Fairy Feedback v2

[Rhaps]

I haven't finished chapter 5 yet, but I hope I will once you get to my Google Docs draft. It's somewhat of a unique take on litRPGs due to being inspired by the roguelike genre like Vampire Survivors.

Beware the Horde

Synopsis Too raw to live, too far to die. Hajime expected the usual things upon being reborn into another world: dragons, magic, a skill system, or maybe even some “chosen hero” prophecy. Instead, he gets an open field and a million slimes surrounding him at every corner. Once the slimes ...

docs.google.com

P.S. The latest chapter is bound to be incomplete because I don't have a tight writing schedule.

Cover&Title: the cover is giving "Witness me" and "Nah, I'd win" vibe, it gives a story against the odds vibe, a classic. The title conveys what the main antagonistic force is, a horde is an interesting force, telling an overarching narrative and giving some worldbuilding. (5/5)

Synopsis: introducing the premise about the MC. The concept of groundhog day isn't exactly new, but it is a niche readers might enjoy. I really like the twist that it isn't just a generic isekai, a kind of drop in with the only objective being to survive, which is a great way to jump right in without having to explain the jargons. But I think you should give more description about the MC since from the synopsis people are going to think it is just going to be another bland JP MC. (5/5)

Chapter: jumping right into the action without any warning is often a gamble, a hit or miss depending on how promising it is, and the story is promising with how insane all the characters are, there is a maniacal undertone to all the characters. The pacing is a but too fast for my liking, but this works for the story that seem to be mostly about actions. The worldbuilding blends seamlessly when Farkas explains it, it works to info dump in this type of setting, reminds me a bit of Maze Runner. Other than some advice about cleaning up and proofread some more, to make sure the flow make sense, I really have nothing bad to say. (4/5) (minus 1 point because you didn't post on SH or any other site, grow some balls and just post)

Conclusion: You can cook but you need to take the leap and post it, your story is promising as it is something that can either flop badly or succeed depending on your investment.

 

[PBJ_Time]

Cover&Title: the cover is giving "Witness me" and "Nah, I'd win" vibe, it gives a story against the odds vibe, a classic. The title conveys what the main antagonistic force is, a horde is an interesting force, telling an overarching narrative and giving some worldbuilding. (5/5)

Synopsis: introducing the premise about the MC. The concept of groundhog day isn't exactly new, but it is a niche readers might enjoy. I really like the twist that it isn't just a generic isekai, a kind of drop in with the only objective being to survive, which is a great way to jump right in without having to explain the jargons. But I think you should give more description about the MC since from the synopsis people are going to think it is just going to be another bland JP MC. (5/5)

Chapter: jumping right into the action without any warning is often a gamble, a hit or miss depending on how promising it is, and the story is promising with how insane all the characters are, there is a maniacal undertone to all the characters. The pacing is a but too fast for my liking, but this works for the story that seem to be mostly about actions. The worldbuilding blends seamlessly when Farkas explains it, it works to info dump in this type of setting, reminds me a bit of Maze Runner. Other than some advice about cleaning up and proofread some more, to make sure the flow make sense, I really have nothing bad to say. (4/5) (minus 1 point because you didn't post on SH or any other site, grow some balls and just post)

Conclusion: You can cook but you need to take the leap and post it, your story is promising as it is something that can either flop badly or succeed depending on your investment.

Thank you! I understand the pacing is much faster than the usual web novel, and this is because I have a tendency of wanting to wrap things up in less than 1.7k works. I mean, sure, a word count like that isn't out of the ordinary, but I get what you mean. I can try stretching scenes just a little bit more or write two chapters worth of the same scene in the future.

I will post my story eventually, but only when I've written at least ten or fifteen chapters. I also need a little bit of advertising since I'll post this on Royal Road first. Have a good day. ?

 

[Nero-ftyr]

Hello,
I want to ask ur time to feedback about my story that i start writing recently.
THE WOUNDED CHILD OF DRAGON | Scribble Hub

 

[Rhaps]

Hello! Thank you for offering to go through and review everyones stories. I'd like to throw mine into the mix too. Let me know how I did.

