Writing New guy here, and problems about my own story.

[CypherTails]

OH DAAAAAAAAA**********NNNNNNNN
Now that, I fully understand. Wow, thanks mate, so the things I've missed are basically the conflict and pressure. But, sadly that only answers the first problem. My second problem now is their emotions. I've read many stories and even watched them (Yes, including SAO, full metal alchemist, etc.), and the emotions they release are astonishing. Even the novel "Beginning after the end" brought me sadness when something bad happens, but when I look at my story, when something sad happens, it's... Not sad. I guess attack on titan gave me a huge impact. But, basically the only thing missing now is the part where if this scene is sad, even the readers will feel sad, when this scene invokes anger, even the readers will get mad at them, when this scene is sweet, the readers could giggle at their interactions. This is the type of story-writing that I need last.

For emotional impact, the main way is stakes in the story. A story that the protagonist has something to lose or stands to fail creates tension. When there is something on the line then the reader will be more likely get invested. This doesn't have to be something grim and morbid, one example I can think of is Nisekoi. The two girls each have a key and the main protagonist has a lock. Both girls are hinted to be possibly an important person in the main protagonists past. This creates an element of the unknown and suspense. A hidden danger has much more impact than a known one. Our brains are designed to fear the unknown so it's something a writer should leverage on.

Build up your tension and move towards a climax then release the tension and give a pay off. Your story structure should be based on "Hills and Valleys". This is also why so many stories has an arc structure.

New environment (lvl 1 Tension) --> New threat (lvl 2 tension) --> Unexpected event causes things to screw up (lvl 3 tension) --> threat is approaching (lvl 4 tension) --> final fight is here (MAX tension) --> protagonist wins (tension deescalates) --> Pay off and wrap up (Back to lvl 1 tension)

In terms of small events for character development, one way is to tap on things that most people can relate to. A relationship with a parent/sibling/friend, a rejection by a love interest, the loss of a loved one/pet, a day of fun with your friends. Something almost everyone has experienced. However, that said these moments can't all just be happy happy fun times. There must be hard times as well, moments of weakness are much more human that moments of triumph. Remember, light shines brightest in the dark.

A simple example I can come up with just off the top of my head:

The protagonist just got rejected by a girl. So he's feeling like shit, his world is basically collapsing around him. So he goes to his favorite cafe to mope. (perfectly human reaction because the cafe is a safe space) Then his childhood friend who also happens to be a girl comes in and takes a seat at the table. They talk and the protagonist says depressing stuff like, I'm hopeless, I'm not attractive... blah blah blah.

In this scene you can put several things in to make it emotional, but these things must have meaning like.

Girl: "Hey."
Boy: "Hey..."
Girl: "I heard about what happened..."
Boy: "I want to be alone"
Girl: "Then you shouldn't pick this cafe, I introduced it to you after all."
Boy: "Then I guess I should have just gone home...
GIrl: "I know where you live and your mum gave me a spare key"
Boy: "Right..."
Girl: "Why didn't you order a coffee?"
Boy:"I spent all my money on the flowers..."

The girl then orders the protagonists usual drink of choice with all the usual specifications that she would only know due to their close relationship. The above conversation shows that these two have a history, you can convey this information through simple interaction. No need for some explanation. They way the talk also shows they are close, you aren't that forward with a stranger.

After the protagonist is done moping the two part ways with a simple exchange.

Girl " See you in school tomorrow."
Boy "Yeah... Sena? (random girl name)"
Girl: "Hmm?"
Boy "Thanks..."

Then the scene ends.

A scene like this is much more impactful than if the two of them were hanging out on a typical afternoon. You can still have happy times but a moment of weakness now and then is also a powerful tool at your disposal as a writer. Remember humans behave differently to different humans, that difference in behavior is a story telling element in and of itself. Many things go unsaid in human interactions, those truly close to us can understand us without us having to say it. Show that connection and the story starts to come alive piece by piece. Actions are only as useful in a story as the meaning behind them.

Also be careful not to make it too depressing, a pathetic character that is pathetic for too long is not likable. A good character is one that can overcome his own flaws and rise above them. Use contrast to give impact to the emotional side of the story, in a happy story, the sad moments sting more and in a sad story the happy moments taste sweeter. Use that contrast, it is a very important tool for any story. These moments of contrast can be used to tie the relationships even more among characters, "Common scars" and "Shared parades". Moments shared between characters are important, that is how a relationship is built.

In anime/TV/Movie the demand on character development is not as high because it is a fundamentally a visual medium. In writing it's text based, this means more inner monologue, events with no deeper meaning is just bland narration. So you must use the tools at your disposal, do not try to imitate another medium too heavily. Fight scenes aren't flashy in books, they are emotionally charged and filled with stakes. That's what makes a good climax. This applies to all kinds of story climaxes, a final confession, a death, a climatic fight. The playbook is more or less the same.

Hope this helps.

 

[someonesomeguy]

well my secret for good dilagoue is i just literally copy paste the dilagoue i had myself when i think about bi monthly existential crisis. You know when you talk with yourself. I just write that down. Like you sit and start thinking about and realise that i should live by stoicism and then you think about death and your desires again and decide that stocism is completely stupid and you now like absurdism and hedonism. Or when you decide that you don't care about art or knowledge after all and just want to maximize fun and thinking is no way superior to just dumb fun and anime.
I just write my thoughts in those moments down.
Then i just distribute thoughts between characters based on there personalities.

Like for example i have a upbeat girl who has simple goals but is still is really smart. So i would just make her say the arguments for fun and experiencing life.
The stoic scientist type character will say arguments about value of knowledge and how he has "a desire to know so great that even his corpse will move to know and he would die to know" .
Then upbeat girl goes " that won't matter when you are dead . What matter would how fun your life was when you alive not how much you know"

Basically you write a few arguments like this in the story and all the characters suddenly become complex and realistic and smart.

