Rofl.
Here it is.
Warren Fern isn't the kind of young man you'd expect to be the source of positive energy in a team or a leader. No. He's the opposite of those. Besides that, his friends knows that he's a natural gamer, has talents at quite a lot of things, and is an...
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Synopsis:
-Polish your grammar.
-Some sentences are a bit clunky, but generally it reads fine.
-It flows well, except for the following issue:
he is given a developer system, the ugly kind. The kind of system that only has a few excellent features and that's it, which he despise openly.
Too wordy, too vague. Something like, “He is given a developer system that is 10% functional 90% UI fluff. Oh boy…” would establish your character more immediately with fewer words.
At first, he was planning to go on with his new life on a normal, mundane daily life cycle. But then, the new world he lives in has some facts that bothers him as a gamer, and more so as a programmer who's secretly good at game design.
Lengthy, especially the first sentence. Needs trimming.
Overall: Warren Fern is a programmer. Make sure your synopsis shows that through specific programmer quirks. The hook arrives too late. It is basically about an overpowered developer in another world and so it has marketability, so you need to get there faster. Don’t waste your words focusing on the negatives.
Chapter 1:
Again, polish your grammar until you can see your own reflection in it. Tenses keep switching, and awkward sentences keep… awkwarding.
What I do like about the beginning is that you get to the “waking up in another world” moment quickly and get the story moving.
Five paragraphs later… I take that back. The description of the stinkiness drags on and on, and on.
What for? Be succinct. While there’s a fun injection of humor here and there, it’s a slog to read. Keep the humor, keep the character voice, snap that scissors, and trim.
The guy thinks he’s being kidnapped. Instead of opening the laptop to search for help, he admires the interior design in long-winded paragraphs. Maybe he’s not a logical nerd but an interior design nerd. Who knows? Why, I ask, did he spend so much time describing the apartment?
When he finally reaches his ID, you’ve wasted more words describing everything else but the ID.
Hope this is the key for the front door.
Isn’t door supposed to be… open from the inside? Warren didn’t even try to open the door yet and just concluded that it’s locked when he took his sweet time exploring the apartment.
I grab a mug and fill it with tap water before flushing out my thirst. There's also a refrigerator, one where I find some eggs, vegetables, fruits, and a slice of brownies.
This is where I would have stopped reading. Guy assumes he’s kidnapped, guy is casually exploring his kidnapper’s fridge like he has all the time in the world.
But because you asked twice, I will follow through purely because you seem sincere in wanting constructive feedback.
And… it ends with your MC realizing he’s not home.
We already know that. Without reading this chapter, we already know that.
I read this chapter before Chapter 0 by accident, my bad. A few observations about the structure first: there’s no need to make it Chap 0. Rename it Chap 1 and combine the scenes, ending with a stronger hook.
My main problem is with your MC. He doesn’t read like a proficient developer who has been in the workforce for a while. If anything, he reads like a distracted teen who has only been vibe coding. There are a few practical issues here:
First, you mention he is proficient in the synopsis, but competent coders love optimization. They spend hours refining fully functional code just to make it run faster or reduce the chance of human error. Warren’s observations are anything but. He whines about codes. He takes illogical action when waking up, as if you were simply taking your time describing irrelevant settings.
Second, fatigue. The synopsis planted the hook, but your first chapters pour gasoline on it instead and light it on fire. And not the good fire. The click-the-‘X’ button fire.
