Mama, I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and make babies with you.
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Kid: That’s not my pee, I promise.
Me: I know it was you. We can clean up together.
Kid: OK, the truth is that I was doing a challenge by peeing on one leg.
Me: Do that in the bathtub next time.
Kid: How does a dada give the sperm to a mama.
Me: Sex.
Kid: But how?
Husband: Sex.
Kid: But how?
Husband: Let's talk about sex, Baby
Me: Let's talk about you and me
Us: Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that could be
Grandpa: *points at wet spot on side of house and a fresher wet spot under tree* I think we have an animal.
Me: I know which animal made that. *puts hand on child’s head*
Grandma: That’s actually a great way to repel animals.
Kid: [Girl], Let’s make babies!
[Girl]: When?
Kid: When we’re grown-ups.
[Girl]: OK
Kid: I want to be the dada, and [Boy] can be the grandpa.
I look in the backyard, see kid peeing in wheelbarrow, standing on tiptoes so he can reach it. He’s simultaneously filling the wheelbarrow with the hose. I pretend I didn’t see.
I heard that if a boy gives a gur-roll seven hearts on a bracelet, she will make babies with you.
Kid: How do they make Pikachu talk? Please give me a video about Pikachu.
Me: OK *Shares to YouTube Kids profile
Want free plastic bags? Send your child to school with fidgets, and the teacher will give you free plastic bags!
Want free plastic bags? Send your child to school with fidgets, and the teacher will give you free plastic bags!
Now I know that my 5-year-old can fit through the neck hole in my dress while I’m wearing it.
Parrents of the hub, share me your parrenting experience, i am being new to this father thing. What did you do that was bad and good at ?
I am good at night shift so i can change my girl diaper easily while my wife sleep, i am bad at teaching.
One of my kid’s best friends just sneezed out two huge ropes of yellow snot dripping past his chin. I don’t wanna get sick again
Me: Pick that balloon up. It could hurt the robot vacuum.
Kid, spinning around and around with hands on office chair and feet running on floor: I’m sorry, I just got sucked into this whirlpool!
Me: Oh, dear! I hope you get out of it in time.
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💬 49 🔁 7523 ❤️ 14103 · i've been watching the japanese dub of yugioh dm for the first time and it's somehow even gayer than the 4kids dub. the dialogue here has been only slightly altered for com…
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The child threw a remote control at my face and it hit HARD right below my eye. Now the child will have no TV for a week. God help me.
Me: I’ve got a couple of things to do on my phone, and you’ve got a couple of things to do on your tablet.
Child: I don’t. I was going to do those things tomorrow.
Child: I’m mopping the whole floor, muahhaha! So nobody can walk on it, muahhaha! . . . Now nobody can go to the bathroom!
There was snot crusted on my face when I was dropping the kid off at school, and I don’t even know if it was mine or his. -
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