Fairy Feedback v2

[Little-Moon]

If you don't mind, I would be happy to get some feedback. :)

I am not a native speaker and writing only for fun, so I want to say in advance that there might be grammatical and odd spelling mistakes in between despite using Grammarly; if it is too much to read, then feel free to drop it before finishing the first few chapters.

World Wanderer

 

[MesaMesa17]

Hey there, I would love to get some feedback from you as well!
It's my first time writing, but I hope I executed it well enough for your appraisal

---

my story

 

[Rhaps]

Would love your thoughts on my completed work:

Project Star Pickle

Word of advice: don’t go touching weird alien crystals without first considering the consequences, even if they did fall out of the sky and crush your house. Hi there, Jack Cobb here, and see this scar on the palm of my hand? Looks like a pair of lips, right?...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you!

Cover&Title: the cover is nice, with the placements of the hands that indicates that this is an extraterrestrial story, the fingers are also a nice touch with "The Creation of Adam" painting's hands, really display the foreign vibes of this story, and I really like the edits you made to them hands. Yet the title is something else entirely, since it is nonsense and conveys that this is a comedy, eversince Rick&Morty made the pickle joke, telling the readers to not taks this story too seriously (5/5)

Synopsis: with the MC being the one introducing the story in the synopsis is either a hit or miss, and yours is a hit. I really like the casual vibe of Jack's speech, I can feel the tone that makes it a comedy out of the sheer mundaness of how he describe the literal apocalypse. And I like the little introduction of his hand, which brings in the horror aspect of the story. What I find not really good is the references, since that is assuming your readers have prerequisite knowledges about those movies despite them being popular titles, some people truly lives under the rock, I encountered someone having no idea what E.T is before, even if it fits Jack's character as a film buff. Other than give a short description about each of those movies, giving into his geek nature despite extending the length of the synopsis is probably a good thing, I find nothing wrong with this description (5/5)

Chapter: I am usually not a fan of non-linear story telling, and still not a fan, it is my personal preference since it usually disrupt the flow of the story. I think that there need something more to connect the chapters, like "You wonder how I got here with the ability to teleport people and limbs? So..." type of deal as he passed out, that would make the story flow better. While the connection between the past and present need more work, I like the "I'm too tired of this shit" of the present but he still cares for people and the enthusiasm he has as a conspiracy theorist in the past has a contrast, yet there is what I perceive as autism he has that shows he is the same person at different points in time. I enjoy that contrast a lot. The horror elements doesn't show as much as the comedy, if you want this to be more of a horror story then add more viseral details like blood spurting or describe more on the horror of the people. Other than those, as I went to check chapter 6 I see my old enemy, wall of text, you need to break it up to avoid what I like to call dyslexia simulator. (5/5)

Conclusion: you can cook but there are some aspects you can do to make the story flow better when jumping from one point in time to another.

 

[shallren]

If this is still ongoing... can I put mine up for consideration?

Brymeia

For some reason, my signature ain't working :(

 

[Director_Kun]

Cover&Title: the cover itself is simple which isn't a bad thing, but I have to say it is a bit too vague and blurry on the cover page, I suggest changing it to something easier to recognize. Like your cover, the title is simple and conveys what your story is about, from the moment I read the title it set up expectations for what your story is about, achieving what LN titles usually do but less wordy. (5/5)

Synopsis: it is a good opening for the story, giving the readers about the situation of the characters, it gives a lot of Overlord vibes with players transported to a new world as the game shut down. Though there is one thing I think you missed, introducing the characters, it described nothing about the MC or their army, aside from that they are stuck in another world and is an army, there is no description for the readers to latch on or anything really, making the army feel like ambigious. What I like is the last line, painting a grimdark picture for the story to come, what the army have to deal with in a strange new world full of unknowns. (4/5)

