Fairy Feedback v2

[Elmir_Arch-Ham_of_Omega]

Hi! Newbie here, hope it's not too grating.

StarChaser: Beyond - Part 1 – Season 1: Fenrir Guild Arc – “I’m Just Your Local Fairy Passing By!” (Rewrite v3.0) | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

You can read up to chapter 4, Ch.5's just an interlude for the next "season"

 

[Rhaps]

I'll happily take your review if you have the time.

A Tamer’s Adventure

Martyn, a young staunch panther-kin male, must find a way to power under his class as a monster tamer. Now fending for himself as an adventurer, he finds a chance when his failure rewards him, sparking a drive within him. To build a loving and strong monster girl, Harem! Note:...

www.scribblehub.com

Sorry it took so long, had some business to go through.

Cover&Title: cute goblin girl, and it definitely serves its purpose as a smut story cover. The title is clear and simple, although a bit generic but it works, we need more of this. (5/5)

Synopsis: the description is easy to understand, telling what the story is about as typical of any adventure story. Simple but direct is the best to describe it. But it is also compelling and attracts readers other than smut, story of rising to the top is classic and is always welcome. (5/5)

Chapter: an interesting take on reincarnation, where the host doesn't get taken over but the influence from the foreign soul is there. The pacing is a bit slow for my liking, but I can see the care and attention to details you put in. I find your ability to show the characters' emotions very compelling, the MC has clear motivations and seek changes, Amber's desires, etc. I am not a smut reader (I only ever read smut due to these reviews) so I don't think I am good enough to comment on, I don't know what the standard is (5/5)

Conclusion: you can cook and what make your writing good is that you take your time for your story, not going gas gas gas like most writers. Keep going!

 

[LesserCodex]

Sorry it took so long, had some business to go through.

Cover&Title: cute goblin girl, and it definitely serves its purpose as a smut story cover. The title is clear and simple, although a bit generic but it works, we need more of this. (5/5)

Synopsis: the description is easy to understand, telling what the story is about as typical of any adventure story. Simple but direct is the best to describe it. But it is also compelling and attracts readers other than smut, story of rising to the top is classic and is always welcome. (5/5)

Chapter: an interesting take on reincarnation, where the host doesn't get taken over but the influence from the foreign soul is there. The pacing is a bit slow for my liking, but I can see the care and attention to details you put in. I find your ability to show the characters' emotions very compelling, the MC has clear motivations and seek changes, Amber's desires, etc. I am not a smut reader (I only ever read smut due to these reviews) so I don't think I am good enough to comment on, I don't know what the standard is (5/5)

Conclusion: you can cook and what make your writing good is that you take your time for your story, not going gas gas gas like most writers. Keep going!

It's alright man hoping your business went well. You still got to it and that's all that mattered.

Thanks for the review glad the slightly slow pacing isn't a huge takeaway away, I'm also not sure what the standard for smut is but I've been told by Corty in another review the important aspect is to keep information and details constant so it doesn't break immersion which is something I've been working on. I often find some people like to rush a bit in storytelling and was worried it would put some people off, thankfully I kept to it and will continue to do so.

 

[Rhaps]

I like to think my writing style has sort of improved since chapter 1. It has robots and stuff. Also in (probably) a few days, I’ll draw the cover art again, hopefully being decent.
Actually, got some good feedback several days ago regarding my inconsist tenses, so I’ll try to fix this now. (First five chapters are edited, again)

Aperol Spritz [HIATUS]

In the year 1846, humans made a deal with 4th dimensional beings to leave a dying and polluting earth by teleporting to an aquatic exo-planet named Portunus. Vast blue oceans with little land, blue grass, and life-killing robots that generate from the planet’s atmosphere is a constant. Luckily...

www.scribblehub.com

Cover&Title: the cover is stylish in its own way, the inclusion of fishes signify that this has something to do with the ocean. The title is a little weird for me, a cocktail isn't the thing I expected for a title, but because its weird it grabs reader's attention, plus the name rolls well off the tongue. (5/5)

