I'll read your first chapter and tell you my opinion on it

[LastMinami]

The most important part of a web novel is the first chapter. It makes sense, really. On a place like scribblehub, where readers have millions of stories to choose from, it can be considered a privilige to even have them read your first chapter. This first chapter is usually where the reader decides whether they'll commit to the rest of the story or not. (I'd argue its the first few sentences even.) Some of you guys may be able to relate; but any time i try to write a story, the first chapter is always where i struggle the most.

After returning to writing (and scribblehub in general) after almost 3 years, i was thinking it'd be nice to get to know my fellow scribblehub authors a bit better. And what better way to do that than by reading you guys' stories? Now, I'll only be reading the first chapter (unless I'm super into the story), but hey, we've already established how important that first chapter is. I get quite busy, don't blame me...

What qualifies me to give you feedback? Absolutely nothing... Instead of looking at it as 'professional feedback', just think of it as a friends opinion of your stories :)

Fun bonus: Tell me what inspired you to write the story your working on! For me it was the Japan trip I just came back from with my best friend. I couldn't stop thinking about all the amazing things we did there, the wonderful people we met, the anxiety we had when we had to find our way through Shinjuku train station for the first time. My best friend and I keep talking about how it felt like a movie, so that's what inspired me to write my current story, i wanted to recapture how wonderful it can be to just get lost and adventure with someone you care about

edit: pls no smut ;_;

Survival is My Only Power

Michael Vekoc wasn't the chosen one. He was the abandoned one. Beaten in alleyways for a few coins. Betrayed by his own family. Forgotten by a world that didn't want to see him. Until Xix found him. Not a powerful god of war or wisdom. But a newborn deity, without...

www.scribblehub.com

If you ask me what inspired me... I suppose it was that time I was reading "100 Brides" and I thought, if I write something better, maybe someday I'll get a contract and stop working someday...

 

[Jaymi]

Beast Heroes: Bianca’s Genisis

Follow the tale of Bianca Verdant, a 10 year old Awakened Beast Hero as she forges her legacy in a world filled with turmoil and Fear, her kndness and understanding being her greatest weapons as she deals the perks and responsibilities of being an 'Early Bloomer'

www.scribblehub.com

Here you go

The underated fighting game, Bloody Roar was my Inspiration for this, if it wasn't for Konami's bad decisions, it could have rivaled the likes of Tekken or King of Fighters

Since Chapter 1 was super short, I wanted to read Chapter 2 as well. I’ll be honest, the formatting kinda killed my patience
Having to scroll sideways for basically every single line makes it really annoying to read on PC. It’s not about the writing itself, it’s just physically uncomfortable to get through the chapter like that.

I’d really recommend reformatting it so it's more accessible, because a story inspired by fighting games actually really piqued my interest.

Here you go

A Place To Bloom - Called | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Funny story, I also started this on the way back from Japan. In our case, the plane left late and we missed our connection in Toronto, only to get stranded for a week.

On the plus side, I did take the kids to explore a small corner of Canada and we spent some pastel-colored money along the way

I would panic so hard if that happened to me, I'm always sooo paranoid whenever I'm at an airport just for that reason.

Anyway, you hooked me pretty fast.
I like how it just drops you straight into the story without wasting any time. One thing you did really well in my opinion, was making the world feel lived in. It doesn’t feel like everything just revolves around the protagonist.

Each character feels real and important, and I liked their dynamic with each other and with Caleb.
The only “negative” for me is that in just one chapter, you introduced a ton of characters. It didn’t ruin anything, but it was a lot to take in at once for someone with the memory of a fish like me.

It’s also a really long chapter, so I can see some people not even wanting to start it. The writing kept me engaged the whole way through though, so I personally don't mind the length. Just a heads up, i guess.

On a sidenote, I think the synopsis is really good too. I’m a fan of short synopses that give me accurate expectations for the story.
Also, maybe consider adding chapter numbers in the titles. I like knowing what chapter I’m on while reading a story, and I have a feeling I’m gonna keep reading yours.

