Puppet's Feedback Thread (pay with comments)

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Edit: GAAAAAHHH! There's so many of you! How does @Prince_Azmiran_Myrian do it?! Anyway, I would like to get back to my story someday, over the rainbow, so I will not be doing more feedback after I have done everyone in line who has posted up to this date in this thread: 8/19/2023 or 19/8/2023 (so all the way up to and doing @Slays_The_Crusader ). Rest assured, all those in this thread at this very moment will DEFINITELY being getting feedback. It's just been building rather quickly, and I just can't have more right now. SUPER stressful.
So, I have something to confess. I am addicted... to the little red notifications of SH comments.
So! *claps hands*
Post one of your fictions below, and I will do four things (each is skippable. Just let me know your preferences along with the signature, link, or title name of your fiction): 1. provide feedback and praise in this thread, though I may just limit it to feedback or to praise if it needs major help or I can't offer any help because it's too airtight and good; 2. provide a review on the page of your fiction; 3. provide a rating on the page of your fiction; and 4. comment on all of the chapters I read.
In return, as payment, please read a chapter or two of my story (or more chapters if you like it!) and gimme those sweet, sweet notifications by commenting and/or posting a review.

Charisma

I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Kureous]

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Huh? I'm dumb. What does this mean?

 

[Kureous]

No, it's a roundabout compliment. Bery smart move.

 

[Representing_Tromba]

You should entice people with something that can benefit them and yourself.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

No, it's a roundabout compliment. Bery smart move.

Ohhh... Thank you!!!

You should entice people with something that can benefit them and yourself.

Did I not just provide an enticing deal that would benefit both them and myself? @Paul_Tromba I am confused.
Is my fiction that bad? I don't think you have checked it out?

 

[T.K._Paradox]

So, I have something to confess. I am addicted... to the little red notifications of SH comments.
So! *claps hands*
Post one of your fictions below, and I will do four things (each is skippable. Just let me know your preferences along with the signature, link, or title name of your fiction): 1. provide feedback and praise in this thread, though I may just limit it to feedback or to praise if it needs major help or I can't offer any help because it's too airtight and good; 2. provide a review on the page of your fiction; 3. provide a rating on the page of your fiction; and 4. comment on all of the chapters I read.
In return, as payment, please read a chapter or two of my story (or more chapters if you like it!) and gimme those sweet, sweet notifications by commenting and/or posting a review.

Charisma

I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...

www.scribblehub.com

Just some feedback and some comments will do. I feel it is too early for a review.

The Occult Files Of Michael Bloom

A story following the adventures of an eccentric detective as he takes on cults, mystical beings, and the social elite.

www.scribblehub.com

Already reading Charisma right now, and promised a review at 50 chaps.

Regardless I hope you enjoy my story.

 

[Seaspecter]

Is this retroactive cause I've already left comments on most of your novel lol
Oh and just do what you feel like I too am addicted to the notifications.

Anna’s Dream | Scribble Hub

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Just some feedback and some comments will do. I feel it is too early for a review.

The Occult Files Of Michael Bloom

A story following the adventures of an eccentric detective as he takes on cults, mystical beings, and the social elite.

www.scribblehub.com

Already reading Charisma right now, and promised a review at 50 chaps.

Regardless I hope you enjoy my story.

