a chance. It’s quite obvious my writing is inspired by the many JPLN’d i’ve read, i know. But I’m working on it, and do honestly believe that I’m getting better chapter by chapter, i thought the one line sentences worked as a way to manage the pacing, but i’ve learned that it breaks immersion and ruins the readers experience.
Once again thank you for the review, i’ll try improving even more so that hopefully in the nearby future you won’t have to stop reading in the middle of a chapter anymore.

 

[Makimaam]

Beast Heroes: Bianca’s Genisis

Follow the tale of Bianca Verdant, a 10 year old Awakened Beast Hero as she forges her legacy in a world filled with turmoil and Fear, her kndness and understanding being her greatest weapons as she deals the perks and responsibilities of being an 'Early Bloomer'

www.scribblehub.com

Here is mine...

First, your synopsis is riddled with spelling errors, besides being generic. Your title is misspelled, your chapter name is misspelled, and your chap 1 took less than a minute to read and irritated my eyes with errors and I’m not even strict on grammar as a reader.
Ch 2’s bizarre formatting is a complete turn-off. As someone who read on mobile, it is unreadable.

 

[Shadowless3]

Beneath the Crown

Born of royal blood but raised in shadows, she lives among the streets. A bright, reckless spirit with a hidden past and a secret only her sister knows. Careless, curious, and untamed, she has no interest in kingdoms, crowns, or fate. A streetwise troublemaker with a secret past, she hides...

www.scribblehub.com

could u give mine some feedback too

 

[c37]

Beneath the Crown

Born of royal blood but raised in shadows, she lives among the streets. A bright, reckless spirit with a hidden past and a secret only her sister knows. Careless, curious, and untamed, she has no interest in kingdoms, crowns, or fate. A streetwise troublemaker with a secret past, she hides...

www.scribblehub.com

could u give mine a chance too

HEYYY!

 

[Makimaam]

Sure, I'll go for it. My chapters are short lol so It's perfect for ya

ULTRAVIOLENCE

Justice. Pain. Sins. Revenge. We all in our hearts have this sense of justice. The feeling of getting “even” in this world. An eye for an eye. We cheer on the man defending his home by shooting the man who wanted his TV dead. We love our revenge stories. Someone...

www.scribblehub.com

Should I be blunt or gentle?

 

[OtherSlater]

Should I be blunt or gentle?

If you don’t like it, that’s ok!

 

[Makimaam]

If you don’t like it, that’s ok!

Synopsis
Significant improvement has been made to the original version. It shows that you have taken the feedback seriously. I would not have included the disclaimer if I were you.

We all in our hearts have this sense of justice. The feeling of getting “even” in this world. An eye for an eye.

These statements are overly generalized, but they do paint a picture of what the story is about. Essentially, it is Arrow without the money.

Jackie White felt this same sense of Justice. To hurt those who hurt them. Give the gangs of New York Ultraviolence for the crimes they committed. The problem is, is this justice? Or is this mission just another cog in the machine headed towards chaos?

This should be its own paragraph.

Prologue:

Fully American white dudes with gold around their necks and a shiver due to the relentless chill brought on by the storm.

I do not like this sentence. You began the chapter in an omniscient pov, so the narration should remain neutral rather than referring to them as “Fully American white dudes”. That kind of phrasing may work in close third person, but here it pulled me out straight after the atmospheric opening. That paragraph could also be split into two once the two men are introduced.

severedhead, still dripping blood, in one hand and a switchblade

Yep. Not possible. Use something other than a switchblade. Your story aims for gritty realism, so you need to make sure it is realistic. A blade that can cut through a head requires much greater mass for force and momentum. An axe or a machete at least, but of course walking around the streets of NY with that would be dumb. So is this there only for shock factor?

I would rather the scene start with a depiction of how these men are despicable instead of having the protagonist walking around with a severed head only to kill both of them. Inefficient. And for no particular purpose but window dressing. Violence isn’t in the visceral visual effect. It is how it makes readers feel.

