Want feedbacks from an amateur?

[Yuin]

Dunno if your still doing this cuz I’m lwk 2 months late but here’s my story if you are :)

A New Life

[TW: Mentions of suicide] Amara ended her life, broken by the weight of trauma she was never meant to carry. But instead of peace, she wakes up in a new world—reborn as a baby named Aerea in a medieval omegaverse society. For a while, things seem calm. Her new...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi, it’s your turn yay!

- Before you read this, here’s something to consider: If you’re going to say English is your first language, this isn’t giving that. Please reflect on your work, and I genuinely suggest either hiring an editor or using AI tools to fix the grammar before publishing.
-Okay I’ll push this up and say that the later chapters seemed to be edited. Although chapter 2 has noticeable shift of tenses, chapter 3 is mostly one liners, simple and dialogues driven, then suddenly the most recent chapter, the language is so bombastic like an actual novel.
- I know this is a typical omegaverse. I read a lot of it and guessing from the comments I know the general plot but I’m mentally tired to read word for word without being interrupted by the format of the language. Apparently, the recent chapter was the most readable.

- The synopsis is interesting. I have to double check and realised it is a GL novel. I suppose her trauma with adult men has supported this turn of events so I guess the storyline is solid. (As in there is a reason for everything right)
- [With this visit, her older brothers, and her are after a month taken to the capital. Where they now reside.] Awkward phrasing! I would suggest rephrasing it as “After that visit a month ago, she and her brothers were taken to the capital, where they now reside.”
- [as my as my family would put it.] Typo!
- [So.], [Boy.] Replace them with comma
- MR BROWN IS A CHILD MOLESTER?
- Crazy work
- [it hurt] correct it to “it hurts”
- [Aside from kisses, touches, and grabs he never took our relationship past that.] Maybe rephrasing it to “ Aside from kissing, touching, and groping, he never took our relationship past that.”
- [I did every once in a while worry. What if…] Awkward phrasing, “I did every once in a while, worrying what if..”
- [once in awhile to it was normal] repeated phrase and also it’s “so” not “to”
- [Not my birthday] Missing preposition “Not on my birthday”
- [How my parents reacted?] Change to “How did my parents react?”
- [My parents after I got hospitalized told family members, including my brothers, that I'd gotten into a car accident.] Phrasing issue again. “After I was hospitalised, my parents told the rest of the family, including my brothers, that I’d been in a car accident.“
.” Family members include her brothers too
- [ a shaken passerby said] If his dialogue is in all CAPS, then it would be reasonable to replace “said” to “shouted, exclaimed, screamed”
- Okay, since the language is in shambles, I’ll ignore the mistakes and continue the story
- Btw, why is the text grey in chapter 1
- [I felt something lift me up and as I tried to focus my eyes finally I made out what to be a man?] Someone pls end me. You don’t anyhow add question mark to sentences that are phrased in a way that end with a full stop!!! You can rephrase it to “I felt something left me up, and as I tried to focus my eyes, I thought I saw.. a man?” Or you can totally ditch the question mark and write it as “I felt something lift me up, and as I tried to focus my eyes, I finally made out what seemed to be a man.” And also, punctuation!!
- The FIRST LINE already triggered me [I felt my body return to me as I heard screaming?] Why…why add a question mark. I know you’re trying to show the confusion of the MC but the PHRASING and TONE don’t match
- [I started moving around but all I felt was my hands moving around and what I think are my legs to be kicking?] Please read this aloud. I can’t anymore. AND ALSO TENSES
- [in assuming] You mean “I’m assuming”
- [I felt the man shift as he started walking towards presumably towards her?] MAN, like I said, you can always rephrased it as ”I felt the man SHIFTED as he started walking, presumably, towards her.” But you know, you don’t have to use “I assume” “I presumably” “I guess” PLUS A QUESTION MARK to show the MC confusion. This is just overkill!!
- ykw, I’ll read the rest later. I’ll comment on the story plot but first of all, is English really your first language? Because what is going on man. You got me doubt my second language and I have to consult my friends to make sure I’m not failing my English. Anyways.. the writing is simple. Not descriptive, a lot of telling (but I understand it is for the story pacing), but phrasing has me in a chokehold. I’ll continue reading, but please: chapter one’s first line already had a glaring grammar mistake. Sigh.

:3, how goes feedback?

I’ll do yours like on Wednesday (tmr is my exam)

 

[Aphel]

No no, it’s the exam season so I have to lock in ? I’ll do feedback whenever is possible but it will be very slow…. I’m juggling a lot right now

gotcha, good luck.

 

[GreenLemonShark]

I know it's been a while since you requested stories but are you willing to do mine? ?Cursed Destiny?
I don't have many chapters right now so it's a quick read. it's BL so hopefully you find it more appealing.

 

[Senx1l]

Hi, it’s your turn yay!