Synopsis: introducing the worldbuilding is always a good synopsis, while you also laid out the central conflict so the readers knows what to expect the story to revolves around. But you are missing the MC's introduction, make the first connection right from the beginning even before people start reading is important (4/5)

Chapter: I have to be honest, the first chapter is quite a mess and a half, it feels like a suicide squad roll call introducing a whole bunch of characters that the readers might not care about, including the MC. For the MC, you introduced her somewhere in the middle amongst the cast. Speaking of the main cast, it gives major suicide squad vibe which isn't a good thing when it come to literature, like a shotgun blast of names. Now all the bad stuffs had gone out of the way, your strong point is you are able to clearly express the main cast' characateristics and able to tell them apart after a while. For pacing, it is quite fast when juggling politics, the ocean world, robots, and other aspect, you did quite well for something meant to be taken slow. (3/5)

Conclusion: you can cook but not quite well, my advice is to storyboard a general outline and work from there, know what you want to write first, revise it after a nap, think through if you want it to go that direction with a fresh mindset, and then write.

 

[Nevafrost]

Can I post mine again?

The Truth is Mysterious

The four princesses are trying to solve a mystery together. The path won't be an easy one and they will have to confront so many obstacles. While trying to unravel the mystery, they will meet their destinied partners and some untold truths. However, they will unravel the truth behind all...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Kalliel]

Y'know, I've never been roasted before when it comes to my writing... except for a few reviews, so go ahead if you have time. I'm curious.

Archwizard K’s Journey In The Cultivation World

Kierra was a world-renowned archwizard. Master of all elements, Lord of all mythical beasts, Sovereign of Heaven and Earth. Everyone and everything was beneath her. After living for centuries, she was... bored. So she decided to create a new magic ritual that could send her to another...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Rhaps]

Can I post mine again?

The Truth is Mysterious

The four princesses are trying to solve a mystery together. The path won't be an easy one and they will have to confront so many obstacles. While trying to unravel the mystery, they will meet their destinied partners and some untold truths. However, they will unravel the truth behind all...

www.scribblehub.com

No, but you can read my review again

Fairy Review

I am drunk right now and probably regret this decision when I wake up. I'm here to give my review based on three simple criterias with the score of 1-4 because my standards are low: Cover&Title: how informative it is. Synopsis: how much information it gives out. Chapter: I'll read the first...

forum.scribblehub.com

 

[Rhaps]

I haven't wrote in a while but I'd appreciate if you'd check out a story I've decided to continue. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/539775/my-teacher-is-an-sss-legend/

Cover&Title: the cover is a classic anime boy, white hair red eyes and all that comes with it, it feels like the most generic thing ever but it does hint about the MC's powerset with all of that blood floating around. The title is generic for someone reading copious amount of manhwa like me, but it has an interesting twist that the MC isn't the SSS Legend but rather another person, which is fine by all means and really touch people wanting for something different. (5/5)

Synopsis: the description is simple but performs all things needed for a synopsis, introducing the MC, giving a sneak peak at the worldbuilding, and the general plotline. It ticks all the right boxes for me, giving enough and nothing more, if the readers want to find more about the world and characters, they have to read more. (5/5)

Chapter: the first 5 chapters are slow, as typical with isekai, but it is a necessary part to explain the world. While the pacing is a different problem, there are moments where I feel like the story just pauses to give some exposition, there are of course Aria's emotions described but you need to work more on that. Expressing character's emotions seem to be your weakness, you can describe them but the dialogues doesn't express them much, give it some more pizazz, like "..." to express hesitation, audibly sighs or clicking tounge to show annoyance. Despite all of that, I find nothing wrong with the story itself, the start is typical and Aria's seemingly willingness to trust a stranger shows that she has nothing to lose, Wade is willing to learn despite some doubts, it is classic where two strangers become close together. (3/5)

Conclusion: you can cook, but you need to put more emtions into your characters, don't describe them, express them.

