Very bad free feedback thread.

[Kishi866]

Please check out my book ^^

Age of the New Frontier [Progression Fantasy]

The New Frontier, A supposed land mass beyond the existing world with the potential to completely alter the societal norms of Pangea - the current regimes. Four individuals with intertwined fates set out to explore this land. Each carries their reason for embarking on the audacious expedition...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Para23]

So, I'm bored.
And I think I need to actually read something sometimes to take a break from my writing.
That means, If you're brave enough to post stories here, I will try to read the first chapters of your work (Usually 5 maximum), and give you very janky reviews.
Keep in mind, I am both a bad writer and a bad reader, so be prepared.

I offer mine as tribute
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/912210/the-pawns-game-theatre-of-death/

 

[Kalliel]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

I read the first five chapters.
This one is actually interesting, I can tell that you put a lot of effort into this.
Now, I don't actually have the time to read much anymore because I've started writing, so unfortunately I won't be able to know what would happen next. But I'm sure you would do well.
The only complain I have about your story is how it reads.
Did you translate this from another language? Because it's a bit awkward to read sometimes, mainly because of inconsistent tenses and a lack of ',' and '.'
But that honestly didn't bother me as much as I expected, so it's fine.
And maybe you could consider chopping the paragraphs more, it's easier to read that way.
All in all, pretty good, keep up the good work.

 

[HelloHound]

I read the first five chapters.
This one is actually interesting, I can tell that you put a lot of effort into this.
Now, I don't actually have the time to read much anymore because I've started writing, so unfortunately I won't be able to know what would happen next. But I'm sure you would do well.
The only complain I have about your story is how it reads.
Did you translate this from another language? Because it's a bit awkward to read sometimes, mainly because of inconsistent tenses and a lack of ',' and '.'
But that honestly didn't bother me as much as I expected, so it's fine.
And maybe you could consider chopping the paragraphs more, it's easier to read that way.
All in all, pretty good, keep up the good work.

thanks for reading and yeah I was obsessed with the story before I even started writing, it's kinda a curse and blessing that I hope doesn't leave until I've written "the end".
And I'm a native english speaker, I just got bees in my brain and am bad at editing but I'll keep the breaking of paragraphs in mind! Hopefully there's enough paragraph variation to keep the story from sliding off the attention span (that's an issue I get when reading sometimes rip)

 

[Kalliel]

thanks for reading and yeah I was obsessed with the story before I even started writing, it's kinda a curse and blessing that I hope doesn't leave until I've written "the end".
And I'm a native english speaker, I just got bees in my brain and am bad at editing but I'll keep the breaking of paragraphs in mind! Hopefully there's enough paragraph variation to keep the story from sliding off the attention span (that's an issue I get when reading sometimes rip)

I've noticed throughout my time as a reader.
When I read a really long paragraph, especially on mobile, it's harder to focus on the story because I also need to keep track of which line of text I am on.
But it might just be a me problem, and a skill issue.

 

[HelloHound]

I've noticed throughout my time as a reader.
When I read a really long paragraph, especially on mobile, it's harder to focus on the story because I also need to keep track of which line of text I am on.
But it might just be a me problem, and a skill issue.

fair enough! as soon as I scrounge up some brain cells or kidnap an editor (whichever comes first) I'll be sure to gnaw on my story to make it as readable as possible (aside from chucking my protagonist down the nearest river lmao)
good luck and good focus with your writing btw!

 

[Kalliel]

Thank you for the kind offer!

If that is okay, I would like some feedback: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/860302/a-rats-problems/

I read the first two chapters.
You're pretty good at giving information, I could easily understand what was going on and how the characters were. And, the premise itself is interesting.
Now, I have two main complains about this.
Firstly, there's still some occasional grammar mistakes and missing words that I've noticed. It's passable though.
And secondly, this is not exactly a complain, but I think you should put more tags on your story.
I think a lot of readers would be reluctant to read your story because of its vague description. You ideally want to know what to expect from a story before reading it.
So, just keep writing, and add more tags, good luck.

