Puppet's Feedback Thread (pay with comments)

[TheKillingAlice]

Best of luck!! the cover looks pretty!

Thank you!

 

[Slays_The_Crusader]

So, I have something to confess. I am addicted... to the little red notifications of SH comments.
So! *claps hands*
Post one of your fictions below, and I will do four things (each is skippable. Just let me know your preferences along with the signature, link, or title name of your fiction): 1. provide feedback and praise in this thread, though I may just limit it to feedback or to praise if it needs major help or I can't offer any help because it's too airtight and good; 2. provide a review on the page of your fiction; 3. provide a rating on the page of your fiction; and 4. comment on all of the chapters I read.
In return, as payment, please read a chapter or two of my story (or more chapters if you like it!) and gimme those sweet, sweet notifications by commenting and/or posting a review.

Charisma

I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...

www.scribblehub.com

A Merc’s Guide to Mercing

Ah, being a Mercenary, it's like being a soldier except more fun, and you don't have to care about silly things like 'not blowing up a children's hospital' Follow a team of ten totally unprofessional soldiers of fortune as people throw money at them to solve tasks that range from...

www.scribblehub.com

Hello, please read my story and do whatever you want with it. Do not hold back under any circumstances, thank you.
Also, I've read part of your story, I think it's pretty good so far, then again I haven't read that much of it.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia

Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia is a magical adventure that takes Amalia from the non-magical world of Elca to the magical Lita. When a dark curse crosses the boundaries between worlds and impacts Amalia's village, she learns that the curse is looking for her. The only way to stop...

www.scribblehub.com

I've only recently joined so I haven't dived into anyone else's stories quite yet but I will definitely give yours a look in exchange for a look at mine :) Up until now, I've kept this story pretty heavily under wraps because I'm not confident on it at all... but I decided I'll never know if I don't put it out there.

Hello, hello! Thanks for waiting patiently! Also, random question that I ask anyone who references tea: what's your favorite tea? Ginger peach tea is mine. Aaaaanyway! I'm here for complimenting and criticizing (hopefully constructively... crossing fingers it helps!), so let's get started!

I got nothing but compliments for the prologue! The flow is done really well, in that you have the sentences spaced accordingly, with the appropriate breaks necessary, to create the right emphasis in the reader's mind. The blind loyalty of the retainer is quite nice (though be warned that online web people are more cynical than the audience this is likely for), and she is hit appropriately hard by the death of her king and queen. I almost feel like maybe the king and queen, who don't have as much description as I prefer, should be kept as is. So if someone brings it up, just know that I vote against it. The simplicity and focus on the death, the baby, and the escape are the prologue's biggest strengths! So as much as there is the niggling feeling of needing more description for the characters, I think you did GREAT on that!

