Hello
Will you
rip read my story as well?
Thanks a lot for your hard work.
As someone who acts as if they had ADHD all the time (it's not real, if it's not diagnosed), I can appreciate the effort you are putting into this.
Have a cookie as thanks.
All She Wanted, Was to Live - Death Gave Her a Second Chance. Celia had fought creatures called 'Visitors' for as long as she could remember. Together with Pan, a Visitor of Special Grade himself, her single goal was to survive. Yet after dying an unexpected death one day, she...
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For you and the other person I'm reviewing today, just want to provide the disclaimer: I'm influenced/distracted by all the house music I'm listening to right now. And all the potatoes I'm eating while typing.
Let the games begin.
First up, that first sentence, I don't like it.
There is nothing lulling about the sound of something you can't actually hear while potentially drowning/suffocating/dying?
I'm sure you're just trying to be like
really poetic, but it's medically not possible unless you have a really severe, specific form of tinnitus.
On that note, I'm so glad I got the mild normal kind where it's just a high-pitched eeeee meme.
Anyway, moving on.
Seeing a lot of overwritten prose. There's so much excess here, you could feed a city for a month.
For example, from what I read; coughing takes a handful of lines, standing up is it's own full length, video game struggle cutscene, even just little observations have stacked descriptions.
Translation: You need to chill the fuck out, in the nicest way possible.
Missed opportunites:
“Pan” is mentioned, but I don’t understand what he
is, so if there's meant to be something there emotionally, it's not coming through.
For someone to end up in a fragile state, where previous they lived by fighting, I'd expect more of a sense of loss than just focusing on the confusion aspect of it.
Like, if I suddenly woke up in the body of a fat, male discord mod's body, I'd be very confused and upset. "WHAT THE FUCK?!. I CAN'T EVEN WALK UP STAIRS ANYMORE!"
But overall, the setup, progression and concept are pretty strong. I could understand things at a face-value level pretty easily. Good job~
I stopped reading about 75% of the way down though, the skimmed the rest, reading the ending.
I was gonna stop there, but these potatoes told me to give it a second chance. So I did.
If your intention is that Celia was originally a cringe teen, you nailed that. I specialize in cringe teen/adult writing since I
am cringe.
Chapter 2:
Ah okay, we've locked in the premise. Amen, good shit. I through about 60% I think.
It was definitely more interesting to learn about Rowena's cause of death.
Mana stone hairdryer. lol. lmao even. I like it, it feels goofy even if not intentional. Just my opinion.
You might want to reign in the modern girl inner commentary on things. Some of the cringe things she says slightly breaks w/e immersion I got left running on a hamster wheel while trying to calculate math homework.
Also, if I was trapped and being medicated, in a body that's tragicly inefficient, I'd be pretty devastated or pissed off or both. Yet Celia is like, analytical, sarcastic. Shouldn't she be a bit more angry or upset? Especially with the whole pan thing? Unless your character is like, mentally unstable so she's just detached from reality. (like mine is. we love that)
More overwritten prose/stacking repetition:
“It also reminded her of the moment she had woken up in the body of Rowena, a person she had known for quite some time. Or, well, a ‘character’ rather than a person.”
“She recognized it the moment she had heard the name, even though she could not tell just by looking at her reflection in the mirror.”
“Rowena Dynari van Varnhagen was a character from a fantasy novel she had read…”
Should tighten these to one or two sentences, as an example. We love good pacing in this household.
Over-explaining & Exposition dumps:
“It was a bestseller, after all, though the plot was a bit generic.”
Neat, that doesn't add anything nor affect what's going on at all.
There was a story to all of this. Celia had met Sarah Dent, the author of the book, before it was even written. The woman had wanted to shake her savior's hand after a catastrophe had transpired.
At the time, she had acted similar to a religious believer, and told the child that she considered her to be her muse. Celia hadn't taken her words seriously, yet after a few months, Sarah already sent her an autographed copy of the finished novel, which would later turn out to be a huge success.
When asked about Rowena's reason for existence however, the author would always claim that she was a pitiful character, though most readers would perceive her as a minor villain. She would insist that she was important to the plot and to the relationship between the protagonists.
Should break this up, rather than dump this in-between active scenes of Celina getting dressed and what not.
Redunant:
“Another factor of this story that was rather difficult to understand: Who was Rowena really?”
“At this point Celia was at her wits' end…”
Yeah... that's been the whole two chapters so far m'dude.
Thank you Captain, for letting me know about the Obvious.