I just wanted to challenge myself at writing LitRPG Webnovels.

Hacking The System: KINGDOM OF STONE [LitRPG]

'Freedom. Peace. Hope.' It's 1979 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout America. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the Radical Guilds...

www.scribblehub.com

It's been a while since ive last read a LitRPG, I'm interested :)

I like the beginning, but there was one thing keeping me from being hooked at the very start:

She had tan skin, long blonde hair, blue eyes, and there was a jagged scar on the inside of her hand. As for her outfit, it was a simple black skirt, white blouse, high heels, and a diamond bracelet.

I feel like this kind of ruined the tempo you had going in the beginning. Sage ruining her no smoking streak, a man appearing with flowers. Her throwing them in the trash, this invested me, i wanna know what happens, not what she looks like, at least not now. A character description is fine, we all do it. But in my opinion, it can wait until I know I care about the character.

Today was going splendid...until Chuck, one of her old suitors came by with flowers and a speech. He left her workplace 10 minutes ago and the whole interaction made her relapse. The flowers were tossed in the trash as Sage stood outside the Middle school.
Of course, that wasn't the end. Chuck is just one of many suitors trying to claim her hand in marriage....

I feel like this could work better, because now in just a few sentences, I've grown more attached to Sage. And now I AM interested in what she looks like.

I liked the polo scene, dialogue between sage and the other women are fun to read and i could really imagine the scenes well.
The ending of the chapter was also really good, introducing the bird-monster who killed the guard was a good way to end it, and it made me want to continue reading.

The writing style is also good, I couldn't notice any grammar or punctuation mistakes, so it was a smooth read. I don't think i have anything else to nitpick about. Ill probably keep reading your story, because I'm also interested in the litrpg aspect of it.
Thanks for the submission, I enjoyed reading it a lot =)

 

[V8485]

I did the genre thing on purpose, and also the Tokyo thing is explained later on, kind of. I've never been a fan of dialogue tags, but I look over to make sure it's understandable. Also grammatical mistakes are always my worst enemy, so thanks for bringing up that there's more I gotta find. Thanks for taking time out of your day and looking.

 

[Jaymi]

I wouldn't object to any feedback or comments on my work, but do need to give advance notice on a few things.
The story begins on the Prelude, which in this series functions similarly to a prologue, but is presented through a different lens than the rest of the narrative.
Chapter 1 was also posted in two parts due to its hefty wordcount in an effort to make it easier to read on this platform.
Chapter 2 is where the action starts to pick up, and was released in three parts (again, for the same reason).

This series is primarily being written for print, and is merely being released chapter by chapter here as well, so it is not going to adhere to any of the typical webnovel tropes, structure, or styles.

The series: The Elarian Chronicles

PS: There is no sex in any of the early chapters. The smut genre is tagged for the planned, optional, bonus content [none of which has been released yet] that is primarily canonical fan-service that isn't narratively relevant. There is a planned slow-burn romance subplot over the course of five volumes, and will include sexual content later on when the narrative demands it, but if you're only planning to read the early chapters anyway, this shouldn't be an issue.

Date: Fuck if I know. - One month after shit hit the fan.

lol, i liked that.

Anyway, just a heads up: I might be a bit biased because your story has a most of the things I like in it. (it kinda reminded me of Overlord)
But yeah, I liked it. I really did. The writing style is easy to get immersed in, and at no point did I feel bored or want to skim. The narration is really casual and it almost feels like a friend telling you a story, if that makes sense.

I bought her a new computer, a gaming laptop, pretty high-end too.

Well isn't he such a good 'friend'.

Reading this felt weird in a good way, because I’m usually not a fan of chapters with little to no dialogue, but this one had me hooked from start to finish.
I put this in my reading list and will keep reading.

(One thing though: I didn’t really like having to skip through all the author note chapters before I could actually get to the story. I feel like most people, me included, won’t read those until they know they actually like the story first, so it might be better to move them elsewhere or keep them shorter.)