I don't know why but this is just a pretty good way for characterization. People feel bland just give them one of your characterization.

Like try to remember what you thought 6 months ago and what you think now. People change so much over the time that you can just make all characters versions of yourself.


oh and you can also base conversations among characters based on real conversations you have had.


Seriously just have characters talk philosphy you talked with yourself. and boom instant fleshed out characters. Just keep them consistent .


Just have characters explain to each other why are they the way they are.


When i write dialogue i just talk with my characters.

 

[Sylverius]

For emotional impact, the main way is stakes in the story. A story that the protagonist has something to lose or stands to fail creates tension. When there is something on the line then the reader will be more likely get invested. This doesn't have to be something grim and morbid, one example I can think of is Nisekoi. The two girls each have a key and the main protagonist has a lock. Both girls are hinted to be possibly an important person in the main protagonists past. This creates an element of the unknown and suspense. A hidden danger has much more impact than a known one. Our brains are designed to fear the unknown so it's something a writer should leverage on.

Build up your tension and move towards a climax then release the tension and give a pay off. Your story structure should be based on "Hills and Valleys". This is also why so many stories has an arc structure.

New environment (lvl 1 Tension) --> New threat (lvl 2 tension) --> Unexpected event causes things to screw up (lvl 3 tension) --> threat is approaching (lvl 4 tension) --> final fight is here (MAX tension) --> protagonist wins (tension deescalates) --> Pay off and wrap up (Back to lvl 1 tension)

In terms of small events for character development, one way is to tap on things that most people can relate to. A relationship with a parent/sibling/friend, a rejection by a love interest, the loss of a loved one/pet, a day of fun with your friends. Something almost everyone has experienced. However, that said these moments can't all just be happy happy fun times. There must be hard times as well, moments of weakness are much more human that moments of triumph. Remember, light shines brightest in the dark.

A simple example I can come up with just off the top of my head:

The protagonist just got rejected by a girl. So he's feeling like shit, his world is basically collapsing around him. So he goes to his favorite cafe to mope. (perfectly human reaction because the cafe is a safe space) Then his childhood friend who also happens to be a girl comes in and takes a seat at the table. They talk and the protagonist says depressing stuff like, I'm hopeless, I'm not attractive... blah blah blah.

In this scene you can put several things in to make it emotional, but these things must have meaning like.

Girl: "Hey."
Boy: "Hey..."
Girl: "I heard about what happened..."
Boy: "I want to be alone"
Girl: "Then you shouldn't pick this cafe, I introduced it to you after all."
Boy: "Then I guess I should have just gone home...
GIrl: "I know where you live and your mum gave me a spare key"
Boy: "Right..."
Girl: "Why didn't you order a coffee?"
Boy:"I spent all my money on the flowers..."

The girl then orders the protagonists usual drink of choice with all the usual specifications that she would only know due to their close relationship. The above conversation shows that these two have a history, you can convey this information through simple interaction. No need for some explanation. They way the talk also shows they are close, you aren't that forward with a stranger.

After the protagonist is done moping the two part ways with a simple exchange.

Girl " See you in school tomorrow."
Boy "Yeah... Sena? (random girl name)"
Girl: "Hmm?"
Boy "Thanks..."

Then the scene ends.

A scene like this is much more impactful than if the two of them were hanging out on a typical afternoon. You can still have happy times but a moment of weakness now and then is also a powerful tool at your disposal as a writer. Remember humans behave differently to different humans, that difference in behavior is a story telling element in and of itself. Many things go unsaid in human interactions, those truly close to us can understand us without us having to say it. Show that connection and the story starts to come alive piece by piece. Actions are only as useful in a story as the meaning behind them.

Also be careful not to make it too depressing, a pathetic character that is pathetic for too long is not likable. A good character is one that can overcome his own flaws and rise above them. Use contrast to give impact to the emotional side of the story, in a happy story, the sad moments sting more and in a sad story the happy moments taste sweeter. Use that contrast, it is a very important tool for any story. These moments of contrast can be used to tie the relationships even more among characters, "Common scars" and "Shared parades". Moments shared between characters are important, that is how a relationship is built.

In anime/TV/Movie the demand on character development is not as high because it is a fundamentally a visual medium. In writing it's text based, this means more inner monologue, events with no deeper meaning is just bland narration. So you must use the tools at your disposal, do not try to imitate another medium too heavily. Fight scenes aren't flashy in books, they are emotionally charged and filled with stakes. That's what makes a good climax. This applies to all kinds of story climaxes, a final confession, a death, a climatic fight. The playbook is more or less the same.

Hope this helps.

I have this scene that is similar to that, but I should at least put it here for you guys to criticize it:

"Magnus... Are... Are you still there?"

"Yeah... I'm, I'm here... I'm still holding your hand... Hang on there... Please..."

Silence was all we heard, seconds later, she spoke once more.

"Magnus?"

"... Y-yeah?" I spoke, with my voice slowly losing strength by what's happening to her.

"Can you... Say 'I love you'... 10 times, fast?" The girl trying to speak with her all on Magnus' chest.

"... I... Love you..."

"Mmh"

"... I love you..." Tears fell once more on my 2nd repetition.

"M... Hmm" She whispered.

"I love... You..."

"..."

"I... Love you..."

I grasped her hand even tighter as her blood kept flowing.

"... Terra?"

"... Mmh..."

"I love you..."

"..."

"I love you..." I grit my teeth on the 6th repetition, preparing myself as I embrace her even tighter to my chest.

