Puppet's Feedback Thread (pay with comments)

[TheMonotonePuppet]

What I'm saying is that you should offer a reward for your services. Maybe some free publicity or some editing help. I haven't read your fiction so I have no clue whether it is good or bad.

Like, more than commenting on and checking out my story? Ummm... I can start a new thread after this one with payment of recommending my story on their page?
Or payment to them for reviewing their story?

 

[Representing_Tromba]

Like, more than commenting on and checking out my story? Ummm... I can start a new thread after this one with payment of recommending my story on their page?
Or payment to them for reviewing their story?

I was just antagonizing you. You don't actually have to do that. Most people are just glad that someone is reading their story.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

I was just antagonizing you. You don't actually have to do that. Most people are just glad that someone is reading their story.

BenPaul strikes again.

 

[Representing_Tromba]

BenPaul strikes again.

Ben has had only a bit of influence on me. I just happen to be a bit of a dick at times. I apologize, and do not wish to be a dick.

 

[LunaSoltaer]

I never knew what purple sadface numbers are until you told me. Very berry scary!
Also, thank you for your comments! Once I do Ellie Porter's feedback and praise, do you want for your story?

If you'd like.

I just got a new drop recently so im shy.

If you're going to, be warned my book is Not Happy. It has its moments, but it loves to kick the MC.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Here's mine:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/412563/-girls/

First! Feedback!

Themes and plot: the thing that stands out to me the most, of the entire story, is how reduced the characters and plot is reduced to rom-com basics. The characters have a formulaic relationship based on the classic rich girl, the classic shut-in girl, and the classic average girl. Everything is very surface level, with a focus on - to put it crudely - boobs, boys, and bucks. What the characters focus on could not be less serious, particularly in the manner that the story actually covers them. Many responses in dialogue feel like replicas of anime, without anything additional to flavor them, and set the characters apart from them. It's not good. I believe that this story is salvageable with a spin on the writing, but it will change the tone of the story drastically. At the moment it will fail to attract readers looking for good writing, which is most of them. The big thing that could save the story from mediocrity would be turning this story into a psychological story, making it far darker by illustrating the complex dynamics of a group of hyper-focused-on-beauty-and-shape friends with mindsets that are incredibly toxic and shallow.

Second! Praise!

Grammar is pretty solid, and descriptions aren't lacking, even if they are focused on the chest and set aside in dumps after introduction. There are a few word choices that don't work, missing hyphen and commas, among other things, but otherwise, grammar is pretty spot on.

Do you want a full-on review and rating in-story?

 

[Little-Moon]

The small red number addiction....I get it.

I'd be happy to read your story, and comment a plenty. For me comments and feedback are more then welcome, a rating would make me very happy, for a review it might be a bit early into to story.

Ninetails

 

[Ellieporter]

First! Feedback!

Themes and plot: the thing that stands out to me the most, of the entire story, is how reduced the characters and plot is reduced to rom-com basics. The characters have a formulaic relationship based on the classic rich girl, the classic shut-in girl, and the classic average girl. Everything is very surface level, with a focus on - to put it crudely - boobs, boys, and bucks. What the characters focus on could not be less serious, particularly in the manner that the story actually covers them. Many responses in dialogue feel like replicas of anime, without anything additional to flavor them, and set the characters apart from them. It's not good. I believe that this story is salvageable with a spin on the writing, but it will change the tone of the story drastically. At the moment it will fail to attract readers looking for good writing, which is most of them. The big thing that could save the story from mediocrity would be turning this story into a psychological story, making it far darker by illustrating the complex dynamics of a group of hyper-focused-on-beauty-and-shape friends with mindsets that are incredibly toxic and shallow.

Second! Praise!

Grammar is pretty solid, and descriptions aren't lacking, even if they are focused on the chest and set aside in dumps after introduction. There are a few word choices that don't work, missing hyphen and commas, among other things, but otherwise, grammar is pretty spot on.

Do you want a full-on review and rating in-story?

Nah, this is good.

Yeah, it fail to attracts readers since its mostly an SOL about 3 friends clowning around during summer...