“Do you know who I am?” “I’m Ultraviolence. Haven’t you heard about me?”

This isn’t something a tactical vet would say. It feels like he’s saying it for us, the readers. Unless it serves a purpose. Unless Ace begged for his life and asked first, only to be met with cold judgement. This only needs a small tweak to make it more immersive and less on the nose,

Once Ultraviolence appeared, he monologued. The exchange needs to be two-way. The dialogue needs to be natural. The thugs don’t just squirm and let themselves be attacked, especially since there are two of them. Ace would claw at the hand. He would beg for his life. None of that happened here.

Then the MC just listed the crimes, where they could be naturally shown at the beginning through the thugs’ grotesque dialogue. It makes this kill distant.

Chapter 1:
Again, split the paragraph. You combined the doctor’s internal thoughts, Jackie, and the description of the room in the same paragraph. I would prefer limited first person from Jackie’s perspective alone, especially since it centers on his thoughts and why he doesn’t like authority.

“They fail people.”

And Jackie could elaborate on that using the unique aspects of your world to enhance the worldbuilding. He could internalize it without voicing it. It is a missed opportunity to expand his mindset rather than settling for an edgy “fuck the police” attitude.

There should be more eye contact, especially from a therapist trying to connect with her patient. This scene basically functions to tell us about Jackie’s future motivation, but it could go deeper and paint him in a more sympathetic light. For now, it just lists his hatred without adding the why or any relatable snippets of his past.

A competent therapist wouldn’t directly ask if he hates institutions. She would prioritize his safety first, since he clearly doesn’t look well.

The first set of questions should be about self-harm or thoughts of violence, which could easily lead to his outward dismissal but internal ptsd. Then you could have her continue with more questions, but Jackie tunes her out because of the tired tone she uses, just like the therapists he saw after returning from his tour.

Use this as an opportunity to characterize him as a complex person, to humanize him, not some edgy protag who purely wants violence.

 

[OtherSlater]

Synopsis
Significant improvement has been made to the original version. It shows that you have taken the feedback seriously. I would not have included the disclaimer if I were you.

These statements are overly generalized, but they do paint a picture of what the story is about. Essentially, it is Arrow without the money.

This should be its own paragraph.

Prologue:


I do not like this sentence. You began the chapter in an omniscient pov, so the narration should remain neutral rather than referring to them as “Fully American white dudes”. That kind of phrasing may work in close third person, but here it pulled me out straight after the atmospheric opening. That paragraph could also be split into two once the two men are introduced.


Yep. Not possible. Use something other than a switchblade. Your story aims for gritty realism, so you need to make sure it is realistic. A blade that can cut through a head requires much greater mass for force and momentum. An axe or a machete at least, but of course walking around the streets of NY with that would be dumb. So is this there only for shock factor?

I would rather the scene start with a depiction of how these men are despicable instead of having the protagonist walking around with a severed head only to kill both of them. Inefficient. And for no particular purpose but window dressing. Violence isn’t in the visceral visual effect. It is how it makes readers feel.


This isn’t something a tactical vet would say. It feels like he’s saying it for us, the readers. Unless it serves a purpose. Unless Ace begged for his life and asked first, only to be met with cold judgement. This only needs a small tweak to make it more immersive and less on the nose,

Once Ultraviolence appeared, he monologued. The exchange needs to be two-way. The dialogue needs to be natural. The thugs don’t just squirm and let themselves be attacked, especially since there are two of them. Ace would claw at the hand. He would beg for his life. None of that happened here.

Then the MC just listed the crimes, where they could be naturally shown at the beginning through the thugs’ grotesque dialogue. It makes this kill distant.

Chapter 1:
Again, split the paragraph. You combined the doctor’s internal thoughts, Jackie, and the description of the room in the same paragraph. I would prefer limited first person from Jackie’s perspective alone, especially since it centers on his thoughts and why he doesn’t like authority.