"... Mmh..." Her voice getting weaker and weaker than the last kept confirming me that there was still hope.

I grit my teeth even harder and yelled my all.

"I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH! SO PLEASE...... Please...... please... just live..."

I cried as I said those words. As I kept crying, her hand that were as soft as cottons and smoother than silk caressed my face. It wasn't obvious that she was also a sword-wielder. I opened my eyes to see her smile once more. Ah... Even in the face of death, her smile is so pure.

"Magnus..."

"Yeah?..."

"... I... Love... You..." As she said her final words, her hands slowly lost strength and fell.

"Eh? Terra? TERRA? OI WAKE UP! TERRA! WAKE UP! I... I CAN'T! TERRA!"

-End of scene-

What do you guys think? TBH, I was crying when I was writing this hahaha

 

[Sylverius]

I have this scene that is similar to that, but I should at least put it here for you guys to criticize it:

"Magnus... Are... Are you still there?"

"Yeah... I'm, I'm here... I'm still holding your hand... Hang on there... Please..."

Silence was all we heard, seconds later, she spoke once more.

"Magnus?"

"... Y-yeah?" I spoke, with my voice slowly losing strength by what's happening to her.

"Can you... Say 'I love you'... 10 times, fast?" The girl trying to speak with her all on Magnus' chest.

"... I... Love you..."

"Mmh"

"... I love you..." Tears fell once more on my 2nd repetition.

"M... Hmm" She whispered.

"I love... You..."

"..."

"I... Love you..."

I grasped her hand even tighter as her blood kept flowing.

"... Terra?"

"... Mmh..."

"I love you..."

"..."

"I love you..." I grit my teeth on the 6th repetition, preparing myself as I embrace her even tighter to my chest.

"... Mmh..." Her voice getting weaker and weaker than the last kept confirming me that there was still hope.

I grit my teeth even harder and yelled my all.

"I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH! SO PLEASE...... Please...... please... just live..."

I cried as I said those words. As I kept crying, her hand that were as soft as cottons and smoother than silk caressed my face. It wasn't obvious that she was also a sword-wielder. I opened my eyes to see her smile once more. Ah... Even in the face of death, her smile is so pure.

"Magnus..."

"Yeah?..."

"... I... Love... You..." As she said her final words, her hands slowly lost strength and fell.

"Eh? Terra? TERRA? OI WAKE UP! TERRA! WAKE UP! I... I CAN'T! TERRA!"

-End of scene-

What do you guys think? TBH, I was crying when I was writing this hahaha

Also, in case you guys think I missed his point, I didn't. When I read his point, I actually considered it and planned it since I'm reworking my story. I actually like his idea and I plan on putting it on the other characters for developments' sake. And yes, I did consider about them being non-morbid. Also, because of his tip, I now know and understood how the stories' emotional wave works. I just wanted to post my part for criticism sake. Just wanted to clear this one out.

 

[CypherTails]

I have this scene that is similar to that, but I should at least put it here for you guys to criticize it:

"Magnus... Are... Are you still there?"

"Yeah... I'm, I'm here... I'm still holding your hand... Hang on there... Please..."

Silence was all we heard, seconds later, she spoke once more.

"Magnus?"

"... Y-yeah?" I spoke, with my voice slowly losing strength by what's happening to her.

"Can you... Say 'I love you'... 10 times, fast?" The girl trying to speak with her all on Magnus' chest.

"... I... Love you..."

"Mmh"

"... I love you..." Tears fell once more on my 2nd repetition.

"M... Hmm" She whispered.

"I love... You..."

"..."

"I... Love you..."

I grasped her hand even tighter as her blood kept flowing.

"... Terra?"

"... Mmh..."

"I love you..."

"..."

"I love you..." I grit my teeth on the 6th repetition, preparing myself as I embrace her even tighter to my chest.

"... Mmh..." Her voice getting weaker and weaker than the last kept confirming me that there was still hope.

I grit my teeth even harder and yelled my all.

"I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH! SO PLEASE...... Please...... please... just live..."

I cried as I said those words. As I kept crying, her hand that were as soft as cottons and smoother than silk caressed my face. It wasn't obvious that she was also a sword-wielder. I opened my eyes to see her smile once more. Ah... Even in the face of death, her smile is so pure.

"Magnus..."

"Yeah?..."

"... I... Love... You..." As she said her final words, her hands slowly lost strength and fell.

"Eh? Terra? TERRA? OI WAKE UP! TERRA! WAKE UP! I... I CAN'T! TERRA!"

-End of scene-

What do you guys think? TBH, I was crying when I was writing this hahaha

So first thing I would like to say is that as a scene in isolation it seems a little cringe, but that's normal for this case. The reasons for this is that cringe as a thing although subjective, there are ways to mitigate it even if you don't change the scene itself. Cringe from what I understand is moment in a scene that goes above the emotional threshold for the tone leading up to that point. Basically the emotions spike too quickly and it shatters the suspension of disbelief. So since your scene is placed here in isolation and is emotionally charged it will sound cringe to an extent no matter what. This is a delicate line that author has to thread because scenes like this are usually great turning point for the story, if you get it wrong then the story suffers greatly for it. My advice is keep that in mind when you write scenes like this. I know this may sound quite pressurizing but this in essence is one of the skills of a good writer. I don't claim to be a good writer I just understand the theory, the execution is always the struggle.

So with that out of the way I'll give my two cents on the scene, I'll try to keep it technical and give some advice on that since that's all I can really comment on given the limited context. If I sound cold I apologize but I feel being objective is usually the best way to give critic.

1) The phrase "I love you" is overused here. The reason I say that this phrase is a powerful phrase. Using it too much in one scene sort of lessens the impact.