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

well here goes. I will check your story tonight. hope you enjoy reading my novel. https://www.scribblehub.com/read/622748-transmigrated-as-a-villans-older-brother/chapter/623841/

I checked out the prologue! After a veeeeeeeeeery long time, I'm back to give feedback. I was more than a little put-off after ElliePorter never checked out my story and gave me comments after going over her story and giving analysis. But I'm here and putting my trust out once more that an online quid pro quo relationship is going to work.
I think that it wouldn't hurt continuing the story as an experiment. If you feel you have been improving your writing craft making this fiction, using this story to experiment and grow as a writer is great! Hopefully this is great for earning you more experience.
If you want to do it seriously though, I would recommend, like for ElliePorter, sitting down and rewriting it.
Capitalization of names, professions, etc., is really inconsistent. Oftentimes forgotten is also the punctuation. There are missing commas and periods. Dialogue must have punctuation.
Characterization: All in all, the characters have very little personality beyond the basic Sci-Fi origin story that has been boiled down to its absolute essence. For example, the generals are exact copies of every grumpy general who is impatient and evilly impatient, pushing the experiments faster and such. Dr. Hector is the distinguished doctor falling into insanity after losing his wife, not taking care of his son until it's too late. B-1X is the innocent, emotionally-stunted clone with an attachment to the doctor, an unwitting replacement for the man's son and a brutal killer because he is a machine. Quite honestly, every single character comes off as incredibly cheesy, Golden-Age characters. The villains are evil and sinister, with monocles or demented personalities. The good guys are good, bound by love. Nothing much beyond that. I would recommend @Story_Marc and his videos on virtually every subject of writing. He has an exhaustive list which will certainly help supplement. Perhaps reading more, analyzing how professional writers write their characters. What little touches do they add to change from 1-D to 3-D? What clothing or influences on their looks do they make? Or, if you want to keep your characters as is, make it a parody of B-list Sci-Fi movies! Check out comedy and how to work that into your story.
Environments: feels rote, dim, and black, interrupted by a bunch of huge machinery and elaborate riches for the villain. One note: the style of storytelling matters for scenery. Instead of saying a sinister glint is found within the eyes of a villain, which tells nothing about the villain beyond "he's evil," you can instead say something like (not for any specific parts of the story, just for an example) "The calculating bureaucrat drolly analyzed the results, only for his eyes to alight upon exactly what he hoped to find within the experiment. A dragon's avarice promptly lit his bored demeanor aflame. He leaned in closer, a smirk breaking his normal mask of neutrality like a crack across concrete." Admittedly, the prose of this example is a little bit purple, but something along those lines would be far intriguing and interesting for the reader to read.

 

[Seaspecter]

 

[ManwX]

I checked out the prologue! After a veeeeeeeeeery long time, I'm back to give feedback. I was more than a little put-off after ElliePorter never checked out my story and gave me comments after going over her story and giving analysis. But I'm here and putting my trust out once more that an online quid pro quo relationship is going to work.
I think that it wouldn't hurt continuing the story as an experiment. If you feel you have been improving your writing craft making this fiction, using this story to experiment and grow as a writer is great! Hopefully this is great for earning you more experience.
If you want to do it seriously though, I would recommend, like for ElliePorter, sitting down and rewriting it.
Capitalization of names, professions, etc., is really inconsistent. Oftentimes forgotten is also the punctuation. There are missing commas and periods. Dialogue must have punctuation.
Characterization: All in all, the characters have very little personality beyond the basic Sci-Fi origin story that has been boiled down to its absolute essence. For example, the generals are exact copies of every grumpy general who is impatient and evilly impatient, pushing the experiments faster and such. Dr. Hector is the distinguished doctor falling into insanity after losing his wife, not taking care of his son until it's too late. B-1X is the innocent, emotionally-stunted clone with an attachment to the doctor, an unwitting replacement for the man's son and a brutal killer because he is a machine. Quite honestly, every single character comes off as incredibly cheesy, Golden-Age characters. The villains are evil and sinister, with monocles or demented personalities. The good guys are good, bound by love. Nothing much beyond that. I would recommend @Story_Marc and his videos on virtually every subject of writing. He has an exhaustive list which will certainly help supplement. Perhaps reading more, analyzing how professional writers write their characters. What little touches do they add to change from 1-D to 3-D? What clothing or influences on their looks do they make? Or, if you want to keep your characters as is, make it a parody of B-list Sci-Fi movies! Check out comedy and how to work that into your story.
Environments: feels rote, dim, and black, interrupted by a bunch of huge machinery and elaborate riches for the villain. One note: the style of storytelling matters for scenery. Instead of saying a sinister glint is found within the eyes of a villain, which tells nothing about the villain beyond "he's evil," you can instead say something like (not for any specific parts of the story, just for an example) "The calculating bureaucrat drolly analyzed the results, only for his eyes to alight upon exactly what he hoped to find within the experiment. A dragon's avarice promptly lit his bored demeanor aflame. He leaned in closer, a smirk breaking his normal mask of neutrality like a crack across concrete." Admittedly, the prose of this example is a little bit purple, but something along those lines would be far intriguing and interesting for the reader to read.