The Reincarnated Swordsman is a genius mage

In my previous life, I was hailed as a 'genius' fighter, a true force to be reckoned with. but fate took an unexpected twist, and I met my end on the battlefield. To my astonishment, I awoke after my demise, face to face with a deity who revealed that they...

www.scribblehub.com

Cover&Title: the cover is pretty basic but it does convey some part that this set in a jp style world. The title could use more work as it is the most generic of generic, it doesn't show what is distinct about your story, giving it some more thought and change to suit the story instead of just a generic description (3/5)

Synopsis: the only thing I can say is that this is barebone, it is a basic introduction to an isekai story. You can improve by giving more context to the MC's previous life and give a sneak peak at the current life, while give some worldbuilding at whether or not it is the same world or a different one. (2/5)

Chapter: messy and fast is the best way to describe your structure. The first chapter is already confusing, as it is one singular flow without page breaks or any indication of scene change. Furthermore, the fast pace is atrocious as it just keep going on without pause, time skipping is a major problem here and you need to slow down, give it some time to breathe, the slice of life tag must be there for a reason. One more thing is the plot armor is extremely visible, there are moments when I just roll my eyes like the affinity testing part, it may be a story, but don't make it too unrealistic. That said, I think you have the potential to write a good story, just that it feel too generic. (2/5)

Conclusion: you need to go back into the kitchen and hone your skills, proofread and recheck your story structure to slow it down and make it more comprehensible.

 

[Nero-ftyr]

Cover&Title: the cover is pretty basic but it does convey some part that this set in a jp style world. The title could use more work as it is the most generic of generic, it doesn't show what is distinct about your story, giving it some more thought and change to suit the story instead of just a generic description (3/5)

Synopsis: the only thing I can say is that this is barebone, it is a basic introduction to an isekai story. You can improve by giving more context to the MC's previous life and give a sneak peak at the current life, while give some worldbuilding at whether or not it is the same world or a different one. (2/5)

Chapter: messy and fast is the best way to describe your structure. The first chapter is already confusing, as it is one singular flow without page breaks or any indication of scene change. Furthermore, the fast pace is atrocious as it just keep going on without pause, time skipping is a major problem here and you need to slow down, give it some time to breathe, the slice of life tag must be there for a reason. One more thing is the plot armor is extremely visible, there are moments when I just roll my eyes like the affinity testing part, it may be a story, but don't make it too unrealistic. That said, I think you have the potential to write a good story, just that it feel too generic. (2/5)

Conclusion: you need to go back into the kitchen and hone your skills, proofread and recheck your story structure to slow it down and make it more comprehensible.

Thank you !
My story is not isekai and can be have past life no system interface. I have done my own world building base. Its just the beginning i will ensure to make good the story.

 

[Zagaroth]

I wouldn't mind if you tossed a review my way. I am not sure what all of your criteria are, but I have only 13 ratings/1 review at the moment. My story is big, but also a recent import so I haven't had it on here very long.

The link is in my signature. :)

 

[Rhaps]

If you still have capacity and you enjoy Sci Fi, please consider my story:

The Network

'The Network' is a gripping sci-fi thriller that propels Niko Tesic from a struggling nanomedicine researcher into the heart of a top-secret government project. Unearthed from a mysterious alien artifact, advanced nanorobots hold the potential to revolutionize medicine. However, it also harbors...

www.scribblehub.com

Cover&Title: the cover conveys that this is a sort of alien invasion style story, the color is also sci-fi so its enough to tell that it take place on Earth, as a lover of modern fantasy and sci-fi, this got me hooked right away. The title is too simple and too general in my opinion, it definitely fit the sci-fi theme like The Matrix, but I think you should go for something more complicated. (5/5)

Synopsis: the description is simple yet effective, I think this part shows a part of your writing skill as there is a certain "tone" to the synopsis, setting up the vibe and lead seamlessly into the story proper. The bullet points of information definitely work here, getting the info as fast and as simple as possible yet still keep the flow. You give the readers the hook and reels them in instantly with this. The what to expect is a bit unnecessary in my opinion, as anyone with a functioning brain can deduce them as more elaborate extension of the synopsis proper. Honestly, amongst all the stories I'd reviewed, this synopsis sounds the most like a synopsis. (6/5) (additional point for surpassing my expectations)