Hm, what else do I say? Well, I liked the eating scene with the maids reacting. The ending is good too, but it feels slightly muffled?
It doesn't have that like, punchy hook to make me want to check out chapter 3, y'know?
Hope that helps! If you ever revise it some day, some trimming and tightening would make for a better front lawn for your story~
Review Swap Request
Hi there! I'd love to do a swap with you if you're open to reading a completed short story.
I have a completed short horror/thriller story (12 chapters / ~25k words). It's a blend of SCP-style clinical dread and cosmic body horror.
Here is the link: [
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2257911/containment-object-the-gallery-of-flesh/]
If you're interested in swapping for 12 chapters, let me know! I can start reading your work today and leave a detailed, honest review.
Let me know if we have a deal!
Best,
L. Foxfire
Sorry, not too interested as per my thread states, I'd only be reading the first chapter or two, three, since I'd need to feel interested enough to keep going and not forcing myself to read a dozen chapters.
Hi! If you have some time, please take a look at this. It's a grimdark Slavic fantasy, so I was aiming for a
The Boys meets
The Witcher kind of vibe. Any feedback is much appreciated
Nayden's fingers slipped on his slashed side, blood leaking between them. 'This is only... a test,' the boy rasped, staring at the ash-choked sky. 'The Light will...' The Whisperer stepped back, avoiding the sticky red cobblestones. 'The puddle beneath you has a different opinion,' he noted...
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*sips dr pepper while munching on baked potatoes*
Ah yes, an interesting start. Nothing gets me more excited to read a story, than being presented with an overly poetic and dramatic content warning manifesto. Very cool.
(i'm being sarcastic btw, not sorry.)
It's how I know I'm in for a wild ride.
So far while reading, I'm getting 'author puts a shock collar on their dog- the reader, and proceeds to press the edgy button on their controller' vibes.
“let its filth get under your fingernails”
“toxic sweetness become your new addiction”
Let's just say this is very stylized writing and loses impact. If you want to show darkness, you need to actually show it, not just tell me how dark it'll be. And for this reason, I personally never read prologues or 'warnings'? Yeah, those things.
-Chapter 1-
Here we go, writing is more... standard, with mostly natural dialogue. We love that.
Nice world building with all the culture, danger social dyanmics.
But the opener is a bit... silly.
“From the valley below, the sound of drums and drunken shouts echoed on the wind like an echo from another world.”
The echo echoed so hard, it
echoed all over me.
Maybe a bit too long of descriptions of the festivals. Little pacing quirks I seen as I read.
And here's where your little manifesto kind of ruined the build up in the first chapter, I'm now seeing. You say things like “body horror, sadism, corruption, ruin, no hope”, and now while reading, I'm just wondering the whole time: "So, when does shit hit the fan?". It's harder for me to try and appreciate character moments.
You created this unintentional tone mismatch.
Chapter 0: IT'S DARK AND FUCKED UP, I SWEAR TO GOD. YOU WILL CRY AND SHIT YOUR PANTS.
Chapter 1: Hey man, how's it going? Let's drink this ale. Shit's a bit dank 'n spooky, but it's all good.
So far, it feels like I'm reading the equivalent of a kid wearing a serial killer costume. Looks menacing, but it's just a wee lad under there cause I can see how small and cute he actually is.
But other than that, I like the atmosphere, characters, dialogue. You just need a bit of weed whacker and go to town on those overgrown description and dialogue hedges.
Examples:
“The people of Volshev, dressed in colorful rags and masks made of bark or animal skulls, were dancing wildly. Some spun in trances, others twitched uncoordinated, tripping over their own feet. Their cheeks were smeared with charcoal and clay…”
“…Young boys jostled each other at the stalls, and girls squealed… men shot arrows… children… Forefathers…”
Could trim some of this and spread it out evenly like butter on toast, rather than slapping down a full cube.
“Remember when they recruited us? We were fifteen years old, full of milk and full of straw…”
“And we ended up as scarecrows,” Nayden finished bitterly.
“…Most of the guys our age are deadbeats…”
“…I'm out. Father wrote…”
Runs slightly too long for a single convo.
“The village below was shrouded in thick, gray smoke…”
“Shadows cast by dying fires…”
You mean, something is wrong with the village?! I had no idea after these four separate instances!
Overall, I'd say trust your story. You seem to trust your readers, maybe trust yourself.
Also, the ending didn't really hook me into chapter two. But I wish you luck with your writing!