Chapter: what I like is the dialogues, they potrays the characters as if they are a real army with structure clearly thought out, conveying that the characters are soldiers despite most of it just being roleplay and is a game, yet realized they have to work together in this new world. You clearly have the ability to paint the confusion and terror of what comes with a new world, especially in a desparate environment like winter. Although you are good with dialogues, there isn't enough description to the story to make it compelling or easily comprehend. The first problem I see is the gender of the MC, I was confused until a character called CEO "Ma'am", as they lack the description to potray a girl in the very beginning. With a rich cast of characters, the only one to have a concrete character description is Ronin despite being a minor supporting character, give the officers a defining appearance trait and not just their personality, in writing you must judge the book by its appearance, as it give a reason to connect the readers to the characters. A story made with words is different from ink, as it relies on the reader's imagination to fully form, as an author you need to paint a clear picture with words. (4/5)

Conclusion: you can cook but you need to work on giving your cast of characters more identifiable traits beside their names, as their appearance are just fog in the reader's mind, especially the MC, give them a form so they can express their emotions better.

Thank you for reviewing it!

For the Cover I didn't realize I needed to make the cover 250x350 pixels, it was originally drawn in 1920x1080 pixels and I just never bothered getting around to fixing it.

For the characters, yeah I do admit that it was intentional to not give a description of the characters initially. Because A in universe the game gives you a randomly generated character of either male or female. But honestly I should've added a description in like chapter 2 for each character at least, but thank you for the review it is the best written review I've gotten.

 

[Rhaps]

If you don't mind, I would be happy to get some feedback. :)

I am not a native speaker and writing only for fun, so I want to say in advance that there might be grammatical and odd spelling mistakes in between despite using Grammarly; if it is too much to read, then feel free to drop it before finishing the first few chapters.

World Wanderer

Cover: the cover itself is nice, I really enjoy the artstyle and colors of it, giving an air of mystery and loneliness with the two characters in a grey city, as if they can only depend on each other to survive in this world. The title is clear and simple, it conveys what the story is mainly about, giving a mystic vibe in the first part and an air of looming conflict in the second part, together they work quite well to point the story in a direction. (5/5)

Synopsis: although I think it is a little barebone with how simple the explanation to the worldbuilding is, it did the basic job of describing how the world work, a light introduction to the setting that anyone can understand. And what I find best about this sysnopsis is its ability to instantly set off the mood, which is important in order for readers to get in the right mindset for immersing in the story, as you outline the basic plot there is an air of mysticism to the story as a whole, kinda like reading the synopsis of LotR. (5/5)

Chapter: the start is slow but things pick up real quick, perfect use of escalation to lead to what I see as the story proper. Though some dialogues are confusing at times, like I had trouble knowing which character is speaking due to the flow, and this advice I had say many time before, add more descriptions to how the characters move which will enrich the characters, they may be small but they are important to leave an impression on the readers about those characters, just simple hand movement or body language will suffice. What I think you did best is July's descent into madness, it was perfect with the time skips, I can see her sanity crumbling down slowly as time passes, after 16 years in darkness alone I can tell she's a shell of her former self. Another thing I would like to point out is the occational walls of text, breaking them up would be good to control the flow of the story, as to let the story breathe and show the details better than to clump them up in a single place. (5/5)

Conclusion: you can cook and keep going at it, I enjoy the flow of the story very much so. And don't let the fact that English isn't your first language bother you, as I have seen some of the better stories written by non-native authors, we have a way to see and use the language in a way that is different from native readers, and also way more volcabulary if I'm honest.

 

[Rhaps]

Hey there, I would love to get some feedback from you as well!
It's my first time writing, but I hope I executed it well enough for your appraisal

---

my story
View attachment 30593

Cover&Title: the cover shows that this will have some elements of romance, beside that I can feel the air of superiority in the two characters with those side eyes, the colors of the two complements each other and nice to the eyes that would attract readers. The title is pretty ingenius, giving it a sense of comedy and a brief overview of the MC's situation, then again, I think "Broke but Broken" is enough for a title as I am not a fan of long titles that work like a synopsis, in this situation less is more as the first part already explained most of the things needed to be said. (5/5)

Synopsis: the description is easy to get into, from an overview of the world to the situation of the character, this usually give the story a mundane vibes despite being a superpower story and world, which isn't a bad thing for this kind of story. I like the tone of the synopsis, it set the atmosphere for the rest of the story that this will be light hearted and not that dark (hopefully). But I don't think you should explain the MC's power here, just say he can manipulate energy and thats enough, let the reader read the story to explore the characters and not just say it in the synopsis. The synopsis is an introduction, yes, but not an explanation for something that will go on in the story, let the readers discover the strength and weaknesses of the MC when they are already kneedeep in the story. (4/5)