 

[kunic]

Gonna throw my story into the mix. Currently only 3 parts released (2 chapters, 3 submissions), but there's a good chance 5 parts will be out by the time the critique gets to me (estimating this to be done on Friday 7/19).

Also thank you @Rhaps for taking the time to critique everyone that has submitted here. Really appreciative of you doing this

The one thing I'm not 100% sure on is my cover. It might be too subtle for the Scribblehub UI to represent. The reflection is his past life (no staff, street clothes + backpack, city buildings instead of a forest).

Regretful Reincarnation: Kōkai no Tensei


Edit: I've since made another cover. Kinda curious to see which you prefer.

 

[Rhaps]

Hi! Newbie here, hope it's not too grating.

StarChaser: Beyond - Part 1 – Season 1: Fenrir Guild Arc – “I’m Just Your Local Fairy Passing By!” (Rewrite v3.0) | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

You can read up to chapter 4, Ch.5's just an interlude for the next "season"

Cover&Title: the cover is an anime girl, which is the MC, it is always nice to know what she look like and her companion. The title itself is quite nice, it is the name of her group of magical peacekeeper, the Beyond part is what should intrigue readers, as it hints at something more to this typical trope of magical girls fighting against the forces of evil. (5/5)

Synopsis: it is simple but it fulfilled what a synopsis should do, introducing the MC, the plotline and general worldbuilding of the brand new world. It gives the readers enough information to consider reading, which will contribute to their willingness to read the story outside of intrigue. The what to expect is always nice to see, as it gives the readers more context about what they are about to read, although too much context might harm interest, for this part try to keep it vague. And its nice to see someone from HFY (5/5)

Chapter: what drawn me in most was the expressions of the characters, mixed in with classic cheesy magical girls things is definitely a good thing that works well for this story, and the out of left field things are funny as fuck. Another thing you nailed is the comedic timing, as well as the ability to shift tone between two worlds, one is a tragedy and the other is a silly adventure. Though the pacing is much to be desired, I feel like you skipped a lot of things, but I can understand why you skipped and only summarized what isn't important. (5/5)

Conclusion: you can cook, and I don't think I need to give you anymore advice, just keep doing whatever you are doing with this story, your creativity is something to behold.

 

[Elmir_Arch-Ham_of_Omega]

Thank you very much! I'm currently working on the advice of those who've given me feedback to add / rewrite some of the chapters, especially with the grammar and overall worldbuildling, since some have told me certain things do need fleshing out.

You're quite accurate with me hurrying towards the more salient points though, that was what I was rushing to on my first pass. Not a good thing to do I know, but I just felt that I could just skip some parts and retcon them to another chapter.

"the out of left field things are funny as fuck."
I have a feeling I know what chapter that is...

 

[melchi]

What if you read 5 chapters and still want to read more than that?

 

[RemHydragrove]

I would love for you to read over my story! The chapters are a bit longer, so feel free to judge whatever you feel to be 5 chapters worth of content! I am new to posting here and usually do longform stuff.

edit: have been told to cut them smaller, so i did!

Ash and Honey [BL]

Fu Ran is a Peak Master of An Xian Yun Peak. He has been struggling with insomnia ever since he obtained his spiritual weapon, Shi Wei Ji. This silver blade brought with it dreams of the future: nightmares and horrors of his own death. Most of these death’s are...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Sukawara]

Hello! Thank you for offering to go through and review everyones stories. I'd like to throw mine into the mix too. Let me know how I did.

The Reincarnated Swordsman is a genius mage

In my previous life, I was hailed as a 'genius' fighter, a true force to be reckoned with. but fate took an unexpected twist, and I met my end on the battlefield. To my astonishment, I awoke after my demise, face to face with a deity who revealed that they...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Rhaps]

Y'know, I've never been roasted before when it comes to my writing... except for a few reviews, so go ahead if you have time. I'm curious.