Chapter 1
Be warned! Your grammar and foundation of writing is SUPER sturdy and well-done. There isn't much I can do on that part. Most of this, if not all, will be advice on flow, plot, direction of story, and asking questions on the intended personalities of the characters (more nitty-gritty nitpicking than anything that must be changed). So... uh, you are the author! This is less an editing feedback like I did with most of them, and more of a beta-reading feedback. Use or trash however much you want to (and expect to do so as well. Everyone has different tones they intend, so don't feel pressured!), as there will be a wee bit of subjective bent to my advice! Cheers!
"As if to break the pattern, a deep purple leaf zipped by, swept up by an autumn breeze for an unknown and new destination. The young woman watched it until it was out of sight before jumping down from her perch in the leaf-shedding tree." The transition between the two sentences is awkward. This woman has, after all, never been referenced, so why would it be "The..."? I would recommend using this as the appropriate place to separate into two paragraphs, to improve flow. After that, it probably bother the reader less if the second sentence was edited to account for/take advantage of the surprise they'll get that a young woman is suddenly being referenced in this idyllic scene. Example of second sentence edit: "A young woman, silently blending into the background, watched it until it was out of sight before jumping down from her perch in the leaf-shedding tree."
"Her mother hated it when she was out in the forest, it was unbecoming a lady and neglecting her studies, she would say." If I remember correctly, it should be rewritten as "Her mother hated it when she was out in the forest.
"It was unbecoming a lady and neglecting her studies", she would say." Please feel free to check out this site and others https://blog.reedsy.com/guide/how-to-write-dialogue/dialogue-rules-punctuation/ to double-check me (it gets a little confusing for me, so you might come to a different conclusion than I did), but I believe that's part of the grammar rules, starting a new sentence and paragraph with the introduction of dialogue, and putting a sentence fragment in quotations with that comma on the outside.
The merchant is oddly faceless and I don't know how her voice sounds. Is this intentional? If it is, then maybe lay a bunch of hints, obvious and subtle, that this is supernatural or whatever is at play here. If is not, then putting some sound (gruff, hoarse, playful, oddly grating, etc.) and characteristics (clothes, culture, eyes, etc.) to bring her out of background character. This is one of the most important moments, as far as I can tell, since it will start off the whole adventure. Make sure to give it that gravitas!
The dialogue between Amelia and the merchant is sort of awkward. The emphasis as I read it doesn't flow as smoothly compared to the perfection of the prologue, which is just really, really GREAT. I'm not sure how you want her to come across, but this: "It made Amalia wonder if something had maybe happened to her daughter." sounds rather obvious. The segue into telling the background of the knife could use some work, since it should be almost a saga, but instead gets rushed.
I've noticed that when I read the story as if I was someone reading quickly because they were entranced by your fiction (I made sure to read through the first four chapters thoroughly four times first) I would miss a lot, because a lot of it is not getting a lot of "screen time." For both exhausted readers and those who are quick readers desperate to get that next bit of plot, there isn't enough gist to get them the message. But you also don't need to cater for those, and only for those who read every sentence. I struggle with this too if you couldn't tell from my story (though I hope I've fixed it in the first 3/4ths after double-digit full-on-revisions?), so take this with a grain of salt.
"“I'll trade you this knife and it's story for the privilege of getting to know you.”" This just needs the apostrophe removed for "it's". That's it! Though it may be a good idea to stick some of the merchant's characterization or movement here. Humans, after all, rarely stay still! Is she leaning on her stall eagerly, or is she actually standing stiffly and unnaturally in contrast to her eagerness for gossip? So much potential for fleshing out this merchant.
"“Thank you! I hope you get to see your daughter soon. I bet she misses you, too.” Amalia said, nodding her head as a goodbye." Period separating dialogue and dialogue tag should be a comma. That's it!
"Amalia laughed and shook her head in amusement, that was so like her." As two sentences? Maybe a comparison could be added for flavor?
For the last two paragraphs, they do not transition into each other well. Fix that as you need!
A beautiful description of an idyllic forest that set the mood for a beautifully described world. I love the parallels and the set up for restriction of freedom. A gorgeous start to the chapter. The action and responses of Amalia, as well as the reactions of the side characters, add a delightful human element and a sense of fervency to her panic. Definitely a wonderful foundation for the chapter! Nice name for the village. Gives it that medieval vibe! Her travel through the forest and close focus that you gave to her equipment is a great touch! I feel like there is a nice kid's book vibe just waiting to be released! Dang though, if that mother's manner of speaking doesn't make my heart stop. LOL! The hint that the brothers regularly tease her by picking her up and carrying her around is a fun Easter egg for the reader. If I needed her to lie so we didn't die, I'd start to saying my prayers.

Onwards to Chapter 2
"It really wasn't of much interest to her what her brothers would buy or trade for, but it wouldn't surprise her if one of them somehow spent all their money on junk." Just to double-check, you really want to vilify the brothers that much? Perhaps give a side-splitting example of hilarity, that way at least it does not seem like unfounded bitterness of a younger sibling.
Same skimming advice as last chapter.
"“Ah, Amalia, come here, come here,” Her mother called her over excitedly, her hand waving her closer." Make "Her" lowercase please!
Oh, and in the same paragraph that the prior quote came from, it could use an increase in the emotional impact on Amalia when her mother caresses that cloth. I'll create and add in an imaginary section of your story to show what I mean, which should hopefully explain better than I could why it needs more emotional impact. "Obediently, she took a step closer and saw her mother gently caressing a length of shimmering white cloth. Her mother was absolutely beaming, her mind spinning creations which only caused Amalia to frown. Her mother was sweetly cradling the beautiful beginning of a strait jacket to her face, delighting in the comfort of both the cloth's softness and the precious dreams she held for her daughter. It suddenly struck her as she saw her mom that... it was creepy. Her future was being woven for her as she watched her mother uncaringly darn a bland future that only held bondage for her." Feel free to completely ignore this!
And just to double-check, are you setting up the main character as avoidant of conflict? Backing off at this moment may have a large impact on how readers view her, as she is willingly relinquishing her life to her mother for the time being.
Are you intending to paint the parents as slightly unintelligent with how Tarpuk seems to dupe them and they just accept it? Be warned that some readers have a sort of metric for tolerance of side character stupidity.
Does Amalia view Brevet fondly or does she hate him? I can't tell. Very neutral despite him having a polarizing personality (either people hate or become best buddies with the mischievous).