2) That phrase also has the cringe danger, simply because it's cliche. That's all there is to it, it's an overused phrase so there is a risk to using it. Many romance novels, don't actually use that line until very specific moments for this reason. Remember a very fine line between cringe and impactful.

3) On that note I feel it would be better instead of having the protagonist do all the talking, having them have a short exchange. Like a past event that both of them shared, a moment of nostalgia to remind the reader of what has been lost with this death. It makes it more personal to the characters as well as humanizes the loss.

4) Grief in such situations is often not so dramatic until after the character dies, the moment of death is often the breaking point for the dam of emotions. Especially for sudden unexpected deaths, most people can't process what's going on, so they fall into denial, or they start grasping at straws looking for insane solutions, or even just try and block it out entirely. True grief is often bordering on madness and hysteria. Most don't shout at a dying person, most people just beg as if if they can persuade the person not to die.

Like that last part in the line.

.... Please...... please... just live..."

Again severe grief often borders on madness.

5) This line

"Eh? Terra? TERRA? OI WAKE UP! TERRA! WAKE UP! I... I CAN'T! TERRA!"

Be careful how you use sounds like "Eh" and "Oi" because depending on the tone or the culture of the reader it can sound weird in the situation. Like to me "OI WAKE UP" sounds like someone shouting in kind of a rude way, which doesn't really fit. If just take out the Eh and the Oi it actually makes the line sound better.

6) Also for the above line like I said previously the shouting comes after the death so I would suggest a low build that culminates into a shout of grief.

So simple change:

"Terra? Terra? Please don't go... I... I can't... I CAN'T! TERRA!"


Last tip, if writing a scene moves you to tears that's good, emotion when writing makes the words feel more raw. However, that also makes it less logical and prone to technical errors. Afterall emotion and logic are created in two different parts of the brain. So I suggest you write the scene, then take a break, sleep on it and try to edit the scene again with a clear mind. It should give you the best of both worlds.

 

[Horizon42]

Uhh, so I just wanna get the "Hi I'm a new guy here" out of the way because I suck at making introductions.
Straight to the point, basically, I've created the story's beginning, to middle, of course no art because I also suck at digital art.
The main problems I've discovered were 2 in particular. One, is development. They've kept their personalities, and only the protagonist got to develop mentally and emotionally throughout the years. The second problem was the emotions. The only emotion that I have is from the protagonist again. The side characters felt... Stale. They were empty, and felt dispensable. They didn't feel like the protagonist's friend at all, and I don't want that. Everyone except the protagonist felt robotic, that's why I need help. My friend referred me to this site because I've been stuck on a notepad. If anyone can tell me any tips, I highly appreciate it.

Giving your character's weaknesses is one of the first things you should do. Some might be small, others can be big. After that, you can add passions, hobbies, and strange little quirks. Like a character might have an obsession with the color green, even in their food. They might have nervous ticks, tap their foot a lot, etc.

 

[Moe1998]

A piece of advice that I heard a while ago and had worked very well for me.

Write an introduction in those side characters' POV. Let them describe their history, motivations, personality, you can even let them express how they felt about certain major events in the novel.

Do this for your most important 3 or 4 side characters and by the time you're finished, you'll find that you have a much better understanding of them as people and not just plot-devices to support your MC, and if you're ever conflicted about how they should feel or act in a certain situation, go back to that character introduction and try to see that situation from their POV.

It's also very important for each side character to have a goal they're working to achieve and not just be "I'll do whatever you say MC-sama" especially the love interest.

 

[Ai-chan]

Well, since it's explained at episode 1 and 2, I guess it won't hurt or spoil to say how the direction goes.
Basically, the protagonist is based on me, a sensitive and emotional kid who acts before thinking. He has 4 childhood friends. 1st is Bea, from the name, she's a girl. She's very kind and caring to her friends, but when she talks to a stranger or a high-standing person, she freezes up. 2nd is Gran, he's the edgy type of guy, usually very cringy, but his leadership is good. Next is Kenny. He's the tank, he's also a very charismatic and charming guy, he's also there for comic reliefs. Then, the last of the 4 is Levy, she's very quiet, serious as well as secretive.
The hard part is, how do I make them, "them"?

And yes, in the story, there is a part where the spotlight will change from MC to his 4 friends, but as I wrote it and re-read my completed projects over and over again, it didn't have any emotions and/or impact. Whenever I read the novel, "The Beginning after the end" where it shows his friends' emotions and comedic skits and the novel "Mushoku tensei" where it encapsulates the protagonist being "human". I was inspired and my life's views were impacted on the show "Shingeki no Kyojin" or Attack on Titan, which made me keep trying to rework the story in order for the emotions to impact the viewers or readers, such as their fears, their sadness, anger, joy, disgust, and many more.

Sorry for the long post.

Oh, I almost forgot. The main goal of the story is basically, he needs to grow stronger and stronger as well as live long. The reason is explained in episode 1 as well.

Are you aware of the Japanese game of connecting syllables where you say a word and your friend take the last syllable of that word and say a word with that syllable as the first syllable of his word?

It's actually a game that authors in Japan also use to develop their characters. What you do is basically, get the single most central trait of that character and keep that throughout the game. For example, we shall take Gran, whom you specified to be edgy and cringy. Let's go with cringy, because that always provokes a response from readers.

Now type 'cringy' into google. And you got @CupcakeNinja

... just kidding.

Don't know what you'd get, but Ai-chan got:

adjective
informal
adjective: cringy

1. 1.
   causing feelings of embarrassment or awkwardness.
   "one of his cringey attempts at camaraderie"
   
   
2. 2.
   servile or timid; cringing.
   "he was cringey and smarmy when Carstairs was there and called him all sorts of horrible names when he wasn't"

You could use this, maybe make him a timid cringe, but Ai-chan doesn't like it, so let's look more.