- Before you read this, here’s something to consider: If you’re going to say English is your first language, this isn’t giving that. Please reflect on your work, and I genuinely suggest either hiring an editor or using AI tools to fix the grammar before publishing.
-Okay I’ll push this up and say that the later chapters seemed to be edited. Although chapter 2 has noticeable shift of tenses, chapter 3 is mostly one liners, simple and dialogues driven, then suddenly the most recent chapter, the language is so bombastic like an actual novel.
- I know this is a typical omegaverse. I read a lot of it and guessing from the comments I know the general plot but I’m mentally tired to read word for word without being interrupted by the format of the language. Apparently, the recent chapter was the most readable.

- The synopsis is interesting. I have to double check and realised it is a GL novel. I suppose her trauma with adult mem has supported this turn of events so I guess the storyline is solid. (As in there is a reason for everything right)
- [With this visit, her older brothers, and her are after a month taken to the capital. Where they now reside.] Awkward phrasing! I would suggest rephrasing it as “After that visit a month ago, she and her brothers were taken to the capital, where they now reside.”
- [as my as my family would put it.] Typo!
- [So.], [Boy.] Replace them with comma
- MR BROWN IS A CHILD MOLESTER?
- Crazy work
- [it hurt] correct it to “it hurts”
- [Aside from kisses, touches, and grabs he never took our relationship past that.] Maybe rephrasing it to “ Aside from kissing, touching, and groping, he never took our relationship past that.”
- [I did every once in a while worry. What if…] Awkward phrasing, “I did every once in a while, worrying what if..”
- [once in awhile to it was normal] repeated phrase and also it’s “so” not “to”
- [Not my birthday] Missing preposition “Not on my birthday”
- [How my parents reacted?] Change to “How did my parents react?”
- [My parents after I got hospitalized told family members, including my brothers, that I'd gotten into a car accident.] Phrasing issue again. “After I was hospitalised, my parents told the rest of the family, including my brothers, that I’d been in a car accident.“
.” Family members include her brothers too
- [ a shaken passerby said] If his dialogue is in all CAPS, then it would be reasonable to replace “said” to “shouted, exclaimed, screamed”
- Okay, since the language is in shambles, I’ll ignore the mistakes and continue the story
- Btw, why is the text grey in chapter 1
- [I felt something lift me up and as I tried to focus my eyes finally I made out what to be a man?] Someone pls end me. You don’t anyhow add question mark to sentences that are phrased in a way that end with a full stop!!! You can rephrase it to “I felt something left me up, and as I tried to focus my eyes, I thought I saw.. a man?” Or you can totally ditch the question mark and write it as “I felt something lift me up, and as I tried to focus my eyes, I finally made out what seemed to be a man.” And also, punctuation!!
- The FIRST LINE already triggered me [I felt my body return to me as I heard screaming?] Why…why add a question mark. I know you’re trying to show the confusion of the MC but the PHRASING and TONE don’t match
- [I started moving around but all I felt was my hands moving around and what I think are my legs to be kicking?] Please read this aloud. I can’t anymore. AND ALSO TENSES
- [in assuming] You mean “I’m assuming”
- [I felt the man shift as he started walking towards presumably towards her?] MAN, like I said, you can always rephrased it as ”I felt the man SHIFTED as he started walking, presumably, towards her.” But you know, you don’t have to use “I assume” “I presumably” “I guess” PLUS A QUESTION MARK to show the MC confusion. This is just overkill!!
- ykw, I’ll read the rest later. I’ll comment on the story plot but first of all, is English really your first language? Because what is going on man. You got me doubt my second language and I have to consult my friends to make sure I’m not failing my English. Anyways.. the writing is simple. Not descriptive, a lot of telling (but I understand it is for the story pacing), but phrasing has me in a chokehold. I’ll continue reading, but please: chapter one’s first line already had a glaring grammar mistake. Sigh.

I’ll do yours like on Wednesday (tmr is my exam)

Thank you and I've been editing/rewriting my chapters for a few days now. I tend to write a lot of words at once, most being 1500-3000 words. So the grammar issues r mostly my bad. I do try to use Grammarly/ChapGPT but some grammatical errors do slip through. Thank you for the corrections..

 

[LeeYooNa]

No no, it’s the exam season so I have to lock in ? I’ll do feedback whenever is possible but it will be very slow…. I’m juggling a lot right now

It's okay. Take your time.
Good luck on your exam.

 

[Yuin]

Thank you and I've been editing/rewriting my chapters for a few days now. I tend to write a lot of words at once, most being 1500-3000 words. So the grammar issues r mostly my bad. I do try to use Grammarly/ChapGPT but some grammatical errors do slip through. Thank you for the corrections..

Man sorry if I came off harsh. I was kinda invested and I spent a lot of time (around 2 hrs) reading each word. So I would get a bit heated up when I couldn’t focus on the narrative due to the writing. Your readers seemed to enjoy it so I hope you would polish it up!

