Need helpful Criticism ❤️

I already give a feedback so i cannot.

But guys, please give this one a read. The premise and the setting is really good.

cc @Eldoria

Bimbanana said:

I already give a feedback so i cannot.

But guys, please give this one a read. The premise and the setting is really good.

cc @Eldoria

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Sorry, dude. I'll pass on this fiction. Besides, she already got the detailed constructive feedback from him @MFontana

I'm... intimidated isn't the right word here.
its just the closest I can get to what I want.
So, with that reservation that its inadequate of a vocabulary word...
I'm "intimidated" to provide any sort of critique of The Oracle's work.

@Eldoria makes me feel like there's far too much to know and consider.
I once read someone's couple chapters, thought most of it was okay.
Was it Melville mated with Dostoyevsky, no, but what the hell is.
I did, however, pull the pin on a summoning glyph and tossed it out...
and The Oracle (Eldoria) appeared.

had to have been 1,000 words of narrative calculus as I call it...
the sweetest gentlest language imaginable, but...
she eviscerated the text. They hadn't done a thing right, I guess.

I didn't pick up on ten percent of all the many shortcomings and failings.
I felt like a graduate student wrote a paper on what was wrong with a freshman's position in a white paper.
I guess I grew up reading *crap* for paperbacks, in many cases.

then who am I to tell the Calculus teacher, what's wrong with her text.
Experience has taught me that when I hear that level of terminology, definitions, language and articulation?
You back off, shut the f*ck up, and nod your head and smile, and listen to what sounds like the voice of experience and education.

I would need *asked* to provide the best metaphor I could, for what I feel. (Eldoria's text)
Because I feel it, I don't have a formal definition to back me up on anything I would say.
Also, I grew up molded by vintage paperbacks. The style(s) that existed for all those years...
that we recently abandoned.
Who am I to provide critique on anything "web novel" when I view the entire world of it thru the lens of vintage paperbacks.

I'm not entirely convinced that the big change, was for the best.
Those who wish can make fun of my "vintage sensibilities" all you want.
I don't care.

How is someone 7/20 black? how do we reach this fraction?


this is not my cup of tea so i skimmed through the first 3 chapters. the writing quality is good but the writing itself is lacking. it lacks substance. the chapters i read suffer from a case of telling and not showing. you're telling me whats in the scene not letting me see it.


a few examples

this paragraph is a curt introduction about the mc and her situation. Instead of narrating what happened you could have let me experience it.

i get it's supposed to quick and short but it could have went something like this.

mc is standing outside the school. she's holding a cigarette with one hand and the flowers in the other. she throws it in the trash (you'd take this moment to describe the scar not sure which hand though) then you'd explain the flowrrs and chuck. This way i would have experienced the whole thing from the MC's POV. you're showing

Today was going splendid...until Chuck, one of her old suitors came by with flowers and a speech. He left her workplace 10 minutes ago and the whole interaction made her relapse. The flowers were tossed in the trash as Sage stood outside the Middle school. She had tan skin, long blonde hair, blue eyes, and there was a jagged scar on the inside of her hand. As for her outfit, it was a simple black skirt, white blouse, high heels, and a diamond bracelet.

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same thing here. have her hold a mirror or something and let the mc describe herself. adds a lot of character

This was Eli's second milkshake as she yawned. She had brown skin, dark eyes, curly black hair, dimples, and gold stud earrings. While her little brother had darker skin, light brown eyes, black locs, dimples, and prescription glasses. Both were dressed in proper outfits to blend-in with upstate society.

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ironically, i dont think any of these descriptjons are worth it. they add nothing to the scene quite honestly. their outfits have no effect on the story or narrstive so why are they being mentioned/described? it feels like clutter.

Joss had on a graphic-t with Nature Queen in bold psychedelic letters, bell-bottom jeans, an intricate chrome ring with a gemstone in the middle, Puma Clyde sneakers, and a rucksack. Across from her Eli had on a Astro Boy graphic-t, corduroy shorts, Nike Cortez sneakers, and a rucksack.

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this also touches upon something else. reading the few chapters i did, i was compeltly overwhelmed by names. first chapter had like 5 characters, second has 10 more, third has more info dumps. way to much. every detail added should matter in some way.

greyblob said:

How is someone 7/20 black? how do we reach this fraction?


this is not my cup of tea so i skimmed through the first 3 chapters. the writing quality is good but the writing itself is lacking. it lacks substance. the chapters i read suffer from a case of telling and not showing. you're telling me whats in the scene not letting me see it.


a few examples

this paragraph is a curt introduction about the mc and her situation. Instead of narrating what happened you could have let me experience it.

i get it's supposed to quick and short but it could have went something like this.

mc is standing outside the school. she's holding a cigarette with one hand and the flowers in the other. she throws it in the trash (you'd take this moment to describe the scar not sure which hand though) then you'd explain the flowrrs and chuck. This way i would have experienced the whole thing from the MC's POV. you're showing


same thing here. have her hold a mirror or something and let the mc describe herself. adds a lot of character


ironically, i dont think any of these descriptjons are worth it. they add nothing to the scene quite honestly. their outfits have no effect on the story or narrstive so why are they being mentioned/described? it feels like clutter.


this also touches upon something else. reading the few chapters i did, i was compeltly overwhelmed by names. first chapter had like 5 characters, second has 10 more, third has more info dumps. way to much. every detail added should matter in some way.