Try mine, if you dare.
This Is How I Lived

I dared, but the cover art told me not to read it so that concludes this review.
...
...
...

Okay fine.
I didn't expect to like this one as much as I did.. And that's mainly because of how unserious the protagonist is.
Thanks to your diary-style of writing, it feels like she's kind of just dealing with the situation as a joke for her own mental health, instead of it being a cringy unserious meta zombie-comedy.
There were some inconsistencies with the tense you used, but i guess you could argue that's part of the diary writing style.

The entire story just gives me 'I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl in the world~" vibes. And i love it.

Would I keep reading? Probably. This seems like a fun read after a long day of not so fun things.

Hey, girl in an apocalypse. How are ya?

Also, @Jaymi.

If somehow you're able to read all those submissions and are done with them, and somehow you're bored, you may check mine out.

I'll be seeing what you'll comment on my latest novel. It's on my signature, the one with a guy on a laptop.

Hope you enjoy.

Once again, I'm biased. As someone working on a game, I can't say no to a story called 'The definitive Experience of A GameDev'.

I’ll leave the plot and story concept aside for this one, because I do like them and it seems like you know what you're doing in that regard.

I'll try to make this review a bit more technical, because i notices some awkward things that kept the chapter from its full potential
First off: the dialogue was the weakest part of this chapter (I’ve read further and it gets better later), but I’d recommend tightening it up a bit here. Good dialogue in the first chapter is a must! The first conversation with his mom felt very “safe.” Is this supposed to be a perfect family? You could add a bit more nuance there, in my opinion.

Also, this is probably just a me thing, but “Yup” feels like a weird response to someone calling for you. Something like “Yes, ma?” or even “What’s up?” would feel more natural to me.

"Sweetheart!" She calls.

"Yup!" A male voice answered her call.

Another small personal ick: instead of “On the 2nd floor, the 2nd room…”, I’d go with “On the second floor, the second room…”
Seeing numbers like that kind of breaks immersion for me, not sure why.

some grammatical issues i noticed:
press --> presses

In a swift motion, he press Ctrl+s and closes the app, resting his back onto the chair afterwards.

Along side --> Alongside

pressing the Ctrl button along side the C button and V button on his keyboard.

begin --> begins (or just get rid of it. 'A voiceline shouts at him' sounds better.

As he clicks the play button, a voiceline begin to shout at him

Those were the main issues I noticed.
All in all, I like the premise and I’ll keep reading because I’m genuinely interested in seeing a gamedev deal with another world.

You told me you’d be keeping your eye on me.
I’ll be doing the same for you. Keep it up.

 

[MFontana]

lol, i liked that.

Anyway, just a heads up: I might be a bit biased because your story has a most of the things I like in it. (it kinda reminded me of Overlord)
But yeah, I liked it. I really did. The writing style is easy to get immersed in, and at no point did I feel bored or want to skim. The narration is really casual and it almost feels like a friend telling you a story, if that makes sense.

I'm glad you did.
And it's fine if you're a little biased, as long as you're acknowledging it.
Also yes, that actually makes perfect sense. It's likely a result of the structure I went with, and that will also feel like the character in question is sharing a monologue directly with the reader, because what you're reading is a literal journal entry that the character is writing/has written.
It's a gateway into (in the prelude's case) Lucius' inner-world and a sharing of his view of the recent events up to the start of the series.
If I didn't already let you know, only the Prelude and Interludes are written in first-person, from the lens of one of the characters. The rest of the series is third-person limited with occasional glances at the thoughts of the two protagonists; Lucius Argentius, and Morrigan Flamecrest.

Well isn't he such a good 'friend'.

Reading this felt weird in a good way, because I’m usually not a fan of chapters with little to no dialogue, but this one had me hooked from start to finish.
I put this in my reading list and will keep reading.