Someone or something that makes you embarrassed to be a part of the human race. Usually classified by seeing something and feeling extremely embarrassed, throwing your head back and closing your eyes to block your view of the cringy media, and biting your lip to keep in your scream of utter disgust. In some cases, a person viewing cringy media may also feel an almost unbearable feeling of wanting to kill themselves. You can usually tell when a person is viewing cringy media because their device (phone, tablet, anything that has access to the internet has access to this shitty media) is in their hands and they are closing their eyes and making a noise like "hnngh!" Either that, or they are severely constipated.

Hmmm, this thing from urban dictionary sounds fascinating. So we can make Gran someone who is a total cringe that makes you embarrassed to be a part of the human race, but at the same time, his cringe hides a significant issue, in that he is always severely constipated and his cringe is what happened when he wanted to shit, but couldn't, so he took his mind off the discomfort by being an embarrassment.

But let's continue, google search 'constipation'.

Constipation occurs when bowel movements become less frequent and stools become difficult to pass. It happens most often due to changes in diet or routine, or due to inadequate intake of fiber. You should call your doctor if you have severe pain, blood in your stools, or constipation that lasts longer than three weeks.

Oh come on, this is so useless.

15 Healthy Foods That Help You Poop

• Apples. Apples are a good source of fiber, with one small apple (5.3 ounces or 149 grams) providing 3.6 grams of fiber ( 2 ). ...
• Prunes. Prunes are often used as a natural laxative — and for good reason. ...
• Kiwi. ...
• Flax seeds. ...
• Pears. ...
• Beans. ...
• Rhubarb. ...
• Artichokes.

Ah... this is interesting. 15 foods that help you poop. So we can have Gran be the cringy guy who suffer extreme constipation, who would drop everything for beans. Yes, beans.

Let's search further. Google 'beans'.

What are beans? · Protein: 15 grams · Fat: 1 gram · Carbs: 45 grams · Fiber: 15 grams · Iron: 20% of the Daily Value (DV) · Calcium: 8% of the DV ...

Utterly useless!

The most common side effects of eating beans are gas and intestinal discomfort. These are not dangerous but can be unpleasant and even painful for some people. When a person adds beans to their diet, they should increase the amount gradually to give their gut time to adjust.

Ah! Gas, is it?

So then here is the description for Gran:
Gran is a cringy guy who makes his teammates embarrassed to be part of the human race. He suffers from extreme constipation and his cringiness becomes worse as his need to shit increases while failing to shit. He has a thing for beans and would drop everything, even his wounded pals at the mere mention of beans. In one incident, it was noted that he switched sides when the enemy mentioned that she could cook him a magical bean that would clear up his ass. During battle, he fights not only with his big sword, but he also applies a debuff effect on every enemy who crashed against his sword as he would let loose a large puff of toxic gas with each blow. Creatures with good noses such as dogs, wolves, goblins and orcs would stay away from him, making him able to solo an escort quest in orc-infested regions.

Should we go further? Maybe we should. What do you think? Of course, this is just an example.

Alternatively, you could also use synonyms or antonyms to provide additional trait points

 

[EternalSunset0]

I have this scene that is similar to that, but I should at least put it here for you guys to criticize it:

"Magnus... Are... Are you still there?"

"Yeah... I'm, I'm here... I'm still holding your hand... Hang on there... Please..."

Silence was all we heard, seconds later, she spoke once more.

"Magnus?"

"... Y-yeah?" I spoke, with my voice slowly losing strength by what's happening to her.

"Can you... Say 'I love you'... 10 times, fast?" The girl trying to speak with her all on Magnus' chest.

"... I... Love you..."

"Mmh"

"... I love you..." Tears fell once more on my 2nd repetition.

"M... Hmm" She whispered.

"I love... You..."

"..."

"I... Love you..."

I grasped her hand even tighter as her blood kept flowing.

"... Terra?"

"... Mmh..."

"I love you..."

"..."

"I love you..." I grit my teeth on the 6th repetition, preparing myself as I embrace her even tighter to my chest.

"... Mmh..." Her voice getting weaker and weaker than the last kept confirming me that there was still hope.

I grit my teeth even harder and yelled my all.

"I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH! SO PLEASE...... Please...... please... just live..."

I cried as I said those words. As I kept crying, her hand that were as soft as cottons and smoother than silk caressed my face. It wasn't obvious that she was also a sword-wielder. I opened my eyes to see her smile once more. Ah... Even in the face of death, her smile is so pure.

"Magnus..."

"Yeah?..."

"... I... Love... You..." As she said her final words, her hands slowly lost strength and fell.

"Eh? Terra? TERRA? OI WAKE UP! TERRA! WAKE UP! I... I CAN'T! TERRA!"

-End of scene-

What do you guys think? TBH, I was crying when I was writing this hahaha

I liked it. I read their lines with seiyuu in mind, and I can feel the impact of the scene. I don't know the full context, but I personally just pieced together a setting and how the characters were set up. Not bad.

I didn't cry, but I'm really just the guy who rarely feels strong emotions. That also goes with any sort of media besides the goosebumps on some cool scenes that get me hyped.

I personally wouldn't cringe at that.