 

[Breakin]

Break

 

[Yuin]

The Cold Between Stars

How many skeletons are in your closet? Such would be the question asked when a foreigner dies in a land beyond the grasp of death. Let the darkness be your guide as the deathless immortals of the Abyss confront the horrors of such a predicament. Through both threats from without...

www.scribblehub.com

Alright, your turn!

- The synopsis is very interesting and philosophical. I suppose the story revolves around this concept of death!
- [“the right the carry on”] should be “to carry on.”
- Okay, I’ve read Zenomew‘s comment and I do agree with it. The flow of the chapter is kind of jarring. The opening at the funeral is very strong and the theme stays consistent, but the last few paragraphs suddenly shift into a casual conversation. There’s almost no smooth transition, it feels like a sudden exposition dump.
- The reveal of the corpse’s identity at the end is a good attempt to create an uncertain, mysterious tone in the story.
- The intro also feels redundant, especially when Beth says her name multiple times. To avoid info-dumping, I’d suggest:
- Let Luxcious introduce himself more precisely. Since he’s a scholar, just say that outright when he speaks. (Plus hint at his connection to the corpse, he’s likely the same man who cried at the coffin, right?)
- Hint at her connection to the corpse instead of her outright saying she doesn’t know him. Leave ambiguity and possibility.
- Instead of the man asking about her diadem, Lux could recognise it and, from a scholarly perspective, explain its symbolism.
- Here’s a rough rewrite of that part based on your original idea:

“Last I recalled, you didn’t know this man. Am I correct?” Luxcious asked, pointing at the corpse.

“That…” Beth’s eyes darted, her fingers twitched. “I’ve met him a few times, that’s all,” she said with a soft smile.

…

Luxcious regarded her with faint curiosity, lifting his eyes to the diadem. “Such intricate designs… So you’re born with the Seed of Night? I’ve seen it before, my mentor gave me something similar during graduation.”

He smiled faintly, noting the sigil that marked her as the Apex, the firstborn daughter of the Lord and Lady of the Abyss.

“It must be an honour to have you here. But surely you have other matters to attend to. What made you stay?”

“Unfinished business. Normally I’d be out hunting, but today is… different.”

“Hunting? What would you be hunting for?”

“Hm… people, I suppose. But that wouldn’t be very appropriate to say here, would it?” Her eyes curved like waning moons. The smile she wore gave Lux chills.

He jolted and rose awkwardly. “I-I suppose not. It’s been a pleasure speaking with you. Your presence is… reassuring,” he said, chuckling nervously.

- Okay, something like that.
- But overall, the language is good and honestly something I would write too. Just that the technical aspect isn’t well executed. Yeah, just polish it up and it’ll be good! Use the dialogue as the driving force of the narrative instead of writing for the sake of interaction.

Chapter 2:
- [“only this one looked different from the one which Luxcious had read.”] Since when did he read it? I checked Chapter 1 and there’s no connection.
-The idea that the eulogy content is shifting itself is magical and cool, but the way it’s described feels clustered, complex, and less engaging, especially when it’s the first paragraph of Chapter 2. Simplify it and make the description straightforward instead of diving into every micro-detail.
- Here’s a suggested summary edit:

Walking to the podium, she picked up the paper beneath the microphone. Instantly, the shifting words froze, rearranging into a letter format. The message became clear. It was his eulogy. Her brother’s eulogy.
In white ink, it wrote:

To my dear sister…

- See? I just summarised like 10 lines of description. And btw, it’s already clear the podium is empty because everyone left in Chapter 1.
- [“her?”] Why the question mark?
- [“The fools”] plural?
- Chapter 2 also has the same pacing issue. There’s suddenly a climax, and also, what do you mean by “her scales”? I just realised I don’t even know what Beth looks like. There’s so much focus on every small movement and on setting, but no description of the characters’ appearances.
- OKAY I really have to address this:
- First, why does Beth want to go to the Spire? I was confused. She just cried and now suddenly she’s heading to the Spire? There’s no sentence clearly telling readers why. I only made the connection a few paragraphs later. Did she not have any afterthought when she read the eulogy? Why is her purpose only expose at last few paragraphs?
- Where is the internal moral conflict between her desire to bring him back and honouring his death? Beth is GOING PLACES, but nothing’s clear enough to make her a 3D character. She feels more like a plot vehicle than someone with actual motives or layers.
- Second, when the peasant immediately jumps her, Beth just casually tells him to go beg for money instead of dying? ?
- And this peasant has magic to control her and force her to kill him?? AND HE ALMOST OVERPOWERS HER??
- If Beth is a monster, I would say that Lux is a very chill guy. Also, until now, idk what is Lux to her adopted brother.
- [He was dying, and she saved him, saved him from being forgotten. Yet just as she had saved him, James had saved her. Though where she had saved him from death, her brother had saved from from herself.] is this a tongue twister? And also typo.
- Did she say thar she love her adopted brother. Woah intense. I did not get this “FORESHADOWING” at all!
-So I’ll stop at Chapter 2 because the story isn’t cohesive enough yet. I know what’s going on. Her adopted brother committed suicide and now she’s on a mission to revive him bcs she is in love with him. But the storytelling feels illogical at times, like I’m reading a mashup of convenient plot devices strung together with no clear transitions, and masked by heavy descriptions.The only thing carrying the story is the language.
- And also, what happened to foreshadowing? There are so many opportunities to foreshadow and link the events together but no, you just tell the readers straight. There is nothing to motivate the readers to suspect what is going on, to keep them curious and be interested in your work.
- The hook is dry and there is so much emotional depth you can explore than listing it out like a checklist to write a chapter. This storyline has potential I know!! So pls refocus on your writing and aim in moments where you truly need to be descriptive!