(One thing though: I didn’t really like having to skip through all the author note chapters before I could actually get to the story. I feel like most people, me included, won’t read those until they know they actually like the story first, so it might be better to move them elsewhere or keep them shorter.)

Yeah. He is a very good "friend".
And by that I do mean, she is his exclusive love-interest throughout the series, and that should be fairly obvious.
Lucius, though, has a very difficult time expressing or verbalizing his feelings, even when he does (sort of) know what they are, so he expresses them in other ways.

I did have a number of inspirations that I drew from for this story, but Overlord wasn't actually one of them, in this case, so any similarities (especially to the light novels) is purely coincidental.

And yeah, I get where you're coming from. I'm fully expecting readers to skip or skim the notes "chapters" and that's fine. The only reason that I have them positioned where they are, is so I don't have to constantly reorganize the chapter sorting every time a new chapter drops. I'll most likely move them to the end of Duskfall, once the full volume has been released.

 

[AliceMoonvale]

I dared, but the cover art told me not to read it so that concludes this review.
...
...
...

Okay fine.
I didn't expect to like this one as much as I did.. And that's mainly because of how unserious the protagonist is.
Thanks to your diary-style of writing, it feels like she's kind of just dealing with the situation as a joke for her own mental health, instead of it being a cringy unserious meta zombie-comedy.
There were some inconsistencies with the tense you used, but i guess you could argue that's part of the diary writing style.

The entire story just gives me 'I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl in the world~" vibes. And i love it.

Would I keep reading? Probably. This seems like a fun read after a long day of not so fun things.

Glad you enjoyed and understood what I'm going for~
She's just a normal girl in a normal world doing normal girl things.

Thankies.

 

[Jaymi]

I'm glad you did.
And it's fine if you're a little biased, as long as you're acknowledging it.
Also yes, that actually makes perfect sense. It's likely a result of the structure I went with, and that will also feel like the character in question is sharing a monologue directly with the reader, because what you're reading is a literal journal entry that the character is writing/has written.
It's a gateway into (in the prelude's case) Lucius' inner-world and a sharing of his view of the recent events up to the start of the series.
If I didn't already let you know, only the Prelude and Interludes are written in first-person, from the lens of one of the characters. The rest of the series is third-person limited with occasional glances at the thoughts of the two protagonists; Lucius Argentius, and Morrigan Flamecrest.


Yeah. He is a very good "friend".
And by that I do mean, she is his exclusive love-interest throughout the series, and that should be fairly obvious.
Lucius, though, has a very difficult time expressing or verbalizing his feelings, even when he does (sort of) know what they are, so he expresses them in other ways.

I did have a number of inspirations that I drew from for this story, but Overlord wasn't actually one of them, in this case, so any similarities (especially to the light novels) is purely coincidental.

And yeah, I get where you're coming from. I'm fully expecting readers to skip or skim the notes "chapters" and that's fine. The only reason that I have them positioned where they are, is so I don't have to constantly reorganize the chapter sorting every time a new chapter drops. I'll most likely move them to the end of Duskfall, once the full volume has been released.

well, I'm really excited about the future of your story!

 

[Genesis_King]

The most important part of a web novel is the first chapter. It makes sense, really. On a place like scribblehub, where readers have millions of stories to choose from, it can be considered a privilige to even have them read your first chapter. This first chapter is usually where the reader decides whether they'll commit to the rest of the story or not. (I'd argue its the first few sentences even.) Some of you guys may be able to relate; but any time i try to write a story, the first chapter is always where i struggle the most.

After returning to writing (and scribblehub in general) after almost 3 years, i was thinking it'd be nice to get to know my fellow scribblehub authors a bit better. And what better way to do that than by reading you guys' stories? Now, I'll only be reading the first chapter (unless I'm super into the story), but hey, we've already established how important that first chapter is. I get quite busy, don't blame me...

