I'll review first chapters... ?

[LeilaniOtter]

Are the 20 slots taken already?

I have already gotten review from feedbackers like Yuin who helped alot in improving my writing. But if I have made it here on time do give it a read. Im always open to improving even further.

Strongest Mage in History

Strongest Mage in History

In the Human Realm, a fragile peace is maintained under the shadow of ancient wars. Angels watch from their celestial domain, and Demons lurk in their own, but for Nia Fahari, these are just stories. Her world is the dirt and desperation of the streets. Her only assets are an...

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Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading?

Really liked the battlefield tableau you set out in the Prologue. That together with the entanglement at the Stone Jug just had me feeling like this was going to be one of those high-octane action projects. There’s really not much “story” just yet, your chapters are actually quite shorter than I’m used to reading. Nothing wrong with that!

Are the characters standing out?

I liked Nia right away, no-nonsense, quick thinking, abrupt. A bit of a loner but then it seems like she’s had a rough time of things. I can’t make too much out of her new friend Edrick just yet but if he needs Nia’s help to deal with some drunk orcs, there’s going to be trouble. And they just might make a good fit. *^^*


Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next"?

Naturally. It’s difficult to NOT find out more about Edrick and what he wishes to discuss with Nia. That was very sneaky of you ending it on such a cliffhanger. lol

How is the pacing?

Ehhh. I would have liked to see a bit more going on. A tavern fight doth not a story make, though it DOES provide character development for Nia, so well done there. The Prologue was dreadfully way too short. I’d have loved to read a bit more…ANYTHING, I guess. You’ve got such a flair for descriptive battle scenes; it would have been great to know perhaps what this battle was, what it was about, etc. (although I’m sure you probably speak of it elsewhere Or...maybe include a last fighting scene at the start.)

I’m wary of the tense-shift also in the Prologue, and the passive voice in Chapter One.

Example:

“…nine, ten, eleven.” Eleven Silvers. She sighed. Her gaze went distant. Enough to scrape by another month at least.

Nia was sitting hunched over a small table in the corner of The Stone Jug, an inn that was famous for its low prices and generous portions.

She was broken out of her thoughts by the waitress as she placed a bowl of vegetable stew in front of her pile of coins. Only then did she truly take in her surroundings. The inn wasn’t the busiest today.

She started devouring her stew as her eyes began scanning the room. At the bar sat a man who looked completely out of place, a man with brown skin. I haven’t seen someone like that around these parts. It wasn’t just his skin tone that caught her eye, but also his clothes. He wasn’t wearing anything fancy, and yet his clothes were too clean for this establishment.

Way too passive. Needs more active.

“…nine, ten, eleven.” Eleven Silvers. She sighed. Her gaze went distant. Enough to scrape by another month at least.

Nia sat hunched over a small table in the corner of The Stone Jug, an inn that was famous for its low prices and generous portions. When the waitress placed a bowl of vegetable stew in front of her pile of coins, only then did she break from her thoughts and truly take in her surroundings. The inn wasn’t the busiest today.

She devoured her stew as her eyes scanned the room…etc.


How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?

I touched on this before. Just a little more world-building needed for the Prologue. I didn’t see too much glaring with Chapter One. I thought things were well detailed. *^^* You can definitely write good details.

Grammar/Spelling:

Tense-shifts, passive voice, things like that can affect your pacing. Try to keep an eye out for when you’re being passive.

Strengths:

Good beginning; character development; dialogue, loved it.

Weaknesses:

Some grammar issues that are easily fixable. Altogether though, well-written.

Overall, a solid B (Take that, orcs!) *^^*

 

[CharlesEBrown]

“…nine, ten, eleven.” Eleven Silvers. She sighed. Her gaze went distant. Enough to scrape by another month at least.

Nia sat hunched over a small table in the corner of The Stone Jug, an inn that was famous for its low prices and generous portions. When the waitress placed a bowl of vegetable stew in front of her pile of coins, only then did she break from her thoughts and truly take in her surroundings. The inn wasn’t the busiest today.

She devoured her stew as her eyes scanned the room…etc.

Could remove more passive voice and just say "the Stone Jug, an inn famous for..."

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Could remove more passive voice and just say "the Stone Jug, an inn famous for..."

Yep. I have a habit of doing that too. It's just when it's glaring passive, its a bit of a problem for me. *^^*

PLEASE NOTE, EVERYONE: I'm finishing up the last of these. I can't receive any new requests. But if you follow my main SH account, I'm going to start posting links to documents in my main profile page that talk about what the different areas I cover in the review, and provide a "checklist" of sorts to see where your project is going. *^^*

LeilaniOtter's Profile | Scribble Hub

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[AIside]

Hello, I'm a newbie here. I hope you can also take a look at my work. It's supposed to be a real YA novel, but I decided to change it to a webnovel format. Still not sure with the pacing and whatnot. I'll check some of your work too so I can get an idea of how writers write here at SH.