 

[Fox-Trot-9]

I have prepared a fire, long skewers, and marshmallows. Let the roasting begin!

The Late Bird’s Tale: A Tale of the Floating World

[Volume 1] To the Muse Bureau, Judy Windermere is not a person: she's the entrance exam that prospective muses must pass to attend its academy. And to working muse officers, she's not just a glorified dreamer: she's a natural disaster disguised as a sleeping girl. For when she sleeps, she's full...

www.scribblehub.com

*roasts marshmallows over the fire*

 

[FirnielMahalayati]

Alright, your turn!

- The synopsis is very interesting and philosophical. I suppose the story revolves around this concept of death!
- [“the right the carry on”] should be “to carry on.”
- Okay, I’ve read Zenomew‘s comment and I do agree with it. The flow of the chapter is kind of jarring. The opening at the funeral is very strong and the theme stays consistent, but the last few paragraphs suddenly shift into a casual conversation. There’s almost no smooth transition, it feels like a sudden exposition dump.
- The reveal of the corpse’s identity at the end is a good attempt to create an uncertain, mysterious tone in the story.
- The intro also feels redundant, especially when Beth says her name multiple times. To avoid info-dumping, I’d suggest:
- Let Luxcious introduce himself more precisely. Since he’s a scholar, just say that outright when he speaks. (Plus hint at his connection to the corpse, he’s likely the same man who cried at the coffin, right?)
- Hint at her connection to the corpse instead of her outright saying she doesn’t know him. Leave ambiguity and possibility.
- Instead of the man asking about her diadem, Lux could recognise it and, from a scholarly perspective, explain its symbolism.
- Here’s a rough rewrite of that part based on your original idea:

“Last I recalled, you didn’t know this man. Am I correct?” Luxcious asked, pointing at the corpse.

“That…” Beth’s eyes darted, her fingers twitched. “I’ve met him a few times, that’s all,” she said with a soft smile.

…

Luxcious regarded her with faint curiosity, lifting his eyes to the diadem. “Such intricate designs… So you’re born with the Seed of Night? I’ve seen it before, my mentor gave me something similar during graduation.”

He smiled faintly, noting the sigil that marked her as the Apex, the firstborn daughter of the Lord and Lady of the Abyss.

“It must be an honour to have you here. But surely you have other matters to attend to. What made you stay?”

“Unfinished business. Normally I’d be out hunting, but today is… different.”

“Hunting? What would you be hunting for?”

“Hm… people, I suppose. But that wouldn’t be very appropriate to say here, would it?” Her eyes curved like waning moons. The smile she wore gave Lux chills.

He jolted and rose awkwardly. “I-I suppose not. It’s been a pleasure speaking with you. Your presence is… reassuring,” he said, chuckling nervously.

- Okay, something like that.
- But overall, the language is good and honestly something I would write too. Just that the technical aspect isn’t well executed. Yeah, just polish it up and it’ll be good! Use the dialogue as the driving force of the narrative instead of writing for the sake of interaction.

Chapter 2:
- [“only this one looked different from the one which Luxcious had read.”] Since when did he read it? I checked Chapter 1 and there’s no connection.
-The idea that the eulogy content is shifting itself is magical and cool, but the way it’s described feels clustered, complex, and less engaging, especially when it’s the first paragraph of Chapter 2. Simplify it and make the description straightforward instead of diving into every micro-detail.
- Here’s a suggested summary edit:

Walking to the podium, she picked up the paper beneath the microphone. Instantly, the shifting words froze, rearranging into a letter format. The message became clear. It was his eulogy. Her brother’s eulogy.
In white ink, it wrote:

To my dear sister…

- See? I just summarised like 10 lines of description. And btw, it’s already clear the podium is empty because everyone left in Chapter 1.
- [“her?”] Why the question mark?
- [“The fools”] plural?
- Chapter 2 also has the same pacing issue. There’s suddenly a climax, and also, what do you mean by “her scales”? I just realised I don’t even know what Beth looks like. There’s so much focus on every small movement and on setting, but no description of the characters’ appearances.
- OKAY I really have to address this:
- First, why does Beth want to go to the Spire? I was confused. She just cried and now suddenly she’s heading to the Spire? There’s no sentence clearly telling readers why. I only made the connection a few paragraphs later. Did she not have any afterthought when she read the eulogy? Why is her purpose only expose at last few paragraphs?
- Where is the internal moral conflict between her desire to bring him back and honouring his death? Beth is GOING PLACES, but nothing’s clear enough to make her a 3D character. She feels more like a plot vehicle than someone with actual motives or layers.
- Second, when the peasant immediately jumps her, Beth just casually tells him to go beg for money instead of dying? ?
- And this peasant has magic to control her and force her to kill him?? AND HE ALMOST OVERPOWERS HER??
- If Beth is a monster, I would say that Lux is a very chill guy. Also, until now, idk what is Lux to her adopted brother.
- [He was dying, and she saved him, saved him from being forgotten. Yet just as she had saved him, James had saved her. Though where she had saved him from death, her brother had saved from from herself.] is this a tongue twister? And also typo.
- Did she say thar she love her adopted brother. Woah intense. I did not get this “FORESHADOWING” at all!
-So I’ll stop at Chapter 2 because the story isn’t cohesive enough yet. I know what’s going on. Her adopted brother committed suicide and now she’s on a mission to revive him bcs she is in love with him. But the storytelling feels illogical at times, like I’m reading a mashup of convenient plot devices strung together with no clear transitions, and masked by heavy descriptions.The only thing carrying the story is the language.
- And also, what happened to foreshadowing? There are so many opportunities to foreshadow and link the events together but no, you just tell the readers straight. There is nothing to motivate the readers to suspect what is going on, to keep them curious and be interested in your work.
- The hook is dry and there is so much emotional depth you can explore than listing it out like a checklist to write a chapter. This storyline has potential I know!! So pls refocus on your writing and aim in moments where you truly need to be descriptive!

Your critique is noted. Though if you are implying that there is some sort of romance between Beth and her adopted brother then you are sorely mistaken. That was not my intent, and never was going to be the case here. Other than that I will be editing these first 2 chapters accordingly.

 

[Yuin]

Your critique is noted. Though if you are implying that there is some sort of romance between Beth and her adopted brother then you are sorely mistaken. That was not my intent, and never was going to be the case here. Other than that I will be editing these first 2 chapters accordingly.

Okay good to know? I think the story idea is good and overall I enjoy it!

 

[Senx1l]

Man sorry if I came off harsh. I was kinda invested and I spent a lot of time (around 2 hrs) reading each word. So I would get a bit heated up when I couldn’t focus on the narrative due to the writing. Your readers seemed to enjoy it so I hope you would polish it up!

Nah, you weren’t harsh just straight up and I appreciate that. I should value my story if I want people to read and actually enjoy it. I fixed up the errors with ChatGPT, polishing over my early chapters. I also fixed up my synopsis lol, tm going on with it.

I believe my late chapters are good enough, just need to work on tightening my dialogue. :)

 

[The_Twelve_LightNovel]

Hey! Do you think you can take a look at the first chapter of my story? I would love to know what you think about the word building and if this chapter hooks you into the series? I would also love to see if this makes you want to wait around for chapter two because if it makes you want to check back for it, then it will make others want to too!

Link to story: https://www.scribblehub.com/readfirst/1744169/

 

[Yuin]

Hi! Could you take a look at this?

I'd really appreciate it if you did. It's a Star Wars fanfic set in Empire Era. I haven't been able to write anything in a long while and the idea for this has been stewing in my brain for a while but I could never pen it down. But last night "Somehow my creativity returned".

Now I must warn you it has been proofread by ChatGPT but I wanted your opinion on it.

Thanks again

Okie. A quick heads up,I don’t know anything about Star Wars ?

- The whole story is so funny, especially the back-and-forth between him and the Imperial bureaucrat! The description of him hitting the JoJo pose, and the MC doing a whole mic drop, reminded me of the game Ace Attorney.
- The MC is very humorous and caring. The writing takes on more of an internal monologue tone and expresses his love for music, which helps to connect him and Penny awww, and then the plot twist, omg, it caught me so off guard! I was as confused as the MC lol.
- The climax actually hooked readers into wanting to know what and why it happened! I thought this would be a one-shot, but nope, it ended with a cliffhanger ? Oh man, how unfortunate.
- I honestly enjoyed reading this. There are many stories that try to be funny but end up sounding informal or redundant, but you’re able to create a scene in my head, bickering with supported reasoning and motivation, while also referencing a Girl in Red quote to emphasise the core of the story!
- The dialogues actually made the biggest impact in the story. They moved the plot along faster and made it more interesting.