And Jackie could elaborate on that using the unique aspects of your world to enhance the worldbuilding. He could internalize it without voicing it. It is a missed opportunity to expand his mindset rather than settling for an edgy “fuck the police” attitude.

There should be more eye contact, especially from a therapist trying to connect with her patient. This scene basically functions to tell us about Jackie’s future motivation, but it could go deeper and paint him in a more sympathetic light. For now, it just lists his hatred without adding the why or any relatable snippets of his past.

A competent therapist wouldn’t directly ask if he hates institutions. She would prioritize his safety first, since he clearly doesn’t look well.

The first set of questions should be about self-harm or thoughts of violence, which could easily lead to his outward dismissal but internal ptsd. Then you could have her continue with more questions, but Jackie tunes her out because of the tired tone she uses, just like the therapists he saw after returning from his tour.

Use this as an opportunity to characterize him as a complex person, to humanize him, not some edgy protag who purely wants violence.

I appreciate the words. Yeah, I know I just liked the idea of him hacking away with a little knife lmao. Plus I thought it would emphasize the ultra in Ultraviolence. But I can retool it.

Also the idea is that this is a major zoom in to later events, because the loop will complete itself around Chapter 11 or so. Again, maybe I can retool it to add some context.

I value your criticism, it’s actually very helpful in the construction of my early paragraphs. I hope you like the narrative as well so far :)

 

[Makimaam]

I'll give it a go! Thanks a lot in advance!

Reincarnated into Two Bodies | Scribble Hub

Let’s see. The synopsis has all the ingredients that make the work a hit:
1. Isekai
2. Isekai into two bodies
3. Isekai into two bodies who are both prodigies

This is an instant hit because not only is it escapism, but it also promises lots of fun and intrigue if written well. It is also an original take on the isekai genre.

Chapter 1

The first section was, imo, too lengthy. I found myself skimming it, got bored with it, but decided I shouldn’t be so hasty so I scrolled back up and reread it again. It spend too long describing things that don’t matter much, such as the food.

Maintenance was only ever done on the lower floors for appearance's sake, the upper floors were neglected to save costs. That meant the entire seventh floor was not in a condition for a party, we had to clean the entire floor ourselves.
And then, after wasting an entire month just to prepare for the party, running my wallet dry, and also sacrificing sleep, the party finally commenced on Christmas night.

This, for example, could be trimmed to focus on painting who the MC is instead.

Then he went on complaining about food, drinks, and parties, where we as readers just want to scroll down to the reincarnation/transmigration. This type of setting is excellent for establishing your characters, but up to this part, I haven’t managed to grasp much other than that he is an average office worker doing average office things.

When we get to the MC drinking and the conversation with Luke, we could finally form an idea of who the MC is: someone competent enough to earn respect despite only being a secretary.

The only ones I’d seen genuinely smiling so far were Luke and his girlfriend. Those two were so in love, I doubt anything would bring down their mood.

…Love, huh?
“If I have someone like that… Wonder how it’d be…”

Nice. The MC’s personality is being revealed more and more, and I like it. He has heart, he isn’t edgy, and he shows a hint of heroism too.

The ending, after they both reincarnated, creates even further intrigue, and I’m beginning to wonder just what happened to them before the MC was transmigrated into them.

Anyway, would I drop the chapter after a lengthy opening? No. Because the concept alone carries it and I would skim to see the next part instead of dropping the book.

However, by skimming at first, I did miss your MC’s characterization. Only on a second reading did I notice those subtle details that were buried underneath the description of the party. I would have liked to spend more time getting to know him rather than the party, which we know will likely never be mentioned again.

I find myself eager to click next to see how this plays out.

Chapter 2 is mostly about the mechanics of how the MC can control the bodies more fluidly. I find it an interesting read. The prose flows naturally and isn’t info-dumpy. You are very efficient with words once the MC transmigrates. The humor is subtle, but it’s fun to see how the MC manages two bodies at once.

I would have loved more sensory detail in this. Not just for atmosphere, but because the story mechanics demand it. That said, it’s the critic in me speaking, not the low attention span reader.