Chapter 3
Everything is great except for knife sections. I would recommend an overhaul and vast expansion of that section. Thoughts/inner monologues need to be expanded on, either to emphasize and detail the lack of consideration she gave to things because she is that desperate for a new life, or to think things over with logic given to the reader. This is where she should be thinking rapidly and giving us, the readers, a lot more just in general.
Magic and random factos just get thrown at us, and the effects of 19 years stuck and isolated are barely shown on the face and personality of the retainer.
Amalia strikes me as rather dumb and careless. How old is she? My metric from dumbness is my 14 year old sister, who would totally grasp how dangerous The Deep Sleep is, while Amalia doesn't. Is this an intended part of the personality? Otherwise, if that is not the intention, as it may make readers grit their teeth in annoyance, maybe change the explanations and interactions with her mom, the merchant, the woman in the knife, and/or musings on the outer world so she comes across as less idiotic and less hopelessly naïve. This... comes off as really blunt. Sorry!

Have a wonderful day and hope this helps! I'm genuinely sorry that I did not spend the time your story deserved complimenting it! Please don't take it personally or feel like the bad outweighs the good, because it does not. It's an absolutely wonderful story. I am just sleep-deprived, having recently gotten off from working at an amusement park 55 hours a week with roommates that made it impossible to sleep until 2:00 am. Still making up sleep after having left the job and it is 12:44 am.

 

[Scaver]

Edit: GAAAAAHHH! There's so many of you! How does @Prince_Azmiran_Myrian do it?! Anyway, I would like to get back to my story someday, over the rainbow, so I will not be doing more feedback after I have done everyone in line who has posted up to this date in this thread: 8/19/2023 or 19/8/2023 (so all the way up to and doing @Slays_The_Crusader ). Rest assured, all those in this thread at this very moment will DEFINITELY being getting feedback. It's just been building rather quickly, and I just can't have more right now. SUPER stressful.
So, I have something to confess. I am addicted... to the little red notifications of SH comments.
So! *claps hands*
Post one of your fictions below, and I will do four things (each is skippable. Just let me know your preferences along with the signature, link, or title name of your fiction): 1. provide feedback and praise in this thread, though I may just limit it to feedback or to praise if it needs major help or I can't offer any help because it's too airtight and good; 2. provide a review on the page of your fiction; 3. provide a rating on the page of your fiction; and 4. comment on all of the chapters I read.
In return, as payment, please read a chapter or two of my story (or more chapters if you like it!) and gimme those sweet, sweet notifications by commenting and/or posting a review.

Charisma

I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...

www.scribblehub.com

Toward Demarcus.

Highly Inspired by Tbate, Lotm and Jobless Reincarnation amongst others. Expect rich world building like Lotm, character developments like Jobless Reincarnation and Hype moments similar to Tbate. The past memories that were like shackles bounding me was one lifted up when I found myself...

www.scribblehub.com

If you will!

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Toward Demarcus.

Highly Inspired by Tbate, Lotm and Jobless Reincarnation amongst others. Expect rich world building like Lotm, character developments like Jobless Reincarnation and Hype moments similar to Tbate. The past memories that were like shackles bounding me was one lifted up when I found myself...

www.scribblehub.com

If you will!

I'm so sorry. I put the edit of my thread in bold and italic, but I will not be giving feedback to people who have submitted past the date of 8/19/2023 (all the way up to Slays_The_Crusader). Maybe I'll get to it someday, but probably should find a different feedback thread that is still open for admissions.

 

[LunaSoltaer]

the red notification numbers. they wish to be born.

*innocent whistling*

 

[SummerSweetTea]

Hello, hello! Thanks for waiting patiently! Also, random question that I ask anyone who references tea: what's your favorite tea? Ginger peach tea is mine. Aaaaanyway! I'm here for complimenting and criticizing (hopefully constructively... crossing fingers it helps!), so let's get started!

Haha, like the name suggests, I like sweet tea. But I also like fruity flavors and also chai. I also enjoy milk tea.

The Prologue: Thank you. The prologue is definitely meant to focus on the feelings happening at that moment, the urgency and pain being felt by the woman.

