Wondering if my Story Description (Hook) is weak or strong...

[Lysander_Works]

Got a new story soon to launch, but I skipped the synopsis all the way to now, and now I really don't know how it's supposed to feel.

I'm just gonna post it here, and yall tell me how good or bad it is. If it's bad, let's burn it up until the smoldering ashes make something better.

---

Video games; they're my favorite way to lose myself from the dull boring life whirled around me. Us true connoisseurs of fantasy RPGs and anime have all had that dream once, a dream of being reincarnated into another world. But, I never thought it would actually happen to me, and I wasn't ready for the grief I was falling into.

What people too often forget is, leaving your entire home and family behind isn't possible to ignore. Wherever I ended up doesn't seem like an easy place to live either, despite the existence of magic and monster. I don't want to rise the ranks and be a hero. I don't care how my words could twist the fate of this world. All I want to know, is how I'm supposed to get back. I don't care how I do it. I don't care how hard I have to grind and level up; I will find my way back to my family, back to my sister, who I know is worried sick about me.

 

[SouthernMaiden]

Got a new story soon to launch, but I skipped the synopsis all the way to now, and now I really don't know how it's supposed to feel.

I'm just gonna post it here, and yall tell me how good or bad it is. If it's bad, let's burn it up until the smoldering ashes make something better.

---

Video games; they're my favorite way to lose myself from the dull boring life whirled around me. Us true connoisseurs of fantasy RPGs and anime have all had that dream once, a dream of being reincarnated into another world. But, I never thought it would actually happen to me, and I wasn't ready for the grief I was falling into.

What people too often forget is, leaving your entire home and family behind isn't possible to ignore. Wherever I ended up doesn't seem like an easy place to live either, despite the existence of magic and monster. I don't want to rise the ranks and be a hero. I don't care how my words could twist the fate of this world. All I want to know, is how I'm supposed to get back. I don't care how I do it. I don't care how hard I have to grind and level up; I will find my way back to my family, back to my sister, who I know is worried sick about me.

I would suggest, shorten it. Make it a bit punchier. Possibly split it into three paragraphs.

Also, first sentence seems weak. Hit me with a strong hook early on.

 

[Puffikki]

Slightly conflicting tonezees here, shifting from a casual sounding opening and playful, to heavier, desperate even. It makes me wonder if this is meant to be more introspective and emotional? Or a bit self aware with dark undertones?

Def-eez could some tightening, I agree with the person above, it's coming across a tad wordy and generic. Maybe lean more into the emotion: what does he feel about his sister? Guilt? Fear? Could make a decent emotional hook.

 

[Bimbanana]

The clarity is good.
The hooks? not so much.

Like the posts before me said, need more punchier.
Similar premises like others? yes, but you can still make it more stand out

 

[Lysander_Works]

I'm gonna take a second crack it it here before nodding off to bed.

---

Waking to a world unfamiliar, in a world far too different from my own, I already feel so hopeless. My memories are scattered, but I don't need them all to know that I've been Isekaied somewhere else, somewhere far out of reach of Tove.

I don't want to be this world's hero. I don't care about levels and guilds. All that matters to now, is getting back home to the people who probably think I'm dead. Maybe I have died and gone to hell, penance for spending my life as a gaming and anime hermit...

But my sister deserves better. Tove deserves to be free from her grief and her worry. I may not remember how I got trapped in this crazy place of monsters and magic, but I promise, I'm going to find a way back home.

 

[Makimaam]

I wouldn’t say doing everything you can to get back to your sister is a strong hook, or a hook at all. It does, however, establish your character as someone with strong familial ties and a capacity for deep care, which is a likeable trait.

It is a good foundation. But I want to see more hints of this specific world you are writing about and where your protagonist stands within it to fully call that a hook. Some of the phrasing is clunky in places, albeit earnest.

Keep cooking.

 

[eagle_360]

What people too often forget is, leaving your entire home and family behind isn't possible to ignore. Wherever I ended up doesn't seem like an easy place to live either, despite the existence of magic and monster. I don't want to rise the ranks and be a hero. I don't care how my words could twist the fate of this world. All I want to know, is how I'm supposed to get back. I don't care how I do it. I don't care how hard I have to grind and level up; I will find my way back to my family, back to my sister, who I know is worried sick about me.

As the reader. I would want to clarify if this would be the usual action/adventure fantasy. Because if I'm reading this blurb, I'm getting more vibes of a psychological emotional piece.