Want feedbacks from an amateur?

[Assurbanipal_II]

bruh, private message me, and pls talk English.
tnks

I do not think though that my feedback is particularly helpful~.

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

I do not think though that my feedback is particularly helpful~.

Why does that even matter? It's not like Yuin's feedback enlightens you. Try new things, it'll help you as a writer in the future.
But well, if you don't want, then it's okay. bye my friend.

 

[Senx1l]

Why does that even matter? It's not like Yuin's feedback enlightens you. Try new things, it'll help you as a writer in the future.
But well, if you don't want, then it's okay. bye my friend.

Aye I’ll do it, I just don’t know how to msg privately? I’m interested in another writers perspective since I’m relatively new. Although im much of an amateur I think my feedback might help even a little bit..

Nvm I figured it out lol just a quick click on your profile. But lmk if your interested.

 

[Yuin]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/121764/schwarz--der-wille-zur-macht/

Hi! I just read the first three chapters of your story, and here are my thoughts:

- The cover is so appealing! Did you commission an artist to do that??
- The synopsis is general but clear about the storyline. It delivered the genre well and I think because the cover art is so good, I was able to visualise the setting of the story
- Taking into account that this was written back in 2020, the language is quite decent, though I’ll admit it’s not really my preferred style.
- I noticed a consistent use of repeated vocabulary and parallel sentence structures, like using the same subject twice with added elaboration in the next line. While I get the stylistic intent, a lot of it could be condensed into one cleaner sentence without over-relying on repetition.
- I do see the effect you’re going for, but honestly, it started to drag for me after a while.
- The word “Duchy” was repeated eight times in close succession. The context stayed the same each time, just reworded slightly and unnecessary.
- I really enjoyed the dialogues as the tone came through clearly, but I kept getting pulled out of the moment because of the repetitive structure. It made the overall narration feel amateurish. It’s simple? Yes. Effective? Yes. It keeps rephrasing something that’s already been said? Yes.
- For example: “an old friend of his and his liege, entrusted him.” That line already establishes his status. But then the next paragraph follows with “his faith in him, a trusted friend.” It’s redundant. Like, I don’t think your readers have goldfish memory.
- This kind of thing is scattered all over the story. It’s frustrating because you clearly have the vocabulary, but the sentence structure weakens the impact.
- Another example: “Her weak constitution? Aurora was a frail girl.” What did that second sentence really add?
- Then, “She was a Schwarz.” Is that the moral of the story?
- Aurora’s frailty is mentioned at least four times across different paragraphs. And there’s a lot of circling around her “kind nature” when honestly, you nailed that just fine in the second paragraph of Chapter 3.
- To be honest, I can’t even chalk this up to a unique writing style. Every word in a story should serve a purpose and push things forward. Repeating the same point in slightly different words just slows the pacing. And I assume the readers are smart enough to retain basic information about a character without needing constant reminders.
- Okay but the fighting scene was good. Idk, the basic narrative is lacking but the rest is quite decent.
- It’s frustrating because the dialogues are strong, the pacing is decent, and the plot has a clear hook. Sure, it’s a bit generic, but I wanted to know what happens next. It’s just that the execution keeps getting in the way.
- I also read your more recent chapter, and I’m pretty convinced that dialogue is your strength. But what’s up with the 30% of the page filled with “…… …. …”? Is this Morse code? I get using ellipses for effect, but that was overkill. Still, I’ll give you this—the scene had a mini climax and a tangible action. It kept things moving, which is what I was missing in earlier chapters.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Hi! I just read the first three chapters of your story, and here are my thoughts:

- The cover is so appealing! Did you commission an artist to do that??
- The synopsis is general but clear about the storyline. It delivered the genre well and I think because the cover art is so good, I was able to visualise the setting of the story
- Taking into account that this was written back in 2023, the language is quite decent, though I’ll admit it’s not really my preferred style.
- I noticed a consistent use of repeated vocabulary and parallel sentence structures, like using the same subject twice with added elaboration in the next line. While I get the stylistic intent, a lot of it could be condensed into one cleaner sentence without over-relying on repetition.
- I do see the effect you’re going for, but honestly, it started to drag for me after a while.
- The word “Duchy” was repeated eight times in close succession. The context stayed the same each time, just reworded slightly and unnecessary.
- I really enjoyed the dialogues as the tone came through clearly, but I kept getting pulled out of the moment because of the repetitive structure. It made the overall narration feel amateurish. It’s simple? Yes. Effective? Yes. It keeps rephrasing something that’s already been said? Yes.
- For example: “an old friend of his and his liege, entrusted him.” That line already establishes his status. But then the next paragraph follows with “his faith in him, a trusted friend.” It’s redundant. Like, I don’t think your readers have goldfish memory.
- This kind of thing is scattered all over the story. It’s frustrating because you clearly have the vocabulary, but the sentence structure weakens the impact.
- Another example: “Her weak constitution? Aurora was a frail girl.” What did that second sentence really add?
- Then, “She was a Schwarz.” Is that the moral of the story?
- Aurora’s frailty is mentioned at least four times across different paragraphs. And there’s a lot of circling around her “kind nature” when honestly, you nailed that just fine in the second paragraph of Chapter 3.
- To be honest, I can’t even chalk this up to a unique writing style. Every word in a story should serve a purpose and push things forward. Repeating the same point in slightly different words just slows the pacing. And I assume the readers are smart enough to retain basic information about a character without needing constant reminders.
- Okay but the fighting scene was good. Idk, the basic narrative is lacking but the rest is quite decent.
- It’s frustrating because the dialogues are strong, the pacing is decent, and the plot has a clear hook. Sure, it’s a bit generic, but I wanted to know what happens next. It’s just that the execution keeps getting in the way.
- I also read your more recent chapter, and I’m pretty convinced that dialogue is your strength. But what’s up with the 30% of the page filled with “…… …. …”? Is this Morse code? I get using ellipses for effect, but that was overkill. Still, I’ll give you this—the scene had a mini climax and a tangible action. It kept things moving, which is what I was missing in earlier chapters.

 

[Yuin]

Hey… don’t be sad! It’s just that I like the story but I found the writing repetitive (got a bit too passionate)?

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Hey… don’t be sad! It’s just that I like the story but I found the writing repetitive (got a bit too passionate)?

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Hey… don’t be sad! It’s just that I like the story but I found the writing repetitive (got a bit too passionate)?

Hey, brother. Please do mine next, if you can.

"There is no pressure."

But you said the most active member will get the feedback. So after "nya-chan" (Assurbanipal_II), I'm next.?

And... it is a zero draft, so don't be too hard? on it.

 

[Yuin]

Hey, brother. Please do mine next, if you can.

"There is no pressure."

But you said the most active member will get the feedback. So after "nya-chan" (Assurbanipal_II), I'm next.?

And... it is a zero draft, so don't be too hard? on it.

Help you make it sound like I’m operating a premium membership ?

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Help you make it sound like I’m operating a premium membership ?

Of course, you are.
And I'm the vip member.

 

[Cyruka.]

Interesting.
Ahem, I'd love to hear your thoughts..
But don't push yourself too hard...
Take care of your body, mind, and soul, you fragile human....

Yoei: Symphony of The Broken Oath

In the immaculate kingdom of Altheria, purity is a performance — and power is inherited like a disease. Yoei Bougainvillea, a royal healer bound by blood and duty, lives under rules she never chose and truths she is never allowed to question. Every audience with the court leaves her weaker as...

www.scribblehub.com

*bowed*

 

[Adonalsium-Will-Remember-Ou]

Ruins of Gold - Prologue | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

More viewpoints eyyyyy
Also prologue is chapter 1 you can ignore the chapters 1-6 as they will be rewritten soon

 

[Yuin]

Hey, brother. Please do mine next, if you can.

"There is no pressure."

But you said the most active member will get the feedback. So after "nya-chan" (Assurbanipal_II), I'm next.?

And... it is a zero draft, so don't be too hard? on it.

Well, it’s your turn now! I read from Chapter 4 onwards.