 

[Rookieqw]

I read the first two chapters.
You're pretty good at giving information, I could easily understand what was going on and how the characters were. And, the premise itself is interesting.
Now, I have two main complains about this.
Firstly, there's still some occasional grammar mistakes and missing words that I've noticed. It's passable though.
And secondly, this is not exactly a complain, but I think you should put more tags on your story.
I think a lot of readers would be reluctant to read your story because of its vague description. You ideally want to know what to expect from a story before reading it.
So, just keep writing, and add more tags, good luck.

Thank you! I have checked both chapters, and I have already found the same sentence I used two times in a row. There are undeniably other mistakes, and I am so sorry about this blunder. Live and learn, but it does feel embarrassing to miss something so obvious)))

About tags, yes, you are right. I was just a bit worried about adding many at the start in order not to deceive a reader, since some of the parts involving them will appear later.

 

[Kalliel]

I'm kinda curious about your "jank" "review" of my current webnovel: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/740799/aura-the-souls-true-nature/

I read the first three chapters.
First thing first, chapter one was interesting, but the timeskip at the end of it felt awkward. It's too sudden, out of nowhere.
And, I lost a lot of interest over the next two chapters.
Basically very little happened. I could even say that it was unnecessarily drawn out.
Just based on the first chapter, I could tell that you can make very interesting fights and action scenes. So maybe focus on that more.

 

[KersenBloemNL]

I read the first three chapters.
First thing first, chapter one was interesting, but the timeskip at the end of it felt awkward. It's too sudden, out of nowhere.
And, I lost a lot of interest over the next two chapters.
Basically very little happened. I could even say that it was unnecessary drawn out.
Just based on the first chapter, I could tell that you can make very interesting fights and action scenes. So maybe focus on that more.

Thanks! It’s a bit of a slow burn at the atart, yeah. But right now, it’s picking up the pace. I’m focusing on more action scenes, actually.

 

[KDBooks97]

Might I throw my hat in the ring?

Warning: Non-explicit violence and mentions of self harm.

The Miserably Macabre Tales of Luna Samuels

'My name is Faith Elizabeth Samuels. Well, it used to be, before I left my fundamentalist helicopter parents and started going by Luna... My counselor tells me writing will help me to 'heal'. Somehow, writing my feelings of depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts will negate a...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Kalliel]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/759475/nameless/
Go for it.

I read the first two chapters.
Now, let's get right onto the goods first.
Your descriptions of things are really good, they read very natural, no drawn out, no crude either.
Mostly good grammar, I could only noticed one or two mistakes.
The main problem I have with this, is that the main character feels weird.
Now, I know that's because of his profession, but that's only introduced in chapter two. When I read the first chapter, I seriously thought that the main character was a robot.
It might turn away a lot of people. Also, would people working in a bar want to just give a random dude a ride for some money...?

Go for it - tear me a new one Daddy Chan......yeah that got ugh real quick lol

Rise of the Lost

Caliban thought he was your typical young western male. Maybe a bit too heavy but nothing major, he smoked but not a lot. Work was merely to pay the bills and he had a bad habit of wasting his money on junk food, booze, women and entertainment. Until one night...

www.scribblehub.com

What in the hell was that abomination.
Now, I read one chapter. And I'm dying already.
Firstly, cut your paragraphs into smaller ones, they're too long. My eyes are going to punch my brain to death by the time I finish your work.
Secondly, your sentences lack a lot of commas and periods. It's janky, really.
Thirdly, put your character's thought in quotation marks, it's confusing.
And finally, you describe too much. I read the whole chapter and I only know that he smoked two cigarettes and tripped once.
You need a lot of edits, basically.

 

[trigger2391]

What in the hell was that abomination.
Now, I read one chapter. And I'm dying already.
Firstly, cut your paragraphs into smaller ones, they're too long. My eyes are going to punch my brain to death by the time I finish your work.
Secondly, your sentences lack a lot of commas and periods. It's janky, really.
Thirdly, put your character's thought in quotation marks, it's confusing.
And finally, you describe too much. I read the whole chapter and I only know that he smoked two cigarettes and tripped once.
You need a lot of edits, basically.

So I can understand the problem a bit better. Are you reading on a mobile/cellular phone, tablet or a pc. Cause I DID cut my paragraphs down to what I thought was an appropriate reading size? Plus here I was thinking that I was under describing everything. Yeah I do admit I gotta get an editor to help smooth out the sentence flow. I am more of a write first edit later kinda author otherwise I get stuck trying to make it perfect and don't write new stuff.