Ray Streights & The Blue City’s Fugitive

Ray Streights never asked to be Vluephire Dome’s newest headline. One minute, he was flunking history and failing at gift-giving; the next, he was stabbing a skyscraper-sized mutant mantis with his best friend’s hacked-together laser pen. Now half the city thinks he’s a hero, the Dome President...

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[Roney]

Could remove more passive voice and just say "the Stone Jug, an inn famous for..."

I dont get it. Do you mean like this?

'The Stone Jug, an inn that was famous for its low prices and generous portions. Nia sat hunched over a small table in the corner. “…nine, ten, eleven.” Eleven Silvers. She sighed....'

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Hello, I'm a newbie here. I hope you can also take a look at my work. It's supposed to be a real YA novel, but I decided to change it to a webnovel format. Still not sure with the pacing and whatnot. I'll check some of your work too so I can get an idea of how writers write here at SH.

Ray Streights & The Blue City’s Fugitive

Ray Streights never asked to be Vluephire Dome’s newest headline. One minute, he was flunking history and failing at gift-giving; the next, he was stabbing a skyscraper-sized mutant mantis with his best friend’s hacked-together laser pen. Now half the city thinks he’s a hero, the Dome President...

www.scribblehub.com

As I said, I'm done with reviews for now. But, if you follow my page on SH, I'm putting together some short blogs that will go into some detail about how I review, what I look for, etc., to guide you. *^^*

LeilaniOtter's Profile | Scribble Hub

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[amirhosseinb1]

This is the link to my novel. I would be happy if you would check it out.

The Heir of Truth

A boy. A curse. And a secret that could change the world. Arian is the last of a bloodline erased by a dark prophecy and an ancient curse. Raised in secrecy by a mysterious dragon named Zinarphil, he now enters a school ruled by the enemies who destroyed his family....

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[AIside]

As I said, I'm done with reviews for now. But, if you follow my page on SH, I'm putting together some short blogs that will go into some detail about how I review, what I look for, etc., to guide you. *^^*

LeilaniOtter's Profile | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

My bad, I overlooked it. Imma check those short blogs. Thanks!

 

[CharlesEBrown]

I dont get it. Do you mean like this?

'The Stone Jug, an inn that was famous for its low prices and generous portions. Nia sat hunched over a small table in the corner. “…nine, ten, eleven.” Eleven Silvers. She sighed....'

No, I'm saying you don't need the "that was" - unless you're trying for a specific word count. It isn't wrong to include, but it is not needed (except as word count padding, something I've had to do a few times recently).

 

[ZannaYO]

Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time.

Hi, don't mean to be pushy, but just in case you forgot, am I still on the waiting list?

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Hi, don't mean to be pushy, but just in case you forgot, am I still on the waiting list?

Yes, let me work on yours tomorrow, okay? I'm sorry. Holidays and all.

 

[Lau29]

I noticed this post while reading at forum and decided maybe I could try it as well.

If it's not much trouble please try reading mine. I'm still new at writing and hoping to hear some insights specially on how dialogue works in mystery type of stories.


The work is titled "The other side" currently with five chapters uploaded here. Please do give it a try

 

[C.S.Valiant]

Hey @LeilaniOtter I'd be grateful if you could give me some brutally frank feedback on my first work of fiction: A Modern Mind in Medieval Times.
Let me know what you liked, what you didn't. If you didn't find the story gripping, why not?

 

[Soulforged_k]

I'm not going to post anything until the series bugs work themselves out and I'm back in good standing again, so I'll read for a bit here.
I'll look at your first chapters and give completely honest, professional evaluations on:

1. Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading? Are the characters standing out? Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next". (I'll add works to my reading list in that instance so I can keep reading.) How is the pacing? How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?
2. Grammar/Spelling: I'm nuts about proper grammar/spelling, but I realize there are exceptions to every rule. For example, your book might be a narrative and "speaking" is always different with different people. Like "kinda" instead of "kind of", etc., which is fine. I won't point out everything; just give you examples on something that glared at me, and how to fix it.
3. Strengths/Weaknesses: Is there something you can improve upon? Is there something you could add to a character, or a scene, or your world that mightI make the chapter flow better? What was it I really liked/disliked about the chapter?

Before I began writing full-time, my partner and I were in literary representation. We were doing okay until the economy took a nose-dive in the 2000s and we couldn't stay in that industry, and turned to freelance work again. But I still love to read and have a firm grasp on what's hot.