 

[Sylverius]

So first thing I would like to say is that as a scene in isolation it seems a little cringe, but that's normal for this case. The reasons for this is that cringe as a thing although subjective, there are ways to mitigate it even if you don't change the scene itself. Cringe from what I understand is moment in a scene that goes above the emotional threshold for the tone leading up to that point. Basically the emotions spike too quickly and it shatters the suspension of disbelief. So since your scene is placed here in isolation and is emotionally charged it will sound cringe to an extent no matter what. This is a delicate line that author has to thread because scenes like this are usually great turning point for the story, if you get it wrong then the story suffers greatly for it. My advice is keep that in mind when you write scenes like this. I know this may sound quite pressurizing but this in essence is one of the skills of a good writer. I don't claim to be a good writer I just understand the theory, the execution is always the struggle.

So with that out of the way I'll give my two cents on the scene, I'll try to keep it technical and give some advice on that since that's all I can really comment on given the limited context. If I sound cold I apologize but I feel being objective is usually the best way to give critic.

1) The phrase "I love you" is overused here. The reason I say that this phrase is a powerful phrase. Using it too much in one scene sort of lessens the impact.

2) That phrase also has the cringe danger, simply because it's cliche. That's all there is to it, it's an overused phrase so there is a risk to using it. Many romance novels, don't actually use that line until very specific moments for this reason. Remember a very fine line between cringe and impactful.

3) On that note I feel it would be better instead of having the protagonist do all the talking, having them have a short exchange. Like a past event that both of them shared, a moment of nostalgia to remind the reader of what has been lost with this death. It makes it more personal to the characters as well as humanizes the loss.

4) Grief in such situations is often not so dramatic until after the character dies, the moment of death is often the breaking point for the dam of emotions. Especially for sudden unexpected deaths, most people can't process what's going on, so they fall into denial, or they start grasping at straws looking for insane solutions, or even just try and block it out entirely. True grief is often bordering on madness and hysteria. Most don't shout at a dying person, most people just beg as if if they can persuade the person not to die.

Like that last part in the line.


Again severe grief often borders on madness.

5) This line


Be careful how you use sounds like "Eh" and "Oi" because depending on the tone or the culture of the reader it can sound weird in the situation. Like to me "OI WAKE UP" sounds like someone shouting in kind of a rude way, which doesn't really fit. If just take out the Eh and the Oi it actually makes the line sound better.

6) Also for the above line like I said previously the shouting comes after the death so I would suggest a low build that culminates into a shout of grief.

So simple change:

"Terra? Terra? Please don't go... I... I can't... I CAN'T! TERRA!"


Last tip, if writing a scene moves you to tears that's good, emotion when writing makes the words feel more raw. However, that also makes it less logical and prone to technical errors. Afterall emotion and logic are created in two different parts of the brain. So I suggest you write the scene, then take a break, sleep on it and try to edit the scene again with a clear mind. It should give you the best of both worlds.

Okay so first of all, even I sound cold, so no biggie hahaha.
Okay, main point, your suggestion is actually helpful for me. Although "Magnus" and "Terra" aren't really their names for spoilers' sake.

About the "'I love you' phrase is cringe"... Yeah it very much is in my opinion, "Magnus", in this story, is a very emotional person that acts before thinking. For him, being polite is meaningless when you can only live once (this is his belief btw). But yeah, the "I love you" is kinda cringe, but I don't know what to switch it with. But hey, if I can't think of anything else, in your defense, I guess I should lessen the use of the "I love you" phrase. Buuutttt Meh. Just in case, I'll put it into consideration.

About your 3rd critique, like the thing about the flashbacks and stuff like that, it's shown on her deathbed where "Magnus" slowly ******************************************. (spoiler alert hehe)

"Magnus", again, is a person that acts before thinking. He's a very emotional guy. So emotional, in fact, that there are times where he puts aside all logic just for his emotions, which is the part where he shouts at "Terra" who is dying, because he's already in the state of denial. He forces himself that "Terra" will live and that she will not die without him going first.

And yes, he is rude, but your small change, where you removed his rude part, I'll also put it into consideration.

Also, if I sound rude, I am so sorry. I don't mean any rudeness, any bad things, I actually really like being criticized at things like this because that way, I can strive to become better. Thanks for your criticisms hahaha.

 

[Sylverius]

Are you aware of the Japanese game of connecting syllables where you say a word and your friend take the last syllable of that word and say a word with that syllable as the first syllable of his word?

It's actually a game that authors in Japan also use to develop their characters. What you do is basically, get the single most central trait of that character and keep that throughout the game. For example, we shall take Gran, whom you specified to be edgy and cringy. Let's go with cringy, because that always provokes a response from readers.

Now type 'cringy' into google. And you got @CupcakeNinja

... just kidding.

Don't know what you'd get, but Ai-chan got:


You could use this, maybe make him a timid cringe, but Ai-chan doesn't like it, so let's look more.


Hmmm, this thing from urban dictionary sounds fascinating. So we can make Gran someone who is a total cringe that makes you embarrassed to be a part of the human race, but at the same time, his cringe hides a significant issue, in that he is always severely constipated and his cringe is what happened when he wanted to shit, but couldn't, so he took his mind off the discomfort by being an embarrassment.

But let's continue, google search 'constipation'.


Oh come on, this is so useless.


Ah... this is interesting. 15 foods that help you poop. So we can have Gran be the cringy guy who suffer extreme constipation, who would drop everything for beans. Yes, beans.

Let's search further. Google 'beans'.


Utterly useless!


Ah! Gas, is it?

So then here is the description for Gran:
Gran is a cringy guy who makes his teammates embarrassed to be part of the human race. He suffers from extreme constipation and his cringiness becomes worse as his need to shit increases while failing to shit. He has a thing for beans and would drop everything, even his wounded pals at the mere mention of beans. In one incident, it was noted that he switched sides when the enemy mentioned that she could cook him a magical bean that would clear up his ass. During battle, he fights not only with his big sword, but he also applies a debuff effect on every enemy who crashed against his sword as he would let loose a large puff of toxic gas with each blow. Creatures with good noses such as dogs, wolves, goblins and orcs would stay away from him, making him able to solo an escort quest in orc-infested regions.

