[OPEN 2/3] Unreliable Biased Feedback v3

[Kazehiro]

One does not simply stop gathering wives.

I can't stop because ... I will be there for everyone ... as we head toward our shared future, leaving the past behind.

 

[Rosica]

I can't stop because ... I will be there for everyone ... as we head toward our shared future, leaving the past behind.

Kelas King

Your crown is on transit at DC Cakung.

 

[ThirstyWater]

I have edited and revised chapters 1-10. May I ask for feedback?

Edit: I revised again chapter 1-5 , I found repeated words

Grim Mirth: The Clown System

Jack Wilson was just an ordinary clown — the kind you might see at a children's party or a small park performance. Until the day he woke up in another person's body… in a world that was not his own. A world where danger hides in the shadows, and extraordinary beings...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[greyblob]

Could you also do mine please?

It's an early story (10 chapter)

After Returning From Another World, My Sister Became Obsessed With Me [Rework]

'What is the most precious thing in the world? For me, it was 'home' ... until I burned it to the ground.' A single mistake I've done cost me everything, my parents' lives, my face scarred by Disgusting burns, and my sister’s ability to walk. For years, Rika looked...

www.scribblehub.com

read up to: [RE] Chapter 14 : Hospital

are psychopathic girls the trend these days? its becoming a pattern.

writing is decent. good execution of LN that doesnt feel too sloppy. characters are alright? I dislike both the mc and his sister. secondary characters are all the same to me, meaning they're all generic cut outs. there's not much i can comment on because i honestly dont feel there's much of a story. the sister is just killing all her bullies and the relationship between the brother/sister was resolved like a switch.

thats about it. i dont feel like her murders are justified so its just unnecessary violence with a murderhobo mc. not particularly intersted in reading that.

 

[DismaiNaim]

Here you go

A Place To Bloom

Caleb of Gath wants nothing more than to climb mountains, hunt in the forest, and chase girls around the village, until he's called to war. He's never held a sword. As the truth unfolds, he must sacrifice everything he thought he knew about the world and grapple with the darkness...

www.scribblehub.com

Though TBH for useless, unreliable fees I could just have Claude read it.

 

[greyblob]

Though TBH for useless, unreliable fees I could just have Claude read it.

then do it why bother

 

[Kazehiro]

thats about it. i dont feel like her murders are justified so its just unnecessary violence with a murderhobo mc. not particularly intersted in reading that.

Because it's not, and it's never will be. This story is not for all type of person because like you said, many of things doesn't even feels like need to happened.

writing is decent. good execution of LN that doesnt feel too sloppy. characters are alright? I dislike both the mc and his sister. secondary characters are all the same to me, meaning they're all generic cut outs. there's not much i can comment on because i honestly dont feel there's much of a story. the sister is just killing all her bullies and the relationship between the brother/sister was resolved like a switch.

Actually, Thare's not any story in it yet, I don't explain anything everything just .. going straight. Not even once the story have move, because it's my intention on the first place, on my version before this rework, all of the plot have moving so much without any explanation. In this rework version, I need to build up the world building, the whole another world, and the Gate Of The Worlds slowly.

Thare's a reason why this story have the tag world invasion. If you already read until 14 than you already know the chapter "Walk", because the horror that Frey gonna face is gonna increase day by day. And "Guardian Of The earth" finally gonna be chosen. Making Rika (the sister) have it's pure rival (counter)

And Thare's a reason why this story using brotherhood. Because I'm building everything up until now. All of them characters, I haven't even explain why they got there and why they even want to go that length for Frey.

But, if you doesn't like it until 14 then I suggest you to stop. Because Thare's gonna be a whole scene Rika Slaughter thousand of people on the Night Fair Because she's just jealous.

And yes, Thare's never will be justification of her act, some people will feel disgusted by her act even asking me to make her dead (I really recive this massage on the early Script lmao)

Thanks, for spare your time reading my story.

Some people will feel disgusted by her act even asking me to make her dead (I really recive this massage on the early Script lmao)

My reader in a nutshell

 

[greyblob]

Because it's not, and it's never will be. This story is not for all type of person because like you said, many of things doesn't even feels like need to happened.


Actually, Thare's not any story in it yet, I don't explain anything everything just .. going straight. Not even once the story have move, because it's my intention on the first place, on my version before this rework, all of the plot have moving so much without any explanation. In this rework version, I need to build up the world building, the whole another world, and the Gate Of The Worlds slowly.

Thare's a reason why this story have the tag world invasion. If you already read until 14 than you already know the chapter "Walk", because the horror that Frey gonna face is gonna increase day by day. And "Guardian Of The earth" finally gonna be chosen. Making Rika (the sister) have it's pure rival (counter)

And Thare's a reason why this story using brotherhood. Because I'm building everything up until now. All of them characters, I haven't even explain why they got there and why they even want to go that length for Frey.

But, if you doesn't like it until 14 then I suggest you to stop. Because Thare's gonna be a whole scene Rika Slaughter thousand of people on the Night Fair Because she's just jealous.

And yes, Thare's never will be justification of her act, some people will feel disgusted by her act even asking me to make her dead (I really recive this massage on the early Script lmao)

Thanks, for spare your time reading my story.

My reader in a nutshell

when building villians, authors usually leave a human side to them no matter how small. you've done it too at times but in others you twist in unnecessarily.

for example when she hugs her brother, the very next sentence is her grinning because she manipulated him. the very easy solution her is ti depect her as genuinly enjoying his warmth instead of enjoying his gullability. these small touches humanize the villian and provide a connection. even if this is a stereotypical anime trope villian.

she transforms from a murder-hobo mc to a confused girl who's desperate for affection/love.

 

[GreenStudio]

Care to give mine a shot?

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2244075/cursed-crowned-crimson/

 

[Kazehiro]

when building villians, authors usually leave a human side to them no matter how small. you've done it too at times but in others you twist in unnecessarily.

for example when she hugs her brother, the very next sentence is her grinning because she manipulated him. the very easy solution her is ti depect her as genuinly enjoying his warmth instead of enjoying his gullability. these small touches humanize the villian and provide a connection. even if this is a stereotypical anime trope villian.

she transforms from a murder-hobo mc to a confused girl who's desperate for affection/love.

Noted, cause Thare's still so much Point I need to explore at the same time, I must be very careful not leaving any important plot behind. Part of it because I choose to take everything slow. So I have to do it to with the most potential I could take.

 

[Rosica]

Noted, cause Thare's still so much Point I need to explore at the same time, I must be very careful not leaving any important plot behind. Part of it because I choose to take everything slow. So I have to do it to with the most potential I could take.

You can also explore more ways for the mc to murder people. Everyone can commit murder. What separate the mc from others?

 

[Bimbanana]

Ugh, if there's still slot left i actually want to ask help for feedback for my new unreleased novel (7 chapters).

But i dont know if you would accept it grumpy blob, and i also dont know how to share it since its not released yet

 

[greyblob]

Ugh, if there's still slot left i actually want to ask help for feedback for my new unreleased novel (7 chapters).

But i dont know if you would accept it grumpy blob, and i also dont know how to share it since its not released yet

chapter reviews are usually just editing sessions but i can take a look anyway. you can post it here or gdocs or whatever works for you just dont require a signup for me to read