I also finished Chapter 3. It was a fun, easy read. I don’t think there’s anything you need to change. The concept, the humor, the MC characterization, everything works as it should. The prose is really easy to read even if it’s not especially literary.

Usually, I often come across works where I would say, trim this, trim that. But reading through your chapters, I believe you have already done that same self-assessment over and over again. It is good to be critical of your own work. It really shows your passion and commitment to the craft. Well done.

5 star.

 

[Zinless]

Let’s see. The synopsis has all the ingredients that make the work a hit:
1. Isekai
2. Isekai into two bodies
3. Isekai into two bodies who are both prodigies

This is an instant hit because not only is it escapism, but it also promises lots of fun and intrigue if written well. It is also an original take on the isekai genre.

Chapter 1

The first section was, imo, too lengthy. I found myself skimming it, got bored with it, but decided I shouldn’t be so hasty so I scrolled back up and reread it again. It spend too long describing things that don’t matter much, such as the food.



This, for example, could be trimmed to focus on painting who the MC is instead.

Then he went on complaining about food, drinks, and parties, where we as readers just want to scroll down to the reincarnation/transmigration. This type of setting is excellent for establishing your characters, but up to this part, I haven’t managed to grasp much other than that he is an average office worker doing average office things.

When we get to the MC drinking and the conversation with Luke, we could finally form an idea of who the MC is: someone competent enough to earn respect despite only being a secretary.


Nice. The MC’s personality is being revealed more and more, and I like it. He has heart, he isn’t edgy, and he shows a hint of heroism too.

The ending, after they both reincarnated, creates even further intrigue, and I’m beginning to wonder just what happened to them before the MC was transmigrated into them.

Anyway, would I drop the chapter after a lengthy opening? No. Because the concept alone carries it and I would skim to see the next part instead of dropping the book.

However, by skimming at first, I did miss your MC’s characterization. Only on a second reading did I notice those subtle details that were buried underneath the description of the party. I would have liked to spend more time getting to know him rather than the party, which we know will likely never be mentioned again.

I find myself eager to click next to see how this plays out.

Chapter 2 is mostly about the mechanics of how the MC can control the bodies more fluidly. I find it an interesting read. The prose flows naturally and isn’t info-dumpy. You are very efficient with words once the MC transmigrates. The humor is subtle, but it’s fun to see how the MC manages two bodies at once.

I would have loved more sensory detail in this. Not just for atmosphere, but because the story mechanics demand it. That said, it’s the critic in me speaking, not the low attention span reader.

I also finished Chapter 3. It was a fun, easy read. I don’t think there’s anything you need to change. The concept, the humor, the MC characterization, everything works as it should. The prose is really easy to read even if it’s not especially literary.

Usually, I often come across works where I would say, trim this, trim that. But reading through your chapters, I believe you have already done that same self-assessment over and over again. It is good to be critical of your own work. It really shows your passion and commitment to the craft. Well done.

5 star.

Thank you very much for your review! I'm glad my story intrigues you enough to read past the first chapter! I'll heed your feedback and try to modify the first chapter to show off the MC's personality a bit more while also trimming it.

Keep up the awesome work with the reviews!

 

[jean-marc21]

There is no strict format for my feedback, but here is my general approach:

1. I read your synopsis, then I read Chapter 1 until I stop. That could be the first paragraph, or it could be the entire chapter. If it interests me, due to personal preference, I will continue to the next chapters.
2. I will tell you why I stopped if I think it might be constructive for you. When I don’t, it is usually along the lines of: I think you have a lot to work on and I am not qualified or patient enough to be your writing coach, or I don’t want to read generic, worldly, unedited AI-assisted content. I won’t use an AI checker, not that they are reliable anyway, so I will not accuse anyone of using it. I simply don’t want to continue reading.
3. If I make it to the end of the first chapter with my low attention span, which is difficult, I will give you a 5-star rating. Even if a piece doesn’t grab me til the end, I’ll give it 5 stars if I think it’s outstanding. I don’t rate anything lower than 5 stars.
4. If I really, really enjoy the work, I will give a constructive (or try to) review, and it can include criticism. But for me to write an essay about it, I have to like it first.

