I am writing a dark fantasy story and it contains themes such as slavery, cannibalism, child abuse, and psychological corruption.
These elements are not included for shock value, but to explore the moral and emotional decline of the characters and the world they inhabit.
If you choose to read the prologue, I would appreciate feedback on how these sensitive subjects were handled.
Whether they felt meaningful, excessive, restrained, or impactful.
You can check it out here.
First off? You weren't lying about the intent. Yeesh, this isn't edge for edge's sake here. You got a through-line of fear that's got teeth and it's hungry. Look at how it uses that fear as theology, as a political weapon, and as a psychological infection. That's pretty real for a theme, and that same theme sticks with Willbore, to Ananke, and to Aegis.
So what do I mean by real here? The cambion mines, the arena economy, and even the wager collectors? Those have structure to them. They ain't decorations, that's for sure. And what I mean by that is how they shape daily behavior. We got Neino's exhaustion, the threat of heads being used as candle holders, and the casual debt culture in the arena being ever present.
Now, as I said, it's real. But from what I have seen, it's not quite enough. Like, we don't linger inside the victims long enough before things escalate to the next spectacle. The mines? They get introduced, but we don't feel the rhythm of that suffering beyond conception. It sort of emotionally underdeveloped.
You got a meaningful foundation that feels real, but I definitely need some deeper immersion for it to fully hit me in the face. Now I don't mean to go more excessive. You got that already.
Here, let me break another moment down for you. Ananke's thoughts? You know, the intrusive ones?
Alright, the initiation goes well; it's ritualized, ideological, and humiliating. But the intrusive thoughts about his wife? It does communicate psychological corruption with the hunger overtaking his identity, but because it is jumping straight into something that is personal and grotesque, especially without a longer internal build-up, you're practically putting yourself at risk by presenting this as escalation for shock rather than
The Descent.
Maybe slow down, let that hunger whisper a bit more before it starts screaming in our faces? More dawning devastation, less abrupt jump scare. Sound good? It's got an impactful concept, but in my opinion it is simply rushed at the peak moment.
You got the same going on with Neino too. Ananke hesitates, but that's like for a moment before the act, and that is so damn quick. Like the transition from paranoia to this violence and following it through to supernatural judgement is another case of abruptness. Like, think of it this way: the paranoia hits, Neino is grabbed, dead, oath broken.
That's the act.
Stuff like this, when you warn readers about it happening at some point, we're expect it to take our breath away like it got sucked out of the room or something. Instead it is a blink and you might miss who's being killed here.
Now, I ain't saying what you've written here is designed for shock-bait. It's actually... is operatic a word? Well, spellcheck didn't give me those red squiggly lines under it, so I guess it does exist. Back to the point, what you've got is compelling, rough in a good way, a tad heavy at some moments, but that heaviness is where the weight can be used to sink us down and gawk at how things have turned out. You just have to work a little more on the showing, not the telling.
There's more I could probably add in this, but I noticed someone else in your prologue dropped their own feedback. Listen to that.