Language/presentation nitpicks:
- [“smiled back. Just a little.”] You can change this to: “smiled back slightly”, since the “just a…” structure was already used earlier (it’s obvious ChatGPT edited it lol).
- [“Hard to smile”] It might be better as: “It was hard for her to smile, after a lifetime of slavery…” Also, use a comma in between the “of…”
- Girl in Red has been mentioned!!!
- [“star wars”] Shouldn’t this be capitalised?
- [“Tech is stagnant, it almost felt like home when I saw speeder companies bringing out same products with just marginally better performance or accessories and call it new. And music was trash.”] Oh no! So many tense issues! Here’s a corrected version:
“Tech was stagnant. It almost felt like home when I saw speeder companies bringing out the same products with only marginally better performance or new accessories, and calling it ‘new.’ And the music was trash.”
- Yea, I guess ChatGPT isn’t that reliable ?
- There were missing articles “the”, and tense switching. Also, I’m not sure what you meant by “speeder” companies. Is that a proper name, or do you mean “tech companies”?
- [“or divine prank”] Should be: “or a divine prank.”
- [“Took months.”] That’s not a sentence, buddy. Try: “It took months.”
- There are a lot of missing commas, which disrupted the flow of the narrative and I had to manually pause in my head. Don’t be scared of commas! They create suspension and improve readability.
- [“Made me contemplate”] feels awkward to start a paragraph with. I’d suggest “I contemplated…”
- [“no idea but but”] Typo alert!
- [“imperial bureaucrat”, “mister”] Capitalise them, please!
- The later part was easier to read, so I just skimmed through.
- Yeah, so overall a great plot and good pacing. The language is a bit wonky tho. At the end of the day, you still gotta proofread your story and check for missing articles, subjects, tense shifts, etc. ?
- Okay an extra note: if you’re running out of idea, you can do an expansion on mc encounter with Penny and the history of the race. Make the mc retrace their journey back and find Penny across the universe! That would be interesting.

 

[Yuin]

lmao I know you have a lot of novels too read but would appreciate if you went through mine.
Chatgpt been hella glazing so need someone to take me down a notch??

The God of Mischief and Madness

Thanks!

Alright, I have read your thread before and I’ll help you how you can get constructive feedback from the butler.

- First, let it help you edit while keeping the originality of the text. Second, ask for character analysis, a breakdown of the content, and what to improve on. Yes, ChatGPT tends to sugarcoat things, but I think its pointers to improve the story do make sense. Feed the bot more of your writing and it’ll become more useful over time. Don’t ask it to rate your work. Instead, ask what can be improved based solely on your story and the previous chapters as a whole.
- Now I’ll give you my own feedback!
- So here’s the thing. This chapter isn’t bad. The voice is solid, the worldbuilding is cool, and the sibling dynamic is actually one of the best parts. It’s not boring because nothing’s happening, it’s boring because too much is happening without moving forward. Like I’m swimming in vibes but waiting for something to matter.
- There are scenes that are subtle and emotional. Like the dynamic between Dio and Lyra, the braiding scene. You didn’t overdo it, and that made it land harder.
- And thennnnn you overdid the rest. There is an attempt of making the world feel lived-in. The Gate, the Citadel, the Reverie, feeding the lore enough to drown the reader. Because it keeps on dreading with a straightforward explanation. Yes you’re sprinkling lore, but the lore is like slice so thin that it is beating around the bush.
- The emotional part of Dio’s protectiveness, his guilt about Anya, that quiet dread, it works fine to show his spiral.
- But MOST IMPORTANTLY, It’s long. Too long for how little the plot actually moves. There’s like 5+ paragraphs about Dio being hungover, staring at blinds, or chewing toast. Cool for establishing mood, but trim it down. You don’t need to say “Anya’s gone” ten different ways in ten different paragraphs. Pick the most painful one and let it breathe.
- The pacing is off. The Gate opens. That’s a big deal… but it kinda gets buried under mundane routine. The Gate should shake the reader, not just the city. Right now, it’s spooky background noise. I want it to feel like it’s coming for someone, not just humming like a fridge in the distance. The description is so fragmented that it undermines the effect, becoming like a broken radio. Rounding back with no extensive knowledge given, you’re spoon-feeding information instead of letting us immerse. Dio’s monologue disrupts the flow too much.
- Anya’s reveal takes too long. We get all this build-up, Dio thinking about her, missing texts, sketchbook angst, but the actual hook (her message) drops at the very end. That’s risky. You might lose readers before they even get to the thing that matters. Pull that message earlier, right after he thinks he sees her. Give the story its heartbeat sooner. It’s dead as hell now.
- Chapter 2 has a tighter control, but you lost half of your view count.
- The memory of Eitan? Interesting, I guess. You’re finally introducing elements that make the story feel like it has something to give to the reader!
- Dio has more dimension now, and the introduction of Cayos moves the plot forward, so keep that up.
- However the back half gets dense, again. The chapter peaks with Cayos’ entrance, and then it lingers a little too long with whispers and speculations. It’s good worldbuilding, but not all of it’s needed right now. The dialogue about ranks, seers, Citadels, yes it’s lore time, but a few lines could be trimmed without losing anything. You have to be straightforward, concise and impactful in your writing! Concentrate the important information and show it to the readers like you’re revealing a fine dinning full course meal. The minor detail can be sprinkled across, but established the terminology in a precise, small bite like an abstract, complex plating of a dessert that is appealing.
- Dio’s emotional shift is murky. We start with concern over Anya, then shift to possessive rage at Eitan, and then spiral into weird dread with Cayos. These are all compelling reactions, but they stack fast without breathing room. You might want to add in a line or two about Dio emotions before each transition, so we don’t just get reactions, but why he’s reacting like that.
For example: He sees Cayos look at Lyra, maybe flash a thought of Anya again, or that dream from earlier. Just enough to thread the inner turmoil through the external stuff.
- This chapter has bones. But it’s padded with too much internal monologue, not enough urgency. The emotion is there, the setting is cool, but the pacing and plot need tightening. Right now, it feels like you’re holding the real story hostage until the last few lines.
- Cut the fluff, raise the stakes early, and make the Gate feel like a threat, not just an aesthetic. Then this chapter will snap.

