[Submissions Closed] Unreliable Feedback v2

[greyblob]

Here is my first novel, thank you in advance.

Esmeria

Raised as a slave in a forsaken realm where time seemed frozen, Regina resigned herself to her fate. Her existence was a stagnant cycle until a mysterious stranger shattered her quiet acceptance. 'Come with me,' the stranger beckoned. Driven by fear and the promise of escape, Regina made a...

www.scribblehub.com

read up to: Chapter 5: Premonition

This was great experience overall. You've got a good grasp on storytelling. The scenes were lively, flowed nicely, and the characters are alive, distinctive, and expressive. Normally I do not read novels with female mcs, but I'd have continued this if I was under different circumstances.

There are a few flaws and decisions that I questioned. Why use colours? Dialogue is already distinctive being written between quotes and thoughts are conventionally italized. I do not see a reason to break conventional formatting.

There are more than a few instances of redundancy.

“My, my… Doesn’t Nian’s behavior seem strange this year? It’s arrived much earlier than usual. Could it be suspicious?” Peng Xian remarked, noting the unusual timing of Nian’s arrival, which typically occurred a month later.

He just hinted he's suspicious. Why does it need to be told again?

Floating dialogues. Please do not use floating dialogues. You can throw any small body language at the end. "...' he sighed/smiled/scratched his head. Also, why separate the speaker from the dialogue?

The 2nd chapter was ill-placed. I was interested in finding out what happened to regina, why did I read a chapter about foreign politics?

Info dumping+ show and tell

The man was Galen, a notorious smuggler specializing in trafficking monsters across continents. He operated in the shadows, catering to the demands of nobles and wealthy merchants on the black market, where profits reaped from the exploitation of both creatures and people knew no bounds.

I get this is a minor character for a minor scene. But this could've been shown in numerous ways while also still keeping me immersed.

“Ouch!” Richard’s gentle bonk on her head interrupted her thoughts, reminding her not to judge a book by its cover.

I wouldn't have inferred that from the bonk alone. But it is not fun to having it spelled out. It could've been shown better and would've been more humorous.

the slime reference was nice; however, unless the slime and the old lady appears somewhere along the lines, it's filler.

 

[daight]

Thank you for your kind feedback! Somehow I have some trouble reading italics from normal font, so I used color to differentiate. I will try to find out and remove more redundancy. The slime reference might be a filler since the character will only appear way down the lines.
I will take note of the floating dialogues too!

I wonder if I should just keep the color for myself and use traditional formatting since there's only 16 chapters now...

 

[greyblob]

Try mine as well!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/474537/the-powershifting-ability-is-convenient-even-in-another-world/

read up to: Chapter 4: Second Sun

I'll start by mentioning that I really do not like jp webnovels or jp-inspired webnovels. So with my bias clear, I'll start.

The best thing in what I read is the characters. They are alive and expressive (even the acoustic mc). It's a fun combination and I'd have liked to read more if it was anything else but jp characters. The anime references were the last straw for me.

The flow of events was also nice. Nothing felt disjointed or out of order and you're good on details.

Now let me mention what I didn't like.

Redundancy seems like a common occurrence in this thread. You're repeating things unnecessarily. There are many examples of this. When the girl looks down and sees lizards and a pack of wolves. The very next paragraph is the boy looking down and also noticing the same thing (repeated word for word for his pov). Latest example is when you narrated about rabid wolves and basilisks then in ch3 she find the book and discovers their name.

The writing quality is not bad. It's fairly good but it lacks flavour. I don't know how to describe it better. It felt like I'm reading something chatgpt would write.

Lastly, the way you handle povs is a bit odd to me. Not sure if that's how omniscient third works or not. I don't read much stuff in that pov.


also why the sentence indentation? feels extra

 

[Boundless]

f

read up to: Chapter 4: Second Sun

I'll start by mentioning that I really do not like jp webnovels or jp-inspired webnovels. So with my bias clear, I'll start.

The best thing in what I read is the characters. They are alive and expressive (even the acoustic mc). It's a fun combination and I'd have liked to read more if it was anything else but jp characters. The anime references were the last straw for me.

The flow of events was also nice. Nothing felt disjointed or out of order and you're good on details.

Now let me mention what I didn't like.

Redundancy seems like a common occurrence in this thread. You're repeating things unnecessarily. There are many examples of this. When the girl looks down and sees lizards and a pack of wolves. The very next paragraph is the boy looking down and also noticing the same thing (repeated word for word for his pov). Latest example is when you narrated about rabid wolves and basilisks then in ch3 she find the book and discovers their name.

The writing quality is not bad. It's fairly good but it lacks flavour. I don't know how to describe it better. It felt like I'm reading something chatgpt would write.

Lastly, the way you handle povs is a bit odd to me. Not sure if that's how omniscient third works or not. I don't read much stuff in that pov.


also why the sentence indentation? feels extra

Thank you for the wonderful constructive criticism! It seems that my writing skills had some flaws regarding to the pov's. I only wrote like that based on the textbook stories and some novels that had 3rd person's pov. can you elaborate further on which part of the story that seems like the 3rd person's pov seems a bit off?