What qualifies me to give you feedback? Absolutely nothing... Instead of looking at it as 'professional feedback', just think of it as a friends opinion of your stories :)

Fun bonus: Tell me what inspired you to write the story your working on! For me it was the Japan trip I just came back from with my best friend. I couldn't stop thinking about all the amazing things we did there, the wonderful people we met, the anxiety we had when we had to find our way through Shinjuku train station for the first time. My best friend and I keep talking about how it felt like a movie, so that's what inspired me to write my current story, i wanted to recapture how wonderful it can be to just get lost and adventure with someone you care about

edit: pls no smut ;_;

The most important part of a web novel is the first chapter. It makes sense, really. On a place like scribblehub, where readers have millions of stories to choose from, it can be considered a privilige to even have them read your first chapter. This first chapter is usually where the reader decides whether they'll commit to the rest of the story or not. (I'd argue its the first few sentences even.) Some of you guys may be able to relate; but any time i try to write a story, the first chapter is always where i struggle the most.

After returning to writing (and scribblehub in general) after almost 3 years, i was thinking it'd be nice to get to know my fellow scribblehub authors a bit better. And what better way to do that than by reading you guys' stories? Now, I'll only be reading the first chapter (unless I'm super into the story), but hey, we've already established how important that first chapter is. I get quite busy, don't blame me...

What qualifies me to give you feedback? Absolutely nothing... Instead of looking at it as 'professional feedback', just think of it as a friends opinion of your stories :)

Fun bonus: Tell me what inspired you to write the story your working on! For me it was the Japan trip I just came back from with my best friend. I couldn't stop thinking about all the amazing things we did there, the wonderful people we met, the anxiety we had when we had to find our way through Shinjuku train station for the first time. My best friend and I keep talking about how it felt like a movie, so that's what inspired me to write my current story, i wanted to recapture how wonderful it can be to just get lost and adventure with someone you care about

edit: pls no smut ;_;

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2143036/echoes-of-home/
This is my novel. Please read and tell how you feel as a new reader with no prior engagement. I have taken a few pieces of advice before and improvised somewhat, but I want a fresh look from a new reader. Also
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2166023/march-of-the-frozen-dead/
This is also another book, please see if you enjoy it

 

[mythosandmagic]

This is the Prologue of the story I'm currently posting on this site. It's linked in my signature.
If you're still helping out, I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Prologue: Where Light Was Born
Before anything existed, before light, before warmth, before even the concept of time, there was nothing. No sound, no shape—only an endless void, silent and still, stretching beyond comprehension.

From that void, a presence stirred, awakening with the delicate precision of a ripple from the first drop of rain on still water. It became aware in the impenetrable darkness. A fragile, unformed “self” born from its thought alone.

Curiosity stirred within the nascent awareness, and something shifted where there had been nothing before. A shift in reality, and from that shift, a single stable pattern took hold. Hydrogen emerged, and with it came a brief awakening of energy. When helium joined it, the spark no longer faded. It gathered and endured, becoming a radiant sun. Its light spilled into the void, so pure it felt as though the presence itself was realizing what it could be, the glow humming with infinite promise.

The glow of the light yielded warmth, and warmth brought comfort. For the first time, there was more than emptiness. In that comfort, the presence understood, “I am.”

Curiosity did not fade. It lingered, watching as matter gathered and changed. Under pressure and time, simple bonds gave way to more complex ones. New elements emerged. Carbon and oxygen. Iron, dense and enduring. Vast masses of rock and metal took shape, and where conditions allowed, water formed to cool and cleanse. With it came motion, balance, and the first stirrings of vitality.

Yet even as the physical world grew in complexity, it remained silent. Light and warmth endured. Matter gathered and changed. The presence delighted in what it witnessed, but the wonder had nowhere to go.

Alone within its expanding realm, it wondered, “What is my purpose? Am I to exist in solitude for eternity?”

It searched for something. Anything else. But found nothing. It ventured toward the light but found only silence. It called out, ‘Am I the only one?’ The sound rippled into the void and faded, swallowed by endless emptiness. Not even an echo remained. Desperate, it ventured deeper into the void's cold, reaching into the darkness itself. Again, nothing. It called out once more, ‘Am I the only one?’