About me:

I am not going to brag about what qualifies me as a feedback giver. I will outright tell you that my feedback is subjective, personal, and it does not necessarily mean you are a bad writer if I stopped reading. It simply means the work did not interest me.

Hello,

I read your offer for feedback, and I really appreciate your approach. It's honest, respectful, and I like that you're clear about your own subjectivity. Thank you for taking the time to help new writers.

If your offer is still open, I'd be grateful if you could take a look at my series: Magical Exploration in a Fantasy World

This story means a lot to me. I'm trying to build a coherent world, characters who grow slowly but meaningfully, and a magic system with internal logic. The first arc follows Ciel, a reincarnated boy, as he discovers his place in a family of mages, the weight of expectations placed on him, and the cost of being different.

I'm aware the pacing might feel slow at first — that's a deliberate choice to establish foundations and build attachment to the characters. But of course, it won't work for everyone, and that's exactly why your feedback interests me.

You mentioned you read "until you stop." If you do stop, I'd be curious to know where and why, if you have a moment to share. If you make it through the first chapter, I hope it manages to hold your attention.

Either way, thank you for offering this. It's initiatives like yours that make writing communities valuable.

Happy reading, if you find the time to dive in.

 

[YoungEezy27]

Wo

You just wrote “somewhere that isn’t anywhere” in the most pretentious way possible.

It's not a hall. Not a sky. Not an abyss. It's pure vibe. It's overwrought. Unoriginal. Purple prose. Dropped.


Synopsis


What is Sholaira? A place? A world? A monster?

The synopsis is lacking. There’s not much of a hook. Heroes fighting monsters, is that all? Who even is the MC? Who are we supposed to use as our emotional anchor? Moreover, there is nothing in your synopsis that distinguishes your novel from other fantasies.

Prologue… I?

I am immediately repelled by the fact that you have 10 chapters dedicated to the prologue alone. Are we meant to go through more than 20k words of setting before we even get to the MC?



Too wordy. Show the action, don’t pause to explain how it works mid-scene.



Too lengthy, and I, as an extremely impatient reader, am starting to doze off. Is this meant to be a heart-pounding fight scene? Why are you lulling me to sleep?

Cane’s introduction is pretty decent. You have established his personality and his appearance in an opening paragraph. But it came after a lengthy section describing the attacks. I would prefer the chapter to start with Cane and reveal the attacks through his perspective. Drop readers straight into his mind.



This is where I stopped. So far, the scene goes from: an attack -> Cane’s introduction and heroic moment -> Cane et al., aka successive introductions of more characters discussing the attack.

I can’t bring myself to read more. You spend a lot of effort building the world, but you haven’t communicated to me why I should care about it. High fantasy war without a strong emotional anchor is especially niche. Even if you have competent world-building, it is hard to connect with because everything feels distant. I'd rather read about a historical battle on wiki, except at least that is history, relatable, and not some made-up world.

Readers, especially modern WN readers, will only appreciate the world-building if they can explore it through an anchor, that is, a character they care about.

So you start with a battle, but because I don’t care about Cane’s survival, and since I’m unsure if he’s the MC, the battle loses its urgency. I’m reading this, knowing I still have 9 more prologue chapters to get through, makes it a slog. Nothing feels more important than anything else, so nothing feels important at all.

WN readers are impatient and spoiled with choices. The longer your prologue drags on before presenting something they can actually care about, the more likely they are to drop the

You just wrote “somewhere that isn’t anywhere” in the most pretentious way possible.

It's not a hall. Not a sky. Not an abyss. It's pure vibe. It's overwrought. Unoriginal. Purple prose. Dropped.


Synopsis


What is Sholaira? A place? A world? A monster?

