Could you please tell why this story sucks?

[Rookieqw]

Good day to you all. I hope you are doing great. My current story (https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2259089/born-to-be-a-monster-decided-to-be-a-human/) isn't doing so well. I haven't received any comments (, so I don't know what the matter is. Could anyone check it out and tell me why it's bad? Maybe my grammar is poor; perhaps the pacing is to blame, or the dialogue is too dull. Maybe the characters aren't interesting, or the action is bloated. Or perhaps I overdescribe events — or don't describe them enough.

Any insight would be appreciated. Don't worry about being blunt. My goal is to improve as an author and eventually produce something worthy for people to read.

 

[Bimbanana]

1. Your poster and title not engaging.
2. Your synopsis also bad. Like okay.... what the heck is malformed? what the heck is elite of iterna? Wait, conquer of his bloodlust? Does this Draa a vampire or what? (See, too confusing yet not making me hooked)
3. Sorry at this point i wont bother to press read. You need to take care of your novel first impression better.

 

[CountVanBadger]

I can tell you that no matter how good your story is, your synopses doesn't leave a good first impression. The first paragraph tells us virtually nothing while name dropping a bunch of fantasy-ish words and names we have no point of reference for.

The second paragraph tells us very little as well. What is he saving people from? Is it the massace you mentioned in the first paragraph? Who is doing the massacring and why does he care if he's a monster?

Third paragraph, I'm assuming Drax is the MC's new name, but you don't make that clear. Also, "slashing" things is for business memos. You're writing a book. Use your words.

 

[Rookieqw]

1. Your poster and title not engaging.
2. Your synopsis also bad. Like okay.... what the heck is malformed? what the heck is elite of iterna? Wait, conquer of his bloodlust? Does this Draa a vampire or what? (See, too confusing yet not making me hooked)
3. Sorry at this point i wont bother to press read. You need to take care of your novel first impression better.

I can tell you that no matter how good your story is, your synopses doesn't leave a good first impression. The first paragraph tells us virtually nothing while name dropping a bunch of fantasy-ish words and names we have no point of reference for.

The second paragraph tells us very little as well. What is he saving people from? Is it the massace you mentioned in the first paragraph? Who is doing the massacring and why does he care if he's a monster?

Third paragraph, I'm assuming Drax is the MC's new name, but you don't make that clear. Also, "slashing" things is for business memos. You're writing a book. Use your words.

Thank you. This is a huge flaw in my writing. While I can't do much about the poster, I'll try to improve synopses to the best of my ability.

 

[Eldoria]

Thank you. This is a huge flaw in my writing. While I can't do much about the poster, I'll try to improve synopses to the best of my ability.

You can use the following synopsis formula (typically used in commercial novels):

Relatable character identity (to the reader) + Main conflict + stakes + threat/challenge.

I've explained this formula too many times. The point is to transform your synopsis from a plot summary into the emotional experience promised in your story.

This way, your synopsis will serve as a hook to make the reader feel compelled to care about your story.

 

[OokamiOkuri]

Thank you. This is a huge flaw in my writing. While I can't do much about the poster, I'll try to improve synopses to the best of my ability.

Synopsis should make potential readers curious about the story enough to click. At least make them care about the MC.

 

[Makimaam]

I have reviewed your work before, and I saw you made some positive changes, but there is still a lot of room for improvement.

First things first, you seem to worry too much about your prose, grammar, etc. but that’s not even the problem here. You’re technically competence. The problem is how you sell your story and how you hook the readers, be it with the characters or the premise.

The synopsis is vague. This is the first thing readers care about, aside from tags/genre. What makes Draa’s journey different from any other protagonist’s? What about him? What about the world? Is there anything that stands out amongst other WNs? Sell it.

First chapter

This is a much stronger first chapter than what you had previously shared. You didn’t dump lore but you did dump action. It is long, with dense paragraphs overloaded with sensory and adjectives while Draa, your MC, is being buried under it. You can’t expect readers to invest in a long action sequence when they don’t even care about the MC yet.

Checking the tag, he’s an honest protagonist, basically a good guy, so sell it harder. Sell his voice too. The overly dense action sequence actually distracts from moments that show Draa’s personality. Frankly speaking, you write too much action and too little characterization. Trim the dense action, highlight Draa’s personality so readers can connect with him more and make the ending scene hook stronger.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

poster

It's called a "Cover". Don't teach him wrong, he's already copying you. Bad, Bimbanana.
What "Poster"? Fucking hell.

 

[Bimbanana]

It's called a "Cover". Don't teach him wrong, he's already copying you. Bad, Bimbanana.
What "Poster"? Fucking hell.

Gasp! Sorry!
Old habit!
Yes, it should be "cover"!