Archwizard K’s Journey In The Cultivation World

Kierra was a world-renowned archwizard. Master of all elements, Lord of all mythical beasts, Sovereign of Heaven and Earth. Everyone and everything was beneath her. After living for centuries, she was... bored. So she decided to create a new magic ritual that could send her to another...

www.scribblehub.com

(I gotta be honest, reading this reminds why I hate xianxia so much)

Cover&Title: the cover has an artistic sense to it being, a witch drawn in eastern style like one of those classic chinese painting, definitely draws people in. The title is simple and straight forward enough, giving the readers what to expect. Though I prefer more vague titles, something that describes the story in a fantastical way. (5/5)

Synopsis: describing the power of the MC, getting the readers to know her from the beginning is good, creating some sense of familiarity like the title. Going for the basic plotline of a typical xianxia is good too, as in this heap of countless trash there are too many that ends up being the same thing even though it says its going to be different, giving the readers what to expect before diving in. (5/5)

Chapter: ahh, the cringe. The reason why it took me so long to review this is that it suffers the same thing all xianxia novel suffer from, over the top lines and expressions that don't work well with english. The pacing on the other hand is good, there is a clear line of progression, and raising stakes like depleting mana reserve can help retain reader's attention like wondering what would happen if the MC don't have mana. Although I think you need to express more on the difference between magic and cultivation, if they aren't the same thing express in different way. The comedic moments actually land, somehow, amongst the sea of cringe expression. (1/5) (1 because its due to my vendeta against cultivation, otherwise it would be 5)

Conclusion: you can cook but cultivation honestly hurts my soul from the cringe, the psychic damage is real, I don't know what to say except continue on writing.

 

[Rhaps]

Gonna throw my story into the mix. Currently only 3 parts released (2 chapters, 3 submissions), but there's a good chance 5 parts will be out by the time the critique gets to me (estimating this to be done on Friday 7/19).

Also thank you @Rhaps for taking the time to critique everyone that has submitted here. Really appreciative of you doing this

The one thing I'm not 100% sure on is my cover. It might be too subtle for the Scribblehub UI to represent. The reflection is his past life (no staff, street clothes + backpack, city buildings instead of a forest).

Regretful Reincarnation: Kōkai no Tensei

Cover&Title: the cover is pretty beautiful with overlooking a vast world, it really coveys that this is an exploring adventure (the current one isn't my cup of tea but its alright). The title spoke as if its a tragedy about to unfold, it just feel like a bait for the wrong audience, and repeating the title twice in different language is pretty generic. (3/5)

Synopsis: introducing like any typical isekai story, nothing to complain about. You laid out the general plotline, introduced the MC's past life and the motivation to a certain extend. Still this has everything perfect for a drama but seeing the what to expect describing it as a relatively lighthearted story which leads to confusion. You are giving off two different vibes which isn't good, maybe you can make do without the "What to expect" section in the synopsis. (4/5)

Chapter: the pacing is slow to say the least, out of the chapters you have I don't get the sense of a story happening after three chapters, the fourth one is where I feel it really begin. I can see that you are trying to introduce the world while giving context to the MC's family, but I don't think its a good way since readers might easily get bored especially if they are a veteran reader. For the story itself, as I mentioned before, it feel slow, while there is clear progression in the timeline, it feel slow like any age progression story, whatever personality there is, except for the MC, feels barebone, you need more description to their expression, give them gestures to make them feel alive. For a story still in the explanation phase, I find it lacking in many ways but still good enough to read just for the world alone. And since you didn't met my criteria of 5 chapters, there will be no score.

Conclusion: you can cook but you need to work more on the characters, your world is interesting to say the least.

P.S, since nobody answer it for you, there is no worldbuilding tag because it isn't a tag, its a process.

