Looking feedback for my novel darker obsession a dystopian hindu mythical story

[Shanikumar]

Hello, I had thoughts of writting frictional novel using hindu mythology and lore for a long time and i did here in scribble hub i want feedback on
Charecter, world building, pacing and Power l. even a small comment of your would be very helpful and appreciated.

Thankyou for being here

Darker obsession:- https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1731575/darker-obsession/

 

[Eldoria]

i want feedback on
Charecter, world building, pacing and Power

Honestly, aside from pacing, characters and world building (including the power system) are the story content I consider as the last resort when giving feedback. Why?

To analyze story content, reviewers have to read many chapters (at least 10k words, I think) to analyze the coherence of the story content. The average (volunteer) reviewer won't have the energy (and time) to read that much.

I prefer to provide feedback on how the story is conveyed to the reader (storytelling) based on the few chapters I've read, with an emphasis on the reading experience.

 

[Shanikumar]

Honestly, aside from pacing, characters and world building (including the power system) are the story content I consider as the last resort when giving feedback. Why?

To analyze story content, reviewers have to read many chapters (at least 10k words, I think) to analyze the coherence of the story content. The average (volunteer) reviewer won't have the energy (and time) to read that much.

I prefer to provide feedback on how the story is conveyed to the reader (storytelling) based on the few chapters I've read, with an emphasis on the reading experience.

That would be nice , and thankyou for your cohesive advice, Appreciated
And thanks

 

[Eldoria]

Well, I've read three of your chapters, dude. I've also read reviews of your work from other reviewers, both positive and negative.

My impression is that, overall, you have a good ability to narrate the atmosphere of the story. You can draw me, the reader, into your world through sensory details. This can be considered a narrative strength.

Now, let me explain the shortcomings of your narrative. The chapters I read use first POV. In first POV, all information is supposed to be subjective, based on the experience of the narrator (the "I" character).

But here's the problem: your chapters often suffer from POV leaks, where the first POV often shifts to omniscient POV. I'll quote the chapter below. Notice how your protagonist fights:

Before anyone could blink—SNAP.

A sharp twist of my wrist. A blur.

The Butcher’s neck turned violently to the side — not broken, but enough to end the fight. His eyes rolled back, body going limp before crashing to the floor.

Silence swallowed the pit.

The crowd stood frozen, unsure whether to cheer or scream. Even the announcer’s mic crackled with hesitation.

I lowered my hand slowly. My breath came steady.

He is twisted and his vision is blurry. However, what happens in your narrative?

The narrative actually provides a fairly objective depiction. The narrator accurately describes the atmosphere on the battlefield: the conditions of the audience, the opponent, and the host.

This narrative couldn't possibly be narrated by a protagonist in shock after a fight. It's more like the author's voice trying to explain the plot.

This is what ultimately makes your character feel bland. Why?

Because in the first POV, the experience should be subjective and emotional. The advantage of the first POV is that it immerses the reader in the character's body.

The narrative distance between the reader and the character should be zero, so the reader will experience the same emotional reactions as the "I" character in the story.

However, when the POV shifts to an omniscient POV, the reader is forced to be removed from the character's body and become a cold, objective outside observer.

As a result, immersion is broken, and the tension is lost. The reader feels like they've lost their connection to your character. That's why causal readers comment, "Your character feels bland." That makes sense.

So, my suggestion is to be more rigorous in your first POV narration. Try writing from the mind of a character who lives in the present moment in their world.

Reduce meta-comments explaining the world, other characters, and the plot.

Let your character interact with the environment and act organically.

This way, your character will feel more alive in the present moment, rather than just a storyteller.

Alternatively, given your atmospheric narration skills, you might consider switching from the first POV to a limited third POV.

This way, you can depict both the environment and the character without worrying about POV leakage.

You just have to write a narrative objectively and intimately, like a camera following the journey of a single protagonist.

Well, that's a little feedback from me.

Regards.

 

[Shanikumar]

Well, I've read three of your chapters, dude. I've also read reviews of your work from other reviewers, both positive and negative.

My impression is that, overall, you have a good ability to narrate the atmosphere of the story. You can draw me, the reader, into your world through sensory details. This can be considered a narrative strength.

Now, let me explain the shortcomings of your narrative. The chapters I read use first POV. In first POV, all information is supposed to be subjective, based on the experience of the narrator (the "I" character).

But here's the problem: your chapters often suffer from POV leaks, where the first POV often shifts to omniscient POV. I'll quote the chapter below. Notice how your protagonist fights:

He is twisted and his vision is blurry. However, what happens in your narrative?

The narrative actually provides a fairly objective depiction. The narrator accurately describes the atmosphere on the battlefield: the conditions of the audience, the opponent, and the host.