Chapter: jumping back and forth between two points in time can either be a boon or a detriment to your story, I haven't read far enough to see which it is, just an advice to be careful with this form of narrative. The pacing is just right for a sci-fi like this, there is enough technical jargon to keep me hooked and not get bored or confused by the information, which would be alright because these are scientists, its normal to get lost in their explanation. The storyline is simple, discovering alien technology, but you make it a larger than life thing with all the reveals about the alien technology. The world building is grounded and believable like any sci-fi story, there is enough going on to make this a possible future - which is something many sci-fi author forgets in favor of glandiose borderline impossible things to imagine. It is hard to capture the attitude and thought process of scientists or any other on the field which you aren't familiar with on a profession level, but you did just great and make the science people feels like scientists. One thing you capture very well is "Stress", I can feel the stress from the MC, the weight and expectations that was placed on him, giving enough information for the reason why he's stressed but still keep going, inner dialogues and descriptions that captures how and why he is this way, its amazing. (5/5)

Conclusion: You can cook and what you have here is an amazing sci-fi story that feel amazing and smart, full of inner turmoils that honestly brings the best aspect of the story, so keep going!

Additionally, I looked at your upload schedule, yeah, I think you should delete that. This story's potential worldbuilding and affair seem huge, take your time and write what you think is best for your story.

P.S, can I recommend your story in my story?

 

[Director_Kun]

I'm not to sure how to ask for feedback but if you have the chance can you give feedback on my story?

Swords & Gunpowder

When the massive online dive multiplayer game shutdown, the players that remained until shutdown weren’t kicked out. However they remained in the game, one small issue their virtual reality was made real and now they have to scrounge for food and fight off enemy hordes who wish for them...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TakeoMasaki]

Cover&Title: the cover conveys that this is a sort of alien invasion style story, the color is also sci-fi so its enough to tell that it take place on Earth, as a lover of modern fantasy and sci-fi, this got me hooked right away. The title is too simple and too general in my opinion, it definitely fit the sci-fi theme like The Matrix, but I think you should go for something more complicated. (5/5)

Synopsis: the description is simple yet effective, I think this part shows a part of your writing skill as there is a certain "tone" to the synopsis, setting up the vibe and lead seamlessly into the story proper. The bullet points of information definitely work here, getting the info as fast and as simple as possible yet still keep the flow. You give the readers the hook and reels them in instantly with this. The what to expect is a bit unnecessary in my opinion, as anyone with a functioning brain can deduce them as more elaborate extension of the synopsis proper. Honestly, amongst all the stories I'd reviewed, this synopsis sounds the most like a synopsis. (6/5) (additional point for surpassing my expectations)

Chapter: jumping back and forth between two points in time can either be a boon or a detriment to your story, I haven't read far enough to see which it is, just an advice to be careful with this form of narrative. The pacing is just right for a sci-fi like this, there is enough technical jargon to keep me hooked and not get bored or confused by the information, which would be alright because these are scientists, its normal to get lost in their explanation. The storyline is simple, discovering alien technology, but you make it a larger than life thing with all the reveals about the alien technology. The world building is grounded and believable like any sci-fi story, there is enough going on to make this a possible future - which is something many sci-fi author forgets in favor of glandiose borderline impossible things to imagine. It is hard to capture the attitude and thought process of scientists or any other on the field which you aren't familiar with on a profession level, but you did just great and make the science people feels like scientists. One thing you capture very well is "Stress", I can feel the stress from the MC, the weight and expectations that was placed on him, giving enough information for the reason why he's stressed but still keep going, inner dialogues and descriptions that captures how and why he is this way, its amazing. (5/5)

Conclusion: You can cook and what you have here is an amazing sci-fi story that feel amazing and smart, full of inner turmoils that honestly brings the best aspect of the story, so keep going!

Additionally, I looked at your upload schedule, yeah, I think you should delete that. This story's potential worldbuilding and affair seem huge, take your time and write what you think is best for your story.

P.S, can I recommend your story in my story?

Thank you so much @Rhaps for the detailed review and the kind words. I'm a first-time author with no prior experience, and English is my second language, so every review and every suggestion for improvement is highly appreciated and keeps me going!

Please note that some peculiarities (like the ''What to expect'') are because this is a cross-post from RoyalRoad, where I am much further down in the story. I actually have completed the book, but I constantly keep second-guessing myself and the quality of it.

