Building Healthy Boundaries

[Deleted member 84247]

Debating the points or severity of my own mental illness. That’s an important boundary for me. They do not struggle with it, or struggle with less crippling so they shouldn’t diminish it because they don’t have similar experiences.
If you are dubious as to just how bad things like depression are for others, I am happy to politely inform questions that are phrased in non-critical ways, and subtly get you what you want to know, and you can your conclusions inside your mind.
But pushing on seriously raw mental injuries will elicit an extremely visceral reaction.

That is an important boundary. It is essential to learn that if people don't respect your boundaries, you can disassociate from those people. Life is too short to concern yourself with people who don't respect you. That's not to say you shouldn't challenge yourself and consider whether what they said is valid, but if they are trying to hurt you, they aren't worth your time.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

That's not to say you shouldn't challenge yourself and consider whether what they said is valid, but if they are trying to hurt you, they aren't worth your time.

Yeah… introspection is difficult but it’s always worth it. One must always be refining and reevaluating your beliefs and thoughts on certain matters in the face of ignorant comments, purposeful intent to cause pain, and others’ agreements with your own beliefs. Sometimes it just means you reaffirm your own beliefs or you shift your view. For both though, make sure you recall as many perspectives on the matter as you can so you are neither self-righteous for your views nor wishy washy where it counts.

 

[LuoirM]

I blocked all the people that were cyberbulling me for 2-3 years

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

I don't really get it, but alright.

I could be wrong, but he could be saying what you responded to because he knows I will search my name (monotone and puppet).
I had Ignore-d him, because he had seriously crossed my boundaries twice. I had already un-Ignore-d him earlier, so the curiosity bait was unnecessary.
He was saying his comment was directed at me, and thanking you for quoting me because at some point, my attention would be drawn here via the Search engine.

 

[Deleted member 84247]

I could be wrong, but he could be saying what you responded to because he knows I will search my name (monotone and puppet).
I had Ignore-d him, because he had seriously crossed my boundaries twice. I had already un-Ignore-d him earlier, so the curiosity bait was unnecessary.
He was saying his comment was directed at me, and thanking you for quoting me because at some point, my attention would be drawn here via the Search engine.

What the hell? Was it some 5headed evil ploy? I didn't think that question mark had it in him.

 

[AnonUnlimited]

What the hell? Was it some 5headed evil ploy? I didn't think that question mark had it in him.

No, it wasn't. I was just making stuff up in the moment.
Also.
Ignoring someone who crosses your boundaries without knowing it is probably a good move.
I wasn't offended by that, since I'm not even sure what the boundaries are considering I don't know her very well.

Still, if someone doesn't like me then I will not bother them once they make it clear. Although I'll admit I was trying to find out if I was really ignored, that's just something I do because I'm curious.

 

[Deleted member 84247]

No, it wasn't. I was just making stuff up in the moment.
Also.
Ignoring someone who crosses your boundaries without knowing it is probably a good move.
I wasn't offended by that, since I'm not even sure what the boundaries are considering I don't know her very well.

Still, if someone doesn't like me then I will not bother them once they make it clear. Although I'll admit I was trying to find out if I was really ignored, that's just something I do because I'm curious.

 

[SternenklarenRitter]

There are generally a few different processes involved in maintaining healthy boundaries. These aren't sequential steps but happen simultainiously. 1) Identify your own boundaries. 2) Communicate your boundaries. 3) Enforce your boundaries. 4) Identify your associate's boundaries. 5) Respect your associate's boundaries. It is rather normal to have trouble with at least one of these, although for some people they all come naturally. Personally, I have a great deal of trouble with 4. I am as likely to come off unfriendly and dour as I am intrusive and overfamiliar, and I have pushed as many people away by being overpolite and excessively professional as I have by being nosy and oversharing, in either case misjudging my associates' boundaries.

 

[Deleted member 84247]

There are generally a few different processes involved in maintaining healthy boundaries. These aren't sequential steps but happen simultainiously. 1) Identify your own boundaries. 2) Communicate your boundaries. 3) Enforce your boundaries. 4) Identify your associate's boundaries. 5) Respect your associate's boundaries. It is rather normal to have trouble with at least one of these, although for some people they all come naturally. Personally, I have a great deal of trouble with 4. I am as likely to come off unfriendly and dour as I am intrusive and overfamiliar, and I have pushed as many people away by being overpolite and excessively professional as I have by being nosy and oversharing, in either case misjudging my associates' boundaries.

Well, that is also natural too. You also can't be friends with everyone.

 

[Hans.Trondheim]

You guys know I work in a public school setting in a hopelessly third world country with no hope of changing our situation for the better.

As such, I often end up involved with my students' circumstances even when I try to 'set boundaries'. While it may be tolerable to a certain degree, I tend to go way above what is required and beyond the call of my duty.

People often ask me why, and I really can't express my motivations enough. For one, I do it because I find my existence 'useful'. I've been bullied before, growing up. Almost everyone in my childhood made me feel I'm useless. Then, mix it up with the romantic view of self-sacrifice and service to others, and here I am helping and exhausting myself even though I know I'm already getting abused.

Then, there's also that part in me that I always try to deliver and make good on every promise I made. I've been frustrated with people breaking what they say, or set to do, and so I told myself not to be like that. And it's matter of personal dignity as well. Downside is, others tend to abuse that too, especially if you're not careful on what you promise.