Chapter: I'll say this out right now, the MC is dumb as fuck, although you did say the story is inspired by Toaru but I didn't expect to this extent, there are so many things I would like to say like how he want to hide his power despite being in DEBT, with his ability and if anyone in this universe have half a brain to think, he would be getting a scholarship if he go all out with whats basically another version of Accelerator's power, or at least someone seeing the potential and sponsor his study, and he didn't secure the area to make sure there is noone spying on them, that feel pretty out of character despite being someone trying to hide his power, literal 'plot induced stupidity'. Which is why Daxston is my favorite character atm, he might be arrogant and has a temper but he at least has a sense of honor. This might be my toxic romance fan side speaking, undertone romance is difficult to do I understand, I failed at this too, but it feels extremely flat and not develop overtime, the speed is too fast and pretty flat in my opinion. Now with that all out of my system, let's me point out the good things. The slow pacing of the story is great, moving slowly and not stepping on the gas pedal like a madman, making it really feel like an actual school story but I hope it accelerates at some point and move the plot forward as keeping it at this pace will be a detriment to the story as it get too stale, if you want an example to how to speed the story up, read Necromancer Academy and the Genius Summoner as reference. Beside the supidity, I really enjoy the characters' personalities, everyone is easily recognizable and not confusing, having a quirk to themselves despite being very stereotypical. It is overall an enjoyable read despite some eyeroll moments (4/5)

Conclusion: you can cook but you need to dial up the intelligence and wisdom stats of your characters.

 

[MesaMesa17]

Cover&Title: the cover shows that this will have some elements of romance, beside that I can feel the air of superiority in the two characters with those side eyes, the colors of the two complements each other and nice to the eyes that would attract readers. The title is pretty ingenius, giving it a sense of comedy and a brief overview of the MC's situation, then again, I think "Broke but Broken" is enough for a title as I am not a fan of long titles that work like a synopsis, in this situation less is more as the first part already explained most of the things needed to be said. (5/5)

Synopsis: the description is easy to get into, from an overview of the world to the situation of the character, this usually give the story a mundane vibes despite being a superpower story and world, which isn't a bad thing for this kind of story. I like the tone of the synopsis, it set the atmosphere for the rest of the story that this will be light hearted and not that dark (hopefully). But I don't think you should explain the MC's power here, just say he can manipulate energy and thats enough, let the reader read the story to explore the characters and not just say it in the synopsis. The synopsis is an introduction, yes, but not an explanation for something that will go on in the story, let the readers discover the strength and weaknesses of the MC when they are already kneedeep in the story. (4/5)

Chapter: I'll say this out right now, the MC is dumb as fuck, although you did say the story is inspired by Toaru but I didn't expect to this extent, there are so many things I would like to say like how he want to hide his power despite being in DEBT, with his ability and if anyone in this universe have half a brain to think, he would be getting a scholarship if he go all out with whats basically another version of Accelerator's power, or at least someone seeing the potential and sponsor his study, and he didn't secure the area to make sure there is noone spying on them, that feel pretty out of character despite being someone trying to hide his power, literal 'plot induced stupidity'. Which is why Daxston is my favorite character atm, he might be arrogant and has a temper but he at least has a sense of honor. This might be my toxic romance fan side speaking, undertone romance is difficult to do I understand, I failed at this too, but it feels extremely flat and not develop overtime, the speed is too fast and pretty flat in my opinion. Now with that all out of my system, let's me point out the good things. The slow pacing of the story is great, moving slowly and not stepping on the gas pedal like a madman, making it really feel like an actual school story but I hope it accelerates at some point and move the plot forward as keeping it at this pace will be a detriment to the story as it get too stale, if you want an example to how to speed the story up, read Necromancer Academy and the Genius Summoner as reference. Beside the supidity, I really enjoy the characters' personalities, everyone is easily recognizable and not confusing, having a quirk to themselves despite being very stereotypical. It is overall an enjoyable read despite some eyeroll moments (4/5)

Conclusion: you can cook but you need to dial up the intelligence and wisdom stats of your characters.