Only solitude answered.

With that solitude came fear, not of darkness or distance, but of endless silence. The presence understood then that existence alone was not enough. To endure, it must choose to act.

And so, for the first time, it did not merely observe what was becoming. It shaped what would come next.

From thought and intention, the presence brought forth others. Not reflections of itself, but beings with their own sense of self, purpose, and domain. They awakened into difference, and in that difference found balance. Where they gathered, stillness gave way to motion, and the cosmos learned its first harmony. They looked to the one who had chosen to act, and in that shared recognition, the presence became more than awareness. It became King.

Under his guidance, a realm took shape. Light endured there. Creation flourished without decay, and the silence of the void no longer pressed so close. This Kingdom was named Celestria, and it stood apart from all else, warm with purpose and bound by the first light. Its people lived not in conquest, but in curiosity, tending what had been given and seeking to understand what lay beyond their knowing.

In time, even Celestria was not enough. Beyond its borders, reality stretched outward, vast and unfinished, filled with wonders yet unseen. The King felt the pull of that unknown, not as a desire to rule it, but to learn from it. And so, he set his people upon a new path. To venture outward. To explore what had been born beyond the light. To become stewards not only of a Kingdom, but of creation itself.

Ages passed, and the choice endured. What began as wonder became tradition. What was once the work of gods became the inheritance of kings and councils, carried forward by quiet hands tending the light. Celestria remained, not as a myth remembered, but as a world lived in, shaped by the same curiosity that first turned outward from the void as the weight of ages settled quietly.

 

[c37]

Oh reviewer please grace my book with thou review. As for what inspired me to start writing this book-- its amalgamation of many things. Video games mainly diablo, pathfinder 2, Dnd's hell.

 

[K_Nishi]

Hi Jaymi, thanks for doing this — it’s a really kind idea.

I’d love it if you gave my story a look. The title is HELL’S RETURNERS.

A big motivation for me was wanting to bridge a gap in understanding — especially for readers who might not have personal experience with this kind of trauma.

I tried to write it in a way that doesn’t lecture, but invites readers to stay with the character and feel the weight of what she’s carrying.

The opening is dark, but for me the story is less about shock or revenge, and more about reclaiming agency after something that should never have happened.

Thanks again for offering your time, and no pressure at all.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1703067/hells-returners/

 

[Jaymi]

Hi Jaymi, thanks for doing this — it’s a really kind idea.

I’d love it if you gave my story a look. The title is HELL’S RETURNERS.

A big motivation for me was wanting to bridge a gap in understanding — especially for readers who might not have personal experience with this kind of trauma.

I tried to write it in a way that doesn’t lecture, but invites readers to stay with the character and feel the weight of what she’s carrying.

The opening is dark, but for me the story is less about shock or revenge, and more about reclaiming agency after something that should never have happened.

Thanks again for offering your time, and no pressure at all.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1703067/hells-returners/

I liked the opening with the fly landing on her eye a lot, but after that the protagonist started feeling kinda unrealistic to me.

If I woke up buried underground by my abusive dad, I’d be panicking way more. She never really does that and just stays calm, thinking logically, which pulled me out of it a bit.

Then right after, she goes back into the house of the guy who literally just buried her alive… to take a shower? That just didn’t feel believable. If she’s gonna go back, I think it needs a way stronger reason than that, or maybe show she’s in shock and making dumb decisions as she’s in the house.

I actually like the concept and plot a lot, there’s real potential here. The main issue for me is just that the MC’s reactions don’t feel human enough for what she went through.

 

[c37]

I liked the opening with the fly landing on her eye a lot, but after that the protagonist started feeling kinda unrealistic to me.

If I woke up buried underground by my abusive dad, I’d be panicking way more. She never really does that and just stays calm, thinking logically, which pulled me out of it a bit.