The synopsis is lacking. There’s not much of a hook. Heroes fighting monsters, is that all? Who even is the MC? Who are we supposed to use as our emotional anchor? Moreover, there is nothing in your synopsis that distinguishes your novel from other fantasies.

Prologue… I?

I am immediately repelled by the fact that you have 10 chapters dedicated to the prologue alone. Are we meant to go through more than 20k words of setting before we even get to the MC?



Too wordy. Show the action, don’t pause to explain how it works mid-scene.



Too lengthy, and I, as an extremely impatient reader, am starting to doze off. Is this meant to be a heart-pounding fight scene? Why are you lulling me to sleep?

Cane’s introduction is pretty decent. You have established his personality and his appearance in an opening paragraph. But it came after a lengthy section describing the attacks. I would prefer the chapter to start with Cane and reveal the attacks through his perspective. Drop readers straight into his mind.



This is where I stopped. So far, the scene goes from: an attack -> Cane’s introduction and heroic moment -> Cane et al., aka successive introductions of more characters discussing the attack.

I can’t bring myself to read more. You spend a lot of effort building the world, but you haven’t communicated to me why I should care about it. High fantasy war without a strong emotional anchor is especially niche. Even if you have competent world-building, it is hard to connect with because everything feels distant. I'd rather read about a historical battle on wiki, except at least that is history, relatable, and not some made-up world.

Readers, especially modern WN readers, will only appreciate the world-building if they can explore it through an anchor, that is, a character they care about.

So you start with a battle, but because I don’t care about Cane’s survival, and since I’m unsure if he’s the MC, the battle loses its urgency. I’m reading this, knowing I still have 9 more prologue chapters to get through, makes it a slog. Nothing feels more important than anything else, so nothing feels important at all.

WN readers are impatient and spoiled with choices. The longer your prologue drags on before presenting something they can actually care about, the more likely they are to drop the story.

Alrighty.

Fair enough, the synopsis should be clearer on what Sholaira actually is. I'll edit that.

Maybe I should change the name from Prologue. I mean, it is a Prologue...but at the same time it is canon and really does act as the inciting incident. It's like...the 90 Minute movie that takes place before Episode 1 of the show - if that makes ANY sense.

Cane IS one of the MCs, I should find a way to make that more prominent. I feel like all of those would be resolved if I just put his name in the synopsis.

The writing is definitely something else I can touch up individually.

 

[Makimaam]

I was going to ignore your thread, but then you commented and said you skimmed my story, so now I am going to obligate you to read it.

The Secret Lives of Magical Girls

Under constant threat by malevolent forces bleeding through the fabric of reality, the world must turn to divine guardians chosen by the heavens: magical girls. These young women rise to the occasion and fend off the vile monsters seeking to corrupt and consume all of humanity, but there is...

www.scribblehub.com

Synopsis

The good: magical girls, GL. They have appeal.

The ehh: although the story itself is written in first-person POV, the synopsis reads distant and lacks voice. While it isn’t wrong to use third person here, it feels like a missed opportunity. But let’s set that aside and unpack this:

These young women rise to the occasion and fend off the vile monsters seeking to corrupt and consume all of humanity, but there is more to them than meets the eye. Beneath all the beauty, grace, and power is a normal woman who must balance her life while saving everyone else.

Too long. Needs trimming.

Such is the burden of Zhou Xiuting. When The Bleed appears, she becomes Liu Shanshan, one of Wuyuan’s greatest defenders. When peace reigns, she wrangles a team of professional business advisors at Qiandu, Inc., and tries to save their clients from financial devastation.

The prose feels rather distant. This could be punchier, showing how she juggles her secret lives. But again, that’s a common superhero trope. So what comes next?

It is not an easy life. It is one of stress, anxiety, and never-ending obligations. To find the time, the patience, and the will to manage everything all at once, while ensuring that no one discovers who she is, certainly takes a toll. Fortunately, she is not alone. She has friends, rivals, and comrades to rely on when it gets to be too much.