 

[DarkCosmos]

Good day to you all. I hope you are doing great. My current story (https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2259089/born-to-be-a-monster-decided-to-be-a-human/) isn't doing so well. I haven't received any comments (, so I don't know what the matter is. Could anyone check it out and tell me why it's bad? Maybe my grammar is poor; perhaps the pacing is to blame, or the dialogue is too dull. Maybe the characters aren't interesting, or the action is bloated. Or perhaps I overdescribe events — or don't describe them enough.

Any insight would be appreciated. Don't worry about being blunt. My goal is to improve as an author and eventually produce something worthy for people to read.

I read your first chapter fully, and I don’t think your writing is bad at all. In fact, your descriptions and sensory details are quite strong and vivid.

However, I had trouble clearly visualizing what was happening. It often felt like I was getting flashes of detailed imagery without a stable scene to anchor them. Because of that, the action became confusing and a bit overwhelming to follow.

I think the main issue isn’t grammar or ideas... it’s clarity. There’s a lot happening very quickly, and the reader isn’t given enough grounding (like spatial layout, positioning, or a simple frame of reference) before the action begins.

For example, while reading I found myself asking:
a. Where exactly is Draa?
b. Is he inside or outside? In a tunnel or out in the open desert?
c. Where are the enemies in relation to him?
d. Where are his allies during the fight?

Because these basics aren’t clearly established, it becomes difficult to track the action.

Another challenge is the visual load. The story introduces several unfamiliar elements all at once:
a. Draa (not fully human)
b. the drones (insectoid, but unclear size/shape)
c. the feeder (hard to picture)
d. Eshtu (complex body structure with legs, pincers, and stinger)

Individually these are interesting, but together they become hard to process without clearer, simpler introduction.

One suggestion I’d recommend is restructuring the opening a bit. You could consider splitting this into two chapters:
a. Use the current opening as a hook (it already has strong atmosphere)
b. Then slow down and establish the setting, characters, and physical layout more clearly before diving deeper into action

Since this is a post-apocalyptic setting (not something familiar like urban fantasy), readers need a bit more grounding early on to build a mental picture of the world.

Overall, the core ideas and writing quality are good... the main thing holding it back right now is readability and clarity. If that improves, your strengths will stand out much more.

Edit:

Lastly, I don’t think you need to worry too much about performance right now. Considering how recently you started posting, your current numbers don’t seem unusual. Early growth is usually slow, especially for original stories, so I wouldn’t take the lack of comments as a sign that your story is bad.

The title is clear and works fine. The cover might not be helping much in attracting attention, but that’s something you can always improve later.

 

[Eldoria]

I read your first chapter fully, and I don’t think your writing is bad at all. In fact, your descriptions and sensory details are quite strong and vivid.

However, I had trouble clearly visualizing what was happening. It often felt like I was getting flashes of detailed imagery without a stable scene to anchor them. Because of that, the action became confusing and a bit overwhelming to follow.

I think the main issue isn’t grammar or ideas... it’s clarity. There’s a lot happening very quickly, and the reader isn’t given enough grounding (like spatial layout, positioning, or a simple frame of reference) before the action begins.

For example, while reading I found myself asking:
a. Where exactly is Draa?
b. Is he inside or outside? In a tunnel or out in the open desert?
c. Where are the enemies in relation to him?
d. Where are his allies during the fight?

Because these basics aren’t clearly established, it becomes difficult to track the action.

Another challenge is the visual load. The story introduces several unfamiliar elements all at once:
a. Draa (not fully human)
b. the drones (insectoid, but unclear size/shape)
c. the feeder (hard to picture)
d. Eshtu (complex body structure with legs, pincers, and stinger)

Individually these are interesting, but together they become hard to process without clearer, simpler introduction.

One suggestion I’d recommend is restructuring the opening a bit. You could consider splitting this into two chapters:
a. Use the current opening as a hook (it already has strong atmosphere)
b. Then slow down and establish the setting, characters, and physical layout more clearly before diving deeper into action

Since this is a post-apocalyptic setting (not something familiar like urban fantasy), readers need a bit more grounding early on to build a mental picture of the world.

Overall, the core ideas and writing quality are good... the main thing holding it back right now is readability and clarity. If that improves, your strengths will stand out much more.

Edit:

Lastly, I don’t think you need to worry too much about performance right now. Considering how recently you started posting, your current numbers don’t seem unusual. Early growth is usually slow, especially for original stories, so I wouldn’t take the lack of comments as a sign that your story is bad.

The title is clear and works fine. The cover might not be helping much in attracting attention, but that’s something you can always improve later.

I've read OP's chapters and provided some feedback. I'm pretty sure this feedback is accurate and constructive. If OP could follow this advice, your writing would be more powerful.