It would be amazing if you could recommend me in your work! I see you had amazing success with your book, so thank you! I will also definitely check your story out these days!

 

[Rhaps]

Hello,
I want to ask ur time to feedback about my story that i start writing recently.
THE WOUNDED CHILD OF DRAGON | Scribble Hub

Cover&Title: the cover is a bit too generic for my liking, as it is a black and white like a manga, the texture feels too flat in my opinion, it wouldn't attract much attention. The title need to not be all caps, it feels like the title is screaming and create a certain hostile feeling, you should change it to not be all caps (3/5)

Synopsis: the synopsis is pretty detailed, showing who the MC is, his plight and problems, while also setting up the general plotline of the story to follow. I enjoy the worldbuilding you gave, it isn't too long and detailed, just enough to describe the world and give context about where the story take place, a mini what to expect if you deliver what you wrote. The only gripe I have is the two paragraphs should switch order, usually, establishing the worldbuilding first then lead to the storyline works better since it is like zooming into a world, not zooming out, it works better for an adventure story. (5/5)

Chapter: messy is the best way to describe this story, from the first chapter that has a completely different story structure to the rest, giving out the keywords section which breaks immersion and their usage in the story. You should only stick to one form of story structure, the first chapter feels like reading a play's script more than a story, like a draft for the chapter that wasn't supposed to be seen, so I recommend rewriting it to better suit the rest of the story. For the keywords, I think it is better to incorporates them into the story proper instead of just giving a dictionary as it adds much more immersion to the story, sprinkles in some info here and there, giving quick notes that blends into the story instead of just having the keywords. For breaking the storyflow, InconnuX is something I have a gripe with, as it doesn't fit into the story, hiding the names and places isn't doing much for the story and labeling them as number doesn't help either, it is better to reveal the names but don't give any context to who they are or what that place is, this is call Chekhov's gun, since they obviously will be important later on. (As per what I stated, I won't be giving you a score for this part)

Conclusion: get back into the kitchen and practice more, proofread and review your story structure. To see if your story make sense, one way to do it is to take a nap or even sleep through the night, with a fresh mindset you will be able to see the flaws of the story.

 

[AdOtherwise]

Hello again, I'm writing a new novel and wanted to know if you wanted to give feedback. The story this time is first person and will be more heavily cultivation-based. I only got one chapter right now and it's not released. If you're interested I'd be happy to get your thoughts through dm.

 

[Sukawara]

Cover&Title: the cover is pretty basic but it does convey some part that this set in a jp style world. The title could use more work as it is the most generic of generic, it doesn't show what is distinct about your story, giving it some more thought and change to suit the story instead of just a generic description (3/5)

Synopsis: the only thing I can say is that this is barebone, it is a basic introduction to an isekai story. You can improve by giving more context to the MC's previous life and give a sneak peak at the current life, while give some worldbuilding at whether or not it is the same world or a different one. (2/5)

Chapter: messy and fast is the best way to describe your structure. The first chapter is already confusing, as it is one singular flow without page breaks or any indication of scene change. Furthermore, the fast pace is atrocious as it just keep going on without pause, time skipping is a major problem here and you need to slow down, give it some time to breathe, the slice of life tag must be there for a reason. One more thing is the plot armor is extremely visible, there are moments when I just roll my eyes like the affinity testing part, it may be a story, but don't make it too unrealistic. That said, I think you have the potential to write a good story, just that it feel too generic. (2/5)

Conclusion: you need to go back into the kitchen and hone your skills, proofread and recheck your story structure to slow it down and make it more comprehensible.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I will use everything you told me and reform my story.

 

[Rhaps]

Hello again, I'm writing a new novel and wanted to know if you wanted to give feedback. The story this time is first person and will be more heavily cultivation-based. I only got one chapter right now and it's not released. If you're interested I'd be happy to get your thoughts through dm.

My stance is clear, I'll only review it if its have 5 chapters. So take your time and flesh out the story.

 

[AdOtherwise]

My stance is clear, I'll only review it if its have 5 chapters. So take your time and flesh out the story.

I'll be back soon then

 

[Rhaps]

I wouldn't mind if you tossed a review my way. I am not sure what all of your criteria are, but I have only 13 ratings/1 review at the moment. My story is big, but also a recent import so I haven't had it on here very long.