 

[Yuin]

Hi,
I have shared my story, it completed and have been uploading the first edit after the final drafts. Just needed some review on the prologue and the writing in few chapters. It's an epic fantasy with potential series.
Thank you.

Here

A Cursed Bond: Blood and Gold

In a world still bleeding from old wars, a long forgotten taboo has been broken. From the mists of the forbidden land, a nightmare is unleashed, and a darkness begins to stir, poisoning the very roots of civilization. The age of peace is ending. In a remote village of northern...

www.scribblehub.com

Okie, you’re up next.

- I read the story up to Chapter 3 and I’ve got to say, I finally had peace of mind. I read every word, and the language was fantastic!
- The synopsis honestly didn’t do the novel any justice. When I first read it, I thought it’d be like any other story: some world-building, some lore, blah blah blah. But no, the writing was so impressive, I think it’s actually very unique.
- If I have to nitpick, it would be the repeated structure of “each, every” sentences, the sudden switch from third person to first person, and the overall inconsistency. I kinda felt a drop in Chapter 3 compared to Chapter 1. In fact, they almost looked like they were from two different novels, lol.
- That said, Chapter 1 was an absolute banger: the tension of Norman running through the forest, Hendrick’s death (especially knowing he has a young son waiting for him at home), the sus commander, and the description of the sorcerers, it was all so immersive. But then Chapter 1 and 2 seemed to be telling a completely different tale??
- While the prologue seems to be about witch hunting, Chapters 1 and 2 are (what I assume) either time travel, or a precognitive experience the MC had and we’re actually starting in the past, where he journeys until it all links back to the final battle. Which make witch story felt a bit disoriented and disjointed.
- At first I thought the witch was Valeria, but on second thought, is the witch actually the one Einar almost lost to, but still managed to stab with the sword? And Valeria played a big role in turning back time or something?
- Now that I double-checked, I believe Chapter 1 onward follows the same timeline, it’s just that the prologue is either set far in the future as an aftermath or is happening in the middle of the story. Just saying, this is me guessing because there wasn’t any clear indication of the actual sequence of events. In fact, the narrative jumped around quite a lot in the first three chapters, from the witch, to the battle of lovers, and then suddenly a shift to first-person, which drastically changed the tone of the novel.
- The writing is mature, no doubt, and you definitely have a distinct style. What I’d recommend is rearranging the order or writing something that indicates the time of each event. Because your writing is complex, it takes extra energy to keep track of details, and that narrative shift might confuse readers. I think I pieced it together only because I’ve got some experience in this genre (though I could’ve misunderstood it too, lol).
- Either connect the prologue and Chapter 1 more clearly, or make the prologue a standalone piece instead of a cliffhanger that may mislead readers. I seriously thought Chapter 1 was a continuation of the witch visiting the king or something, but no, it was a whole different arc.
- Other than the narrative transitions, everything else is just great. The pacing is awesome. You hit the reader with the setting, the character, and the objective within the first two paragraphs. The climax is foreshadowed in conversation and then immediately delivered with action in the prologue. Chapter 1 also follows a similar structure, while Chapter 2 uses a different approach but it’s still effective.
- You’ve clearly done your research, and your passion really shows through your work. Keep writing and remember to maintain that momentum throughout the story!

 

[TheTaintedOne]

Okie, you’re up next.

