[OPEN 2/3] Unreliable Biased Feedback v3

[Rosica]

And what about you... Miss?
*peek at @Rosica *

You won't get any validation from me. Your head is already big enough as it is.

JP LN style work on SH with or without smut. For example:

I Didn’t Even Want to Live, But God Forced Me to Reincarnate!

A duke’s daughter wanted nothing in her life but the sweet nothingness of death, as she felt like her life served no purpose. Her wish was granted when she was killed in an unfortunate accident, yet in a sudden turn of events, she was forced to reincarnate. As fate...

www.scribblehub.com

Reincarnated into Two Bodies

'After falling to my death, I woke up with two bodies?!' In the large kingdom of Setus, two prodigies were born on the same day. Carine, the sole heir of the Sareid dukedom, respected for her military prowess and intelligence, her cold demeanor spreading tales of her legacy. Feyt,...

www.scribblehub.com

Those are very popular. Asian (JP LN/CN WN) style novel is the way to go here.

What about KR style? Not so much. Everything KR is just a Solo Leveling knock off these days.

 

[Bimbanana]

You won't get any validation from me. Your head is already big enough as it is.

Boooooo

 

[Rosica]

Boooooo

Your current custom title is dickhead. I'm basically saying you have a big dick unlike Koreans. Is your dick small or something?

 

[Bimbanana]

Your current custom title is dickhead. I'm basically saying you have a big dick unlike Koreans. Is your dick small or something?

Thats....
Lets just say i lose a bet..

 

[HarryGarland]

read up to: Chapter 9.2: The Promise

the most egregious thing in this novel is the cover and your avatar. it has that low-quality ai generated image that screams 2022 and it had me dreading to read this. I was expecting a flashbang of garabge ai generated writing but it never came. and you have nice illustrations in your chapters. youre shooting yourself in the foot with these ai gen images


the writing is alright. Another shonen. quality is fine for a LN. you have some completely unnecessary floating dialogues. refer to my last two reviews here. the characters are decently depicted. they are different from each other and i can pick them apart. they are expressive too which is nice

mc is a child, something i didnt know when i was just starting. I just saw someone crying 'mama' and throwing a tantrum. an introduction to hin and his age wouldve been nice. i dont think 'mama' and 'papa' are slang commonly used. just felt odd seeing them. also feels odd for a young boy to say them so often at least from my pov.

the biggest two writing flaws i noticed were

1. you do not separate between prespectives. all the characters 'reason' the same way. they justify their actions and chastise each other by the mc's thinking. this is a bit tricky to explain. it's like all the characters know everything that's happening and every single thought and dialogue from the mc. you need to be careful when writing different prespectives and not mix them.

2. age doesnt reflect actions and words. mc doesnt talk his age at times. at times he says stuff like 'we need each other' and at other times he's crying snot bubbles because other children are throwing fruits at him.

id say novel is alright. I dont like the approach you took. Usually these type of stories the mc would man up and train to 'protect those he loves'. you went the other approach and made him embrace being a kid. a selfish kid who keeps crying about what he lost but does nothing to change that or improve for the future. shounen i guess.

Thanks for the review.

Point number 1 noted.

Point number 2 I'd say oops.

Sometimes I looked around and see people older than me speaking in a way that is immature than what I expected of them.

And then there's younger people who behave more mature than the older people around them. They're very rare, and usually they're carrying a big baggage, hence the maturity. Or the suppression of their childish aspects.

Funny though... All the people I asked to read my work didn't like the approach. I'm aware of the shounen trope of "I won't give up" and "I'll get stronger". Makes me cringe a little. To me, life isn't work harder and everything will be solved. Guess the cynicism of reality had gotten to me. *Shrugs*.

I admit I wanted to flip tropes around because why not? I'm curious. And wanted to weave in cold realism with wishful thinking.

Mama and Papa are Southeast Asian ways of addressing parents (it's also my way). I believe Westerners use Mum and Dad.

I'm working on the second book, set when the MC is older. Perhaps I'd get you to see it when I've completed it.

Thanks again. Peace.

 

[greyblob]

I would be thankful for your time. Link: The Devil’s Hell | Scribble Hub

i cant read this. genuinley cant. i dont know whats happening but the italic walls of text are fucking with my brain. i might be acoustic

why is everything italic?

 

[V8485]

Because the main character was a chain smoker and his voice sounded like shit and his mind followed suit with his same grimy voice.

