Help with sentence

[CountVanBadger]

I'm editing XNPC, and I can't make up my mind about this sentence:

He flinched when she grabbed his cast and held it up to the light, as if she could see through it like an envelope and judge how the bone was healing.

Is holding an envelope up to the light to see through it a common enough thing that people will understand it? Or should I replace it with something else?

 

[AliceMoonvale]

Hmm, it's okay but kinda sounds old skool imo?
Especially cause I'm sure a lot of youngins have never held an envelope in their life. lmao

Idk, I'd probably write it like this: He flinched when she grabbed his cast and held it up to the light like it was some bargain-bin flashlight she was checking for dying batteries—half expecting her to shake it or smack it against her palm next to ‘fix the brightness.’

Just an example, I like to insert some silliness sometimes~

 

[Civilian]

Well, I understood it just fine, but if you are not sure you could use something else like thin fabric.

 

[TheBestofSome]

If I saw that phrase in a story, I wouldn't even register it as odd, even though I've only used the light to look through an envelope maybe once in my life. That said, I feel like most people should be able to make sense of it through context clues even if it's not something they're not personally familiar with.

 

[FRWriter]

The sentence is totally okay! You really shouldn't overthink these things, and worse, waste your time on them.

I'm guessing you could have written at least 500 to 1k words in the time you thought about that sentence. Does it matter if it's acceptable or great? You can't focus on every single sentence—just go with it. It's definitely okay and not that problematic. At worst, it's one slightly awkward sentence.

 

[OCQueen96]

I think it sounds fine. I understand it. It's very good use of imagery.

 

[R.L.Zeck-Writer]

I'm editing XNPC, and I can't make up my mind about this sentence:

He flinched when she grabbed his cast and held it up to the light, as if she could see through it like an envelope and judge how the bone was healing.

Is holding an envelope up to the light to see through it a common enough thing that people will understand it? Or should I replace it with something else?

May I suggest that you show cause first, then effect? the flinch is the effect, and the grab is hte cause. It paints a smother movie in your readers' minds

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Oh THAT kind of sentence. Here I was thinking you were facing fifteen-twenty for something and I'd have to track down the Roll-o-Dex...

 

[lirvothethird]

I'm editing XNPC, and I can't make up my mind about this sentence:

He flinched when she grabbed his cast and held it up to the light, as if she could see through it like an envelope and judge how the bone was healing.

Is holding an envelope up to the light to see through it a common enough thing that people will understand it? Or should I replace it with something else?

Maybe just: He flinched when she grabbed his cast and held it up to the light, like she could see through it to see how the bone was healing.

 

[DismaiNaim]

Back when school was uphill both ways, we didn't have those fancy-schmancy privacy envelopes with those wavy lines and stuff.

That was back when people still used envelopes.

Honestly, what you have here is fine. I think the audience can get the visual even if they don't mail stuff

 

[Bald-san]

I'm editing XNPC, and I can't make up my mind about this sentence:

He flinched when she grabbed his cast and held it up to the light, as if she could see through it like an envelope and judge how the bone was healing.

Is holding an envelope up to the light to see through it a common enough thing that people will understand it? Or should I replace it with something else?

I would remove the 'like an envelope' analogy and go 'as if he could see through the slowly healing bone'

 

[OokamiKasumi]

He flinched when she grabbed his cast and held it up to the light, as if she could see through it like an envelope and judge how the bone was healing.

Never mind the envelope thing, the sentence itself is Backwards, AND you have two different people Acting in the same paragraph.

You're not supposed to have two people Acting in the same paragraph for the exact same reason you Don't have two different people's Dialogue in the same paragraph. You're definitely Not supposed to have two people Acting in the same sentence.

Each person's actions should occupy their own paragraph, even if that paragraph is One Word.

​

Person 1's Actions: ​

He flinched.​

​

Person 2's Actions:​

She grabbed his cast and held it up to the light, as if she could see through it like an envelope and judge how the bone was healing.​

As for the sentence being backwards--
Which Action actually happened First?