Chapter 1: I will review the paragraph where Amalia is first introduced, your version may flow better. The reference to the mother's opinion on her being out in the forest isn't actual dialog so I'm not sure on that one. I agree that the merchant could be given a bit more life. She's a passing character in the long run but Amalia's meeting with her does set off basically the entire plot. Thank you for pointing this out.

Chapter 2: I didn't realize her thoughts about her brothers came off so harshly. She loves them but she does think they're a bit frivolous/have odd priorities. I should be able to soften this a little to better get across their relationship. I do feel like, in general, I could expand on some of Amalia's internal thoughts, such as you pointed out with the fabric scene. I'm not sure she's necessarily conflict-avoidant so much as I got the impression this has been a subject they've been around the bush about for a long time and it was no longer worth the fight because it never changed anything. It was supposed to show more of a defeated acceptance. I think she's probably fought with her mother about this a lot. But, if that isn't coming across then I need to revisit this a bit. In regards to Brevet, he is referenced later by Samara but he does like Amalia, yes. She thinks of him as more brother-like so generally fondly.

Chapter 3: Amalia is 19. I didn't want her to come off as necessarily stupid but maybe a little selfish. I think she knows it's dangerous but it isn't impacting her directly so why worry about it, it's someone else's problem. But I do appreciate your take on things. I've fought with how much time I want to spend in Elca and how much detail and insight into it I want to do since ultimately, the bulk of the story will take place in Lita. Like I said above, inner thoughts and emotions from Amalia are something that I've added more of in rewrites as originally there wasn't much in the way of that at all (just getting the primary plot points on paper originally) so I'm sure there's still room to give a better idea of who she is.

To note, though, all of my chapters got a heavy rework on Aug. 22/23rd. So some things may be different than your original read-through. Always room for improvement and hearing someone's take. Sometimes, there are things that exist in a writer's head that the reader doesn't know so it's easy to overlook some things.

I hope you'll read more! I have up to chapter 10 posted as of this reply.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Hello! My book is called MARS. I'd love some comments and sweet notifications as well lol. I will read your book in return. Love to make some friends on here :3

Hello, hello! Honestly, I don't even know whether you are on SH anymore, but hopefully you are, and this feedback will be able help you.

So! For the synopsis, it does not particularly draw me in. And worse, the very first sentence actually dissuades me from continuing. This is a matter of the writing in use, rather than any issue I have with the premise From what I could tell from reading the chapters a loooong while back (aaall the way back when you first posted the link on here), it is accurate to the premise, but it lacks flair and does not feel well-made in of itself. I am not sure what makes it childish to me (perhaps the lack of evocative imagery or simplistic, to-the-point description?), so I'll rewrite it, and you can tell me what you are hoping to achieve with the synopsis.
Are you trying to draw in readers with mystery, sympathy for the characters, action, sexual tension, or etc?
Maybe something like this?
"Vehren Voegeli, a dancer for the ages, is a man who adores every last bit of popularity his job - no, his calling - brings him. One could say that he was born specially for his career. The lucrative payoff of dancing, the adoration of his genius plays on sexual tension brought him, and more, they all powerfully turn the gears of emotion within his heart.
And yet, someone back home tugs on his heartstrings, leading him from the stage: his precious daughter. He does not want to inspire his daughter with the lifestyle he is in.
But conversely with his desire to help his cute little girl grow as a person, the stage has felt too small. He craves more for his name, popularity to feed his ego. A ghostwriting gig is only a start for him, he knows he has what it takes. He is sure he can both balance being a father, and expanding his fame to beyond his wildest dreams.
And then his checkered past catches up with him."

Honestly, the interlude is just an enjoyable start and introduction of your direct writing style. I don't really have any criticism. I think this sentence "Her concern plus the arguments with my father makes feel relieved my mother isn't here." could use commas, and the word "me" in it after "makes", but otherwise, nothing of note to criticize. A strong, devil-may-care attitude only slightly mellowed by his child is present in every sentence, and it has a very natural flow. Writing tricks, like revealing that his father is a pastor to explain his father's prejudice against his dancing, without outright telling the audience that his father is a pastor, is something I really enjoy.