Should we go further? Maybe we should. What do you think? Of course, this is just an example.

Alternatively, you could also use synonyms or antonyms to provide additional trait points

Now that, that's comedy right there.

But the thing I was thinking about Gran was that he's a "Chuunibyou". His race is the very rare "Dragonkin", same with the other 4 of them. They all cringe when he goes "Full-Chuuni", but your description... Hmm... Since the story isn't really over yet, I can add a character with the same description. Hey, thanks for the suggestion, I appreciate it.

 

[Zavha0mnic]

Uhh, so I just wanna get the "Hi I'm a new guy here" out of the way because I suck at making introductions.
Straight to the point, basically, I've created the story's beginning, to middle, of course no art because I also suck at digital art.
The main problems I've discovered were 2 in particular. One, is development. They've kept their personalities, and only the protagonist got to develop mentally and emotionally throughout the years. The second problem was the emotions. The only emotion that I have is from the protagonist again. The side characters felt... Stale. They were empty, and felt dispensable. They didn't feel like the protagonist's friend at all, and I don't want that. Everyone except the protagonist felt robotic, that's why I need help. My friend referred me to this site because I've been stuck on notepad. If anyone can tell me any tips, I highly appreciate it.

Or you kill everyone around the protaganist! Muhahaha!

 

[Sylverius]

Welp, big news, I'm planning on releasing the first chapter. It might look boring since it will explain many things about him and the God he meets.
I might make a new post on another forum to see the feedbacks of the readers. Or maybe just make a poll, what do you guys think?

 

[EternalSunset0]

Welp, big news, I'm planning on releasing the first chapter. It might look boring since it will explain many things about him and the God he meets.
I might make a new post on another forum to see the feedbacks of the readers. Or maybe just make a poll, what do you guys think?

Publish it

 

[CypherTails]

Welp, big news, I'm planning on releasing the first chapter. It might look boring since it will explain many things about him and the God he meets.
I might make a new post on another forum to see the feedbacks of the readers. Or maybe just make a poll, what do you guys think?

Yeah what ever advice you get on forums is at best theory, you still need practice in application to really improve. So I would suggest just posting it and see how it goes.

 

[Sylverius]

I want to leave this thread opened just in case if any newcomers want to see this thread. Lots of helpful tips that could hopefully help them are in here. Also, if anyone still wants to help me about the same topic, feel free to post!

Also, the first chapter has been posted, if you want to read it, I'll post the link here: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/237223-king/chapter/237592/

I'll be making a feedback forum soon.

 

[CypherTails]

Okay so first of all, even I sound cold, so no biggie hahaha.
Okay, main point, your suggestion is actually helpful for me. Although "Magnus" and "Terra" aren't really their names for spoilers' sake.

About the "'I love you' phrase is cringe"... Yeah it very much is in my opinion, "Magnus", in this story, is a very emotional person that acts before thinking. For him, being polite is meaningless when you can only live once (this is his belief btw). But yeah, the "I love you" is kinda cringe, but I don't know what to switch it with. But hey, if I can't think of anything else, in your defense, I guess I should lessen the use of the "I love you" phrase. Buuutttt Meh. Just in case, I'll put it into consideration.

About your 3rd critique, like the thing about the flashbacks and stuff like that, it's shown on her deathbed where "Magnus" slowly ******************************************. (spoiler alert hehe)

"Magnus", again, is a person that acts before thinking. He's a very emotional guy. So emotional, in fact, that there are times where he puts aside all logic just for his emotions, which is the part where he shouts at "Terra" who is dying, because he's already in the state of denial. He forces himself that "Terra" will live and that she will not die without him going first.

And yes, he is rude, but your small change, where you removed his rude part, I'll also put it into consideration.

Also, if I sound rude, I am so sorry. I don't mean any rudeness, any bad things, I actually really like being criticized at things like this because that way, I can strive to become better. Thanks for your criticisms hahaha.

Don't worry about it at the end of the day it's YOUR story. I'm just giving my two cents of an out of context scene. Remember I'm just some random guy on the internet, this story is yours so make it what you want it to be.

Emotional characters who abandon logic are quite difficult to write. If your character comes across as incompetent and succeeds through dumb luck then there may be some who don't like it. Then again this is the so called "traditional" logic, series like Overlord, bucks writing convention by removing the tension completely and I love it. So don't be afraid to try something difficult, I tried something ambitious and failed catastrophically for my first story. However, in truth the success doesn't matter, what mattes is I learned a lot from it. Tough endeavors often teach a lot of things so don't be afraid to try things out. The worse thing that can happen honestly is that you become a better writer from all your mistakes. So just go for it.

Also one last thing just going to bounce an idea to you with that rude Magnus thing. If the protagonist rude you can make that into a little something that ties the relationship closer. Abrasive people have few friends so the ones they do have are usually close ones. So that Oi Wake Up can be a phrase that is often used between these two characters. Which turns it from being rude to endearing. Just an idea.

 

[Sylverius]

First chapter of 'King' is out! Any criticisms? + explanation for the long chapter(s)

So, I've released my first chapter. It's my first story, but any and all criticisms are accepted. If you haven't read it yet, go here: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/237223-king/chapter/237592/ Now, about why this chapter was long, in the original version, it was so short. There was barely...

forum.scribblehub.com

This is the feedback thread if anyone visits this!

If the protagonist rude you can make that into a little something that ties the relationship closer.

Hmm, good idea actually, never thought of that.