Person 1's Actions: ​

He flinched.​

​

Person 2's Actions:​

She grabbed his cast.​

Adjusted:

She grabbed him by his cast.​

​

He flinched.​

​

She pulled his arm up and held it up to the light, as if she could see through the cast to judge how the bone was healing.​

If you're not sure about the envelope comparison -- don't use it. The sentence works just fine without the comparison.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reference:

[Tutorial] The Secret to Proper Paragraphing and Dialogue​

 

[CountVanBadger]

You're not supposed to have two people Acting in the same paragraph for the exact same reason you Don't have two different people's Dialogue in the same paragraph. You're definitely Not supposed to have two people Acting in the same sentence.

Maybe that's true for complicated actions, but if someone has trouble understanding "he flinched" and "she grabbed his arm" because they're in the same sentence, then I feel like the issue is their reading comprehension, not my writing.

She grabbed him by his cast.

He flinched.

She pulled his arm up and held it up to the light, as if she could see through the cast to judge how the bone was healing.

Yeah, that just sounds robotic and not the least bit natural.

 

[empalgepuk]

I hope OP is as old as me here lol.

Maybe it sounds old school, but where I live, envelopes are still widely used. I don't think you need to replace the analogy.

Though, I'd suggest slight editing for easier read.

He flinched when she grabbed his cast. She held it up to the light, as if she could see through it like an envelope and judge how the bone was healing.

Added cadence and a full stop. Letting your readers pause in a long sentence helps them digest it better.

 

[L1aei]

I'm editing XNPC, and I can't make up my mind about this sentence:

He flinched when she grabbed his cast and held it up to the light, as if she could see through it like an envelope and judge how the bone was healing.

Is holding an envelope up to the light to see through it a common enough thing that people will understand it? Or should I replace it with something else?

You got the message across. Maybe some people will not comprehend what you are referencing, but that's on them. And if they don't know something, they can always look it up. The image you conveyed in that sentence is picture perfect in my mind, so I'd keep it unless you are aiming for clarity with a broader audience.

We all know how targeting a broader audience pans out at the Box Office, so keep that in mind.

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Honestly, this is just fine to me. I can't imagine too many people don't understand how often we hold an envelope up to the light to see if there's a check in it. ?

 

[OokamiKasumi]

"You're not supposed to have two people Acting in the same paragraph for the exact same reason you Don't have two different people's Dialogue in the same paragraph. You're definitely Not supposed to have two people Acting in the same sentence."​

This comes from Strunk & White's Elements of Style, a book used by publication editors. Should you decide to be published professionally --not self-publish with a vanity press such as Amazon-- I assure you, your editors will let you know all about it, by way of red ink all over your manuscripts.

...if someone has trouble understanding "he flinched" and "she grabbed his arm" because they're in the same sentence, then I feel like the issue is their reading comprehension, not my writing.

Blaming the Reader for not comprehending a story's backward sentences is very unprofessional. It's the Writer's job to make their story comprehensible, and easy to Visualize for their Readers.

Remember, the Reader has the final Veto. They can Stop reading your story at any time. On this site alone, there are literally thousands of stories to choose from. It's all too easy for Readers to toss aside a story they can't make sense of.

Stories are mental Movies.

Your job as a Writer is to create a story so engaging, and easy to visualize, that your Readers don't want to stop reading. You begin by writing your sentences in Chronological Order; the order in which events actually happen, with clear separation between the characters' actions, so that the reader has no problem Visualizing who is doing what at any given time. All else is up to your imagination and wit.

She grabbed him by his cast.​

​

He flinched.​

​

She pulled his arm up and held it up to the light, as if she could see through the cast to judge how the bone was healing.​

Yeah, that just sounds robotic and not the least bit natural.

Of course it does.

There is no description, no internal dialogue, no external dialogue, no emotional weight or color at all -- and You wrote it that way.

Good stories are rich in detailing -- of which you had none. If you want those lines to be more robust, add more to them.

Reference:

[Tutorial] Is Description really needed? YES.​

 

[CountVanBadger]

This comes from Strunk & White's Elements of Style,

I don't care. This "rule" is about as relevant as "I before E except after C", and it isn't what I asked about. Stop detailing my thread.

Blaming the Reader for not comprehending a story's backward sentences is very unprofessional.

What's unprofessional is writing like a robot because you think your readers are too stupid to understand a sentence where more than one thing happens.