The link is in my signature. :)

Sorry for the delay, had some work to get through.

Cover&Title: the cover is another anime fox girl, but the style is unique in of itself, though I think it doesn't reflect the story very well since it revolves around three people, maybe add Mordecai and Moriko into it. The title is simple but it catch attention simply because its in the form of a question, it also conveys what this story is about, revolving around the word "Core", so I find nothing wrong with it (5/5)

Synopsis: giving introduction to the MCs is always good, and you gave just enough information to hook readers in, making them questions what are these characters like and how they meet. Giving a general outline of the story and introducing the baddies in the shadow, giving the readers a taste of conflict, is another good hook which set out the main adversaries to be some sort of ancient beings or gods themselves, letting the reader's imagination run wild. Usually, I would point out that there aren't much worldbuilding, but in this case I strangely find it unnecessary to have as the introductions to the MCs had done enough to fill in the worldbuilding, hitting two birds with one stone type of deal (5/5)

Chapter: ah, my old enemy, walls upon walls of text. There is a reason why authors tend to avoid them as they are dyslexia simulators, making it hard to immerse into the story as the readers would spend most of the time rereading in their confusion. The pacing is slow but I find that it is a common characteristic amongst Dungeon Core stories, it is like going up a hill and when you reach the top, the momentum will increase as the story goes on. One thing I find good is the worldbuilding, from Mordecai's explanation to Moriko's reaction gives off a sense of disconnection, as it should since these two lives so far apart from each other, he feels more like an old man tell the stories of old to a child in this particular situation. Though I find the flow a but too convenient, as Moriko doesn't seem to resist much (must be the abs) to Mordecai's proposal even though he is essentially an apocalypse. My favorite part is the whiplash when Kazue is introduced, this fluff of cuteness' reaction to what is essentially a woman breaking into her house and uses her as a battery pack, like, damn girl this isn't your day. (4.5/5)

Conclusion: you can cook and have a great story going for it but you need to learn how to condense information or break up the walls of text for ease of reading

 

[Zagaroth]

100% agree with you on the convenience/pacing of the early chapters and regarding Moriko, there are some larger changes I want to make to the beginning that do not edit into a serial well, as they affect too many things down the road. I am saving those changes for after I tweak everything that can be done without breaking continuity.

I am going to have to think about the walls of text. Are you reading on mobile or a small screen perchance? I write and read on my PC, and the paragraphs look reasonable to me. I am also used to traditionally published books, so while paragraphs need to be the right size, there's also rarely anything but text. Right now I do not have the perspective of how I can make it seem less like a wall of text for you, as it does not look like that to me.

On the cover: The work was done for free, so I am not going to be a choosing beggar. :) But I agree, and when I can afford to pay for one that is customized exactly to my desires, I will commission one that reflects more of the story.

Oh and regarding the title: I had no idea what to call it at first, and then I went with a wild inspiration based on an old manga/anime, Tenchi Muyo! (which translates to "No Need for Tenchi" ). So I've been a little uncertain about how good a title it is, given how I just picked something because I needed a title to get going.

And my wife has explained it in a bit more detail. My early chapters were mostly very short or very long sentences, but my current work includes more variety of medium-length sentences. I hadn't gotten this specific feedback before.

I think editing to fix that particular issue is going to have to be a lower priority for the moment. It wants to be done, but there many, many things that want to be done.

 

[Rhaps]

100% agree with you on the convenience/pacing of the early chapters and regarding Moriko, there are some larger changes I want to make to the beginning that do not edit into a serial well, as they affect too many things down the road. I am saving those changes for after I tweak everything that can be done without breaking continuity.

I am going to have to think about the walls of text. Are you reading on mobile or a small screen perchance? I write and read on my PC, and the paragraphs look reasonable to me. I am also used to traditionally published books, so while paragraphs need to be the right size, there's also rarely anything but text. Right now I do not have the perspective of how I can make it seem less like a wall of text for you, as it does not look like that to me.

On the cover: The work was done for free, so I am not going to be a choosing beggar. :) But I agree, and when I can afford to pay for one that is customized exactly to my desires, I will commission one that reflects more of the story.