I respectfully disagree. I understand where your coming from but in the third chapter, the general has developed as well as the other characters. the judgment of character is very subjective here. I mean the general is not even evil tbh. he is just using the organization for his own goal. The funny thing is nobody is evil. even the organization itself. The circumstances are just portrayed that it feels like it's evil but nope. it's a future setup so i didn't explain much. I just left hints. I won't go into details on characters that hardly impact the story further on. I could have done the bland prologue without any explanation but I didn't. thanks anyway for giving your impressions though. ill check out your story

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

I respectfully disagree. I understand where your coming from but in the third chapter, the general has developed as well as the other characters. the judgment of character is very subjective here. I mean the general is not even evil tbh. he is just using the organization for his own goal. The funny thing is nobody is evil. even the organization itself. The circumstances are just portrayed that it feels like it's evil but nope. it's a future setup so i didn't explain much. I just left hints. I won't go into details on characters that hardly impact the story further on. I could have done the bland prologue without any explanation but I didn't. thanks anyway for giving your impressions though.

Totally fine that you respectfully disagree.
I'm just saying that the judgement of character just based off of the comically evil everything is going to lean towards a B-list sci-fi movie. I am well aware that nobody is evil, even the organization, but the story line is so rote and overdone that it comes off as really generic.
I never said that you needed to do the bland prologue without any explanation. You simply did very awkward sounding exposition. There are better ways to introduce exposition rather than as free-floating paragraphs of background history wholly unconnected to the current action of the plot.
The characters, no matter how far you take them (unless this is a parody) start off with a very generic trope.
I apologize if this is harsh.

 

[RepresentingPride]

Here my story if you want to do feedback/review/rating.

Crystal Evolution

For months, Kieran's nights have been tormented by relentless nightmares. Every time he closes his eyes, he is thrust into a nightmarish realm where a brutal and bloody battle unfolds between countless races and an onslaught of infinite beasts. Amidst the chaos is a mysterious figure, a woman...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[LunaSoltaer]

Puppet threeeead owo

I legit forgot you were doing this and holy crap i was am am still shy as $#@!

 

[Bartun]

I can't believe I missed this

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

The small red number addiction....I get it.

I'd be happy to read your story, and comment a plenty. For me comments and feedback are more then welcome, a rating would make me very happy, for a review it might be a bit early into to story.

Ninetails

I really appreciate your comments on my fiction! You've waited very patiently. My bad for taking so long.
I don't think that the most recent two have thought my feedback to them of any importance, which... is kind of sad. So if you notice something provocative in the way I have phrased things, feel free to let me know!
Don't be discouraged that the constructive criticism is longer than the compliments! It pretty much always is. Multiple things just make it inherently grow greater in size than the compliments.