Then right after, she goes back into the house of the guy who literally just buried her alive… to take a shower? That just didn’t feel believable. If she’s gonna go back, I think it needs a way stronger reason than that, or maybe show she’s in shock and making dumb decisions as she’s in the house.

I actually like the concept and plot a lot, there’s real potential here. The main issue for me is just that the MC’s reactions don’t feel human enough for what she went through.

Hey you missed mine...

 

[K_Nishi]

I liked the opening with the fly landing on her eye a lot, but after that the protagonist started feeling kinda unrealistic to me.

If I woke up buried underground by my abusive dad, I’d be panicking way more. She never really does that and just stays calm, thinking logically, which pulled me out of it a bit.

Then right after, she goes back into the house of the guy who literally just buried her alive… to take a shower? That just didn’t feel believable. If she’s gonna go back, I think it needs a way stronger reason than that, or maybe show she’s in shock and making dumb decisions as she’s in the house.

I actually like the concept and plot a lot, there’s real potential here. The main issue for me is just that the MC’s reactions don’t feel human enough for what she went through.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and for your thoughtful feedback.


Your comments helped me notice areas that would benefit from additional clarification, and I’ll be sure to keep them in mind as I continue revising the story.

 

[Jaymi]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and for your thoughtful feedback.


Your comments helped me notice areas that would benefit from additional clarification, and I’ll be sure to keep them in mind as I continue revising the story.

Keep it up, put your story in my reading list so I'm looking forward for the future of it ;)

Oh reviewer please grace my book with thou review. As for what inspired me to start writing this book-- its amalgamation of many things. Video games mainly diablo, pathfinder 2, Dnd's hell.

Hey you missed mine...

Oops

The first chapter was pretty engaging, and you did a good job immediately setting the tone of the story.

Even though i get what you were trying to do here, reading it kinda pulled my out of the rhythm you'd established before this.

One was covered in bones and blood.
One was draped in rotting flesh, crawling with maggots and dark blotches.
One was adorned with gold necklaces and braces.
One was clad in black armor.
One stood naked, his porcelain body unmarked.
One wore a black cloak, his face barely visible beneath the hood.
The last was dressed comfortably, with only his face concealed.

I liked the dynamic between Willbore and Neil, it felt natural and pushed the story forward. The betrayal was a good twist.
You have a immersive writing style, but i did notice some grammar mistakes (nothing too bad), It's an easy fix if you just reread the chapter yourself, and edit the mistakes you find.

The chapter ends on a strong note, so i put it in my reading list, good job!

 

[c37]

Keep it up, put your story in my reading list so I'm looking forward for the future of it ;)


Oops

The first chapter was pretty engaging, and you did a good job immediately setting the tone of the story.

Even though i get what you were trying to do here, reading it kinda pulled my out of the rhythm you'd established before this.

I liked the dynamic between Willbore and Neil, it felt natural and pushed the story forward. The betrayal was a good twist.
You have a immersive writing style, but i did notice some grammar mistakes (nothing too bad), It's an easy fix if you just reread the chapter yourself, and edit the mistakes you find.

The chapter ends on a strong note, so i put it in my reading list, good job!

Thank you so much for reading.
It means a lot to me especially when my interest in writing was fluttering.
I will work on the sentence structure and grammatical errors.
Just a heads up- read the description(If you did, ignore this line) so that you can understand why the chapter 1 has different characters.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and for your thoughtful feedback.


Your comments helped me notice areas that would benefit from additional clarification, and I’ll be sure to keep them in mind as I continue revising the story.

Your advice helped me a lot thanks again.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

The most important part of a web novel is the first chapter. It makes sense, really. On a place like scribblehub, where readers have millions of stories to choose from, it can be considered a privilige to even have them read your first chapter. This first chapter is usually where the reader decides whether they'll commit to the rest of the story or not. (I'd argue its the first few sentences even.) Some of you guys may be able to relate; but any time i try to write a story, the first chapter is always where i struggle the most.