 

[kunic]

Cover&Title: the cover is pretty beautiful with overlooking a vast world, it really coveys that this is an exploring adventure (the current one isn't my cup of tea but its alright). The title spoke as if its a tragedy about to unfold, it just feel like a bait for the wrong audience, and repeating the title twice in different language is pretty generic. (3/5)

Synopsis: introducing like any typical isekai story, nothing to complain about. You laid out the general plotline, introduced the MC's past life and the motivation to a certain extend. Still this has everything perfect for a drama but seeing the what to expect describing it as a relatively lighthearted story which leads to confusion. You are giving off two different vibes which isn't good, maybe you can make do without the "What to expect" section in the synopsis. (4/5)

Chapter: the pacing is slow to say the least, out of the chapters you have I don't get the sense of a story happening after three chapters, the fourth one is where I feel it really begin. I can see that you are trying to introduce the world while giving context to the MC's family, but I don't think its a good way since readers might easily get bored especially if they are a veteran reader. For the story itself, as I mentioned before, it feel slow, while there is clear progression in the timeline, it feel slow like any age progression story, whatever personality there is, except for the MC, feels barebone, you need more description to their expression, give them gestures to make them feel alive. For a story still in the explanation phase, I find it lacking in many ways but still good enough to read just for the world alone. And since you didn't met my criteria of 5 chapters, there will be no score.

Conclusion: you can cook but you need to work more on the characters, your world is interesting to say the least.

P.S, since nobody answer it for you, there is no worldbuilding tag because it isn't a tag, its a process.

Thank you!

Per your feedback, I dropped the lighthearted bit from the description. I don't think that properly conveyed what I meant by it anyhow in retrospect. As for the title, I was going for something like how "Mushoku Tensei: Jobless Reincarnation" does its name in romanji, followed by the English title. I guess it doesn't make sense for a native English book, so I renamed it to the proper title + subtitle: "Regretful Reincarnation: Searching for my Way Home" along with updating the art to reflect that.

As for the chapter pacing, I think this is due to the structure I'm following. Kishotenketsu is an eastern storytelling structure that's 4 acts roughly split into 25% of the book each: introduction, development, twist, conclusion. Regretful Reincarnation is still in that introduction phase, transitioning into development, which leads to a slower start (it mimics a lot of light novels I've read at least). Still, it may be a bit too slow for the general western audience. I'll see if I can inject spice into the start of it. Maybe a prologue showing the last day of the protagonists former life? I'll also see what I can do regarding the protagonists personality. I was intending the "twist" part of kishotenketsu to be a chapter dedicated to what he's lost, setting up the stakes and his character motivation for the future. Leading up to this chapter I wanted to sprinkle in bits and pieces of it (like in Chapter 2 Part 2 with that brief flashback).

Anyhow, thanks again! Will definitely be reevaluating certain parts of the story now.

 

[Rhaps]

I would love for you to read over my story! The chapters are a bit longer, so feel free to judge whatever you feel to be 5 chapters worth of content! I am new to posting here and usually do longform stuff.

edit: have been told to cut them smaller, so i did!

Ash and Honey [BL]

Fu Ran is a Peak Master of An Xian Yun Peak. He has been struggling with insomnia ever since he obtained his spiritual weapon, Shi Wei Ji. This silver blade brought with it dreams of the future: nightmares and horrors of his own death. Most of these death’s are...

www.scribblehub.com

Sorry for taking so long, and again, I have a vendetta against cultivation and xianxia so this will be extremely bias.

Cover&Title: the cover is serene and beautiful, the MC overlooking his disciple and the one in the distance right under the cherry blossom draws in curiosity, the serene vibe with sprinkles of mystery is so good. For the title, although simple the contrast of it is amazing, ash usually make people think of war or burning something to the ground, and honey gives off the vibe of a sweet story, something a bit fluff, again, you are able to capture people's subconsciousness which I find really amazing (5/5)

Synopsis: it is too long for my liking, as I prefer a brief yet concise storyline but I can see why you wrote it so long, show the background info and jump right into the story. It gives the motivation, plotline, and laid out the general storyline but doesn't give the reader enough and forces them to read the novel. What I like is the theme of destiny and fate in the story, the visions being potentially wrong and the overal vibes of there is more to it. (5/5)