- I see a great improvement in your writing! Chapter 1 read almost like a poetic narrative, but from Chapter 4, it really starts to feel like a novel. There’s action, dialogue, and a unique world setting that all contribute meaningfully to the story’s development.
- The use of fancy sci-fi terms makes the escape from the facility feel more immersive so good job on worldbuilding.
- That said, some parts still feel a bit rough. Awkward phrasing and abrupt transitions occasionally make the narrative feel jarring. A bit more description in these areas would help the flow.
Examples:
- [“Wh…what? Sir.” “Why is he looking at me like that? Stay calm.”]
The transition is clunky. Maybe revise the second part into an internal monologue, like: Why is he looking at me like that? I have to stay calm.
- [“I can’t explain it now, but for now, just stay here and hide.”]
Awkward phrasing. Consider: I can’t explain it right now—just stay here and hide.
- Also, I noticed you’re using the same quotation marks for both dialogue and internal thoughts. I’d personally recommend using apostrophes or italics for internal monologue to make the separation clearer, but it’s a stylistic choice.
- You made a solid attempt at using metaphor, which I appreciate.
- [“Arkam is in front of him…Arkam slowly puts his hand in his suit,”]
This suddenly switches to present tense, while the following sentence [He pulled out a gun] is past tense. Be consistent.
- Some lines come off as telling rather than showing:
- [“My hands are sweaty, and I’m shaking. This darkness will engulf me.”]
Try rewriting it as an action to make the fear more immersive:
She clasped her trembling hands, feeling the moisture at her fingertips as Arkam sealed the crate, the dim light fading until she was shrouded in darkness.
- This action bit caught my eye:
[As they searched, Arkam leaped towards one man. And Arkam, going behind him, without being noticed by the men, he sliced his neck, killing him. As the men fell, Arkam grabbed the man and dragged him into the shadows.]
The flow can be improved:
As they searched, Arkam slipped behind one man unnoticed and sliced his neck. As he fell, Arkam dragged the body into the shadows.
- Also, be careful with subject-verb agreement and plural/singular consistency. If Arkam killed one man, don’t suddenly switch to men in the next line.
- You tend to reuse certain words and phrases close together, like “noticed,” “cautious,” “ripped,” and “sliced his neck.” Repetition is fine, but if multiple phrases are reused within the same paragraph, it becomes noticeable and breaks immersion.
For instance, instead of repeating “ripped,” vary the verbs: tore, slashed etc
- Still, I really appreciate the consistency in your storytelling. Details like the crate and the retractable knives from the overcoat add a nice layer of continuity. It shows you’re keeping track of your world and that’s crucial for a story like this.
- I also noticed you tried varying dialogue tags instead of always using “said” or “asked.” That’s great bcs dialogue variety helps keep things dynamic.
- Also… why do Kashan and Arkam have so much aura and tension?
- In Chapter 6, you seemed to revert a little back to your Chapter 1 style. But that fight scene? Big improvement. The imagery of bullets flying and Arkam going thru peak character development honestly make Chapter 6 my favourite so far.
- Alright, I’m finally done. Yay! Come back for business after Chapter 10 or smth lmao.

 

[AstreiaNyx]

Help you make it sound like I’m operating a premium membership ?

Except premium service deserves proper payment. If you’re still looking for feedback, let me know. I’ll send you a DM

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Well, it’s your turn now! I read from Chapter 4 onwards.