And also, what do you mean by "lacks flavor"? I am a bit confused on that part. What can you suggest to add more flavor on the writing?

 

[greyblob]

f

Thank you for the wonderful constructive criticism! It seems that my writing skills had some flaws regarding to the pov's. I only wrote like that based on the textbook stories and some novels that had 3rd person's pov. can you elaborate further on which part of the story that seems like the 3rd person's pov seems a bit off?

And also, what do you mean by "lacks flavor"? I am a bit confused on that part. What can you suggest to add more flavor on the writing?

I am familiar with third person limited pov. Familiar as in I've read a lot of stuff in that pov. Omniscient third not so much, so I'm not sure if that's how it works or not. I'm used to character actions and thought processes being separated. There's also a clear focus on a character and a clear indication of a change of focus. I remember reading somewhere you were doing X chapters on the girl, X on the boy, etc. why bother with omniscient pov if you're focusing on a single character anyway?


I really don't know how to describe the lacks flavour bit. I just feel like it needs something. A few personal drops of something. A little pazzaz. Or I might just be wrong. Keep in mind that this is just my opinion.

But if you want to add more 'flavour' in general. I'd recommend reading more especially stuff outside of your comfort zone. Experiment with both writing and reading.

 

[Boundless]

I am familiar with third person limited pov. Familiar as in I've read a lot of stuff in that pov. Omniscient third not so much, so I'm not sure if that's how it works or not. I'm used to character actions and thought processes being separated. There's also a clear focus on a character and a clear indication of a change of focus. I remember reading somewhere you were doing X chapters on the girl, X on the boy, etc. why bother with omniscient pov if you're focusing on a single character anyway?


I really don't know how to describe the lacks flavour bit. I just feel like it needs something. A few personal drops of something. A little pazzaz. Or I might just be wrong. Keep in mind that this is just my opinion.

But if you want to add more 'flavour' in general. I'd recommend reading more especially stuff outside of your comfort zone. Experiment with both writing and reading.

Oh, I see. About the POV thing, I planned that the first 20 chapters should be centralized on Reika (the 2nd MC). then the latter chapters 21-40 would be on Soru (the 1st MC). Since there is a multiple protagonist tag, i plan to centralize each MC's while maintaining the omniscient third. If you'd take a glance on chapter 21 onwards, you can see that the story now centralized on Soru. I did it so that there's an in-depth presentation on both MC's,since they are polar opposites.

 

[Director_Kun]

While my story is a Gender Bender it really isn’t the main focus. But still can you check out my story?

Swords & Gunpowder

When the massive online dive multiplayer game shutdown, the players that remained until shutdown weren’t kicked out. However they remained in the game, one small issue their virtual reality was made real and now they have to scrounge for food and fight off enemy hordes who wish for them...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Elmir_Arch-Ham_of_Omega]

Is this still on? Idk about the 5k+ word count requirement, but the entire work in total does go over that amount. Work's in the signature.
(Interlude 1, can be skipped because it's very reference heavy, and it starts ramping up with the faux "LitRPG" after the Interlude.)

 

[greyblob]

Is this still on? Idk about the 5k+ word count requirement, but the entire work in total does go over that amount. Work's in the signature.
(Interlude 1, can be skipped because it's very reference heavy, and it starts ramping up with the faux "LitRPG" after the Interlude.)

add a link. Its still going but i have had no time in a month

 

[Elmir_Arch-Ham_of_Omega]

add a link. Its still going but i have had no time in a month

Oh, sorry. Here it is: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1146797/starchaser-beyond/

 

[RemHydragrove]

Ash and Honey [BL]

Fu Ran is a Peak Master of An Xian Yun Peak. He has been struggling with insomnia ever since he obtained his spiritual weapon, Shi Wei Ji. This silver blade brought with it dreams of the future: nightmares and horrors of his own death. Most of these death’s are...

www.scribblehub.com

I understand you are very busy, so take your time. Even more so considering it is BL and you do not like that. However, no BL elements should be visible for the amount you would most likely read, and I would still love to hear your thoughts!

Thank you for reading over my message!

 

[CharlesEBrown]

I have no idea why, but instead of Girls-love I read Goth girls. What is wrong with me doc?

A terminal case of optimism?

 

[greyblob]

Thank you for your kind offer! This should be a short one for you: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1042505-hordedoom/chapter/1050298/

I failed to create an interesting story, and I would like your opinion as to what exactly sucked, if this is not too much to ask. Don't hold back your words or punches; be as honest as you'd like. I seek to improve and write something that is not bad, so honest feedback can help greatly.

before i start, i have to let you know im not a fan of prologues. so the 6 prologues you have, i did not read. I started for chapter 1.


read up to: Chapter 5: The Males’ Duty

Overwhelming

I know you've been waiting on this for a while so I'll try to be as thorough as I can.