Not needed, essentially just elaborating on the above paragraph, without character voice. This could be interesting to read if written in first person, but it is redundant here.


Overall, I can summarize the whole thing as: we have a magical girl who’s basically an office worker, and The Bleed will threaten her already complicated life.

But is that all? I need one extra piece of intrigue to grab my attention.


Chapter 1:

rouse my ancient computer from its slumber so that I can get to work.

I hear my balding, penguin-shaped boss waddle out of his office so I whirl around and throw on a professional, practiced smile, but I fear that it is marred by annoyance.

The prose is highly competent. You impressed me very early on with this kind of writing. It’s such a shame you didn’t bring out this great voice in the synopsis.

I wait for his chair to stop clattering across the tile floor.

I love these details. Brilliant.

Here at Qiandu, we offer premium consulting services to the highest paying companies

So basically a management consulting firm? And yet they issue worn-out office chairs and ancient computers?
I would have thought that when dealing with clients, especially in Chinese culture, “face” is important. Consulting firms handling high paying clients wouldn’t just issue worn-down devices that signal unprofessionalism or sloppiness.

But fine. I’ll allow it for now.

It definitely has nothing to do with my father being the CEO

I wish you had advertised this in the synopsis. A rich and powerful MC, probably beautiful too, enhances intrigue.


Overall
Your MC has wants, will and insecurities. She is someone readers want to follow.

The office shenanigans start off rather… mundane. I know you tried to show exactly that, a juxtaposition of her exciting double life, but think about the readers too. There’s a difference between showing something with intention and simply letting it run on too long. It had already made its point, yet it kept going, especially the bit about the misplaced file.

But thanks to the MC’s strong voice, I read through them.

The flashback lingered too long on clothing choices. If it were a flashback, wouldn’t the MC just go straight to the meeting?

In general, it reads well. But if I were to pick the most striking aspect of your chapter, it is your prose. The story still feels like it’s in the setup phase, missing the hooks that compel readers to viciously hammer the next button.

But since I made it to the end—5 stars.

 

[Makimaam]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2143036/echoes-of-home/
This is my novel. Please read and tell how you feel as a new reader with no prior engagement. I have taken a few pieces of advice before and improvised somewhat, but I want a fresh look from a new reader.

Synopsis
One thing that makes this less generic is the hint that Neth is a serial reincarnator or transmigrator. However, the stakes are unclear. Is he just going to jump to another life once he dies? Why should we care then? What’s special about those worlds? It needs a stronger hook.


Chaper 1:

I read the first few paragraphs and grew impatient; they are excessively long with multiple characters being introduced. Knowing Neth would die and that these people would not matter, I skipped to the end, then scrolled back up.

Here is a proper feedback:

I do not like the choice of pov. Someone who is, I assume, going to travel between worlds and explore how fleeting connections affect him would be better written in close third person rather than omniscient.

If you want readers to feel attached to those connections, you need to bring us deeper into his mind instead of using distant narration that reads like snippets of an anthology strung together through an avatar.

I also find it odd that you used his mother’s internal monologue to tell us about Neth rather than letting us experience him directly.

Since everything is written this way, it feels like a story being told to readers rather than something lived in. I skimmed most of it. If it does not connect deeply to Neth, it will not connect to readers, who are already positioning themselves inside his perspective, as a proxy, if you will. Because the worlds are likely going to constantly change, with only one person as an anchor.

As his consciousness began to ebb, the air before his face shimmered. Not a trick of the light. A literal, hairline fracture, sharp and impossibly thin, materialized in the fabric of space itself. In his drowsy state, he dismissed it as a trick of his tired mind.

I do like the writing here. It feels poetic without being overwrought.



Overall:

You are a competent writer. You can create atmosphere effectively but something is missing in the flow of the story. Neth’s muted personality is overshadowed by characters who are quickly discarded once he reincarnates.