 

[CupcakeNinja]

Are you aware of the Japanese game of connecting syllables where you say a word and your friend take the last syllable of that word and say a word with that syllable as the first syllable of his word?

It's actually a game that authors in Japan also use to develop their characters. What you do is basically, get the single most central trait of that character and keep that throughout the game. For example, we shall take Gran, whom you specified to be edgy and cringy. Let's go with cringy, because that always provokes a response from readers.

Now type 'cringy' into google. And you got @CupcakeNinja

... just kidding.

Don't know what you'd get, but Ai-chan got:


You could use this, maybe make him a timid cringe, but Ai-chan doesn't like it, so let's look more.


Hmmm, this thing from urban dictionary sounds fascinating. So we can make Gran someone who is a total cringe that makes you embarrassed to be a part of the human race, but at the same time, his cringe hides a significant issue, in that he is always severely constipated and his cringe is what happened when he wanted to shit, but couldn't, so he took his mind off the discomfort by being an embarrassment.

But let's continue, google search 'constipation'.


Oh come on, this is so useless.


Ah... this is interesting. 15 foods that help you poop. So we can have Gran be the cringy guy who suffer extreme constipation, who would drop everything for beans. Yes, beans.

Let's search further. Google 'beans'.


Utterly useless!


Ah! Gas, is it?

So then here is the description for Gran:
Gran is a cringy guy who makes his teammates embarrassed to be part of the human race. He suffers from extreme constipation and his cringiness becomes worse as his need to shit increases while failing to shit. He has a thing for beans and would drop everything, even his wounded pals at the mere mention of beans. In one incident, it was noted that he switched sides when the enemy mentioned that she could cook him a magical bean that would clear up his ass. During battle, he fights not only with his big sword, but he also applies a debuff effect on every enemy who crashed against his sword as he would let loose a large puff of toxic gas with each blow. Creatures with good noses such as dogs, wolves, goblins and orcs would stay away from him, making him able to solo an escort quest in orc-infested regions.

Should we go further? Maybe we should. What do you think? Of course, this is just an example.

Alternatively, you could also use synonyms or antonyms to provide additional trait points

If you type in "sex on two legs" you also find me.

Uhh, so I just wanna get the "Hi I'm a new guy here" out of the way because I suck at making introductions.
Straight to the point, basically, I've created the story's beginning, to middle, of course no art because I also suck at digital art.
The main problems I've discovered were 2 in particular. One, is development. They've kept their personalities, and only the protagonist got to develop mentally and emotionally throughout the years. The second problem was the emotions. The only emotion that I have is from the protagonist again. The side characters felt... Stale. They were empty, and felt dispensable. They didn't feel like the protagonist's friend at all, and I don't want that. Everyone except the protagonist felt robotic, that's why I need help. My friend referred me to this site because I've been stuck on notepad. If anyone can tell me any tips, I highly appreciate it.

My friend, that just means you didn't developed their personalities enough before you began writing. First off, you dont have to worry about development of personality in regards to maturity. Your characters dont absolutely need to grow. It can be a good thing but dont think you have to follow the thinking that its a requirement.

Some characters dont need to "grow" and can stand on their own with their already fully fleshed out personalities. Some stories even depend entirely upon a character's current personality and wouldnt work without it.

That said, you simple have to show their personalities by confronting them with certain situations and display how they respond.

Back to what i said earlier, if you dont flully understand and flesh out the personalities of your characters and know them by heart then of course they will come out bland. Even more so if you never put them in situations where their character traits arent showcased.

For example, what do they do when someone is in danger? Look away? Run? Or help? What about when their values are challenged? Do they back down? Do they stand up for what they believe?

How do they treat others? The sick, infirm? The ugly, the pretty? The nice or mean? So long as you present them with opportunities to display who they are as people you will be able to turn stale characters into fleshed out characters. Whether that makes them interesting depends on other factors too, but they wont be 2 dimensional at least.

They may also end up bland because you dont write them into scenes enough. Thats also related to not providing events for them. If they hardly show up in the story, and the scene they do pop up in do not help showcase them as people, then how can you expect them to be interesting at all to anyone? The main character shows up all the time which is why you rarely have people who think their MC isnt developing enough. But they often get bogged down by boring side characters and this is exactly why.

 

[Sylverius]

My friend, that just means you didn't developed their personalities enough before you began writing. First off, you dont have to worry about development of personality in regards to maturity. Your characters dont absolutely need to grow. It can be a good thing but dont think you have to follow the thinking that its a requirement.

Some characters dont need to "grow" and can stand on their own with their already fully fleshed out personalities. Some stories even depend entirely upon a character's current personality and wouldnt work without it.

That said, you simple have to show their personalities by confronting them with certain situations and display how they respond.

Back to what i said earlier, if you dont flully understand and flesh out the personalities of your characters and know them by heart then of course they will come out bland. Even more so if you never put them in situations where their character traits arent showcased.

For example, what do they do when someone is in danger? Look away? Run? Or help? What about when their values are challenged? Do they back down? Do they stand up for what they believe?

How do they treat others? The sick, infirm? The ugly, the pretty? The nice or mean? So long as you present them with opportunities to display who they are as people you will be able to turn stale characters into fleshed out characters. Whether that makes them interesting depends on other factors too, but they wont be 2 dimensional at least.

They may also end up bland because you dont write them into scenes enough. Thats also related to not providing events for them. If they hardly show up in the story, and the scene they do pop up in do not help showcase them as people, then how can you expect them to be interesting at all to anyone? The main character shows up all the time which is why you rarely have people who think their MC isnt developing enough. But they often get bogged down by boring side characters and this is exactly why.

Wow, that's actually a very good tip. Thank you.

The things you've said here... I'll keep these things in mind.

Again, thank you mate.