- I read the story up to Chapter 3 and I’ve got to say, I finally had peace of mind. I read every word, and the language was fantastic!
- The synopsis honestly didn’t do the novel any justice. When I first read it, I thought it’d be like any other story: some world-building, some lore, blah blah blah. But no, the writing was so impressive, I think it’s actually very unique.
- If I have to nitpick, it would be the repeated structure of “each, every” sentences, the sudden switch from third person to first person, and the overall inconsistency. I kinda felt a drop in Chapter 3 compared to Chapter 1. In fact, they almost looked like they were from two different novels, lol.
- That said, Chapter 1 was an absolute banger: the tension of Norman running through the forest, Hendrick’s death (especially knowing he has a young son waiting for him at home), the sus commander, and the description of the sorcerers, it was all so immersive. But then Chapter 1 and 2 seemed to be telling a completely different tale??
- While the prologue seems to be about witch hunting, Chapters 1 and 2 are (what I assume) either time travel, or a precognitive experience the MC had and we’re actually starting in the past, where he journeys until it all links back to the final battle. Which make witch story felt a bit disoriented and disjointed.
- At first I thought the witch was Valeria, but on second thought, is the witch actually the one Einar almost lost to, but still managed to stab with the sword? And Valeria played a big role in turning back time or something?
- Now that I double-checked, I believe Chapter 1 onward follows the same timeline, it’s just that the prologue is either set far in the future as an aftermath or is happening in the middle of the story. Just saying, this is me guessing because there wasn’t any clear indication of the actual sequence of events. In fact, the narrative jumped around quite a lot in the first three chapters, from the witch, to the battle of lovers, and then suddenly a shift to first-person, which drastically changed the tone of the novel.
- The writing is mature, no doubt, and you definitely have a distinct style. What I’d recommend is rearranging the order or writing something that indicates the time of each event. Because your writing is complex, it takes extra energy to keep track of details, and that narrative shift might confuse readers. I think I pieced it together only because I’ve got some experience in this genre (though I could’ve misunderstood it too, lol).
- Either connect the prologue and Chapter 1 more clearly, or make the prologue a standalone piece instead of a cliffhanger that may mislead readers. I seriously thought Chapter 1 was a continuation of the witch visiting the king or something, but no, it was a whole different arc.
- Other than the narrative transitions, everything else is just great. The pacing is awesome. You hit the reader with the setting, the character, and the objective within the first two paragraphs. The climax is foreshadowed in conversation and then immediately delivered with action in the prologue. Chapter 1 also follows a similar structure, while Chapter 2 uses a different approach but it’s still effective.
- You’ve clearly done your research, and your passion really shows through your work. Keep writing and remember to maintain that momentum throughout the story!

Thank you for the wonderful review and for pointing out every detail while also providing a recommendation for improvement. Yes, for the prologue, it would seem a little out of place if you read to the next 2 chapters, like a sudden shift in the story. And yes, like you suggested, I have tried to implement hints and local conversation and lore from Chapter 3 as Einar would move to the village... It would clear any doubts the readers might have about the witch (the witch is some powerful being from the dark era, '176 Years before the present', when the Dark One invaded the realm from the forbidden lands) and the Chapter 1 is a battle between Einar and the Dark One, even before the invasion and inside the forbidden lands. As for the Prologue, it's 15 years before the present.)
It was helpful that you pointed out the 'each, every' structure of some sentences. Yes, that will be removed, as for now, my focus is mainly on the major changes for the story to keep the flow.
I was thinking of merging the first chapter and the second to improve the transition, and also showing the reader that the main protagonist is dreaming.
There is a reason for going with a first-person approach in Einar's case, as it would be the best approach for me to show emotions and what he is going through when these dreams start becoming reality.

If you have time, I would like to have feedback on Chapter 3 - Whispers of the Wind. No pressure, I appreciate it that you have given your time and read the first few chapters.
I have changed the name of the story to 'The Dragon's Blood' as it would be a standalone book (100k Words) for the series, and only this one would be in first person.

The Dragons Blood

'How much are you willing to sacrifice to reclaim what was never truly yours?' For centuries, the realm of mortals has sheltered safely behind a secret pact, forged when darkness reigned supreme and enslaved all of mankind. Now the pact lies shattered, broken by the very souls who foolishly...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[velvetvertigo]

I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on my sci-fi novel, if you have the time. I know it's a bit steamy, but it has a solid plot and well-developed drafts that I'm committed to follow. It's definitely not just free smut for the sake of it, I promise!

Genuine and honest feedbacks are so precious this time, and I would be ever so grateful if you could give it a try!

The link is in the signature :)

Thanks in advance!

 

[DarkCosmos]

Hope you will like it and thanks in advance!
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1542361/truth-beyond-the-veil/

 

[Shneedlewoods]

Dump your links here and I’ll give you a wonderful bs review! (With sincerity! Straight from the heart!)

(I’m an inexperienced, unprofessional author/reader so take my words lightly. I’m doing this for fun because I’m bored. Feel free to disagree with my opinions, I just want to see how people write their stories)

I have no requirements. I read everything and anything (but I’m more familiar with BL lol)

And you can roast mine: Dotage and Discretion

Dump your links here and I’ll give you a wonderful bs review! (With sincerity! Straight from the heart!)

(I’m an inexperienced, unprofessional author/reader so take my words lightly. I’m doing this for fun because I’m bored. Feel free to disagree with my opinions, I just want to see how people write their stories)

I have no requirements. I read everything and anything (but I’m more familiar with BL lol)

And you can roast mine: Dotage and Discretion

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1750005/ground-zero--zero-grounding/

I would love some feedback. No need to be gentle.
Just tell me what you think.