Constructive Criticism:
Grammar/Descriptions: There are a few punctuation mistakes. Semi-colons are certainly effective where you use them (in other words, you use them correctly) but often, periods would both suffice and be better. Most of the sentences would do well split up as separate sentences. For example, "His eyes widened, a child." would likely be better as "His eyes widened." Separate line (press enter) "A child." And you can elaborate further on the sentences, now that you have a bit more run time, so to speak, with 2 sentences instead of 1. Something that would give a better grasp of the environment and allow you to reveal characteristics of the character more naturally than just putting a character description in (you do putting a character description in fairly well, so don't feel discouraged! You're doing great!). I would elaborate on this sentence like this "His eyes widened, the surprise straining the old gunshot wound that had ripped through half of his face in a wince-worthy manner." "A child, of all things, out here in the war." It would both emphasize the surprise and allow you to introduce his scars and how they impact his daily life. Though there are some missing commas too, like "She explained chillingly neutral." Don't forget 'em! Misspellings (I feel tempted to misspell Misspellings just 'cause it'd be real funny)-"; I am second centurys old." should be "; I am two centuries old." "dreadfull" is supposed to be "dreadful" Anyway, there are some variance of these issues throughout the three chapters (Prologue- Chapter 2)
Flow/Narrative: I feel like we could have more personal narrative and growth from Tallu? I really want to know more about her, and about her journey from that 2-century old shivering little ball of fluff to a powerful civilian of sorcery. Makes me as the reader feel kind of left out. All in all, you've switched quite cohesively from moment to moment, and the chapters make sense split apart as they are. You just need to detail the events and beautiful moments from first meeting her and getting in her the exam. However, it doesn't need to be immediate. If you feel you want to take on a challenge, intersperse the past as makes sense (not through exposition just dropped in, but revealed depending on the current events, all tied together neatly) as you build your narrative. Still need more to flesh it out, but it creates a sense of mystery and intrigue, rather than action. Depends on the story you are wanting.
Characters: As of right now, we have more personality of a side POV rather than the MC. It's great personality for all of them. It just needs more to make the readers attached to all characters.

Compliments:
Premise: it is a unique and an innovative take on the nine-tales. The lustiness, nine tails, common dalliances with humans and foxes alike, etc. that are all common features of myths surrounding on the nine-tailed foxes. I love the idea of using dimensional shenanigans or something magical (I'm not sure what it is) that makes it so they can actually physically handle all of the tails
Characters: What we have of all the characters is wonderful and makes me like all of them. Though they may feel like they need to be fleshed out, they all have their idiosyncrasies and sympathetic moments. Doesn't feel overly tropey. Make sure to take care when doing immortals! So far (for the first three chapters I read) you're doing pretty well! You are actually not overlooking it and its effect on personality as many first-time writers tend to do, but make sure to keep hammering that home and you're golden!
World: Oh my gosh! Is it a language other than English that has actual plot relevance as a natural aside? On SH? Call the reporters PRONTO! Shock aside, I love that you actually included something other than English as the base language of the MC we first meet. Very pleasant surprise!

I'll give a rating after you make any changes that you want to make. Just let me know if you have made any changes and I will read back through the first three chapters and comment.

 

[Little-Moon]

I really appreciate your comments on my fiction! You've waited very patiently. My bad for taking so long.
I don't think that the most recent two have thought my feedback to them of any importance, which... is kind of sad. So if you notice something provocative in the way I have phrased things, feel free to let me know!
Don't be discouraged that the constructive criticism is longer than the compliments! It pretty much always is. Multiple things just make it inherently grow greater in size than the compliments.