 

[greyblob]

Is this still open? I can see [OPEN]
I’d like feedback on mine too

Beneath the Crown

Born of royal blood but raised in shadows, she lives among the streets. A bright, reckless spirit with a hidden past and a secret only her sister knows. Careless, curious, and untamed, she has no interest in kingdoms, crowns, or fate. A streetwise troublemaker with a secret past, she hides...

www.scribblehub.com

read up to: How to Break Into a Vault Without Even Trying

mixed feelings here. I feel like you can structure a scene, depict a character and establish a plot but you're deliberately choosing not to. this mc is perhaps the most obnoxious character ive come across in a very long time.

to start, your descriptions are very odd. some literally make no sense but most are just odd. dialogue suffers from this at times but my biggest issue with dialogue is a writing decision on your part. i dont know if the mc has a speech impediment or what but she literally only talks in one-liners or quips. everytime she talks i get pissed off. main reason im stopping at 5 chatpers honestly.

the ending to this chapter was perhaps the best part out of few chaptees i read as she behaved somewhat normal. tried to read the next chapter but she got back to what she was.

there's some random things happening in the world. what type of world is this? how come there's a show and a televsion but they're using parchement and ink and vase merchants in the street and guards? very confusing. you did not establish the world so its just random.

also the bit with the children's books were honestly very overdone. she just seems genuinely retarded. laughing at children's books for hours is worrying

 

[Shadowless3]

Thank u so much for taking the time to read this far and also give a feedback.
It seems like you didn’t like her personality. From what you said, I’m not sure if it came across that her behavior might actually be an act, so that might be why it felt annoying. Does it not feel that way? Sorry about that.

I didn’t mention television I said “show” and “screen,” more like a projection (kind of like how it’s shown through mana crystals in anime), not modern TV.

As for the children’s books, I just meant those simple picture or short story ones we get in school they can be fun in a different way.

If you’re up for it, maybe give two more chapter a try I think it starts to come together a bit more there. A lot of people said the story felt slow or boring at first, so I tried to speed up the pacing a bit and it seem like I just ruined it.

 

[greyblob]

From what you said, I’m not sure if it came across that her behavior might actually be an act, so that might be why it felt annoying. Does it not feel that way? Sorry about that.

i wished it was an act. if its an act I'd have had hope she'd stop but no i got that its her personality. and i dislike it greatly

I didn’t mention television I said “show” and “screen,” more like a projection (kind of like how it’s shown through mana crystals in anime), not modern TV.

screen doesn't infer a TV? how do i get to the mana crystal deduction when i get no information on it or the world?

As for the children’s books, I just meant those simple picture or short story ones we get in school they can be fun in a different way.

she spent hours giggling at them. I get if they had chuckle but to spend hours entertained by childrens books? very overdone comediy bit

If you’re up for it, maybe give two more chapter a try I think it starts to come together a bit more there. A lot of people said the story felt slow or boring at first, so I tried to speed up the pacing a bit and it seem like I just ruined it.

probably not. mc pisses me off too much. its not about pacing from my pov. its about the way the mc is depicted. extremely off putting for me

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

i wished it was an act. if its an act I'd have had hope she'd stop but no i got that its her personality. and i dislike it greatly



screen doesn't infer a TV? how do i get to the mana crystal deduction when i get no information on it or the world?


she spent hours giggling at them. I get if they had chuckle but to spend hours entertained by childrens books? very overdone comediy bit

probably not. mc pisses me off too much. its not about pacing from my pov. its about the way the mc is depicted. extremely off putting for me

 

[Rosica]

If you’re up for it, maybe give two more chapter a try I think it starts to come together a bit more there. A lot of people said the story felt slow or boring at first, so I tried to speed up the pacing a bit and it seem like I just ruined it.

probably not. mc pisses me off too much. its not about pacing from my pov. its about the way the mc is depicted. extremely off putting for me

Stand proud, Sugarless. You just won the most off putting mc in the entire feedback thread award.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Stand proud, Sugarless. You just won the most off putting mc in the entire feedback thread award.

So far ... Blob has still to roll veer mine ...

 

[Shadowless3]

i wished it was an act. if its an act I'd have had hope she'd stop but no i got that its her personality. and i dislike it greatly



screen doesn't infer a TV? how do i get to the mana crystal deduction when i get no information on it or the world?


she spent hours giggling at them. I get if they had chuckle but to spend hours entertained by childrens books? very overdone comediy bit

probably not. mc pisses me off too much. its not about pacing from my pov. its about the way the mc is depicted. extremely off putting for me

Alright I understand. Thanks for giving my story a try and for sharing your honest feedback I appreciate the time you put into it.
And sorry for the disappointment

 

[Rosica]

Alright I understand. Thanks for giving my story a try and for sharing your honest feedback I appreciate the time you put into it.
And sorry for the disappointment

Disappointment? Blob already expected this when he know your story have a female protagonist. What he didn't expect is that somehow, your FMC is more off-putting than the previous FMC he reviewed. That is saying something because the others are sociopathic psychopathic murderhobo.