In the opening chapter, front-loading it with these characters in a long, dragging, mundane section only for Neth to die without a single thought of regret or even thinking about his family, makes it feel disconnected. If they aren’t relevant now or meaningfully connected, why include them here instead of waiting until they matter in later chapters

It's fine for him to have a past, and even encouraged, but it needs to matter. Make it matter. Make us care.

 

[Makimaam]

Hey ?. i would appreciate your review on my work. I am a fairly new writer and i want to know if i am able to pull the reader into my world or not . Here you go. I would prefer if u skipped prologue and reviewed chapter 1, sounds weird I know but chapter 1 is where my main characters and main world is introduced, so it's up to you.

Sure. Chapter 1:

A young cambion with four horns walked down a stone road. Gray-black buildings slid past as his lean figure moved forward.

Buildings sliding past? Odd phrasing. Unless he has super speed.

A low whistle slipped past his lips as the pouch landed neatly in his palm.

Florid phrasing for something as mundane as someone whistling.

I wonder who I should wager on today. A thought appeared as he walked.

Needs italicized for thought.

Its hollow eyes pierced Aegis’s soul.

So the boy’s name is Aegis? Weird place to first drop his name. Right at the end of a scene description paragraph.

Aegis forgot to blink.

He forgot to breathe.

Awkward phrasing continues.

Overall impression: odd phrasing in place, unlikable character to follow. Everything tries too hard to be violent but doesn’t actually make me care because Aegis could die the next moment, and I couldn’t care less. Also, he’s just watching a fight. That further distances me from this opening chapter.

The synopsis is a bait-and-switch. At the start it made me believe the paladin is a main character. I would have preferred that to be true, only to be whipped by the end of the synopsis by an implication that he is dead and his son is to carry his torch. That was disappointing, since your true MC barely even makes an appearance in that synopsis.

Would I continue? No.

The prose needs a lot of work, the sentences are staccato without much variation, the story started off boring as hell despite trying hard to be violent. Violence is loud but without an emotional anchor, it’s just noise.

The MC is the worst part of the opening chapter. Who would want to follow a flat, shallow boy who’s excited about skull-smashing with no purpose, no goals, no interiority?

The problem isn’t a lack of morality. You can create a villainous lead that readers find irresistible, but this isn’t the case here. Sure one can argue that the Mc has room for growth, but hint at it. Here we have him thrilled to hear skulls cracking and excited to see blood spray, despite being a lowlife thief. Readers aren’t going to wait around for him to grow when he doesn’t even engage them in his opening.

 

[c37]

Sure. Chapter 1:


Buildings sliding past? Odd phrasing. Unless he has super speed.



Florid phrasing for something as mundane as someone whistling.



Needs italicized for thought.




So the boy’s name is Aegis? Weird place to first drop his name. Right at the end of a scene description paragraph.




Awkward phrasing continues.

Overall impression: odd phrasing in place, unlikable character to follow. Everything tries too hard to be violent but doesn’t actually make me care because Aegis could die the next moment, and I couldn’t care less. Also, he’s just watching a fight. That further distances me from this opening chapter.

The synopsis is a bait-and-switch. At the start it made me believe the paladin is a main character. I would have preferred that to be true, only to be whipped by the end of the synopsis by an implication that he is dead and his son is to carry his torch. That was disappointing, since your true MC barely even makes an appearance in that synopsis.

Would I continue? No.

The prose needs a lot of work, the sentences are staccato without much variation, the story started off boring as hell despite trying hard to be violent. Violence is loud but without an emotional anchor, it’s just noise.

The MC is the worst part of the opening chapter. Who would want to follow a flat, shallow boy who’s excited about skull-smashing with no purpose, no goals, no interiority?

The problem isn’t a lack of morality. You can create a villainous lead that readers find irresistible, but this isn’t the case here. Sure one can argue that the Mc has room for growth, but hint at it. Here we have him thrilled to hear skulls cracking and excited to see blood spray, despite being a lowlife thief. Readers aren’t going to wait around for him to grow when he doesn’t even engage them in his opening.

ouch.