Thanks for the review though. Every bit helps.

 

[Kalliel]

So I can understand the problem a bit better. Are you reading on a mobile/cellular phone, tablet or a pc. Cause I DID cut my paragraphs down to what I thought was an appropriate reading size? Plus here I was thinking that I was under describing everything. Yeah I do admit I gotta get an editor to help smooth out the sentence flow. I am more of a write first edit later kinda author otherwise I get stuck trying to make it perfect and don't write new stuff.

Thanks for the review though. Every bit helps.

Sorry about that rant, I was overdosing on ketamine back then.
To answer your question, I was reading on my laptop. I don't actually know about other readers, but I found it to be really hard on my eyes. I do think that chopping them even more won't do any harm.
And, you are definitely over describing the details.
Your readers don't need to know that much, let them imagine things by themselves, it's one of the joys of reading.

 

[trigger2391]

Ahh right I see the problem. Basically how it looks in the editor is nowhere near what it comes out as when I view my chapters. Ok I’ll make some changes in my writing program and that should help me keep on top of the huge paragraphs

 

[Kamelingil]

Give me a honest review

LEGENDARY: The Omnipotence

(This novel is currently under rewrite) Infinite stories unfolds as the creation of the Fiction Verse and evolves into something revolutionary. This series is an All-in-one Genre, everything can happen, even the things you've dreamed of, even the stories that never existed before, it will...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Kalliel]

Please check out my book ^^

Age of the New Frontier [Progression Fantasy]

The New Frontier, A supposed land mass beyond the existing world with the potential to completely alter the societal norms of Pangea - the current regimes. Four individuals with intertwined fates set out to explore this land. Each carries their reason for embarking on the audacious expedition...

www.scribblehub.com

I read the first chapter.
It was confusing.
Now, your storytelling is fine, I don't have any problem with that. Just, you don't need to make the character names or normal words stand out, we can see them just fine.
Onto the main problem.
The characters don't make sense.
Why did Sunja suddenly decided to attack the main character? He had no reason to, he couldn't get anything out of that, it's not like the main character ate his favorite chocolate cookies or anything.
And, why did the guard suddenly decided to arrest the main character, when he's just trying to leave?
It really was confusing.
Try to think about those questions first, I'd say.

 

[Kalliel]

Might I throw my hat in the ring?

Warning: Non-explicit violence and mentions of self harm.

The Miserably Macabre Tales of Luna Samuels

'My name is Faith Elizabeth Samuels. Well, it used to be, before I left my fundamentalist helicopter parents and started going by Luna... My counselor tells me writing will help me to 'heal'. Somehow, writing my feelings of depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts will negate a...

www.scribblehub.com

I read the first 12? 13? chapters. It was hella interesting. And I mean it.
Normally I would not read stories like this, I prefer more fun and lighthearted stories.
But, this one got me pretty hooked in.
The writing was good, I have no complain.
The characters felt interesting enough, and they did seem very reasonable, or, make sense, I should say.
The flow was pretty good, too.
But maybe try to put some numbers in your chapter titles.
So yeah, keep up the good work!

 

[detroitapollo]

So, I'm bored.
And I think I need to actually read something sometimes to take a break from my writing.
That means, If you're brave enough to post stories here, I will try to read the first chapters of your work (Usually 5 maximum), and give you very janky reviews.
Keep in mind, I am both a bad writer and a bad reader, so be prepared.

Ok. I'm ready for you to make me cry.

The Knight Who Was Too Angry to Die (Shinu Hodo Okotsu ta Kishi)

Amidst the dimly lit tapestry of ancient East Asia, a nameless knight from medieval Europe finds himself torn from the familiarity of his war-torn homeland, thrust into mystic Heian period Japan. A tale that commences in eerie twilight, where history and folklore entwine, and the supernatural...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[KDBooks97]

I read the first 12? 13? chapters. It was hella interesting. And I mean it.
Normally I would not read stories like this, I prefer more fun and lighthearted stories more.
But, this one got me pretty hooked in.
The writing was good, I have no complain.
The characters felt interesting enough, and they did seem very reasonable, or, make sense, I should say.
The flow was pretty good, too.
But maybe try to put some numbers in your chapter titles.
So yeah, keep up the good work!

Thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked it ^-^