There is nothing to apologize for, you should be proud instead because you exceed Blob's expectation. Another FL novel, how bad can the MC be? Can't be worse.

 

[greyblob]

Alright I understand. Thanks for giving my story a try and for sharing your honest feedback I appreciate the time you put into it.
And sorry for the disappointment

not disappointed since i had no expectations to begin with. i go in blind btw. I dont read synopsises, tags, or prolgues

I am not the target audience for your novel. wouldnt have read it if i came across it natrually too. not my preferences. I dont like the mc or the flavor of comedy. I realize that the mc is the way she is for exaggerated comedy which is as i mentioned not to my tastes.

and this is perfectly fine. this is why its a biased feedback.

 

[Shadowless3]

Disappointment? Blob already expected this when he know your story have a female protagonist. What he didn't expect is that somehow, your FMC is more off-putting than the previous FMC he reviewed. That is saying something because the others are sociopathic psychopathic murderhobo.

There is nothing to apologize for, you should be proud instead because you exceed Blob's expectation. Another FL novel, how bad can the MC be? Can't be worse.

Thanks for the encouragement and motivation it made me feel better. I’ll try to improve

not disappointed since i had no expectations to begin with. i go in blind btw. I dont read synopsises, tags, or prolgues

I am not the target audience for your novel. wouldnt have read it if i came across it natrually too. not my preferences. I dont like the mc or the flavor of comedy. I realize that the mc is the way she is for exaggerated comedy which is as i mentioned not to my tastes.

and this is perfectly fine. this is why its a biased feedback.

Yes I understand

 

[greyblob]

Schwarz -‖- Der Wille zur Macht

Schwarz -‖- Der Wille zur Macht Villainess, noble girl, princess. Reincarnation is a fickle matter, unpredictable and capricious, uncaring and unforgiving in nature. Stranded in unknown lands, in a different time and age by the mysterious forces of magic, Aurora is reborn as the sole heiress...

www.scribblehub.com

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Did I make it?

read up to: Arc II Chapter 7

writing quality is decent and it's easy to read which is probably the biggest note i have on this. characters are distinct. at least the mc. I didn't read enough to form an opinion on the party.

info dumping was heavy in act one. skimmed most of it. really big turn off for chapter 1.

i dislike how you handled pov changes also. i find it lazy. exposition in the bandit's pov explaining their motiviation, thoughts, etc feels very lazy and boring to me. this introduces my next point

your descriptions are good but yoi have a habit of showing which is good but it can be better. showing with actions. I'm sure there's a term for it.

instead of describing the surroundings, have the character interact with the environment and describe it through them. makes the experience much more tolerable and more interesting to see through.

other than that i dont really have much to comment on. villians are cartoony. their dialogue was boring. very shounen

i dont like the mc. the change in behaviour in this act made me stop because i was cringng too much. mc is 14 but acts like she's 5 and everyone is okay with it. I didnt want to torture myself with that. I doubt im the target audience for this.


overall pretty decent. kinda generic but thats not necessarily a bad thing

 

[Eldoria]

read up to: Arc II Chapter 7

writing quality is decent and it's easy to read which is probably the biggest note i have on this. characters are distinct. at least the mc. I didn't read enough to form an opinion on the party.

info dumping was heavy in act one. skimmed most of it. really big turn off for chapter 1.

i dislike how you handled pov changes also. i find it lazy. exposition in the bandit's pov explaining their motiviation, thoughts, etc feels very lazy and boring to me. this introduces my next point

your descriptions are good but yoi have a habit of showing which is good but it can be better. showing with actions. I'm sure there's a term for it.

instead of describing the surroundings, have the character interact with the environment and describe it through them. makes the experience much more tolerable and more interesting to see through.

other than that i dont really have much to comment on. villians are cartoony. their dialogue was boring. very shounen

i dont like the mc. the change in behaviour in this act made me stop because i was cringng too much. mc is 14 but acts like she's 5 and everyone is okay with it. I didnt want to torture myself with that. I doubt im the target audience for this.


overall pretty decent. kinda generic but thats not necessarily a bad thing

Not giving info dumps in the prologue is a challenge because the prologue demands fast pacing and a hook.

 

[greyblob]

Not giving info dumps in the prologue is a challenge because the prologue demands fast pacing and a hook.

thats the opposite of a hook though

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I'm doing 3 more and will probably take a break