Need help regarding dark and sensitive themes.

[Omarfaruq]

Figured as much, but what is the deal with that? Like... why? Why are they writing like that? Is this a new trend I missed out on?

well, it's not a important thing. and it looks very snappy.

 

[L1aei]

well, it's not a important thing. and it looks very snappy.

I only had two fingers of vodka, but that might've been enough for me to not comprehend what snappy means here. I know what it means, but not in the context of that narrative. Wait... maybe I do? See, when I see something as snappy, I think of it fitting together, but that's not what I saw when reading that dialogue because it broke away from the line's initiation of that character speaking. So, for me, it's a disconnect. Maybe if there was some sort of action or something happening within that to justify the break, then it'd be snappy; it'd be the character rejoining the conversation after the interruption.

That's my take on it. I'm not going to say it's wrong, just that I'm not used to this.

 

[Omarfaruq]

I only had two fingers of vodka, but that might've been enough for me to not comprehend what snappy means here. I know what it means, but not in the context of that narrative. Wait... maybe I do? See, when I see something as snappy, I think of it fitting together, but that's not what I saw when reading that dialogue because it broke away from the line's initiation of that character speaking. So, for me, it's a disconnect. Maybe if there was some sort of action or something happening within that to justify the break, then it'd be snappy; it'd be the character rejoining the conversation after the interruption.

That's my take on it. I'm not going to say it's wrong, just that I'm not used to this.

fair enough.

 

[c37]

First off? You weren't lying about the intent. Yeesh, this isn't edge for edge's sake here. You got a through-line of fear that's got teeth and it's hungry. Look at how it uses that fear as theology, as a political weapon, and as a psychological infection. That's pretty real for a theme, and that same theme sticks with Willbore, to Ananke, and to Aegis.

So what do I mean by real here? The cambion mines, the arena economy, and even the wager collectors? Those have structure to them. They ain't decorations, that's for sure. And what I mean by that is how they shape daily behavior. We got Neino's exhaustion, the threat of heads being used as candle holders, and the casual debt culture in the arena being ever present.

Now, as I said, it's real. But from what I have seen, it's not quite enough. Like, we don't linger inside the victims long enough before things escalate to the next spectacle. The mines? They get introduced, but we don't feel the rhythm of that suffering beyond conception. It sort of emotionally underdeveloped.

You got a meaningful foundation that feels real, but I definitely need some deeper immersion for it to fully hit me in the face. Now I don't mean to go more excessive. You got that already.

Here, let me break another moment down for you. Ananke's thoughts? You know, the intrusive ones?

Alright, the initiation goes well; it's ritualized, ideological, and humiliating. But the intrusive thoughts about his wife? It does communicate psychological corruption with the hunger overtaking his identity, but because it is jumping straight into something that is personal and grotesque, especially without a longer internal build-up, you're practically putting yourself at risk by presenting this as escalation for shock rather than The Descent.

Maybe slow down, let that hunger whisper a bit more before it starts screaming in our faces? More dawning devastation, less abrupt jump scare. Sound good? It's got an impactful concept, but in my opinion it is simply rushed at the peak moment.

You got the same going on with Neino too. Ananke hesitates, but that's like for a moment before the act, and that is so damn quick. Like the transition from paranoia to this violence and following it through to supernatural judgement is another case of abruptness. Like, think of it this way: the paranoia hits, Neino is grabbed, dead, oath broken.

That's the act.

Stuff like this, when you warn readers about it happening at some point, we're expect it to take our breath away like it got sucked out of the room or something. Instead it is a blink and you might miss who's being killed here.

Now, I ain't saying what you've written here is designed for shock-bait. It's actually... is operatic a word? Well, spellcheck didn't give me those red squiggly lines under it, so I guess it does exist. Back to the point, what you've got is compelling, rough in a good way, a tad heavy at some moments, but that heaviness is where the weight can be used to sink us down and gawk at how things have turned out. You just have to work a little more on the showing, not the telling.