Oh and regarding the title: I had no idea what to call it at first, and then I went with a wild inspiration based on an old manga/anime, Tenchi Muyo! (which translates to "No Need for Tenchi" ). So I've been a little uncertain about how good a title it is, given how I just picked something because I needed a title to get going.

And my wife has explained it in a bit more detail. My early chapters were mostly very short or very long sentences, but my current work includes more variety of medium-length sentences. I hadn't gotten this specific feedback before.

I think editing to fix that particular issue is going to have to be a lower priority for the moment. It wants to be done, but there many, many things that want to be done.

I read mostly on my phone so walls of text are usually a problem for me.

A way to break up the blocks is to add in animations between them, don't just have the characters spew out dialogues but let them feel like they are speaking. Like describing the hand movements or some minor actions, these things might be small but they adds a whole lot to the characters.

 

[Zagaroth]

I read mostly on my phone so walls of text are usually a problem for me.

A way to break up the blocks is to add in animations between them, don't just have the characters spew out dialogues but let them feel like they are speaking. Like describing the hand movements or some minor actions, these things might be small but they adds a whole lot to the characters.

Mmm, I do try to do them, but I also tend to include them inside the paragraphs, so that won't break up the blocks visually.

But that is something solid to work with. I need to make my paragraphs smaller, one way or another.

 

[BarkTwain]

Hello hello, one and all. Since feedback season is back I might as well join the wagon.

The standards are slightly raised so this time its 5/5 instead of the previous 4/4. The same as last time, I'll read 5 chapters and give my thoughts, but for any story below 5 chapters I won't give out an overall score (except for certain situations and oneshots)

The category is the same as last time:

Cover&Title: how informative it is.

Synopsis: how much information it gives out.

Chapter: I'll read the first five chapters or however many you cook for the first meal.

Would love your thoughts on my completed work:

Project Star Pickle

Word of advice: don’t go touching weird alien crystals without first considering the consequences, even if they did fall out of the sky and crush your house. Hi there, Jack Cobb here, and see this scar on the palm of my hand? Looks like a pair of lips, right?...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you!

 

[Rhaps]

I'm not to sure how to ask for feedback but if you have the chance can you give feedback on my story?

Swords & Gunpowder

When the massive online dive multiplayer game shutdown, the players that remained until shutdown weren’t kicked out. However they remained in the game, one small issue their virtual reality was made real and now they have to scrounge for food and fight off enemy hordes who wish for them...

www.scribblehub.com

Cover&Title: the cover itself is simple which isn't a bad thing, but I have to say it is a bit too vague and blurry on the cover page, I suggest changing it to something easier to recognize. Like your cover, the title is simple and conveys what your story is about, from the moment I read the title it set up expectations for what your story is about, achieving what LN titles usually do but less wordy. (5/5)

Synopsis: it is a good opening for the story, giving the readers about the situation of the characters, it gives a lot of Overlord vibes with players transported to a new world as the game shut down. Though there is one thing I think you missed, introducing the characters, it described nothing about the MC or their army, aside from that they are stuck in another world and is an army, there is no description for the readers to latch on or anything really, making the army feel like ambigious. What I like is the last line, painting a grimdark picture for the story to come, what the army have to deal with in a strange new world full of unknowns. (4/5)

Chapter: what I like is the dialogues, they potrays the characters as if they are a real army with structure clearly thought out, conveying that the characters are soldiers despite most of it just being roleplay and is a game, yet realized they have to work together in this new world. You clearly have the ability to paint the confusion and terror of what comes with a new world, especially in a desparate environment like winter. Although you are good with dialogues, there isn't enough description to the story to make it compelling or easily comprehend. The first problem I see is the gender of the MC, I was confused until a character called CEO "Ma'am", as they lack the description to potray a girl in the very beginning. With a rich cast of characters, the only one to have a concrete character description is Ronin despite being a minor supporting character, give the officers a defining appearance trait and not just their personality, in writing you must judge the book by its appearance, as it give a reason to connect the readers to the characters. A story made with words is different from ink, as it relies on the reader's imagination to fully form, as an author you need to paint a clear picture with words. (4/5)

Conclusion: you can cook but you need to work on giving your cast of characters more identifiable traits beside their names, as their appearance are just fog in the reader's mind, especially the MC, give them a form so they can express their emotions better.