I guess the review will work retroactively... but this'll only work for you because you already planned a review for the story before I posted this thread.
First! Constructive Criticism!
Grammar: punctuation needs to be fixed (probably changing sentence structure to be less juvenile would be good as well). There are a whole bunch of missing commas where there should be natural pauses in the thinking style, dialogue, descriptions, etc. In fact, more often than not, the story is missing commas rather than having them where they should be. Run-on sentences result from that, though often they need to be separated into multiple sentences with periods. Commas are also used in place of where periods should be. You also miss a few words, like "a" and "would" that would make this sentence grammatically correct. There are also misspellings, like "wavvy" when it should be "wavy" and "stiffs" instead of "stifles." And can't forget the tense switches, and incorrect forms of verbs being used. For example, "Mostly due to city officials be corrupt...", "be" should be "being." There are also missing hyphens, misplaced commas, and too many "and". All in all, the entire story needs a thorough revision for grammar.
Characterization: the dagger, despite being sentient and sapient, is one-dimensional in a way that decreases the depth of the world. If you set it up that it is was singularly malicious and obsessive in a way much like an eerie broken record-player (or something along those lines), then it would work as a 1-dimensional throwaway, but otherwise as it is now does not work. Either add depth to its personality (don't need terribly much. Just note the expressions of the corpse and add emotions outside of the solely "villain" range) or make the one-dimensionality clear, noted, and important to the story in that first chapter.
Descriptions: they are certainly interesting, and the characteristics introduced are apt and play a good vibe for the story. However, they come in list format, rather than feeling as if you observing the aspects of something through the main character's eyes.
Random miscellaneous: exposition is not introduced smoothly. I think you could pull off the exposition if you smooth out things.
Second! Praise!
Descriptions: I adore the intrigue of the unique, in-world descriptors. It creates a fascinating mental image that I greatly wish to explore more! For example, the strange housing of one of the Fleets was an enjoyable touch, and humorous. The classic detective look, along with the nostalgic classic waiting room background that the story started off, was great stuff. Keep up that nostalgia focus and emphasize it, as well as explain it to deepen the world!
Characterization: Great dynamic between James and Michael, and realistic (and amusing) to boot. Expressing his emotions in response to the dream through his actions was done pretty great! He is quite hard to ruffle.
Plot: It's pretty early days, but it is a great hook. I look forward to the intrigue and the sleuthing he will be doing to find the angel or figure the circumstances around him. There is a clear structure, and events transition pretty well into the other.

Also, do you want a rating? Or no rating, as well as the no review.

 

[T.K._Paradox]

I guess the review will work retroactively... but this'll only work for you because you already planned a review for the story before I posted this thread.
First! Constructive Criticism!
Grammar: punctuation needs to be fixed (probably changing sentence structure to be less juvenile would be good as well). There are a whole bunch of missing commas where there should be natural pauses in the thinking style, dialogue, descriptions, etc. In fact, more often than not, the story is missing commas rather than having them where they should be. Run-on sentences result from that, though often they need to be separated into multiple sentences with periods. Commas are also used in place of where periods should be. You also miss a few words, like "a" and "would" that would make this sentence grammatically correct. There are also misspellings, like "wavvy" when it should be "wavy" and "stiffs" instead of "stifles." And can't forget the tense switches, and incorrect forms of verbs being used. For example, "Mostly due to city officials be corrupt...", "be" should be "being." There are also missing hyphens, misplaced commas, and too many "and". All in all, the entire story needs a thorough revision for grammar.
Characterization: the dagger, despite being sentient and sapient, is one-dimensional in a way that decreases the depth of the world. If you set it up that it is was singularly malicious and obsessive in a way much like an eerie broken record-player (or something along those lines), then it would work as a 1-dimensional throwaway, but otherwise as it is now does not work. Either add depth to its personality (don't need terribly much. Just note the expressions of the corpse and add emotions outside of the solely "villain" range) or make the one-dimensionality clear, noted, and important to the story in that first chapter.
Descriptions: they are certainly interesting, and the characteristics introduced are apt and play a good vibe for the story. However, they come in list format, rather than feeling as if you observing the aspects of something through the main character's eyes.
Random miscellaneous: exposition is not introduced smoothly. I think you could pull off the exposition if you smooth out things.
Second! Praise!
Descriptions: I adore the intrigue of the unique, in-world descriptors. It creates a fascinating mental image that I greatly wish to explore more! For example, the strange housing of one of the Fleets was an enjoyable touch, and humorous. The classic detective look, along with the nostalgic classic waiting room background that the story started off, was great stuff. Keep up that nostalgia focus and emphasize it, as well as explain it to deepen the world!
Characterization: Great dynamic between James and Michael, and realistic (and amusing) to boot. Expressing his emotions in response to the dream through his actions was done pretty great! He is quite hard to ruffle.
Plot: It's pretty early days, but it is a great hook. I look forward to the intrigue and the sleuthing he will be doing to find the angel or figure the circumstances around him. There is a clear structure, and events transition pretty well into the other.