There's more I could probably add in this, but I noticed someone else in your prologue dropped their own feedback. Listen to tha

First off? You weren't lying about the intent. Yeesh, this isn't edge for edge's sake here. You got a through-line of fear that's got teeth and it's hungry. Look at how it uses that fear as theology, as a political weapon, and as a psychological infection. That's pretty real for a theme, and that same theme sticks with Willbore, to Ananke, and to Aegis.

So what do I mean by real here? The cambion mines, the arena economy, and even the wager collectors? Those have structure to them. They ain't decorations, that's for sure. And what I mean by that is how they shape daily behavior. We got Neino's exhaustion, the threat of heads being used as candle holders, and the casual debt culture in the arena being ever present.

Now, as I said, it's real. But from what I have seen, it's not quite enough. Like, we don't linger inside the victims long enough before things escalate to the next spectacle. The mines? They get introduced, but we don't feel the rhythm of that suffering beyond conception. It sort of emotionally underdeveloped.

You got a meaningful foundation that feels real, but I definitely need some deeper immersion for it to fully hit me in the face. Now I don't mean to go more excessive. You got that already.

Here, let me break another moment down for you. Ananke's thoughts? You know, the intrusive ones?

Alright, the initiation goes well; it's ritualized, ideological, and humiliating. But the intrusive thoughts about his wife? It does communicate psychological corruption with the hunger overtaking his identity, but because it is jumping straight into something that is personal and grotesque, especially without a longer internal build-up, you're practically putting yourself at risk by presenting this as escalation for shock rather than The Descent.

Maybe slow down, let that hunger whisper a bit more before it starts screaming in our faces? More dawning devastation, less abrupt jump scare. Sound good? It's got an impactful concept, but in my opinion it is simply rushed at the peak moment.

You got the same going on with Neino too. Ananke hesitates, but that's like for a moment before the act, and that is so damn quick. Like the transition from paranoia to this violence and following it through to supernatural judgement is another case of abruptness. Like, think of it this way: the paranoia hits, Neino is grabbed, dead, oath broken.

That's the act.

Stuff like this, when you warn readers about it happening at some point, we're expect it to take our breath away like it got sucked out of the room or something. Instead it is a blink and you might miss who's being killed here.

Now, I ain't saying what you've written here is designed for shock-bait. It's actually... is operatic a word? Well, spellcheck didn't give me those red squiggly lines under it, so I guess it does exist. Back to the point, what you've got is compelling, rough in a good way, a tad heavy at some moments, but that heaviness is where the weight can be used to sink us down and gawk at how things have turned out. You just have to work a little more on the showing, not the telling.

There's more I could probably add in this, but I noticed someone else in your prologue dropped their own feedback. Listen to that.

You’re right. I always thought something was off when I was reading, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. You just helped me realize what i lacked, Thank you.

Figured as much, but what is the deal with that? Like... why? Why are they writing like that? Is this a new trend I missed out on?

I do it so that i can give some breathing space to readers on mobile. Normally i hate it when there are huge paragraphs.

 

[c37]

First off? You weren't lying about the intent. Yeesh, this isn't edge for edge's sake here. You got a through-line of fear that's got teeth and it's hungry. Look at how it uses that fear as theology, as a political weapon, and as a psychological infection. That's pretty real for a theme, and that same theme sticks with Willbore, to Ananke, and to Aegis.

So what do I mean by real here? The cambion mines, the arena economy, and even the wager collectors? Those have structure to them. They ain't decorations, that's for sure. And what I mean by that is how they shape daily behavior. We got Neino's exhaustion, the threat of heads being used as candle holders, and the casual debt culture in the arena being ever present.

Now, as I said, it's real. But from what I have seen, it's not quite enough. Like, we don't linger inside the victims long enough before things escalate to the next spectacle. The mines? They get introduced, but we don't feel the rhythm of that suffering beyond conception. It sort of emotionally underdeveloped.

You got a meaningful foundation that feels real, but I definitely need some deeper immersion for it to fully hit me in the face. Now I don't mean to go more excessive. You got that already.