This narrative couldn't possibly be narrated by a protagonist in shock after a fight. It's more like the author's voice trying to explain the plot.

This is what ultimately makes your character feel bland. Why?

Because in the first POV, the experience should be subjective and emotional. The advantage of the first POV is that it immerses the reader in the character's body.

The narrative distance between the reader and the character should be zero, so the reader will experience the same emotional reactions as the "I" character in the story.

However, when the POV shifts to an omniscient POV, the reader is forced to be removed from the character's body and become a cold, objective outside observer.

As a result, immersion is broken, and the tension is lost. The reader feels like they've lost their connection to your character. That's why causal readers comment, "Your character feels bland." That makes sense.

So, my suggestion is to be more rigorous in your first POV narration. Try writing from the mind of a character who lives in the present moment in their world.

Reduce meta-comments explaining the world, other characters, and the plot.

Let your character interact with the environment and act organically.

This way, your character will feel more alive in the present moment, rather than just a storyteller.

Alternatively, given your atmospheric narration skills, you might consider switching from the first POV to a limited third POV.

This way, you can depict both the environment and the character without worrying about POV leakage.

You just have to write a narrative objectively and intimately, like a camera following the journey of a single protagonist.

Well, that's a little feedback from me.

Regards.

"Thank you so much! I immensely appreciate it. This is my very first novel, and I want it to be deep; I want the reader to feel a sense of immersion and depth through my main character.
As you mentioned, my narration leaked into 'omniscient' territory there. I didn’t even realise it at the time—I just wrote and wrote. However, I improved in the following chapters as I got the hang of it and finally grasped the first-person POV. Believe me, the later chapters are much better than the first two or three.
My character isn't the type to show much emotion. I might have chosen a difficult style for a newbie, but it came directly from my mind, so I went with it. It’s frustrating because people don't always give the later chapters a try; they only read the initial ones. It makes sense that they’d stop if the beginning feels loose, but I wish they would stick with it to see the improvement and the flow.
Either way, I am fixing this scene now. Thank you again for your time and valuable feedback. I am truly grateful!"

 

[Eldoria]

"Thank you so much! I immensely appreciate it. This is my very first novel, and I want it to be deep; I want the reader to feel a sense of immersion and depth through my main character.
As you mentioned, my narration leaked into 'omniscient' territory there. I didn’t even realise it at the time—I just wrote and wrote. However, I improved in the following chapters as I got the hang of it and finally grasped the first-person POV. Believe me, the later chapters are much better than the first two or three.
My character isn't the type to show much emotion. I might have chosen a difficult style for a newbie, but it came directly from my mind, so I went with it. It’s frustrating because people don't always give the later chapters a try; they only read the initial ones. It makes sense that they’d stop if the beginning feels loose, but I wish they would stick with it to see the improvement and the flow.
Either way, I am fixing this scene now. Thank you again for your time and valuable feedback. I am truly grateful!"

You can always rewrite the early chapters, dude. Treat your fiction as a product that will be continually revised until there are no more gaps to critique. And most authors revise their early chapters periodically as their narrative skills develop.

 

[Shanikumar]

You can always rewrite the early chapters, dude. Treat your fiction as a product that will be continually revised until there are no more gaps to critique. And most authors revise their early chapters periodically as their narrative skills develop.

thanks i'll remember it , and as a matter of fact i've just rewrite the full chapter
if you like you can read it again chapter 3 https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1731575-darker-obsession/chapter/1745597/ hope you will like it and please do read latter chapters thankyou so much again .

 

[Eldoria]

thanks i'll remember it , and as a matter of fact i've just rewrite the full chapter
if you like you can read it again chapter 3 https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1731575-darker-obsession/chapter/1745597/ hope you will like it and please do read latter chapters thankyou so much again .

Good, the rewritten version is better than the previous one.

However, unfortunately, this POV leak occurs not only in battles but also in previous chapters. In the prologue, for example, the narrator provides exposition related to worldbuilding. This narrative would be more organic if you packaged it in a conversation between the child and the mother before entering the tragedy. This way, information is truly obtained from the interactions between the characters, not the omniscient knowledge of the narrator.

Furthermore, I saw another reviewer sharply criticized the sudden timeskip (10 years) between chapters 1 and 2. I think... you can improve your narrative to feel more organic. How?

Make the murder scene in chapter 1 a nightmare for your protagonist. You can connect the transition between chapters 1 and 2 with the opening of chapter 2, where the protagonist wakes from sleep experiencing some kind of PTSD symptoms: cold sweat, trembling hands, shortness of breath, and haunting memories of the past.