Also, do you want a rating? Or no rating, as well as the no review.

No rating is fine, I highly appreciate the feedback.

It really does help.

Looking forward to what you, yourself may put out in the future.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Is this retroactive cause I've already left comments on most of your novel lol
Oh and just do what you feel like I too am addicted to the notifications.

Anna’s Dream | Scribble Hub

It's retroactive for you, though I certainly appreciate the extra comment you gave me after this!

First! Feedback! (most, if not all, of these are very nitpicky and I'm pretty sure you can ignore most of them without it negatively impacting your story. On the whole, your story is awesome and airtight!)

"Curiosity overtook it and wanting to see what was on the other side," comma in between "it" and "and"
When the eyeball pushes itself through, how does its body react to the crack? Is it like a funny, adorable cartoon, where it squishes and pops out like a bubble, floating adrift for a second? Or does it seep through it like melted caramel? You don't really need to put a description of how its body responds to it, but it may add a bit more to the hook.
How does the dreamer think? Does it think quickly or slowly? Sibilantly or drowsily? I think it could use descriptors, though less is often more, and in this case, can convey a level of simplicity in terms of the dreamer's character. So... whatever floats your boat!
"He looked her up and down again carefully inspecting her." The story hasn't said that he looked her up and down before, so "again" might be a miscellaneous work, and I think the sentence would be better with a comma.
“You’re a natural Anna,” Comma in between "natural" and "Anna."
All in all, just a few missing commas and words throughout the 7 chapters (which is something I struggle with, so I apologize for the hypocrisy ). I personally lean to more descriptors of voices, body language, expressions, etc; but I think that you pull off the simplicity quite well.


Second! Praise!

I really enjoyed the simplicity of the world, because I felt like it lent itself to the rustic scenery, fantasy, and inner voice of Anna. Speaking of inner voice of Anna, she comes off as a really precious, innocent character, and the story does a great job of making you feel protective over and invested in the slice of life of Anna; which is half the battle for slice of life!
The flow is absolutely great, and one of the best things about the story! It hooks you in, and you seamlessly flow to the next scene, and the next scene, and the next scene, ad infinitum. One of those stories that really draw you in and keep you for a long while. The way that issues arise and are resolved succeeds in becoming a repeating hook, and makes for satisfying resolutions, as well as building up the suspense for the next troubles the group faces.
The humor of having an impressionable young eldritch entity pick up crude jokes and profanity just hits the sweet spot every time.
Characterization: While I would not say the characters are complex, in fact, I would say they are fairly simple, I think you hit all the points you need! Particularly with the type of story this is i.e. not psychological. The friendly villagers and friendly adventurer group work together quite well, with a nice, refreshing friend dynamic.

 

[ManwX]

well here goes. I will check your story tonight. hope you enjoy reading my novel. https://www.scribblehub.com/read/622748-transmigrated-as-a-villans-older-brother/chapter/623841/

 

[Ellieporter]

Here's mine:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/412563/-girls/

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Here's mine:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/412563/-girls/

Don't worry. I'm checking yours out today. I haven't forgotten it. I'm not able to check out people's stories very quickly, with having an 11 hour shift at my job, working 5 days a week, and walking almost an hour to and from my job everyday.

 

[LunaSoltaer]

red number addiction is real. I totally get that.

Purple sadface numbers are really scary, though and i hate those.

 

[Seaspecter]

It's retroactive for you, though I certainly appreciate the extra comment you gave me after this!

First! Feedback! (most, if not all, of these are very nitpicky and I'm pretty sure you can ignore most of them without it negatively impacting your story. On the whole, your story is awesome and airtight!)