Constructive Criticism:
Grammar/Descriptions: There are a few punctuation mistakes. Semi-colons are certainly effective where you use them (in other words, you use them correctly) but often, periods would both suffice and be better. Most of the sentences would do well split up as separate sentences. For example, "His eyes widened, a child." would likely be better as "His eyes widened." Separate line (press enter) "A child." And you can elaborate further on the sentences, now that you have a bit more run time, so to speak, with 2 sentences instead of 1. Something that would give a better grasp of the environment and allow you to reveal characteristics of the character more naturally than just putting a character description in (you do putting a character description in fairly well, so don't feel discouraged! You're doing great!). I would elaborate on this sentence like this "His eyes widened, the surprise straining the old gunshot wound that had ripped through half of his face in a wince-worthy manner." "A child, of all things, out here in the war." It would both emphasize the surprise and allow you to introduce his scars and how they impact his daily life. Though there are some missing commas too, like "She explained chillingly neutral." Don't forget 'em! Misspellings (I feel tempted to misspell Misspellings just 'cause it'd be real funny)-"; I am second centurys old." should be "; I am two centuries old." "dreadfull" is supposed to be "dreadful" Anyway, there are some variance of these issues throughout the three chapters (Prologue- Chapter 2)
Flow/Narrative: I feel like we could have more personal narrative and growth from Tallu? I really want to know more about her, and about her journey from that 2-century old shivering little ball of fluff to a powerful civilian of sorcery. Makes me as the reader feel kind of left out. All in all, you've switched quite cohesively from moment to moment, and the chapters make sense split apart as they are. You just need to detail the events and beautiful moments from first meeting her and getting in her the exam. However, it doesn't need to be immediate. If you feel you want to take on a challenge, intersperse the past as makes sense (not through exposition just dropped in, but revealed depending on the current events, all tied together neatly) as you build your narrative. Still need more to flesh it out, but it creates a sense of mystery and intrigue, rather than action. Depends on the story you are wanting.
Characters: As of right now, we have more personality of a side POV rather than the MC. It's great personality for all of them. It just needs more to make the readers attached to all characters.

Compliments:
Premise: it is a unique and an innovative take on the nine-tales. The lustiness, nine tails, common dalliances with humans and foxes alike, etc. that are all common features of myths surrounding on the nine-tailed foxes. I love the idea of using dimensional shenanigans or something magical (I'm not sure what it is) that makes it so they can actually physically handle all of the tails
Characters: What we have of all the characters is wonderful and makes me like all of them. Though they may feel like they need to be fleshed out, they all have their idiosyncrasies and sympathetic moments. Doesn't feel overly tropey. Make sure to take care when doing immortals! So far (for the first three chapters I read) you're doing pretty well! You are actually not overlooking it and its effect on personality as many first-time writers tend to do, but make sure to keep hammering that home and you're golden!
World: Oh my gosh! Is it a language other than English that has actual plot relevance as a natural aside? On SH? Call the reporters PRONTO! Shock aside, I love that you actually included something other than English as the base language of the MC we first meet. Very pleasant surprise!

I'll give a rating after you make any changes that you want to make. Just let me know if you have made any changes and I will read back through the first three chapters and comment.

Thank you very much for the Criticism.

It's very helpful. Don't worry, I couldn't find anything provocative, none there in my eyes. I'll try to implement what you told me as well as possible; considering what you wrote, I may rewrite a few chapters and put in more of Tallus and the other's backstories and the why's and how's in. Even though I cannot go all too much into detail without redoing a lot of things later on. As for the spelling and the grammar, well.....I try to keep it correct or let the software do the correcting on as many things as possible, but I'll probably never be as proficient as a native at it; the things you pointed out to watch more will be a few things I will re-read a few more times now.

I am doing my best to keep the effect of immortality well portrayed throughout the story, although it has been a challenge hammering that home until now; I'm pretty sure I slipped a few times later on. Happy you like the premise though was a bit unsure about it. I love nine-tail and kitsune stories, but I always wondered how they even learn how to handle their tails, so it came to be.
Small hint though, not sure if this is the best place to drop this but I will do so anyway. Yes dimensional shenanigans are a thing (I will not go into detail) and a matter of fact is, while foxes actively initiate the exam they actually don't know what their test includes, since it's individual, meaning they walk into it knowing something will happen, but not what will happen to them.

As for the background, yes I am attempting the challenge of implementing the past of Tallu and other Character throughout the story. It felt...right, I guess, with the flow of how things evolve later on.

Wait a sec...? It plays in a parallel world of ours; I got Cordoba and places like the Himalayan Mountains and Alexandria in it. Isn't it a requirement that there are other languages involved?..... Wait, Nevermind probably just mentally wandering off.....I will definitely tell you once I have made the changes; it might need a while until I have time to get back to it since IRL stuff is demanding attention; I will attempt to give some more comments once I have some time to your story too, until now I haven't come around it as much as I actually wanted to.
I hope you are okay with it if I need a while.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Here my story if you want to do feedback/review/rating.