Here, let me break another moment down for you. Ananke's thoughts? You know, the intrusive ones?

Alright, the initiation goes well; it's ritualized, ideological, and humiliating. But the intrusive thoughts about his wife? It does communicate psychological corruption with the hunger overtaking his identity, but because it is jumping straight into something that is personal and grotesque, especially without a longer internal build-up, you're practically putting yourself at risk by presenting this as escalation for shock rather than The Descent.

Maybe slow down, let that hunger whisper a bit more before it starts screaming in our faces? More dawning devastation, less abrupt jump scare. Sound good? It's got an impactful concept, but in my opinion it is simply rushed at the peak moment.

You got the same going on with Neino too. Ananke hesitates, but that's like for a moment before the act, and that is so damn quick. Like the transition from paranoia to this violence and following it through to supernatural judgement is another case of abruptness. Like, think of it this way: the paranoia hits, Neino is grabbed, dead, oath broken.

That's the act.

Stuff like this, when you warn readers about it happening at some point, we're expect it to take our breath away like it got sucked out of the room or something. Instead it is a blink and you might miss who's being killed here.

Now, I ain't saying what you've written here is designed for shock-bait. It's actually... is operatic a word? Well, spellcheck didn't give me those red squiggly lines under it, so I guess it does exist. Back to the point, what you've got is compelling, rough in a good way, a tad heavy at some moments, but that heaviness is where the weight can be used to sink us down and gawk at how things have turned out. You just have to work a little more on the showing, not the telling.

There's more I could probably add in this, but I noticed someone else in your prologue dropped their own feedback. Listen to that.

Thank you for reading, you don't know how much it means to me. I was pretty depressed from past few days.

To actually give you feedback, I enjoyed the prologue. It feels heavy. Every word had weight and its purpose for existing. For any dark topic the MOST important thing is empathy. You must understand and feel the victim's pain. Do your research looking into history, read the texts of slaves who survived. Look up what child abuse can do, and look at accounts. Understand them, and type out the pain.

Thank you for feedback. I will follow what you said.

 

[c37]

Dude @L1aei what do you think?

Hey is the word "Powerful" in the last 4th line refers to the secret being powerful?

 

[L1aei]

Hey is the word "Powerful" in the last 4th line refers to the secret being powerful? View attachment 46418

Other than the secret being powerful, I'm trying to discover what else it could be referring to. What meaning do you see when you read it?

 

[c37]

Other than the secret being powerful, I'm trying to discover what else it could be referring to. What meaning do you see when you read it?

Forgive me English isn't my first language, so sometimes i get confused.

 

[L1aei]

Forgive me English isn't my first language, so sometimes i get confused.

Gotcha. Okay... so, I don't see any other alternative meaning behind that sentence. That leaves me to believe your first assumption is correct; it means a powerful secret. But then again, I ain't the one who wrote that line.

 

[TheIcMan]

well, it's not a important thing. and it looks very snappy.

It's wrong lmao

Web novels and physical novels are different, yes, and you can facilitate easier reading experiences by having shorter paragraphs. But not this one. It makes it look like a different person is talking. Let's not put up amateur mistakes as "snappy" please.

Otherwise, some minor things:

This is something I personally had to learn, even after like 8 years of writing: Do away with the dialogue tags. Use them as minimally as possible. No "said" no "asked" etc. You need to be able to make your characters' voices known and identifiable. Use action before or after to point out who's about to talk. And speaking of, there's too much passive voice for my liking. The first sentence is important, and seeing "was running" in it really set my mind up to be more in editorial mode rather than reader mode. I'll read more later, since I'm occupied at the mfing DMV lmao

 

[Eldoria]

Hey is the word "Powerful" in the last 4th line refers to the secret being powerful? View attachment 46418

It is indeed a powerful secret that can determine the direction of world history (or story) just like the secret of One Piece that can make world history turn into a pirate's journey to find a legendary treasure.