The writing quality is solid. I believe I already got over this in other threads. There are a few small notes though.

Narration and info dumping mid scene. I've seen this a bunch in the later chapters, mid dialogue and mid action scene even. You introduce a theme or a weapon etc and explain it or its origin in the same pragraph.

Dialogue followed by reciever not speaker. This occured a bunch as well. Its not a big deal but is slighlty confusing. When reading dialogue, the first name after is conventionally assosiated with the speaker.

“Should we destroy the structures?” Janine heard Eled’s voice over the communications and saw an image recorded by her lenses.

It's a minor detail but it makes you go 'huh'.

Any issues I had with this novel was not with the writing. The main problem is that it's dense.

You introduced a bunch of characters and utilized and used concepts without explaining what they were. We didn't start from the beginning but were dropped into the middle of an event. I expected things to slowly unravel as the dust settles but I never really got to that point. I skimmed the next few chapters but things hadn't really slowed down so I gave up.

The overall experience was quite overwhelming. New characters, new concepts, new locals, tribes, cultures, politices, etc. all condenced into a handful of chapters with no stops or slow downs.

 

[Rookieqw]

before i start, i have to let you know im not a fan of prologues. so the 6 prologues you have, i did not read. I started for chapter 1.


read up to: Chapter 5: The Males’ Duty

Overwhelming

I know you've been waiting on this for a while so I'll try to be as thorough as I can.

The writing quality is solid. I believe I already got over this in other threads. There are a few small notes though.

Narration and info dumping mid scene. I've seen this a bunch in the later chapters, mid dialogue and mid action scene even. You introduce a theme or a weapon etc and explain it or its origin in the same pragraph.

Dialogue followed by reciever not speaker. This occured a bunch as well. Its not a big deal but is slighlty confusing. When reading dialogue, the first name after is conventionally assosiated with the speaker.

It's a minor detail but it makes you go 'huh'.

Any issues I had with this novel was not with the writing. The main problem is that it's dense.

You introduced a bunch of characters and utilized and used concepts without explaining what they were. We didn't start from the beginning but were dropped into the middle of an event. I expected things to slowly unravel as the dust settles but I never really got to that point. I skimmed the next few chapters but things hadn't really slowed down so I gave up.

The overall experience was quite overwhelming. New characters, new concepts, new locals, tribes, cultures, politices, etc. all condenced into a handful of chapters with no stops or slow downs.

Thank you! I was worried that maybe my novel is complete gibberish in terms of grammar writing (I am not very smart and English is not my native language). But based on the feedback I've received, that doesn't seem to be the case.

So my failure lies in my immaturity of introducing characters and crafting an interesting plot. And too much infodumping. No idea how to tackle these problems; everything seemed logical and in place to me, but my brain works weird. I'll just keep trying to write something good one day.

 

[greyblob]

Thank you! I was worried that maybe my novel is complete gibberish in terms of grammar writing (I am not very smart and English is not my native language). But based on the feedback I've received, that doesn't seem to be the case.

So my failure lies in my immaturity of introducing characters and crafting an interesting plot. And too much infodumping. No idea how to tackle these problems; everything seemed logical and in place to me, but my brain works weird. I'll just keep trying to write something good one day.

stop calling yourself stupid. you're obviously not and it is not healthy.

writing is a craft. you'll get better with practice and reflection. read more. write more. try to analyze as you read. there is no right way in writing. there are conventions yes but it stops there. you don't have to follow any rules. because, really, there are none. Id recommend reading paperback stuff. I can send you a site to pirate them if you'd like. its what I do as I am poor and picky with what I read.

 

[daight]

stop calling yourself stupid. you're obviously not and it is not healthy.

writing is a craft. you'll get better with practice and reflection. read more. write more. try to analyze as you read. there is no right way in writing. there are conventions yes but it stops there. you don't have to follow any rules. because, really, there are none. Id recommend reading paperback stuff. I can send you a site to pirate them if you'd like. its what I do as I am poor and picky with what I read.

greyblob the pirate slime, will you send me the one piece as well?

 

[greyblob]

greyblob the pirate slime, will you send me the one piece as well?

Library Genesis

Library Genesis is a scientific community targeting collection of books on natural science disciplines and engineering.

libgen.is

dont think mods check this thread anyway

 

[daight]

Library Genesis

Library Genesis is a scientific community targeting collection of books on natural science disciplines and engineering.

libgen.is

dont think mods check this thread anyway

Thank you, may you become the pirate king.

 

[RedMoonBlue]

If you have spare time I would like you to rate my work and also if my quality of writing improved or decreased. Thank you
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/644643/paranoia/

 

[slade_lilo]

Hey, would also love to hear your thoughts if this thread is still open, been releasing for 3 weeks (45k words/30 chapters). Thanks. .https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...-time-litrpg-progression-urban-fantasy/stats/