Want feedbacks from an amateur?

[MindFudge]

Don’t worry, the codex is actually easy to understand. Just use preexisting terms to get your point across. Like the agent ranking thing is similar to esper/rankers system. The exam system also, it’s just the usual thing so you can quickly summaries it into longer sentences! You don’t have to include all the details of the exam, leave some in the glossary. Only write the condition that is applicable and relevant to the MC’s current concern and continue to reveal more details of it in later chapters, like how MC would experience and discover the purpose behind each trials.

⁽ᴬʷ ᵗʰˣ ᶠᵒʳ ᵇᵉᶦⁿᵍ ᵖᵃᵗᶦᵉⁿᵗ. ᴵ’ᵐ ᶜᵒⁿˢᶦᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ ˢᵏᶦᵖᵖᶦⁿᵍ ᵗʰᵒˢᵉ ᶦⁿᵃᶜᵗᶦᵛᵉ ᵃᶜᶜᵒᵘⁿᵗˢ’ ˢᵗᵒʳᶦᵉˢ…⁾

Oh yeah, that works. suprised i never thought of that.

⁽ʰᵒˡʸ ⁱ ˢᵗʳᵘᵍᵍˡᵉᵈ ʳᵉᵃᵈⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʰᵃᵗ. ᵃ ᵗᵃˢᵗᵉ ᵒᶠ ᵐʸ ᵒʷⁿ ᵐᵉᵈⁱᶜⁱⁿᵉ ˡᵐᵃᵒ⁾

 

[Yuin]

hello yuin!, i like to share my work and i would like to get a feedback, https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1654013/beckoned-from-the-brink-of-another-world/

Hi, I just read your story up to chapter 4 and here are my thoughts:

- Lowkey I enjoyed the synopsis, it’s so funny. The “scream UNEMPLOYED” took me back to all the foreshadowing Insta reels I’ve been seeing on my FYP.
- Aside from being one of the most unrealistic plots out there, the writing is so Ding-a-ling-a-ling! Ding-a-ling-a-ling!
- Okay jokes aside, it’s impressive how you managed to write an actual chapter on like the most generic premise and still make it comedic without animation or voice lines to help push the plot.
- However I was confused by the line: “Saint Ignatius, right?” and she answered with “Elis.” I thought the MC had already isekai’d into the fantasy world and met an actual Saint, but no? Saint Ignatius is the school name?? So why would she answer like that?
- In chapter 2, if he’s a newly transferred student, why would he already know the FL’s name? Has bro been stalking her or something?
- I guess the logic and connections aren’t holding up well, but it’s fine.
- Okay, yeah, the transition isn’t smooth and the dialogues feel kinda sudden. Like, why would someone introduce herself as Elaine when a dude just crashed into her? And the girls are really insistent on stating their names huh.
- In chapter 4, [“Kaito!” he called out] did you mean “she” here?
- Yea why would Elis reply “I’m better than you!” When the mc just wanna thanked her. And then truck kun came in and he’s in another girl’s chest huhhh.
- I feel like the interaction between Elaine and the MC is kinda forced. Not very natural and almost redundant.
- Overall, the descriptive language is very decent for this type of story, but the dialogues feel out of place, forced, and random. The connections between actions don’t feel seamless. It’s a bit disruptive because I had to keep going back to the previous paragraphs to piece together the logic of the characters’ reactions.
- Other than that, the plot is kinda shallow—I mean, it’s meant to be like that for shits and giggles, so no comment.
- But I’m surprised by the number of views you got. Did you post this on TikTok? How did you do that?
- Anyways, keep doing what you love with the story!

 

[Ryan2507]

Hi! Could you take a look at this?

I'd really appreciate it if you did. It's a Star Wars fanfic set in Empire Era. I haven't been able to write anything in a long while and the idea for this has been stewing in my brain for a while but I could never pen it down. But last night "Somehow my creativity returned".

Now I must warn you it has been proofread by ChatGPT but I wanted your opinion on it.

Thanks again

 

[SeaJay]

I would really appreciate if you did it for my book too: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1716658/who-we-once-were/
It's been proofread by Copilot and Chatgpt.
I'm a new author and I would love feedback!
Sorry it only has two chapters. Third one coming tomorrow morning.

 

[Yuin]

Here, I never got any feedback on it, be it on SH or AO3
I want to know if there is a point in continuing writing it.

The Rise of the Broken Gene

[#R-18][CHECK THE TAGS BEFORE READING][#SLOWBURN AT START] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Eli Navarro was never meant to be noticed. He’s a street-forged survivor with no paper trail, no psychic imprint, and a...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi, I just read your story and here are my thoughts:

- The synopsis wasn’t for me, the repeated “No… No… Not…” felt kind of forced. I actually think your first paragraph in the prologue is way more gripping. You should consider using that instead, it sets the tone so much better.
- [It sliced through buildings, through brick and steel, through people.] The word “through” is repeated three times here. Rephrase to “It sliced through buildings made of brick and steel, exposing the people beneath to the cold.” Also, wind slicing through people sounds kind of odd.
- [Nobody comes down here unless they want something. And those who want something always think they’re owed.] Why is this line suddenly in present tense?
- A lot of the early paragraphs are just description (his bed, the room, the cereal, etc.) and it kind of dragged a bit. It was more telling than showing, and I didn’t feel immersed.
- There’s a lot of backstory dropping all at once across different life stages, which made it a bit hard to follow. It felt more like a checklist than a buildup.
- When the story finally moves to him stealing the wallet and meeting Marcus, the pacing picks up, but the formatting really made it hard to read. Please add paragraph spacing, I was fighting the text more than following it.
- The sentences feel like they blend into each other, and my eyes kept skimming because it got hard to track. Some of the phrasing was awkward too. I won’t list all of them, but there were quite a few spots.
- That being said, your fight scenes are your strongest writing. The moment fists and knives came out, the quality jumped. You clearly have a good sense of movement and tension. So I’m wondering why not carry that same energy through the rest of the story?
- Instead of dumping all the trauma upfront, maybe reveal it slowly through action. For example, instead of him just sipping his coffee and having flashbacks, maybe switch the coffee to a scene where he’s eating cereal, and it triggers a hallucination—bugs in the bowl, panic, he knocks it over, oat milk splashes on his shoes, and the rust smell reminds him of something from the orphanage. That sort of thing. It’ll be more powerful shown than told (And also a chain of events).
- Right now it feels like you’re listing trauma more than letting us feel it. Use the five senses! You’re clearly capable of it based on how you wrote the fight scenes.
- The sentence flow could use some work. Right now I find myself having to pause after every full stop, and there’s not much connection between sentences. A lot of them feel like fillers or repeated ideas (for example his bruises get mentioned quite a bit).
- The hoodie shows up again in Chapter 1, and it feels like a repeat of an earlier scene. Just something to take note of.
- That said, I think the MC’s emotions are clear and land well, especially in the dialogue sections. Those moments helped cut through the formatting issue.
- Overall, you’ve got a solid idea here, and your action writing stands out. You know your strengths—just work on the formatting, pacing, and making the quieter scenes as vivid as the fights. The story itself is followable, but right now the presentation makes it feel congested and a bit overwhelming to read.

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Yuin, you should take a break, man.
Like, please, this much feedback and reading is unhealthy for you, and btw, good work.

 

[Yuin]

Yuin, you should take a break, man.
Like, please, this much feedback and reading is unhealthy for you, and btw, good work.

Thanks for worrying about me! I just have more time and I got nothing to do (I can’t really play games at work right…) I also promised myself to do two feedbacks per day ?

 

[FirnielMahalayati]

Thanks for worrying about me! I just have more time and I got nothing to do (I can’t really play games at work right…) I also promised myself to do two feedbacks per day ?

Sorry to ask this, but what ‘page’ are you on in terms of this thread? Apologies ‘3

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Thanks for worrying about me! I just have more time and I got nothing to do (I can’t really play games at work right…) I also promised myself to do two feedbacks per day ?

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Thanks for worrying about me! I just have more time and I got nothing to do (I can’t really play games at work right…) I also promised myself to do two feedbacks per day ?

Of course, I have to worry... my feedback is still due, you know.(jk)

 

[Yuin]

Sorry to ask this, but what ‘page’ are you on in terms of this thread? Apologies ‘3

PAGE EIGHT, June 15th post. Yay… I’m making progress!! I should be done with most of it by the end of this month, hopefully ?

Of course, I have to worry... my feedback is still due, you know.(jk)

Hehe, but I must be fair to everyone ?

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

PAGE EIGHT, June 15th post. Yay… I’m making progress!! I should be done with most of it by the end of this month, hopefully ?

Hehe, but I must be fair to everyone ?

Do not dropsies dead~. I still wanties your feedback too~.

 

[Yuin]

Do not dropsies dead~. I still wanties your feedback too~.

Oo~ I didn’t know I was this popular~.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Oo~ I didn’t know I was this popular~.

I feel like this~. Where is my feedback?

 

[Yuin]

Okay I wanna speed things up so pls react to this if you want your story to have feedback asap! I’m gonna skip people and prioritise those who are actively waiting!! (I’m also quite busy this month so I’ll do my best?)

 

[TheBestofSome]

Hmm... I don't usually ask for reviews but sure, why not. I'm curious what you think of the beginning of my story, particularly any weak bits. It has smut, fair warning; if that's something you don't want to review that's perfectly fine. Also, please do prioritize the people who have been actively waiting; I'm not trying to cut in line here.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1281580/what-makes-a-monster/

(Also also, does anyone know how to embed the link instead of having it be just a flat link? Awkward language, I know, but I don't know what it's actually called. Some of the links are just links, like mine, while others include the book cover and the first few lines of the synopsis in a tiny window.)

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Okay I wanna speed things up so pls react to this if you want your story to have feedback asap! I’m gonna skip people and prioritise those who are actively waiting!! (I’m also quite busy this month so I’ll do my best?)

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Hey, if you want, we can swap feedback on our stories. If you are interested, pm me. (because this thread is not ours?.)

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Hey, if you want, we can swap feedback on our stories. If you are interested, pm me. (because this thread is not ours?.)

Nya~?

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Nya~?

bruh, private message me, and pls talk English.
tnks