Hi, thanks so much for the detailed reply! Unfortunately for the purpose of the story, the MC cannot just bust out his powers and flex all over the school or the story will just end there (at least for the start) ?

So yeah he has plot-induced stupidity, but my MC doesn't exactly have a normal personality either. I wanna touch on his background more in the future when I get a good opportunity to do it. He's a bit more complicated than I've made him seem so far (he's a very flawed character despite being so OP)

Currently, I'm about to upload Chapter 11, which has the first emotional scene that I've written. I would love to know your thoughts on how the scene panned out. Also I shed a bit more light on the MC's thoughts

As for the the romantic undertone, I've really gotten to it more in Chapter 12 and 13. 13 is written from Kaede's perspective, but it isn't exactly a normal "romance" chapter. I tried to make that aspect a bit more realistic

Overall, I played it a bit on the safe side, BBB being my first fiction so it has a lot of tried and tested trope-y foundations, though I plan to elaborate on them more as the story progresses. I'm trying to balance their growth with time, but it's a bit hard to develop them neither too slow nor too fast haha. I'm glad you gave it a relatively high rating though!

 

[Fox-Trot-9]

Okay, don't mind if I do!

*chucks novel at hooded person to catch* *or not*

Villainess, Retry!

[Volume 1] Rosalie Edgeworth: the queen bee of Lassen Academy and Janet Fleming’s two-faced nemesis. Why does the school seem to revolve around Rosalie? How can Prince Blaise not see her for the bitch she really is? And why won’t the Prince even listen to Janet’s side of...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Little-Moon]

Cover: the cover itself is nice, I really enjoy the artstyle and colors of it, giving an air of mystery and loneliness with the two characters in a grey city, as if they can only depend on each other to survive in this world. The title is clear and simple, it conveys what the story is mainly about, giving a mystic vibe in the first part and an air of looming conflict in the second part, together they work quite well to point the story in a direction. (5/5)

Synopsis: although I think it is a little barebone with how simple the explanation to the worldbuilding is, it did the basic job of describing how the world work, a light introduction to the setting that anyone can understand. And what I find best about this sysnopsis is its ability to instantly set off the mood, which is important in order for readers to get in the right mindset for immersing in the story, as you outline the basic plot there is an air of mysticism to the story as a whole, kinda like reading the synopsis of LotR. (5/5)

Chapter: the start is slow but things pick up real quick, perfect use of escalation to lead to what I see as the story proper. Though some dialogues are confusing at times, like I had trouble knowing which character is speaking due to the flow, and this advice I had say many time before, add more descriptions to how the characters move which will enrich the characters, they may be small but they are important to leave an impression on the readers about those characters, just simple hand movement or body language will suffice. What I think you did best is July's descent into madness, it was perfect with the time skips, I can see her sanity crumbling down slowly as time passes, after 16 years in darkness alone I can tell she's a shell of her former self. Another thing I would like to point out is the occational walls of text, breaking them up would be good to control the flow of the story, as to let the story breathe and show the details better than to clump them up in a single place. (5/5)

Conclusion: you can cook and keep going at it, I enjoy the flow of the story very much so. And don't let the fact that English isn't your first language bother you, as I have seen some of the better stories written by non-native authors, we have a way to see and use the language in a way that is different from native readers, and also way more volcabulary if I'm honest.

Thank you very much for the incredibly detailed Feedback, :) I was always a tad to worried things have sped up to much during the escalation but it is nice to hear that it works out fine.

I will definitely try to improve what you suggested XD and change things up a bit in the first chapters.

 

[Rhaps]

If this is still ongoing... can I put mine up for consideration?