For Chapter 1! This sentence could use reversal to read more smoothly "A blue ring wraps around his brown iris, eyes opening to a French Bulldog snoring loudly by his side" His eyes should open, and then we should get a description of his fascinating eyes, rather than an x-ray type deal. I get the description of the man is going to be sexual as fuck, but I believe you should pull back on the descriptions of his sculpted body while describing his interaction with his daughter. It does have an impact on how his relationship with his daughter is viewed by the reader, making the father-daughter interaction seem a lot more perverted than is most likely intended by your writing. Be careful with that!
Enjoyable imagery altogether! Wouldn't mind more adorable puppy screentime, so to speak. Poor French Bulldog only gets one sentence. Actually, wait a minute, I think he does get more time. (Edit: is Lucci a guy or a girl? It switches. That, or it's two dogs. Either way, not clear enough). I get why I was confused. You switch from third person to first person very awkwardly. Either keep it in third person, or distinguish the two more rather than switching the two.
I don't particularly understand the point of these four paragraphs: "

Spoiler: Driving scenery

Eris claps. I'm strolling thirty-five through the quiet neighborhood. Another stop sign, I go on Main Street, entering the downtown of Rochester. A mile down is McDonald's. Before I take the journey, I stop by Comerica Bank directly across the street. At the ATM, I pull out two-hundred dollars and stuff the money into my wallet that matches my purse.

It's a thirty-minute ride to Gratiot Avenue. I pass by mostly land, houses, and water. I don't take the freeway because I prefer the scenic route. The freeway is for when I need to get somewhere quick, like work, which is an hour drive. I like riding in the car with my daughter and listening to her music preferences. Even if it's terrible auto tune. She ate her ice cream happily, finishing it by the time I eventually reached Gratiot.

Moeko lived at her good friend Sariyah's house in New Haven, a borderline ghost town heavily surrounded by religion. I'm not too fond of Eris staying there, but Moeko claims this is only until she can get an apartment. Getting my apartment was already a struggle, and Moeko doesn't want to live with me. She might not have a choice soon since Sariyah is not a fan of me and doesn't let me visit her home.

My tires finally get a break from potholes, resting on the white pavement of Sariyah's driveway behind Moeko's Town and Country. It's a nice trailer park though her house is bland, just a white square with a few porch decorations. Her front lawn is large patch of green grass, a few flamingos and gnomes stand closer to the porch. I get out, looking around for Sariyah's Mustang. (Not that I would've left if she was here.)

I think I could guess at the point/hidden information you are trying to infer, but it is not particularly evident even with analysis. As a writer, it does intrigue me what your intent is with this, but as a reader, it pulls me out of immersion. There are some really important parts, such as building the relationship with the daughter in the mind of the readers, as well as learning more about this Moeko (who I believe is the ex-girlfriend) and this Sariyah (a close friend of Moeko), but these parts will get overlooked by the boring driving scene. Now, personally, I don't drive. Perhaps those that do will differ in an opinion, but it doesn't contribute enough, to me at least.
"If anything living comfortably her whole life has make her feel like money doesn't matter." Just a couple minor grammar mistakes, with a comma after "anything" and "made" instead of "make".
Not going to lie, awkward as frick to read a sex scene for analysis. They are way outside my expertise, but from my untrained eye, they are enjoyable and there isn't anything particularly eyebrow-raising or concerning like there typically are in the smut online. *chuckles* Altogether one of the best smut scenes on ScribbleHub, be it straight, gay, or lesbian smut scenes.

Chapter 2! Great amount of detail into the background cast, and all of them feel like real people. So absolutely wonderful with that! As a matter of personal taste, not a fan of the dominating scent. Kind of takes me out of immersion, when everything else is handled so well, but I honestly can't tell whether that's just me not being a fan of omega, alpha, beta smell play, or whether it is is not handled, writing-wise, very well. *shrugs* A very human portrayal with the character of The Dante. I find that portrayals of the bosses of more sexual businesses are almost always negative, so getting to see a different side to what is typically portrayed is a pleasure. One of my friends, having been a dancer for a stint, talked about how the the pimps and such were rarely so cruel in their interactions with them as pimps and such often are in the media. All in all, a great amount of effort was put into fleshing it out, and I certainly applaud you for that! Some moments, such as with the married man, made me cringe at the awkwardness, but I also wouldn't leave them out. Sometimes days just have awkwardness, and they were very real, something I'm finding you are quite an expert at.

Chapter 3! I think you have definitely entered your sweet spot with this chapter. Any more reading of your story will probably be for my own enjoyment, rather than analysis. Hope you have a great day! Thanks for the recommendation!!!

 

[Deleted member 84247]

Bleh, bump, and welcome back.