Actually, yours doesn't seem all that bad. I peeked at it, enough to add to reading list and try it soon.
phase 1: what grows in the seedbed of sorrow ~~~ Nothing that makes us human is physical. Everyone knows that, but it’s very little comfort to my soul (...)
www.royalroad.com
This looks like a really good example; again, just skimming to see it, but I'm adding it. Thanks.
I had books that qualified, but no one read them, so I took them down. Now I'm reposting at AO3.
Share the links with me if you don't mind, once they are re-posted.
Cait just got hit by a truck. The truck didn't make it. Yesterday, she was just a (more or less) regular girl who had never had a problem that wasn't her own fault. Now she might be the toughest thing on the planet, but in a world that seems like...
www.scribblehub.com
I'm the greatest author who ever lived, proof is above.
Cocky, but worth a look... and don't take that phrase out of context.
I can recommend you some published novels if thats somrthing youre interested in
You mean the ones on paid platforms? It's not that stuff on KDP is off limits for me, but I am broke af, and that means, when I do get to those listings, it will be when I'm truly out of content to absorb.
This narrative structure is poor, not because of the use of passive voice, but because of the use of exposition to explain the situation. Saying, *it (the room) was empty; the dungeon wasn't dangerous* is telling. It's the narrator's voice to summarize the scene.
It's fine if the author writes it at the end of the scene as a summary. But if the narration is written while the scene is happening, it becomes noise.
It breaks the reader's immersion by creating a cold distance where the reader is removed from the scene (who is supposed to experience the scene—interpreting the narrative) and becomes a passive observer outside the scene (who receives the final information from the narrator).
TLDR; weak writing is still weak writing. Miscategorized or not, call it what you will, the immersion break like this is something I see a little too often. Lots of people actually have decent plots and just need to brush up the structure.