Third, I've been poisoned by my ideals. I'm soaked with romantic ideas about equity and everyone deserves the best. I'm always involved with my community, and I was raised to be sensitive to the needs of people around me. However, nowadays? Some people just need to learn to stand on their feet without the help of someone else. This world is naturally unfair, and fighting it is a waste of time and resources. Worst, the people you fought for hated you for fighting for them, and they'd still hate you if you don't fight for them.

It's only now that I started setting limits to how far people can go through me. I'm still learning, and really, old habits die hard. But yes, it's been a progress. A painful process, if you ask me, because it's a big break from what I usually do. And honestly, I feel like a huge part of me died. But I guess it's a necessary evil, for I'm also tired of the abuse I always receive from people I helped.

 

[Deleted member 84247]

You guys know I work in a public school setting in a hopelessly third world country with no hope of changing our situation for the better.

As such, I often end up involved with my students' circumstances even when I try to 'set boundaries'. While it may be tolerable to a certain degree, I tend to go way above what is required and beyond the call of my duty.

People often ask me why, and I really can't express my motivations enough. For one, I do it because I find my existence 'useful'. I've been bullied before, growing up. Almost everyone in my childhood made me feel I'm useless. Then, mix it up with the romantic view of self-sacrifice and service to others, and here I am helping and exhausting myself even though I know I'm already getting abused.

Then, there's also that part in me that I always try to deliver and make good on every promise I made. I've been frustrated with people breaking what they say, or set to do, and so I told myself not to be like that. And it's matter of personal dignity as well. Downside is, others tend to abuse that too, especially if you're not careful on what you promise.

Third, I've been poisoned by my ideals. I'm soaked with romantic ideas about equity and everyone deserves the best. I'm always involved with my community, and I was raised to be sensitive to the needs of people around me. However, nowadays? Some people just need to learn to stand on their feet without the help of someone else. This world is naturally unfair, and fighting it is a waste of time and resources. Worst, the people you fought for hated you for fighting for them, and they'd still hate you if you don't fight for them.

It's only now that I started setting limits to how far people can go through me. I'm still learning, and really, old habits die hard. But yes, it's been a progress. A painful process, if you ask me, because it's a big break from what I usually do. And honestly, I feel like a huge part of me died. But I guess it's a necessary evil, for I'm also tired of the abuse I always receive from people I helped.

It's not even an evil, but I get what you mean. Your boundaries are also showing that you matter too. Not getting involved with other's problems doesn't make you uncaring, it just means you care for yourself too.

 

[Hans.Trondheim]

It's not even an evil, but I get what you mean. Your boundaries are also showing that you matter too. Not getting involved with other's problems doesn't make you uncaring, it just means you care for yourself too.

Aye. Nowadays, I always put into my mind that if I gave everything to the point I end up nothing for myself, what can I give to others later?

Besides, I've been betrayed enough. The feeling sucked, and I don't want to go through that again.

 

[RepresentingCaution]

I have a self care checklist. After breakfast, I tell my toddler that I'm going to do all those things before I help him with whatever thing he's gotten into, as long as he's safe, of course. After I brush my hair, I brush his hair, and then we can see about doing something fun.

 

[J_Chemist]

...oh what a dangerous thread to find...

 

[Deleted member 84247]

...oh what a dangerous thread to find...

Care to explain what you mean by that?

 

[J_Chemist]

Care to explain what you mean by that?

Maybe another time. I tried but uh... yea.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

humble

 

[Deleted member 148356]

Someone I know would use curse words at me so many time, I become annoyed and told em by massage not to use that word onto me.
"I'm serious." Thus they stopped using it. Ya gotta have to be brave and say whats needed otherwise, when will bad behavior stop?

 

[RepresentingDesire]

Have you ever experienced a strong emotion in response to a conflict? Maybe your friend kept pestering you about something you didn't want to do, but you kept getting increasingly frustrated over time until you snapped. Or perhaps it was something much smaller than that. It could be that your friend did something you felt uncomfortable with. If this keeps happening to you, you have not set healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are fundamental for interacting with other people. Not only should you set boundaries for what other people aren't allowed to do to you, but you should also set boundaries that show you care about yourself.

Example: You keep helping others out of your heart's kindness, but they take you for granted, or all of their problems become yours.

This shows that a clear boundary needs to be set for yourself and others. YOU ARE A PERSON TOO, AND BEING A PERSON means that you should also be cared for. You can't help everyone as it's impossible, so only help the ones you care about and respect your boundaries. Not having time to help others doesn't mean you don't care about them. It means that you care about yourself as well.

In this thread, you can share anything related to setting boundaries, whether physical, emotional, spiritual, etc. If anybody has good advice for setting boundaries, I would like to see it.

I have no boundaries that I'm aware of and don't plan to set any, I'm an erratic and emotional person. My opinion on a sentence can change a lot over one day, I don't posses any loyalty to everything really, I have no self that is true or exist. I just do what I do and that's all I want, I'm aware that it's an unhealthy way to live and many people dislike me for it or do something else negative to me, but there's still no consistency, I only want happiness and obsession.
But even if it's temporary I see it still as extremely important to know about what I currently care and think about how I can be the most happy in the long run that's called life. Which is probably the reason I'm not in therapy currently. Caring only about what is important to you is something I absolutely support especially those who are unapologetic in their behavior.