ADHD feedback for your chapters

[AliceMoonvale]

I ran a similar thread before, but I eventually likened all my feedback to reading a story for the sake of answering questions for a book essay for english class. Which as you imagine, is not very fun. So, I've now decided to make giving feedback even more fun for me by being completely unapolgetic and unleashing the full scope of my ADHD and Autism at your expense.

What I will do:

• Read your story until I'm not reading your story.
• Tell you what I think.
• Deliver brief, constructive criticism by pointing out any blaringly obvious errors or other silly shenanigans in your prose.

What YOU will do:

• Provide me your story that isn't straight up porn or translated by clankers
• Be aware that I have preferences for all forms of Fantasy, Horror/Thriller/Grimdark, Sci-fi, Comedy
• Take my words with a grain of spicy salt.
• Not try to pour said spicy salt back into my own mouth because silly, insane, internet lady hurt your fee-fees.
• Understand that your are receiving a casual review by someone who views your story through the lens of severe, inattentive ADHD.
• Understand that it is rare for me to read more than the first chapter without forcing myself. If I read more than one chapter, congratulations, you managed to hook in one of the most retarded, inattentive people on the planet. You get a gold star.

​

And ff you've posted your story before in the past, feel free to recommend it again.
Especially if you've rewritten parts or anything of the like, as it's very unlikely I'll remember anyone's story. (except pangmida's)

 

[DismaiNaim]

As a fellow ADHDer, I approve this message!

Enjoy

A Place To Bloom

Caleb of Gath wants nothing more than to climb mountains, hunt in the forest, and chase girls around the village, until he's called to war. He's never held a sword. As the truth unfolds, he must sacrifice everything he thought he knew about the world and grapple with the darkness...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[code_sike]

Early to one of these for once, cool. Thanks in advance!

Also, how do you format messages to always have your book at the bottom?

 

[AliceMoonvale]

As a fellow ADHDer, I approve this message!

Enjoy

A Place To Bloom

Caleb of Gath wants nothing more than to climb mountains, hunt in the forest, and chase girls around the village, until he's called to war. He's never held a sword. As the truth unfolds, he must sacrifice everything he thought he knew about the world and grapple with the darkness...

www.scribblehub.com

Well, getting a character walking down the runway with their attire described immediately at the beginning did have me reaching for my red flag in preparation. Also; SARINA? SARINA? SARINA?. I think I found out there's a lady named Sarina in this story.

I stopped at about half of the chapter before I started skimming. There's a lot being said (excessive exposition) about very little. (pacing issues) Had to skim mainly due to dialogue overload for me personally and a lot of minor characters popping up at once. And I did notice some tonal inconsistency, like when the vibes switch from reverent and dramatic to like, casual, somewhat humor sillines, then romance?

"holy Emperor so that he may go on being a cunt…"

Definitely need to spruce up your prose lawn. Clip and trim those sentence hedges a little bit so you can see over them into the neighbor's yard to say hello.

But yeah, this is the “setting up everything” at once first chapter, which easily overwhelmed and bored someone like me that needs a couple bells and whistles. But the writing in itself isn't bad~ You got the world building and character relationships down 'n all that, so good joe-b!

Also, how do you format messages to always have your book at the bottom?

Go to you signature in settings. BB code [ ]

 

[Makimaam]

I knew those earlier nice reviews were you holding back. Let’s hear the unfiltered version now.

 

[blushiemagic]

I feel like slow pacing is always going to be my greatest enemy, so let's see how quickly you stop with this.

Spoiler: Synopsis

By day, Thomas lives a hollow life, studying for a postgraduate degree and struggling to care when the war threatens to topple all that he’s worked for. By night, he suffers visceral nightmares, a sharp contrast to the numbness of his waking life.

But one morning, a new dream that feels more real than anything else offers a retreat from the terrors. He's thrown for a loop when the dream robs him of his body, and in for an identity crisis when it changes him into not one, but two girls. Now named Rayna and Lillian, they quickly find themselves thrust into both sides of a conflict between order and chaos. But now they’ve got awesome magic, and hey, anything’s better than the nightmares!

Or so they think, until the lines between dream and reality begin to blur, and their newfound refuge melts away. Unbeknownst to them, Rayna and Lillian are about to change both dreamworld and reality forever. And as they will soon discover, their old nightmares aren't done with them just yet…

Chapter 1: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/cf843f5e-f819-43ea-b77e-bdecf6a642ba
Chapter 2: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/c9dace26-981a-4dae-8157-d5f238f2c9f0
Chapter 3: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/6d5728a9-a651-4adf-85f6-61db76fd6f1a
(There's 3 more chapters in the intro arc but I'm assuming you'll get bored before this point)

 

[code_sike]

Go to you signature in settings. BB code [ ]

View attachment 48070

Thanks

 

[Queerious]

I've got a farm-to-table home grown story here, and on the plus side, as a fellow ADHD'r, it's still short and easy to read! I've got another chapter ready soon, but for now, there's just the first one. Edit: The story took over, and now there's two chapters. Whoops. Love to hear your thoughts!

If You Can Hear This, Stop Listening

Nessa Holloway knew that something was wrong in her life, but she just couldn't place it. Something felt distinctly different, even if nothing had changed. She could feel it. One night, as Nessa was closing up at her job, she heard a disembodied voice, as if through the radio. 'If...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[harrydouthwaite]

Here is my submission. I look forward to your comments, suggestions or criticisms. Thank you in advance from a fellow AuDHDer! :)

Sixes and Sevens

A Trains On The Brain series story. When you're all at sixes and sevens, you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. That's how twelve-year old Robin feels a lot of the time, but as he enters his preteen years in 2006 his world begins to change in many ways which leads...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[WanderingShadow1]

I'm not a very professional or experienced writer, so I would love to get some critique... Haven't posted many words but I do hope you'll give it a try.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2245687/the-world-thinks-im-dead-so-i-started-farming/

 

[AliceMoonvale]

Thanks

Well, the first chapter title is fitting. 'Odd'
It certainly was odd to see all that extra spacing between all the one sentence paragraphs.