Brymeia

For some reason, my signature ain't working :(

Cover&Title: another anime girl cover, but the colors you chose is great and eye catching, though the problem with these kind of cover is beside the nice image, there isn't much to tell about the story or the character except for appearance. The title is short and concise, there is a mysterious air around it with the name that is foreign, indicating another world, and "the Visitor" that is important as it set the theme of the story - a foreign man in a foreign land. (5/5)

Synopsis: the first passage is like an abridged version of the story, throwing the storyline right in my face from the get go, giving a bit of humor to the story. Introducing the characters and the basic rundown of how and what lead to the MC's reincarnation, and giving hints about Katherine being some sort of guardian angel to him. Though I wish you would incorperate some of the notes in the "what to expect" as a part of the synopsis proper, it would help with the immersion into the story, as I find some of them would highlight your story to be different from others, and as a sneakpeak into Brymeia like the high fantasy and hard magic. And I think giving hints about the timer would add more tension to the story, drawing reader's curiosity in. (4/5)

Chapter: I like the slow pace of the story, setting the mood for the story. The first three chapters really highlights the relationship between Frein and Katherine, establish the relationship and current status is always good, but they don't lose sight of what they are after. You did great with the characterizations, showing different sides of the characters and display their emotions well. I like the little character quotes at the beginning of each chapters, they add a little more flavor to the story and has the ability to set the mood of the chapter, as well as reset the mood for binge readers. And I like the time aspect of this isekai, there is tension and time is ticking down, it adds a lot to the story. Though you fall short at the place where every other author fall short off, lore dumping, I know it is hard to give a concise explanation of the magic system, condensing it in a single chapter isn't a good way as readers will most likely skip most of it, it would be best to revisit the system in other chapters, giving out bits and pieces while building up more on those points will help the readers remember it more, blend it in with the world like a float city using which type of formula to keep it floating, having chapter 5 as a point to revisit for the hardcore readers while making it easier for casuals to keep track. (5/5)

Conclusion: you can cook and keep on cooking, you have an interesting story in your hands so I hope you develop it well.

 

[daight]

If you don't mind still reviewing.
For the cover, I am bad at designing, and I tried using AI to make character but it just doesn't convey what I want my character to look like, so I gave up.

For the story, this is a dark epic fantasy novel, although starting out slowly.

Esmeria

Raised as a slave in a forsaken realm where time seemed frozen, Regina resigned herself to her fate. Her existence was a stagnant cycle until a mysterious stranger shattered her quiet acceptance. 'Come with me,' the stranger beckoned. Driven by fear and the promise of escape, Regina made a...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Rhaps]

Okay, don't mind if I do!

*chucks novel at hooded person to catch* *or not*

Villainess, Retry!

[Volume 1] Rosalie Edgeworth: the queen bee of Lassen Academy and Janet Fleming’s two-faced nemesis. Why does the school seem to revolve around Rosalie? How can Prince Blaise not see her for the bitch she really is? And why won’t the Prince even listen to Janet’s side of...

www.scribblehub.com

Cover&Title: it feels like any other otome manwha and novel I've read, which about 400 the last time I checked, and like them I'll eat this shit up all day. The title is simple and easy to remember, I honestly thought this would be used a lot but no, you are the only one to use it, so prop for being the OG (5/5)

Synopsis: since there are two I'll only talk about the first one. As an avid shoujo villainess enjoyer, this emanates drama which I love to the core. Introducing the plotlineand name dropping the MC is always a good thing. Though I don't enjoy the listing of characters that won't be important till a later date, as I think that detracts from the main plotline and readers may feel the need to remember those things. I feel like you could write a better one for the last part of the synopsis. The second synopsis isn't needed imo, as it reveals the mystery right away which take away a lot from the story itself. (4/5)

Chapter: my criteria for this type of story is a little bit different, I need it to agitate a certain emotion for it to be good, and you succeeded. I enjoy the storyline and how the characters interacts, as I can see something fundamentally "wrong" with the characters, like there is no logic which adds to the mystery of the story. But you suffer a problem, walls of text, try breaking it up and not have dialogues from different characters in the same passage, a solid two seconds of scrolling isn't a good thing, pray that your incredible writing skill helps you in that department. (5/5)

Conclusion: you can cook and keep on cooking.

 

[Rhaps]

If you don't mind still reviewing.
For the cover, I am bad at designing, and I tried using AI to make character but it just doesn't convey what I want my character to look like, so I gave up.

For the story, this is a dark epic fantasy novel, although starting out slowly.