- I see a great improvement in your writing! Chapter 1 read almost like a poetic narrative, but from Chapter 4, it really starts to feel like a novel. There’s action, dialogue, and a unique world setting that all contribute meaningfully to the story’s development.
- The use of fancy sci-fi terms makes the escape from the facility feel more immersive so good job on worldbuilding.
- That said, some parts still feel a bit rough. Awkward phrasing and abrupt transitions occasionally make the narrative feel jarring. A bit more description in these areas would help the flow.
Examples:
- [“Wh…what? Sir.” “Why is he looking at me like that? Stay calm.”]
The transition is clunky. Maybe revise the second part into an internal monologue, like: Why is he looking at me like that? I have to stay calm.
- [“I can’t explain it now, but for now, just stay here and hide.”]
Awkward phrasing. Consider: I can’t explain it right now—just stay here and hide.
- Also, I noticed you’re using the same quotation marks for both dialogue and internal thoughts. I’d personally recommend using apostrophes or italics for internal monologue to make the separation clearer, but it’s a stylistic choice.
- You made a solid attempt at using metaphor, which I appreciate.
- [“Arkam is in front of him…Arkam slowly puts his hand in his suit,”]
This suddenly switches to present tense, while the following sentence [He pulled out a gun] is past tense. Be consistent.
- Some lines come off as telling rather than showing:
- [“My hands are sweaty, and I’m shaking. This darkness will engulf me.”]
Try rewriting it as an action to make the fear more immersive:
She clasped her trembling hands, feeling the moisture at her fingertips as Arkam sealed the crate, the dim light fading until she was shrouded in darkness.
- This action bit caught my eye:
[As they searched, Arkam leaped towards one man. And Arkam, going behind him, without being noticed by the men, he sliced his neck, killing him. As the men fell, Arkam grabbed the man and dragged him into the shadows.]
The flow can be improved:
As they searched, Arkam slipped behind one man unnoticed and sliced his neck. As he fell, Arkam dragged the body into the shadows.
- Also, be careful with subject-verb agreement and plural/singular consistency. If Arkam killed one man, don’t suddenly switch to men in the next line.
- You tend to reuse certain words and phrases close together, like “noticed,” “cautious,” “ripped,” and “sliced his neck.” Repetition is fine, but if multiple phrases are reused within the same paragraph, it becomes noticeable and breaks immersion.
For instance, instead of repeating “ripped,” vary the verbs: tore, slashed etc
- Still, I really appreciate the consistency in your storytelling. Details like the crate and the retractable knives from the overcoat add a nice layer of continuity. It shows you’re keeping track of your world and that’s crucial for a story like this.
- I also noticed you tried varying dialogue tags instead of always using “said” or “asked.” That’s great bcs dialogue variety helps keep things dynamic.
- Also… why do Kashan and Arkam have so much aura and tension?
- In Chapter 6, you seemed to revert a little back to your Chapter 1 style. But that fight scene? Big improvement. The imagery of bullets flying and Arkam going thru peak character development honestly make Chapter 6 my favourite so far.
- Alright, I’m finally done. Yay! Come back for business after Chapter 10 or smth lmao.

Yuin, you always make my day, man.
And thank you for finally doing my story, I really appreciate your feedback.
While I wrote the 6th chapter about two weeks ago, I now use italics for internal monologue and have improved in some areas.

Thanks, but don't think you'll get away — I am coming at you with 10 more chapters . (jk)

 

[FirnielMahalayati]

:3, how goes feedback?

 

[TheTaintedOne]

Hi,
I have shared my story, it completed and have been uploading the first edit after the final drafts. Just needed some review on the prologue and the writing in few chapters. It's an epic fantasy with potential series.
Thank you.

Here

A Cursed Bond: Blood and Gold

In a world still bleeding from old wars, a long forgotten taboo has been broken. From the mists of the forbidden land, a nightmare is unleashed, and a darkness begins to stir, poisoning the very roots of civilization. The age of peace is ending. In a remote village of northern...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Aphel]

Okay I wanna speed things up so pls react to this if you want your story to have feedback asap! I’m gonna skip people and prioritise those who are actively waiting!! (I’m also quite busy this month so I’ll do my best?)

does this mean the others are going to be forgoten forever? if not I can wait

 

[Yuin]

does this mean the others are going to be forgoten forever? if not I can wait

No no, it’s the exam season so I have to lock in ? I’ll do feedback whenever is possible but it will be very slow…. I’m juggling a lot right now

 

[BreadIsACuisine]

No no, it’s the exam season so I have to lock in ? I’ll do feedback whenever is possible but it will be very slow…. I’m juggling a lot right now

Sad, was hoping to get a roast on my novel?.

Here's the link

Roast it good yeh