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Seems like we have a veteran reader, here!

Everything you said was insightful. And it's possible for someone to be half or a quarter black, just look at Hailee Steinfeld or Zendaya

greyblob said:

How is someone 7/20 black? how do we reach this fraction?

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The same way how I am 7/20 Ashkenaz.

Cookiez_N_Potionz said:

Seems like we have a veteran reader, here!

Everything you said was insightful. And it's possible for someone to be half or a quarter black, just look at Hailee Steinfeld or Zendaya

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its just the 7/20. very odd fraction lol

Erysion said:

The same way how I am 7/20 Ashkenaz.

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Inject my blood into your veins and you can be 17/20 Ashkenaz.

greyblob said:

its just the 7/20. very odd fraction lol

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It look odd because we are used to something/5 for ratings. 7/20 would be 1.75/5.

Erysion said:

The same way how I am 7/20 Ashkenaz.

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7/20 jew 13/20 hobogoblin

Rosica said:

Inject my blood into your veins and you can be 17/20 Ashkenaz.


It look odd because we are used to something/5 for ratings. 7/20 would be 1.75/5.

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no its weird because you have 2 parents and 2 grandparents and this has to be a fraction of 2. 1/2 1/4 etc

or maybe this was patched i dunno

greyblob said:

no its weird because you have 2 parents and 2 grandparents and this has to be a fraction of 2. 1/2 1/4 etc

or maybe this was patched i dunno

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You can have 2 parents, but you can have more than one sperm donor. Collect semen from different men with various talents and alchemix it inside the womb.

The result is an uberman.

greyblob said:

its just the 7/20. very odd fraction lol

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I don't understand that either.
Why is it 7 out of 20?
Are they number 7 out of 20 sperm that won for that specific ethnic background?

"Yeah, I'm 4/20 white."

Normally it's quarters, halves, one fourths, etc. Or at the very least, a test will calculate something like 69% european
Like, rounded up, I'm 1/2 canadian, 1/4th irish.
I forget the last 4th, probably something that contributed to my insanity.

That's just because having 7/20 is convenient for some people to represent better accuracy than using /10.
Just another way of saying 35%

Not popular? yes. But not wrong either.

But i do wonder if using /20 comes from the habit of using 20/20 vision tho

Bimbanana said:

That's just because having 7/20 is convenient for some people to represent better accuracy than using /10.
Just another way of saying 35%

Not popular? yes. But not wrong either.

But i do wonder if using /20 comes from the habit of using 20/20 vision tho

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It comes from the habit of rolling a natural 20 in DnD.

Louhi said:

It comes from the habit of rolling a natural 20 in DnD.

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Grandpap was one of those tall big boned French guys, not one of those little french painter types, lol
Grandma was all german. Tough old bird.
Makes my dad half german/half french.
mom was irish as the day is long.

soon the surface of all things, I'm half irish. quarter german quarter french.

Plot twist!

I'm adopted. But from within the immediate family. See, this is where it gets complicated.

what I *call* my mom, is my real dad's sister....
my dad and mom died when I was not a year old.
so... my real dad's sister and her husband took me in, raised me like their own.
which makes my real dad... as irish as the day is long.
But the woman he had me with, well... that's up in the air now isn't it.

so... I'm still half irish.
there was some argument as to exactly what that other half was or was not.
apparently no one knew a whole lot about the woman he had me with.

so... i'm half irish, half bat-shit crazy.

but according to this thread, the big question now is...
am I 7/20 irish?
or am I 7/20 bat-shit.

the jury, is still out on that one.

Should I just say 35% black?
Is that fraction really odd?

Cookiez_N_Potionz said:

Should I just say 35% black?
Is that fraction really odd?

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I approach most things mathematically.
I'll use my two older brothers, what I call my parents real kids, as examples.
half irish, quarter german, quarter french.
that's 50, 25, 25 (percent)

35% anything ???
perhaps you could demonstrate how one becomes 35% of anything.
I'm curious how to go about demonstrating that genealogical flowchart,
if only as a purely mathematical exercise.

on the other hand, SAYING that you are 35% "anything",
just to snicker that no one says a word,
I find that hilarious.