Crystal Evolution

For months, Kieran's nights have been tormented by relentless nightmares. Every time he closes his eyes, he is thrust into a nightmarish realm where a brutal and bloody battle unfolds between countless races and an onslaught of infinite beasts. Amidst the chaos is a mysterious figure, a woman...

www.scribblehub.com

Has a lot of potential in narrative, but suffers on flow, grammar, and description.
I am personally biased. I enjoy the stories that have future knowledge.

Flow/Grammar: One of the things I struggle with, which people who have gone through to edit my fiction "Charisma" have said A LOT, is to not use specific measurements, period. Don't do it. Whether it is time (1 hour, 7 seconds, 15 minutes, etc.), height/length (1.80 meters, 15 meters, 20 miles, 1 foot, etc.) weight (I think you get it by now), DON'T use numerical measurements. Be unspecific. Now, there are, obviously, exceptions. Do numerical measurements when doing something from the perspective of a scientist doing an experiment or an engineer building something - something along those lines - and you can increase immersion.
Tenses are a bit weird in the story. Feels like you aren't actually in the story. Almost like you are an outsider rather than actually in the story, because it is all unconnected to the characters. For example, "Kieran could sense in the young woman's voice that she was filled with concern for him even though he couldn't see any features of her face.
"There’s nothing we can do now that he’s starting to cross the rift. Leaving won’t help. I’m not going to leave you here!"
He suddenly felt an immense rage invading his whole body." I'm not sure what it's called though.
Using "that" as your main transition word is a bad idea (I can't tell you how many times my teachers had to drill that inside my head *sobbing noises*). It makes things monotonous. Always try to replace "that" with a more apt transition word. On top of that, you need far more transition words to smooth out your sentence structure (look up a list of transition words. Should pull up something helpful).
Descriptions: As of right now, you have a good summarization of what everything looks like, but there is little to no immersion. What do the spatial rifts look like? What would you compare the pillar of lightning to? Comparisons subtly impact what readers view something. For example, here is one scene where I have described lightning is a nascent story that I trashed, called Blood, Bone, and Bile. "She activated her talent at the sudden thought, the green magic of Decay zig-zagging around her arm, snapping at the air like an electric bulldog." I don't even include the word lightning, as it was unnecessary. And it creates a wholly unique image within the mind of the reader. This type of description can be applied to virtually every description, from the dragon to the magic (such as the transformations). You need to give them more depth. Also, when you covering something of such remarkable vastness as the dragon, putting only a couple sentences of rather small import in the reader's mind, relying on words as puny as "giant" to really make the reader in awe of the size just doesn't work. Here is an example of how I would tackle these things (while trying to stay faithful to what you originally had): A spatial rift, one of many, suddenly and horrifyingly grew to awe-inspiring proportions, glistening reality bubbling at its edges like a vast eye closed to the carnage below, yet weeping nonetheless. Two obscenely large, clawed hands, so huge that they could eclipse the sun on their own, pushed out of the monstrosity of the rift, pressing on each side of the spatial rift to enlarge it.
The sound of shattering glass shook the whole plain when a serpentine head of equally hope-crushing proportions filled the sky with its cruel and bared grin, as it slowly, contentedly, emerged from the rent in the sky. Silver scales coated it like grains of sand, yet each scale is better than any tank. Seeing this monstrosity appear in the sky above the plain, the faces of all races darken, and a feeling of despair fills each of them at this sight.
Hope this helps!
Thanks for posting your story here for feedback of the puppet!

 

[RepresentingPride]

Has a lot of potential in narrative, but suffers on flow, grammar, and description.
I am personally biased. I enjoy the stories that have future knowledge.