You can narrate this scene at the beginning of chapter 2. So, what happens in the prologue chapter is a nightmare that the protagonist experiences (10 years later) in chapter 2. That way, your narrative doesn't feel like a forced timeskip; this will make the flow of your scenes feel more fluid and organic.

This will also give your character depth as a tragic character. This way, your narrative will feel darker and more immersive, in keeping with the dark fantasy genre.

Okay, that's a little additional feedback from me.

Regards.

 

[Shanikumar]

Good, the rewritten version is better than the previous one.

However, unfortunately, this POV leak occurs not only in battles but also in previous chapters. In the prologue, for example, the narrator provides exposition related to worldbuilding. This narrative would be more organic if you packaged it in a conversation between the child and the mother before entering the tragedy. This way, information is truly obtained from the interactions between the characters, not the omniscient knowledge of the narrator.

Furthermore, I saw another reviewer sharply criticized the sudden timeskip (10 years) between chapters 1 and 2. I think... you can improve your narrative to feel more organic. How?

Make the murder scene in chapter 1 a nightmare for your protagonist. You can connect the transition between chapters 1 and 2 with the opening of chapter 2, where the protagonist wakes from sleep experiencing some kind of PTSD symptoms: cold sweat, trembling hands, shortness of breath, and haunting memories of the past.

You can narrate this scene at the beginning of chapter 2. So, what happens in the prologue chapter is a nightmare that the protagonist experiences (10 years later) in chapter 2. That way, your narrative doesn't feel like a forced timeskip; this will make the flow of your scenes feel more fluid and organic.

This will also give your character depth as a tragic character. This way, your narrative will feel darker and more immersive, in keeping with the dark fantasy genre.

Okay, that's a little additional feedback from me.

Regards.

Thankyou so much for your lovely feedbacks, and I know what you are pointing out too the thing is I was about to do exactly what you've described when I were writing the initial chapters but the chapter one is not a full chapter or a full scenario you see the first chapter is what kael is dreaming or rather having the Memories while sleep in the train in 2nd chapter you see it's not the full scen that might have occurred in first chapter of it were not his dream it would have been more deep I get your idea about showing some PTDS sypmtoms on him but as I previously mentioned the mc is not usual one since you haven't know the whole contextual Idea of what is stroy even about and where it going it normal i know you are not seeing him in my vision as I am author so it's obvious i know what he would be like in his early future as stroy progress and i did add a one line detail in chapter 2 very first line you cans see it again just a minor change I've made and it definitely feel more organic and authentic you should try it once just the initial line . You'll like it i am sure . And thankyou so so much for your supportive feedback . I am a newbie and english is my mostly third language so i might leak but I'll improve I know it and I promise, ams i also am learning art so i can shape my fill characters form my head to paper I've made a charcter that is shown in future chapters of you like I can show you so you you can also give me your thoughts in it , but I am a beginner so it might not be as good as other artist's.

 

[Lufli]

@Eldoria, you must be very patient with how AI is used.

 

[Eldoria]

@Eldoria, you must be very patient with how AI is used.

Honestly... I don't want to get involved in the AI debate; I just want to focus on the manuscript, the quality of the narrative, and the reader experience.

Even AI detectors don't dare claim to be accurate. I just want to focus on writing.

 

[Lufli]

Honestly... I don't want to get involved in the AI debate; I just want to focus on the manuscript, the quality of the narrative, and the reader experience.

Even AI detectors don't dare claim to be accurate. I just want to focus on writing.

That's respectable. I usually don't get myself involved either, but talking to a human should be the bare minimum. Even though it might be hard for this author to convey his emotions, he once stated that he didn't use AI to reply to others.

 

[Eldoria]

That's respectable. I usually don't get myself involved either, but talking to a human should be the bare minimum. Even though it might be hard for this author to convey his emotions, he once stated that he didn't use AI to reply to others.

Huh? What are you talking about? Is there anyone who replies to messages using AI?

 

[Lufli]

Huh? What are you talking about? Is there anyone who replies to messages using AI?

Yes, unfortunately.

"Thank you so much! I immensely appreciate it. This is my very first novel, and I want it to be deep; I want the reader to feel a sense of immersion and depth through my main character.
As you mentioned, my narration leaked into 'omniscient' territory there. I didn’t even realise it at the time—I just wrote and wrote. However, I improved in the following chapters as I got the hang of it and finally grasped the first-person POV. Believe me, the later chapters are much better than the first two or three.
My character isn't the type to show much emotion. I might have chosen a difficult style for a newbie, but it came directly from my mind, so I went with it. It’s frustrating because people don't always give the later chapters a try; they only read the initial ones. It makes sense that they’d stop if the beginning feels loose, but I wish they would stick with it to see the improvement and the flow.
Either way, I am fixing this scene now. Thank you again for your time and valuable feedback. I am truly grateful!"