After returning to writing (and scribblehub in general) after almost 3 years, i was thinking it'd be nice to get to know my fellow scribblehub authors a bit better. And what better way to do that than by reading you guys' stories? Now, I'll only be reading the first chapter (unless I'm super into the story), but hey, we've already established how important that first chapter is. I get quite busy, don't blame me...

What qualifies me to give you feedback? Absolutely nothing... Instead of looking at it as 'professional feedback', just think of it as a friends opinion of your stories :)

Fun bonus: Tell me what inspired you to write the story your working on! For me it was the Japan trip I just came back from with my best friend. I couldn't stop thinking about all the amazing things we did there, the wonderful people we met, the anxiety we had when we had to find our way through Shinjuku train station for the first time. My best friend and I keep talking about how it felt like a movie, so that's what inspired me to write my current story, i wanted to recapture how wonderful it can be to just get lost and adventure with someone you care about

edit: pls no smut ;_;

Hacking The System: KINGDOM OF STONE [LitRPG]

'Freedom. Peace. Hope.' It's 1979 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout America. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the Radical Guilds...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Jaymi]

Hacking The System: KINGDOM OF STONE [LitRPG]

'Freedom. Peace. Hope.' It's 1979 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout America. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the Radical Guilds...

www.scribblehub.com

I reviewed your’s already y’know ?

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

I reviewed your’s already y’know ?

My bad, maybe I missed it???

Since Chapter 1 was super short, I wanted to read Chapter 2 as well. I’ll be honest, the formatting kinda killed my patience
Having to scroll sideways for basically every single line makes it really annoying to read on PC. It’s not about the writing itself, it’s just physically uncomfortable to get through the chapter like that.

I’d really recommend reformatting it so it's more accessible, because a story inspired by fighting games actually really piqued my interest.

I would panic so hard if that happened to me, I'm always sooo paranoid whenever I'm at an airport just for that reason.

Anyway, you hooked me pretty fast.
I like how it just drops you straight into the story without wasting any time. One thing you did really well in my opinion, was making the world feel lived in. It doesn’t feel like everything just revolves around the protagonist.

Each character feels real and important, and I liked their dynamic with each other and with Caleb.
The only “negative” for me is that in just one chapter, you introduced a ton of characters. It didn’t ruin anything, but it was a lot to take in at once for someone with the memory of a fish like me.

It’s also a really long chapter, so I can see some people not even wanting to start it. The writing kept me engaged the whole way through though, so I personally don't mind the length. Just a heads up, i guess.

On a sidenote, I think the synopsis is really good too. I’m a fan of short synopses that give me accurate expectations for the story.
Also, maybe consider adding chapter numbers in the titles. I like knowing what chapter I’m on while reading a story, and I have a feeling I’m gonna keep reading yours.

It's been a while since ive last read a LitRPG, I'm interested :)

I like the beginning, but there was one thing keeping me from being hooked at the very start:

I feel like this kind of ruined the tempo you had going in the beginning. Sage ruining her no smoking streak, a man appearing with flowers. Her throwing them in the trash, this invested me, i wanna know what happens, not what she looks like, at least not now. A character description is fine, we all do it. But in my opinion, it can wait until I know I care about the character.

I feel like this could work better, because now in just a few sentences, I've grown more attached to Sage. And now I AM interested in what she looks like.

I liked the polo scene, dialogue between sage and the other women are fun to read and i could really imagine the scenes well.
The ending of the chapter was also really good, introducing the bird-monster who killed the guard was a good way to end it, and it made me want to continue reading.

The writing style is also good, I couldn't notice any grammar or punctuation mistakes, so it was a smooth read. I don't think i have anything else to nitpick about. Ill probably keep reading your story, because I'm also interested in the litrpg aspect of it.
Thanks for the submission, I enjoyed reading it a lot =)

Hey, thx for your awesome feedback!
Sorry for overlooking this

 

[TinaMigarlo]

Betrayal - Chapter – 01 | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com