After reading 2.5 chapters, I’ll be honest, dude. Your chapters have big ambition, but the execution still has weaknesses in narrative structure. Well, let’s talk about the
strengths of your narrative:
I cracked one eye open to glare at the clock. The digits flipped from 5:59 to 6:00.
Seraphim. Glorified alarm clocks whose only real talent is aggressive bootlicking.
I stretched my arms wide, spine popping in protest, then dragged myself out of bed. Barefoot, I walked over and shoved the sliding glass window open. The salty sea breeze slapped my face, carrying the raw scent of fish and ship engine oil from the docks below. Dawn had finally broken. The orange-pink sunlight stretched across the rippling water like a billion scattered shards of glass.
First, your chapters are quite
immersive. The narrative uses fairly rich sensory details, making it easier for readers to enter the world of the story. I liked how you described the beach atmosphere at the beginning of chapter 1.
Second, your narrative also provides good
foreshadowing at the start of chapter 1. Opening the scene with the appearance of a mysterious entity suggests that this is not just an ordinary school story. I don’t know where that mystery is going, but it’s a good hook to spark readers’ curiosity from the very beginning.
Now, let’s talk about the
weaknesses of your narrative:
First, your narrative has issues with
POV transition:
The tiny rented apartment sat precariously on the hillside, overlooking the harbor. Outside, the world was still drowning in the pre-dawn gloom. On the nightstand, the digital clock blinked: 5:59.
A drawn-out ship's horn groaned in the distance. The sound bled through the soundproof glass, sending a faint ripple across the water in my bedside cup. The morning air was dead still, crisp, and frigid—classic Kyūshū coast.
Then, the pristine plaster ceiling ripped open.
No debris, no dust. Just a jagged spatial fissure, black as spilled ink on a blank canvas. From that bottomless void, an entity descended.
It was a pure geometric form of thermal violence. A blinding white flame, swirling into an inverted cone like the exhaust plume of a supersonic jet. No eyes. No mouth. Absolutely devoid of humanity.
As it hovered above the wooden floor, a sterilizing aura pulsed outward. Every stray mosquito, dust mite, and airborne mold spore in the room was instantly vaporized into subatomic nothingness. Total biological incineration. Yet, bizarrely, the room temperature didn't spike a single degree. The morning chill remained entirely intact, wrapping itself around that absolute destruction.
The entity trembled, forcing the air particles into a violent vibration to produce a sound:
「QADOSH!」
「QADOSH!」
「QADOSH!」
That sacred roar shattered the silence, piercing the eardrums of the girl curled up beneath the duvet, violently dragging Amano Mari out of her dream.
「Tetsu? Oh, wait... right, the alarm.」
The flame roared again. 「Adonai Tzva'ot, m'lo khol ha'aretz k'vodo!」
「Alright, alright, I'm up.」 My voice was heavy with sleep. With my eyes still glued shut, I lazily slipped my left hand out from under the blanket and flicked my wrist at the ceiling.
At the beginning of Chapter 1, when the mysterious entity appears, the POV uses objective third POV. Then it switches to first POV when the character wakes up. You need to provide a scene break to separate these two scenes so the POV feels more disciplined.
Excited murmurs instantly broke out. Beside me, Riku was already pulling up Google Maps on his glasses, his fingers dancing in the air like a concert pianist. Mari cupped her chin, her eyes sparkling with anticipation.
But Akari-sensei's smile vanished. She held up a single finger. 「Bad news: The destination is...」
The class held its breath.
「...Kyōto.」
It was as if all the oxygen had been vacuumed out of the room.
In addition, in chapter 2, I noticed that the first POV tends to shift into an omniscient third POV when the teacher makes an announcement, where the narrator suddenly describes the classroom objectively like an outside observer. Even though the narrator is sitting in one of the seats in the classroom. It’s not realistic for MC to observe the entire class holding their breath when he is waiting for the teacher’s announcement.
Remember, in first POV, the narration is subjective, you can only describe what MC observes. You can't describe the classroom objectively when MC is focused on the teacher. You need to be more disciplined in your implementation of POV.
Second, your characters are hard to distinguish. I don’t mind you using multiple POVs. But you need to understand... multiple POV is good, but difficult to implement consistently. The biggest challenge is giving each POV an
authentic voice. If you have three characters, you need to create three unique voices that represent three individuals, complete with identity, background, and personality.
An introvert’s voice is different from an extrovert’s. A girl’s voice is different from a boy’s. A student’s voice is different from a teacher’s. Can you design authentic voices that match your characterizations?
Honestly, I find it hard to distinguish your characters’ voices. You do switch POVs with labels like “this is Mari’s POV,” “this is Tetsuya’s POV,” etc, but their voices feel similar. If I removed the name labels, I would assume they are the same person.
The problem is, your narrative doesn’t give enough room for character introduction. You need to understand... in first POV, the reader’s perception aligns with the narrator’s characterization. When you switch POVs in the next chapter, readers need to reset their perception of the character. As a result, readers may lose focus and become confused. If you want to maintain first POV, you need to give more space for character introduction.
But before that, you need to think about your character design. You need to design each character in detail, including personality, identity, background, and speaking style. Then implement that design into the POV.
Assuming you’re using first POV, I estimate you would need at least ~5 chapters at your current pace just to build up proper introductions for each character. It’s complex and requires high discipline in handling character POV.
Third, the
dialogue in the chapters I read tends to be
expository... dialogue that explains plot, character, and worldbuilding.
Tetsu didn't even try to dodge my pinch. His hands stayed buried in his pockets, his tone flat. 「Ah, yes. Art. The kind of art that makes your boyfriend question his eyesight first thing in the morning. Truly a masterpiece. Are we going to school now, or are you planning to stand here and summon a Cherub to bodyguard your fragile ego?」
Well, maybe it’s too early to conclude that. But the way you write long dialogues with detailed explanations doesn’t feel natural. It feels more like the author explaining the story rather than organic conversations between characters.
Fourth, you mentioned that your fiction is
philosophical?
Toothbrush time. It's Friday. I can already bet my life Yuria is going to hit me with her favorite existential roast today: "Hey Mari, according to Pantheism… if the entire universe is you, does that mean you're just autistic on a cosmic scale?" I am so done with her.
Unfortunately, the way the philosophy is delivered still feels
pretentious. I came across a joke about pantheism, but the delivery was still too abstract. Your joke can only be understood by people who have at least studied philosophy, and it’s not friendly to general readers.
The problem is, most web novel readers are casual readers. Very few of them truly understand philosophy. If you throw in philosophical jokes, casual readers will just scratch their heads instead of smiling. You need to ground philosophical ideas in your narrative. That’s not easy: how do you simplify abstract philosophy into something concrete in the story without confusing readers?
You don’t just need to understand philosophy, you also need the skill to communicate it to a general audience. Try reading "
Sophie’s World". It’s a masterpiece of philosophical storytelling.
Finally, I think you have a fairly original idea, packaging philosophy into a story. If you can execute it well, your fiction could become a “Sophie’s World” version of the high school sol genre. But to get there, you still have a
mountain to climb.
Well, that’s my feedback.
Regards.