You see how this reply starts and ends with quotes? Additionally, the tone shifts strongly and punctuation and grammar are flawless. It's pretty unlikely that the author wrote this himself. I don't want to wrong anyone, I'm just sharing my impression.

 

[Shanikumar]

@Eldoria, you must be very patient with how AI is used.

That's respectable. I usually don't get myself involved either, but talking to a human should be the bare minimum. Even though it might be hard for this author to convey his emotions, he once stated that he didn't use AI to reply to others.

hello there, i get your concern over AI usage, you might have been taken this other way around , i mentioned i didn't use ai for reply because someone accused me of using AI to reply my comments , he might have been using ai detector too much because some ai detector flagg human writing to ai to because of some certain words that been used too straight forward and frequently. And as i stated I've never used ai to reply my comments nor in my story, english is not my language so I've to make sure that grammer and spelling won't slip so that's why I only use grammer corrector as a editor that's it . That might be causing ai detectors to State the writing is not XYZ percent human written , all the theme plot character evrything have came straight form my minde, hope it clears your concern over it . Thanks for your thoughts

Yes, unfortunately.


You see how this reply starts and ends with quotes? Additionally, the tone shifts strongly and punctuation and grammar are flawless. It's pretty unlikely that the author wrote this himself. I don't want to wrong anyone, I'm just sharing my impression.

You are right about quotation marks and and grammer , when I've to explain somthing or comment large i sometimes messed up the spellings and grammer so I write it whether it's correct or incorrect and before post the reply i just go to Google and ask him to fix spelling and grammer, that's it i might have easily remove quotation mark but I know many people know that this comment is used for correction that's it i never bother to make it proffessional or looks flawless i just write and makes correct. And I don't use AI to write comments or story I put all efforts on my own , thanks hope you don't minde me correcting my comments, spellings and grammer in Google

hello there, i get your concern over AI usage, you might have been taken this other way around , i mentioned i didn't use ai for reply because someone accused me of using AI to reply my comments , he might have been using ai detector too much because some ai detector flagg human writing to ai to because of some certain words that been used too straight forward and frequently. And as i stated I've never used ai to reply my comments nor in my story, english is not my language so I've to make sure that grammer and spelling won't slip so that's why I only use grammer corrector as a editor that's it . That might be causing ai detectors to State the writing is not XYZ percent human written , all the theme plot character evrything have came straight form my minde, hope it clears your concern over it . Thanks for your thoughts

You are right about quotation marks and and grammer , when I've to explain somthing or comment large i sometimes messed up the spellings and grammer so I write it whether it's correct or incorrect and before post the reply i just go to Google and ask him to fix spelling and grammer, that's it i might have easily remove quotation mark but I know many people know that this comment is used for correction that's it i never bother to make it proffessional or looks flawless i just write and makes correct. And I don't use AI to write comments or story I put all efforts on my own , thanks hope you don't minde me correcting my comments, spellings and grammer in Google thank for your thought

 

[Lufli]

hello there, i get your concern over AI usage, you might have been taken this other way around , i mentioned i didn't use ai for reply because someone accused me of using AI to reply my comments , he might have been using ai detector too much because some ai detector flagg human writing to ai to because of some certain words that been used too straight forward and frequently. And as i stated I've never used ai to reply my comments nor in my story, english is not my language so I've to make sure that grammer and spelling won't slip so that's why I only use grammer corrector as a editor that's it . That might be causing ai detectors to State the writing is not XYZ percent human written , all the theme plot character evrything have came straight form my minde, hope it clears your concern over it . Thanks for your thoughts

You are right about quotation marks and and grammer , when I've to explain somthing or comment large i sometimes messed up the spellings and grammer so I write it whether it's correct or incorrect and before post the reply i just go to Google and ask him to fix spelling and grammer, that's it i might have easily remove quotation mark but I know many people know that this comment is used for correction that's it i never bother to make it proffessional or looks flawless i just write and makes correct. And I don't use AI to write comments or story I put all efforts on my own , thanks hope you don't minde me correcting my comments, spellings and grammer in Google

Okay, man. Just do your thing. My intention wasn't to demotivate you. Good luck.

 

[Shanikumar]

Okay, man. Just do your thing. My intention wasn't to demotivate you. Good luck.

thanks,i am not demotivated , i just want to have a clear conversation. my english is not that bad i just recheck my long writting somtimes so that my thought wont feel odd or hard to understand . i am always greatfull to every one thoughts , its so nice to see people crtitic AI usage and want the human autheticity in this. you are a very nice person again thankyou so much for your thoughts.