Need helpful Criticism ❤️

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Hacking The System: KINGDOM OF STONE [LitRPG]

'Freedom. Peace. Hope.' It's 1979 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout the world. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the Government. 23...

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[Bimbanana]

I already give a feedback so i cannot.

But guys, please give this one a read. The premise and the setting is really good.

cc @Eldoria

 

[Eldoria]

I already give a feedback so i cannot.

But guys, please give this one a read. The premise and the setting is really good.

cc @Eldoria

Sorry, dude. I'll pass on this fiction. Besides, she already got the detailed constructive feedback from him @MFontana

 

[TinaMigarlo]

I'm... intimidated isn't the right word here.
its just the closest I can get to what I want.
So, with that reservation that its inadequate of a vocabulary word...
I'm "intimidated" to provide any sort of critique of The Oracle's work.

@Eldoria makes me feel like there's far too much to know and consider.
I once read someone's couple chapters, thought most of it was okay.
Was it Melville mated with Dostoyevsky, no, but what the hell is.
I did, however, pull the pin on a summoning glyph and tossed it out...
and The Oracle (Eldoria) appeared.

had to have been 1,000 words of narrative calculus as I call it...
the sweetest gentlest language imaginable, but...
she eviscerated the text. They hadn't done a thing right, I guess.

I didn't pick up on ten percent of all the many shortcomings and failings.
I felt like a graduate student wrote a paper on what was wrong with a freshman's position in a white paper.
I guess I grew up reading *crap* for paperbacks, in many cases.

then who am I to tell the Calculus teacher, what's wrong with her text.
Experience has taught me that when I hear that level of terminology, definitions, language and articulation?
You back off, shut the f*ck up, and nod your head and smile, and listen to what sounds like the voice of experience and education.

I would need *asked* to provide the best metaphor I could, for what I feel. (Eldoria's text)
Because I feel it, I don't have a formal definition to back me up on anything I would say.
Also, I grew up molded by vintage paperbacks. The style(s) that existed for all those years...
that we recently abandoned.
Who am I to provide critique on anything "web novel" when I view the entire world of it thru the lens of vintage paperbacks.

I'm not entirely convinced that the big change, was for the best.
Those who wish can make fun of my "vintage sensibilities" all you want.
I don't care.

 

[greyblob]

How is someone 7/20 black? how do we reach this fraction?


this is not my cup of tea so i skimmed through the first 3 chapters. the writing quality is good but the writing itself is lacking. it lacks substance. the chapters i read suffer from a case of telling and not showing. you're telling me whats in the scene not letting me see it.


a few examples

this paragraph is a curt introduction about the mc and her situation. Instead of narrating what happened you could have let me experience it.

i get it's supposed to quick and short but it could have went something like this.

mc is standing outside the school. she's holding a cigarette with one hand and the flowers in the other. she throws it in the trash (you'd take this moment to describe the scar not sure which hand though) then you'd explain the flowrrs and chuck. This way i would have experienced the whole thing from the MC's POV. you're showing

Today was going splendid...until Chuck, one of her old suitors came by with flowers and a speech. He left her workplace 10 minutes ago and the whole interaction made her relapse. The flowers were tossed in the trash as Sage stood outside the Middle school. She had tan skin, long blonde hair, blue eyes, and there was a jagged scar on the inside of her hand. As for her outfit, it was a simple black skirt, white blouse, high heels, and a diamond bracelet.

same thing here. have her hold a mirror or something and let the mc describe herself. adds a lot of character

This was Eli's second milkshake as she yawned. She had brown skin, dark eyes, curly black hair, dimples, and gold stud earrings. While her little brother had darker skin, light brown eyes, black locs, dimples, and prescription glasses. Both were dressed in proper outfits to blend-in with upstate society.

ironically, i dont think any of these descriptjons are worth it. they add nothing to the scene quite honestly. their outfits have no effect on the story or narrstive so why are they being mentioned/described? it feels like clutter.

Joss had on a graphic-t with Nature Queen in bold psychedelic letters, bell-bottom jeans, an intricate chrome ring with a gemstone in the middle, Puma Clyde sneakers, and a rucksack. Across from her Eli had on a Astro Boy graphic-t, corduroy shorts, Nike Cortez sneakers, and a rucksack.

this also touches upon something else. reading the few chapters i did, i was compeltly overwhelmed by names. first chapter had like 5 characters, second has 10 more, third has more info dumps. way to much. every detail added should matter in some way.