Esmeria

Raised as a slave in a forsaken realm where time seemed frozen, Regina resigned herself to her fate. Her existence was a stagnant cycle until a mysterious stranger shattered her quiet acceptance. 'Come with me,' the stranger beckoned. Driven by fear and the promise of escape, Regina made a...

www.scribblehub.com

Cover&title: the cover is mysterious and it gives off a vibe of mysticism with the flower bearing symbols, which I assume is Chinese, draws me in quite well as I am a sucker for these types of things. The title draws a lot of mystery and curiosity as its sounds like a name, maybe the world is called Esmeria or something, its simple and without any explanation it make readers curious and compels them to check the story out (5/5)

Synopsis: the description feels mysterious and interesting, describing what I feel like is some sort of cage, giving importance to the MC to the story. Outlining the story while not giving any away is a good thing, as it invites the reader to look further into, and it feels classy with the set up. Though I think you are missing out on some world building, as this story have multiple protagonists and jumps between different places, I feel like here would be a great place to introduce some other countries and their affairs. As it stand, the synopsis introduces a stand-alone linear story but as far as I read, it isn't it. (4/5)

Chapter: well, there are a lot of plotholes and decisions that don't make a whole lot of sense to me. First is the Lord of the Forest, its whole existence feels useless as Gregory and Richard proves that people can just waltz in and take her, with Gregory especially, he can harm her proving that whatever importance she holds isn't important enough to protect her from harms. Then jumping to fantasy china in chapter 3, it breaks the flow of the story as a whole, and I think that you introduce the world and the state of the countries is weird and disconnected, and there is no character build up to give any connection, Wu Zhao feels important, sure, but I don't think that this is the right place to introduce a whole new region, its like going from 1 to 100 instantly, it just doesn't make sense. Richard and Mili feels inhumane, a girl that just went through multiple dramatic experiences and they don't have half the heart to warm up to her more and just instantly hit her with "the prophecy", who the fuck would say to a child that they will kill an emperor? At least build some ground. That said, I enjoy Regina's fear, she acts like a real child with all of the being scared and oblivious to the world that seem pretty cruel. And despite finding Luo Yang out of place, I like the politics and feel like I was reading Three Kingdom again, Gilles gives me massive Dong Zhou vibes with his bluntness, and with how his head didn't just roll instantly, it gives tension and a feel for his political might. (3/5)

Conclusion: you can cook but overall, you need to change some things and fix some plotholes, especially with the whole Yuo Yang plotline as gives major backlash from the story, at least add something to the synopsis to say that there are two plotlines instead of just describing one.

 

[daight]

Hmmm ty for the feedback, I appreciate it. I will try to think out a new synopsis.
And may re-order my chapters too!
I will also try to edit the earlier chapters again to explain things better.

Thank you again!

 

[Lyric44]

Hi! I was wondering whether you could give me a couple tips on prose and dialogue based on the last three chapters of my story. Basically, I'm at the point where everything I put on the paper feels like its terrible and doesn't read well. Eg: Sentence Rhythm and flow.

As for my synopsis and cover I don't need any feedback on that because it'll be changed someday. Please note that the first six or so chapters are written poorly as a joke to cram in as many references as possible.
For the story itself, nothing major has happened yet other than the opening arc, but I will be changing that later as well. So please only look at the most recent stuff (ch 21 ~ most recent) for the technical things.

Thank you so much!

 

[Rhaps]

Hi! I was wondering whether you could give me a couple tips on prose and dialogue based on the last three chapters of my story. Basically, I'm at the point where everything I put on the paper feels like its terrible and doesn't read well. Eg: Sentence Rhythm and flow.

As for my synopsis and cover I don't need any feedback on that because it'll be changed someday. Please note that the first six or so chapters are written poorly as a joke to cram in as many references as possible.
For the story itself, nothing major has happened yet other than the opening arc, but I will be changing that later as well. So please only look at the most recent stuff (ch 21 ~ most recent) for the technical things.

Thank you so much!

From what I can see, you are doing a pretty well with the flow, with some minor flaws in sentence structure, some I just find weird. If you are feeling doubts, then you should sleep, with a fresh mind you would be able to notice the flaws and know what you want to adjust.

Just a heads up, I am a practical type of person so I can only give you some guidance on how I learn to write.

