If you have the time, please try reading my novel. Since my English isn't very good, I used a translation tool; I hope this won't disrupt your reading experience.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2120645/empire/
I normally wouldn’t give feedback on translated work, by Deepseek perhaps, but this is clearly a direct translation from your own language, not ai prompting, so it follows your voice fairly closely. For that reason, I will give you my opinion.
A wrong ritual, a returning ghost, a belated conquest.This is not merely a story about power, but rather a questioning of legal principles.
This synopsis tells me nothing. Nothing at all. How are you going to distinguish your work among 20+ new releases every day?
Also, number your chapters.
chapter 1:
Your first chapter was dense. The fight scene went on too long, fireballs after fireballs. The descriptions are lengthy as well. Given that your synopsis is lacking and your chapter takes too long to set things up, you need to start with a stronger scene.
When we don’t yet care about your characters, we are not that engaged in reading back and forth battles between characters we are barely getting acquainted with. What does Fiona have to lose? Nothing yet. When we aren’t emotionally attached to her, we don’t invest in the fight choreography and just skip it entirely.
The setting is, in fact, atmospheric and quite immersive, though they are cliché, stock descriptions. The dialogue is particularly weak, especially Fiona’s.
“Burgundy wine only gets better with age, you know,” Gulgar said, his voice thick with sarcasm.
“Apologies. I prefer candy over wine,” Fiona shot back with a playful smile.
“Is that so? What a shame. The only thing I have to offer you here is death.”
This is something I have seen before in many Chinese novels. It’s not original. You need to sharpen Fiona’s wit and make Gulgar’s voice less caricatured.
“I’m fine. Though I can’t say for certain, that heart is likely the missing heart of the new Emperor. He is the only victim with such high mana concentration whose heart was cut from his body. Also, pull up the files on the Chaos Cult for me. The mastermind here is powerful—most likely a high-ranking member of the cult. That twisted form looks immensely powerful as well. It seems our days are about to get a lot harder,” Fiona said quietly, staring at the wreckage of the hall.
That was just pure exposition. Wouldn’t Fiona’s comrade already know the background? Even if Gulgar vanished by teleportation, their first logical step would be to try to locate him—with magic, sigils, or at least brainstorming about it—instead of simply accepting it and listening to her lengthy explanation.
Overall, I’m indifferent about this. Albrecht’s reveal is a nice touch, him wearing a Prussian blue officer’s coat is an even nicer touch, though I don’t think many casual readers would recognize who he was. Thus, Chap 1 is left without much of a hook or a main character to anchor to.
The third-person omniscient POV is fine but it is just a tad distant from whoever the MC is. I’m guessing it’s Albrecht, since this is isekai. In traditional works, this kind of set-up might work. But in the WN space, the moment readers are confused about whom to follow, and when the plot itself isn’t particularly original or the prose lacks voice, people check out easily. German readers might wink at you, though it is still niche for general readers.
One thing you shouldn’t expect from WN readers is patience. If you want their patience, give them a hook first, not “trust me, this will git gud,” when you’re a new writer. Give them something concrete to look forward to. If you really want to go down this path, I would suggest something I personally would never write: a prologue.
You’ve done a lot of research on this, but you need to restructure and proofread it through the lens of a blind LN reader who has no knowledge, and craft a stronger opening scene. You built a fight scene when you needed to build a character. You created atmosphere when you needed to create real stakes. You showed a plot when you needed to create a question.
www.scribblehub.com