Flow/Grammar: One of the things I struggle with, which people who have gone through to edit my fiction "Charisma" have said A LOT, is to not use specific measurements, period. Don't do it. Whether it is time (1 hour, 7 seconds, 15 minutes, etc.), height/length (1.80 meters, 15 meters, 20 miles, 1 foot, etc.) weight (I think you get it by now), DON'T use numerical measurements. Be unspecific. Now, there are, obviously, exceptions. Do numerical measurements when doing something from the perspective of a scientist doing an experiment or an engineer building something - something along those lines - and you can increase immersion.
Tenses are a bit weird in the story. Feels like you aren't actually in the story. Almost like you are an outsider rather than actually in the story, because it is all unconnected to the characters. For example, "Kieran could sense in the young woman's voice that she was filled with concern for him even though he couldn't see any features of her face.
"There’s nothing we can do now that he’s starting to cross the rift. Leaving won’t help. I’m not going to leave you here!"
He suddenly felt an immense rage invading his whole body." I'm not sure what it's called though.
Using "that" as your main transition word is a bad idea (I can't tell you how many times my teachers had to drill that inside my head *sobbing noises*). It makes things monotonous. Always try to replace "that" with a more apt transition word. On top of that, you need far more transition words to smooth out your sentence structure (look up a list of transition words. Should pull up something helpful).
Descriptions: As of right now, you have a good summarization of what everything looks like, but there is little to no immersion. What do the spatial rifts look like? What would you compare the pillar of lightning to? Comparisons subtly impact what readers view something. For example, here is one scene where I have described lightning is a nascent story that I trashed, called Blood, Bone, and Bile. "She activated her talent at the sudden thought, the green magic of Decay zig-zagging around her arm, snapping at the air like an electric bulldog." I don't even include the word lightning, as it was unnecessary. And it creates a wholly unique image within the mind of the reader. This type of description can be applied to virtually every description, from the dragon to the magic (such as the transformations). You need to give them more depth. Also, when you covering something of such remarkable vastness as the dragon, putting only a couple sentences of rather small import in the reader's mind, relying on words as puny as "giant" to really make the reader in awe of the size just doesn't work. Here is an example of how I would tackle these things (while trying to stay faithful to what you originally had): A spatial rift, one of many, suddenly and horrifyingly grew to awe-inspiring proportions, glistening reality bubbling at its edges like a vast eye closed to the carnage below, yet weeping nonetheless. Two obscenely large, clawed hands, so huge that they could eclipse the sun on their own, pushed out of the monstrosity of the rift, pressing on each side of the spatial rift to enlarge it.
The sound of shattering glass shook the whole plain when a serpentine head of equally hope-crushing proportions filled the sky with its cruel and bared grin, as it slowly, contentedly, emerged from the rent in the sky. Silver scales coated it like grains of sand, yet each scale is better than any tank. Seeing this monstrosity appear in the sky above the plain, the faces of all races darken, and a feeling of despair fills each of them at this sight.
Hope this helps!
Thanks for posting your story here for feedback of the puppet!

Thanks for the feedback. I don't know if you have read the synopsis, but there I said that it's my first time writing a story, and English is not my first language, which may be why I have problems with the flow/grammar. Also, the chapters already released were from months ago, I don't know if I've made some improvement since then, but I think I write more detail now(maybe?), and as you said, I should stop using numerical measurements.
For the part when it felt like an outsider, I wanted to show that he was inside his dream but couldn't control anything, even his emotions. I should have added more detail in the dragon at that time, but the rift in itself is described in a few chapters when he crosses through one.
Thanks for the feedback. I will try to improve on those points.


Edit : I've tried to change the description a bit for the dragon and the pillar (that can be a bit weird since it's different from the rest of the chapter)
Here what I added : A deep sigh came from the young man. Electric arcs formed close to him. The sky seemed to darken suddenly, and dark clouds merged when a pillar of lightning resembling a celestial spear that would bring a divine judgment upon this plain seemed to pierce the heavens, its brilliance illuminating the sea of beasts below. The pillar struck the ground with a thunderous impact, unleashing a cataclysmic explosion that rippled across the vast plain, killing thousands of beasts.

And for the dragon : The sound of shattering glass shook the whole plain when a colossal dragon’s head filled with silver scales slowly emerged from it, eclipsing the sun. Seeing this monstrosity appear in the sky above the plain, the faces of all races darken, and a feeling of despair fills each of them at this sight.

I don't really describe the dragon since he just suppose to appear briefly and we didn't see his whole body.

 

[LunaSoltaer]

Hehe, Puppet has good feedback.

She found some inanity in my prologue which I polished up a bit, and that was really helpful.

Also red numbers nom nom nom