"Curiosity overtook it and wanting to see what was on the other side," comma in between "it" and "and"
When the eyeball pushes itself through, how does its body react to the crack? Is it like a funny, adorable cartoon, where it squishes and pops out like a bubble, floating adrift for a second? Or does it seep through it like melted caramel? You don't really need to put a description of how its body responds to it, but it may add a bit more to the hook.
How does the dreamer think? Does it think quickly or slowly? Sibilantly or drowsily? I think it could use descriptors, though less is often more, and in this case, can convey a level of simplicity in terms of the dreamer's character. So... whatever floats your boat!
"He looked her up and down again carefully inspecting her." The story hasn't said that he looked her up and down before, so "again" might be a miscellaneous work, and I think the sentence would be better with a comma.
“You’re a natural Anna,” Comma in between "natural" and "Anna."
All in all, just a few missing commas and words throughout the 7 chapters (which is something I struggle with, so I apologize for the hypocrisy ). I personally lean to more descriptors of voices, body language, expressions, etc; but I think that you pull off the simplicity quite well.


Second! Praise!

I really enjoyed the simplicity of the world, because I felt like it lent itself to the rustic scenery, fantasy, and inner voice of Anna. Speaking of inner voice of Anna, she comes off as a really precious, innocent character, and the story does a great job of making you feel protective over and invested in the slice of life of Anna; which is half the battle for slice of life!
The flow is absolutely great, and one of the best things about the story! It hooks you in, and you seamlessly flow to the next scene, and the next scene, and the next scene, ad infinitum. One of those stories that really draw you in and keep you for a long while. The way that issues arise and are resolved succeeds in becoming a repeating hook, and makes for satisfying resolutions, as well as building up the suspense for the next troubles the group faces.
The humor of having an impressionable young eldritch entity pick up crude jokes and profanity just hits the sweet spot every time.
Characterization: While I would not say the characters are complex, in fact, I would say they are fairly simple, I think you hit all the points you need! Particularly with the type of story this is i.e. not psychological. The friendly villagers and friendly adventurer group work together quite well, with a nice, refreshing friend dynamic.

First I was trying to keep it simple the dreamer is an inexplicable thing from a dimension of dreams so keeping it vague is for the best. Also Anna has no idea what's going on in the world and the book is from her perspective so I tried to make it feel like you were riding around on her shoulder seeing it from her point of view.

So I'm glad you liked I wanted my story to leave people smiling after they read it so I'm glad to see its doing that.

Finally I'll comment on anything you post so GIVE ME MORE CHAPTERS!!!

red number addiction is real. I totally get that.

Purple sadface numbers are really scary, though and i hate those.

Purple numbers?

 

[LunaSoltaer]

Purple numbers?

The Dropped count. Basically the purple dot on your book stats. It feels like someone drop kicked you in a sensitive spot.

Like, in my case, I get it. I write a heavy affair of a book that has a LOT of sadness in it... but then someone drops my book at the cute fluffy chapter and im that cat with the loading circle

 

[Seaspecter]

The Dropped count. Basically the purple dot on your book stats. It feels like someone drop kicked you in a sensitive spot.

Like, in my case, I get it. I write a heavy affair of a book that has a LOT of sadness in it... but then someone drops my book at the cute fluffy chapter and im that cat with the loading circle

Oh that thing! I was over here looking around like purple what purple?

I'm also a cat with the reloads especially when I post something, damn you anxiety why must you force me to worry about what people think!

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

red number addiction is real. I totally get that.

Purple sadface numbers are really scary, though and i hate those.

I never knew what purple sadface numbers are until you told me. Very berry scary!
Also, thank you for your comments! Once I do Ellie Porter's feedback and praise, do you want for your story?

 

[Representing_Tromba]

Did I not just provide an enticing deal that would benefit both them and myself? @Paul_Tromba I am confused.
Is my fiction that bad? I don't think you have checked it out?

What I'm saying is that you should offer a reward for your services. Maybe some free publicity or some editing help. I haven't read your fiction so I have no clue whether it is good or bad.