Story feedback request

Talon88.1

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Hey all, looking for feedback on my story.
Only ten chapters in, but I got another 40 chapters on backlog, just going to be dropping those over time.
I know its far from perfect, but always looking to improve.
 

DismaiNaim

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I didn't make it through the second paragraph, sorry.

As a whole, it feels overwritten, like you're trying too hard. I find that whenever I try to write, it doesn't come out well. When I just go for it, it's a lot smoother.
 

Talon88.1

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I didn't make it through the second paragraph, sorry.

As a whole, it feels overwritten, like you're trying too hard. I find that whenever I try to write, it doesn't come out well. When I just go for it, it's a lot smoother.
Fair enough, IDK if its just me, but I didnt write with the intent of trying to make it anything more than descriptions of the setting. Dress the set, you know?
 

FRWriter

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Fair enough, IDK if its just me, but I didnt write with the intent of trying to make it anything more than descriptions of the setting. Dress the set, you know?

Either you are a very skillful writer who has chosen the wrong genre and has no idea what your audience wants, or you overused AI.

I'll still give it a read since Warhammer is really cool... but really nobody wants to read stuff like that. Big words with a very small amount of content. Gotta push through and see what the story is about.
 

Juia_Darkcrest

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I read the first chapter and thought it was fine. You are a little more verbose than many web novels, but it isnt over board.

Honestly I had to check the tags after that chapter, cause it seemed like you were leading up to the mayor taking the techpriest whatever he is to bed instead of making him sleep in the cramped room. (Not everything is smut JD)

I say keep it up, it has the makings of something interesting, though not a world I would normally read.
 

Talon88.1

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I read the first chapter and thought it was fine. You are a little more verbose than many web novels, but it isnt over board.

Honestly I had to check the tags after that chapter, cause it seemed like you were leading up to the mayor taking the techpriest whatever he is to bed instead of making him sleep in the cramped room. (Not everything is smut JD)

I say keep it up, it has the makings of something interesting, though not a world I would normally read.
Thank you! And yeah, looking back I would have toned it down a bit on the end to make it more clear that it wasnt going that direction :D
Either you are a very skillful writer who has chosen the wrong genre and has no idea what your audience wants, or you overused AI.

I'll still give it a read since Warhammer is really cool... but really nobody wants to read stuff like that. Big words with a very small amount of content. Gotta push through and see what the story is about.
IDK if the audience dosnt want detailed descriptions, considering the gothic nature and high details that come out of 40k in general. And I dont use AI, its too stupid to write a novel from what Ive seen of it.
 

empalgepuk

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Let's see.

I do often write long descriptions, but now I'd cut most and distribute them only when the details become relevant.

I'd also simplify most descriptions. If I can describe something in five words, I wouldn't do it in twenty. Maybe ten, but that's only for flavor. I'd avoid anything more.

So, let's apply those principles to your first paragraph:

suggestion said:
The desert sands turned into molten gold in the dying light. Elissa closed the creaking stove door, causing a faint hiss as the escaped heat met the cool evening air. Inside, slices of roasted dustjackal meat sizzled. The aroma mixed with the dry, earthy scent of the small home carved into the rock.

Still long, but easier to read.

First sentence, you don't actually need to describe the dipping sun most of the time, because "molten gold in the dying light" already implied that.

Second sentence is a rearrangement. Still easier to read. When we're talking about a stove, you'd close it by pushing it, not pulling it, unless you're some sort of fire elemental doing the cooking inside the stove lol. That's why you don't tell readers she pushed that, it could be implied.

Third sentence, you don't have to describe it as a "rare treat". Is it relevant later? Will a character notice or say that it's rare later? If yes, good. If not, it's still redundant and irrelevant, might as well not include it.

Fourth sentence is fine as is.

Now apply the same principles to most of your descriptions, and you'd be surprised how many redundant words you could shave off them
 
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