And from there, I don't understand. Did you insert a prologue into chapter one? cause then I see Chapter One not even half way down the page. Please for the love of god fix that really awkward formatting. Things are either clumped together or spaced too far apart.

“Astute observation, my apprentice.”



“When did I become your apprentice?”



“When I said so.”



“When was that?”



“When I called you my apprentice, you clodpoll.”



“...right.”



Silence. But, not uncomfortable. I just watched the painting, trying to figure out its painter at the same time.



“This is as accurate as I could get.” She said quietly. Not in a shy way; she just knew i was going to listen no matter what.



“...to?”



“A ghost, of course.”

Whaaaat the fuuuuck is thiiiiis dialoooogue?
I have no idea who is talking, you haven't established a solid character voice for anyone to know immediately.
Use dialogue tags or something! LIEK JEEZ SCOOB.

I mean, you had me with some of the humor, character hook pertaining to the girl, I was legit interested, I like all that, but it got squashed really quickly by all the issues, such as over explaining minor details:

“Entering school, I headed straight to class, lugging along my heavy backpack with all the books I would need for the day”

Normal school morning was already established. I'd make this more brief.

Grammar:

“She basically wrote her own textbook in Global History, with the amount of things she ‘corrected’ in the one she was assigned.”

Try: She basically rewrote her global history textbook with all the ‘corrections’ she added

Need a lot of work on clarity. The transition you got between periods and locations is kinda like awkward, jarring. For instance, the move from study hall to the art room could be tightened to maintain flow while keeping the suspense.

Advice: try and pair humor with action and dialogue than exposition. Trim some of the boring doing the school things at school to improve pacing and flow. Not bad, but not great imo.

 

[Shadowless3]

Beneath the Crown

Born of royal blood but raised in shadows, she lives among the streets. A bright, reckless spirit with a hidden past and a secret only her sister knows. Careless, curious, and untamed, she has no interest in kingdoms, crowns, or fate. A streetwise troublemaker with a secret past, she hides...

www.scribblehub.com

Mine too

 

[c37]

Hit me up, mine is in the signature. Just a warning, chapters 1-7 are just dogwater and leave the prologue completely, I will scrap it; they have a lot of issues. But i still want to know if the plot and hooks are interesting enough or not.

 

[AliceMoonvale]

I knew those earlier nice reviews were you holding back. Let’s hear the unfiltered version now.

Hurry up and write a story so I can review bomb it.

I feel like slow pacing is always going to be my greatest enemy, so let's see how quickly you stop with this.

Spoiler: Synopsis

By day, Thomas lives a hollow life, studying for a postgraduate degree and struggling to care when the war threatens to topple all that he’s worked for. By night, he suffers visceral nightmares, a sharp contrast to the numbness of his waking life.

But one morning, a new dream that feels more real than anything else offers a retreat from the terrors. He's thrown for a loop when the dream robs him of his body, and in for an identity crisis when it changes him into not one, but two girls. Now named Rayna and Lillian, they quickly find themselves thrust into both sides of a conflict between order and chaos. But now they’ve got awesome magic, and hey, anything’s better than the nightmares!

Or so they think, until the lines between dream and reality begin to blur, and their newfound refuge melts away. Unbeknownst to them, Rayna and Lillian are about to change both dreamworld and reality forever. And as they will soon discover, their old nightmares aren't done with them just yet…

Chapter 1: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/cf843f5e-f819-43ea-b77e-bdecf6a642ba
Chapter 2: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/c9dace26-981a-4dae-8157-d5f238f2c9f0
Chapter 3: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/6d5728a9-a651-4adf-85f6-61db76fd6f1a
(There's 3 more chapters in the intro arc but I'm assuming you'll get bored before this point)

What is this blasphemy? non scribblehub links???
If I get virus from this, I'm contacting my lawyer.

So, I got through about 34% (thanks to the site showing this) before I got bored and impatient then started skimming.
The hook is decent, with the whole eldrich threat/dream thingy. Do got some vivid imagery in there and escalation.

But holy moly is it so wordy. That's why I lost interest.

"Keeping myself safe was no longer possible; my goal was now to avoid standing out..."

My fix: I kept my head down and moved with the crowd. Standing out meant getting caught.

You introduce a lot at once. The dream stuff, war, dystopian world, alternate physics, cognitohazards, etc. It's neato, but feels slightly overwhelming.

Repetition whiplash via - dream instability 'Not knowing if it's dream or pursuer' - “Anyone’s guess”
Try and avoid stacking the same thing without adding anything new.

Excessive detail: The pod - the corpse - the wall - the shockwave - the spinning - the pain explanation
I FEEL THE PAIN.

Overall, need more tightening of sentences and space out info dumps to be less dumpy, putting trust in readers more.

I stopped as the vehicles around me shimmered and blurred, eventually resolving into entirely different aircraft. Whether this was due to the instability of my dream or the influence of my pursuer was anyone's guess.

My fix: The vehicles shimmered then snapped into entirely different aircraft. It might of been dream instability, or something else.

Wish you luck~
words from a random insane person~

 

[Bimbanana]

*stare intensely

Will you read mine?
Will you?
Will you?
Will you?

Feedback? Up to you, i just want you to read mine

Will?
You?