So, let me know if I can help, and if you feel so inclined, happily read my work as well. (just be mindful it's mostly NSFW) ?

Would prefer private consultations only; however if you'd like a glowing review shared here in this post, (because you did such a great job), I don't mind posting my review here too.

UPDATE: I'm going to limit this service to 20 people. I'm already getting swamped. ?

I would appreciate if you took a look at mine

http://wbnv.in/a/ebjJeSe

 

[LeilaniOtter]

I noticed this post while reading at forum and decided maybe I could try it as well.

If it's not much trouble please try reading mine. I'm still new at writing and hoping to hear some insights specially on how dialogue works in mystery type of stories.


The work is titled "The other side" currently with five chapters uploaded here. Please do give it a try

Hey @LeilaniOtter I'd be grateful if you could give me some brutally frank feedback on my first work of fiction: A Modern Mind in Medieval Times.
Let me know what you liked, what you didn't. If you didn't find the story gripping, why not?

I had initially limited my readings to 20 people, but since the thread is still active, I guess it's okay. Let me catch up on the others still owed. *^^*

 

[wen1271934079]

"Hey, your story looks interesting! I'd love to swap reviews. Here is the link to my novel: Star Nexus: The Debtor | Scribble Hub

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Hi, don't mean to be pushy, but just in case you forgot, am I still on the waiting list?

Consorts of the Court

(A REVERSE WORLD STORY) In a world where women rule and men serve, Princess Moriya was born to conquer—not just lands, but hearts. Raised in the grandeur of Dyss, the most powerful Queendom on the continent, Moriya is destined to become Queen. But power in a matriarchal empire doesn't...

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Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading?

There is a good balance here between showing and telling. The story certainly has me curious. If only I were turning 16 years old and could have my own assortment of hot guys. *sighs*

Your story has a a certain “fairy-tale” style to it, which I like right away. It’s something you could read to a younger child – well, until the concubines show up. *^^* We’re given a taste of what it truly must have been like for ancient regal families with younger ones who ascended thrones before their time, such as China and Japan. The trials that Moriya has to suffer in her quest for queendom, the way Kia interacts almost indifferent to her, the insistence of regent Lady Simi that Moriya focus on her studies, all of this gives off the vibe of countless “princess stories" we all grew up with.

And unfortunately, that’s a problem later on.

Are the characters standing out?

Very well, really, from an interactive standpoint. I had to read this a few times to make sure but…there is absolutely no physical description of…anyone - or anything. I’m forced to imagine what everyone looks like. In a storybook world, we’d know quite a bit of description, (because as the reader, we’d want our children to picture themselves in the story) and there’s nothing there. I was a bit disappointed, because I was really enjoying from the beginning, the brief exposition that laid out the story. It just didn’t have the “physicals” to back anything up.

Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next"?

Another fault. =( No, it really didn’t. You needed to have something else. We have a dying queen, a whiny princess to ascend, her complaints to her father and handmaiden, and a little of her efforts and…that’s it. I think the chapter needed to end with a bit more of a punch, in my opinion. We needed something more to happen here. (or less; end the chapter with the princess ready to be driven mad by all her studies?)


How is the pacing?

Pretty well. As I said, I think we just needed something more to happen so that the pacing could be more accurately measured, that’s all. There is a good structure though, if we overlook a weak ending and focus more on Moriya’s efforts. You mentioned the calloused hands from archery practice. It would have been interesting to include a short scene where she was on the field, and nearly shot an arrow into someone else on accident – just something to add more to the chapter.


How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?

There’s just not enough there, description-wise, that I can draw a picture in my head. We have a castle and a court with no description of what they are like. We have non-descript characters. I think you’re setting something up, and maybe you explain more in the next chapters, I don’t know. But your world needs to be described more, so that the reader can picture it more. Don’t leave it all to our imagination. *^^*


Grammar/Spelling:

Well done here; hardly any errors I could see. It’s VERY well written.


Strengths:

I would say you excel at writing; grammar; dialogue is great

Weaknesses:

Definitely need to work on world-building and descriptions, and giving us a slamming good first chapter. It needs more, that’s all.


Overall, a solid C+ *^^*

 

[LuciferVermillion]

I reallyyyyy want to give it a go. Are you still available? I only need the first two chapters.

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/21...leads-to-a-god-of-a-new-world/chapter/211238/

 

[Soulforged_k]

Please can you view my novel, read it and give it an honest review ?

You can add it to your library if you liked it. Please ?

http://wbnv.in/a/ebjJeSe

 

[representingWisdom]

Hey I just uploaded and new novel. Give an review
Saga of Immortal' fate