For tips about the story rhythm, I don't know if this work for you but try to narrate when playing games, you can say it outloud or in your mind. Just a way to practice your narration ability. For me, I am a DM so I am used to narrate a story so this is what I've been doing most of the time. Try BG3 or some slow pace games with a storyline.

For dialogues, try talking to yourself and get in character, writing is like acting, you need to be the character to understand them, a monodrama. And to express emotions, try to describe their action, it adds a lot more than you think. Your story is fine but it need more expression than inner turmoil. I follow Nasu's way of writing, every bit of dialogues is important and will come back around eventually, that adds weight to what the characters are saying, as language is the expression of the soul, they build character. For practical examples, try the Fate/Stay Night visual novel (be warn, it has 43 endings, and 40 of those are bad endings), Cafe Stella is also good in dialpgue department, if you want to incoporate both tips, try VA-11 Hall-A.

 

[Lyric44]

From what I can see, you are doing a pretty well with the flow, with some minor flaws in sentence structure, some I just find weird. If you are feeling doubts, then you should sleep, with a fresh mind you would be able to notice the flaws and know what you want to adjust.

Just a heads up, I am a practical type of person so I can only give you some guidance on how I learn to write.

For tips about the story rhythm, I don't know if this work for you but try to narrate when playing games, you can say it outloud or in your mind. Just a way to practice your narration ability. For me, I am a DM so I am used to narrate a story so this is what I've been doing most of the time. Try BG3 or some slow pace games with a storyline.

For dialogues, try talking to yourself and get in character, writing is like acting, you need to be the character to understand them, a monodrama. And to express emotions, try to describe their action, it adds a lot more than you think. Your story is fine but it need more expression than inner turmoil. I follow Nasu's way of writing, every bit of dialogues is important and will come back around eventually, that adds weight to what the characters are saying, as language is the expression of the soul, they build character. For practical examples, try the Fate/Stay Night visual novel (be warn, it has 43 endings, and 40 of those are bad endings), Cafe Stella is also good in dialpgue department, if you want to incoporate both tips, try VA-11 Hall-A.

Thank you!

 

[GrobertGreel]

Hello, I've come here to throw some slop I wrote for fun at your feet.

The slop is Fantasy/Dark Fantasy.

I'm not too sure if the pacing is right, and I feel it's all over the place. But I might just be a harsh critic to myself. Let me know.


- 7,798 Words

- 5 Chapters

- Each Chapter lasts around 1350-2000 Words


https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1147459/shadows-of-farabane/

 

[Rhaps]

Hello, I've come here to throw some slop I wrote for fun at your feet.

The slop is Fantasy/Dark Fantasy.

I'm not too sure if the pacing is right, and I feel it's all over the place. But I might just be a harsh critic to myself. Let me know.


- 7,798 Words

- 5 Chapters

- Each Chapter lasts around 1350-2000 Words


https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1147459/shadows-of-farabane/

Cover&Title: the cover tells that this will be a survival type of story from the blemishes and the ragged look of the MC, it show the reader what to expect and vaguely describe the personality of the MC, an innocent and clueless body. And after so long, a simple and normal title, I like the word Shadow as it hints of a forgotten past or a dark secret of the MC, abd overall, the title rolls off the tongue pretty well. (5/5)

Synopsis: the first sentence's structure doesn't make much sense, I think you should change stuff around, "In the unforgiving world of Farabane, The Daemons await their feast, Aurin's fate was meant to be short-lived" make more sense and give a better sense of scale, from large (the world) to small (the MC). Other than that minor nitpick, I find nothing majorly wrong, giving the situation of the story and a clear goal to work toward make a better synopsis than an open ended one. (4.7/5)

Chapter: I like the mystery of the first dialogue and the MC's acknowledgement of the bold letters, it set the tone for the rest of the story which I always like, and make you wonder if the narrator is an actual character or not. I enjoy the contrast between the MC and other character, its like two different worlds with the innocence nature of the MC and the grim reality of the world through Garrick and Elia. The pace is a bit slow for my liking, the reason why I say 5 chapters is that in my opinion that's long enough for the story to pick up speed, so I can't say anything about the plot yet but I can see you planting seeds that will bloom later in the story and I hope those hit. (4/5)

Conclusion: you can cook but I think you need to work more on the pacing, otherwise I think this is a pretty solid story