Chapter: once again it is proven that Chinese formal speech don't work well with English, it sounds cringe with the way the characters speak, their prejudice and pride are the most eye rolling things ever, you got stuck in the same trap. The pacing is slow for my liking, even if I understand that for cultivation there are a lot of explanation to do. Breaking up the walls of text since they are a bit too confusing, especially with multiple characters speaking in the same block. But other than that, I find the story interesting with the politics and the malice emanating from the texts, you are good at displaying how petty and spiteful xianxia people are. (1/5) (Would've been 4 if it wasn't a Xianxia)

Conclusion: You can cook, but you need to proofread and revise the story structure more in order to make it easier to read.

 

[RemHydragrove]

Sorry for taking so long, and again, I have a vendetta against cultivation and xianxia so this will be extremely bias.

First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to read over everything! I only recently read your post about not liking xianxia at all, so I was feeling terribly self-conscious for making you read something you hate! Please, never apologize for being biased over things you don't like!

Cover&Title: the cover is serene and beautiful, the MC overlooking his disciple and the one in the distance right under the cherry blossom draws in curiosity, the serene vibe with sprinkles of mystery is so good. For the title, although simple the contrast of it is amazing, ash usually make people think of war or burning something to the ground, and honey gives off the vibe of a sweet story, something a bit fluff, again, you are able to capture people's subconsciousness which I find really amazing (5/5)

This alone is such nice feedback! I drew the cover myself, so hearing that it evoked an image that I wanted it too means so much! I'm also glad you like the title, as it was something that I was worried about it. I thought it might be too simple, but those are the feelings that I most certainly wanted from it.

Synopsis: it is too long for my liking, as I prefer a brief yet concise storyline but I can see why you wrote it so long, show the background info and jump right into the story. It gives the motivation, plotline, and laid out the general storyline but doesn't give the reader enough and forces them to read the novel. What I like is the theme of destiny and fate in the story, the visions being potentially wrong and the overal vibes of there is more to it. (5/5)

Even I feel it is a touch on the long side! I do have a shorter version, but all of my beta reader's felt the longer one fit better!
As you said, using a shorter version required me to cut out some themes like... the validity of these visions. I'm glad to hear that even though it was long, it still gave some positives as well!

Chapter: once again it is proven that Chinese formal speech don't work well with English, it sounds cringe with the way the characters speak, their prejudice and pride are the most eye rolling things ever, you got stuck in the same trap. The pacing is slow for my liking, even if I understand that for cultivation there are a lot of explanation to do. Breaking up the walls of text since they are a bit too confusing, especially with multiple characters speaking in the same block. But other than that, I find the story interesting with the politics and the malice emanating from the texts, you are good at displaying how petty and spiteful xianxia people are. (1/5) (Would've been 4 if it wasn't a Xianxia)

Conclusion: You can cook, but you need to proofread and revise the story structure more in order to make it easier to read.

Once again, I deeply apologize for making you read xianxia!

That being said, this is a very good overview! To be honest, before writing this, I had not written in about 10 years. So hearing that some sentences come off as clunky, is no surprise! The newer chapters, like 160k words in sound much better. As the only way to improve structure is just to... write more structure!

As a fan of some Chinese BL novels, I can 100% agree that sometimes the wording comes off just as you mentioned: strange and at some times cringy! I think my tastes have divulged into a mess, because I like the eye-rolling nonsense, and never ending long terms for things!


Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I appreciate it more than I can convey!

 

[TakeoMasaki]

If you still have capacity and you enjoy Sci Fi, please consider my story:

The Network

'The Network' is a gripping sci-fi thriller that propels Niko Tesic from a struggling nanomedicine researcher into the heart of a top-secret government project. Unearthed from a mysterious alien artifact, advanced nanorobots hold the potential to revolutionize medicine. However, it also harbors...

www.scribblehub.com